Deceived.

Cheated.

Swindled.

Tricked.

Hoodwinked.

Duped.

As I sat there in English, writing synonyms for betrayed - as asked - I couldn't help but feel that it was synonymous with my life as well. All weekend at mealtimes, I'd barely said two words. The rest of the time I spent holed up in my room.

I hated the doctors with as much passion as one could possibly have. I hated the FSWC Sydney for giving away my personal information. I hated the MHI Sydney for giving away Park's personal information. I hated myself... for being lied to for three years.

Lied.

My life.

Christian's life.

I added them to the list in fury. If I had known the drugs they'd put in my food was to do... this, then I wouldn't be in this situation. I had thought they were appetite-emptiers. 

The stupid therapist for my sleep apnea. The idiotic doctor for my anorexia. The incapable counsellor for my anxiety. All of them had betrayed, deceived, cheated, swindled, tricked, hoodwinked, duped and lied to me. Now, I was a part of something I truly hated. A science experiment. And Christian and I were it's guinea pigs. 

I'd thought to myself all those years ago - I'm never going to have to see a doctor, shrink or therapist ever again. No more anorexia, anxiety nor sleep apnea. I would be fine. But now I'm sitting in a testing facility where they monitor your entire body system! And I'm one of its main exams being conducted.

They've dehumanised me. Instead of making me feel glory for being a part of something important, I felt dirty for participating in something so low. Who would want their dreamscape changed just for the chance to find true love? 

True love? It's all just a joke, isn't it? How can chemistry, biology and physics tell you how much you love someone? Love is based on a feeling - a connection. Not one that's created via a chemical bond in a stupid little needle. No one can force love on you. Sure, there's a possibility that you and the person they force you with are 'meant to be' but most of the time, that's impossible. There are billions of people on this planet, and only one is meant for you. That can't be told through a forced dreamscape change. 

There could be a possibility that Christian and I are what's known as soulmates, but that couldn't be created through science. It would have already been instated as we born. 

And that's why I'm disgusted with myself to have been a part of something so rotten. Something that wants to force our true loves on us. They wouldn't be 'true'. They'd have been created virtually. The entire experiment would be messing up what's been integrated inside of us since the beginning. Who could even tell if it works? It's an impossible experiment designed to break bonds that were created to fit together. 

Destroyed.

Corrupted. 

Dead. 

Without your actual true love, you're just a pawn in a backgammon game - useless, alone and unpaired, unless by choice. I'm not one for those sappy romance novels but even I can justify that growing old without your soulmate by your side is devastating. 

"Natalie?" the teacher raised an eyebrow at me.

I looked at her and then to my upstretched hand. When did I even raise it, again? I looked back to the teacher, lowering my hand, "Do you mind if I go back to my dorm? I don't feel too well."

The teacher hated any mention of sickness so she nodded quickly, "Just catch up on the work you've missed today, please."

I collected my books and rushed from the room, not giving even Emily another glance.

***

I walked into dinner in my school uniform and uggies. I had thrown a hoodie over my shirt, though, too. It was inappropriate to be wearing casual clothes with the uniform, but I couldn't care less at this point as long as I could eat something. I searched the room and then made a beeline for where Rose, Whitney and Shawn were sitting. 

I narrowed my eyes at my brother but headed to that table none-the-less. I sat down silently and immediately picked up my fork. 

Shawn's hand enclosed mine on the fork, causing me to look up at him. He raised an eyebrow, "Hello?"

I nodded back and quietly responded, "Hey, Shawn." I went to go back to eating but he stopped me again.

"In all the years that I've known you - since we were born, plus nine months," Shawn began, "You've never been quiet when saying hello. What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I shrugged and went back to eat.

Rose interrupted, "She said in English that she was feeling a bit sick. Go on and eat, Nat, you might just be hungry."

I smiled at her gratefully and went to take a bite but Shawn lightly slapped my hand, causing me to stop again. 

I glared at my twin and he glared back. Couldn't he understand that if I was hungry, I was hungry. If I was quiet, I was quiet. If I was angry - which I definitely am, now - then I'm angry? I put down my fork and snapped, "Fine. If you don't want me to eat, then I won't eat. Obviously, I'm not in control of my own life anymore!"

Shawn jumped slightly in his seat as he narrowed his eyes at me, "Are you on your period or something?"

I gasped at him, punched him hard in the arm and stood up, "Fuck you, Shawn!"

I marched away from the table, towards the doors. I slumped down against the elevator wall when I got there and let out a loud sigh. 

That little outburst led me to just another long thought. 

I'm not in control of my own life. I haven't been for three years. Since my anorexia, anxiety and sleep apnea, I've been monitored by people I've never even met. They've been studying my dreams and trying to prove that dreamscapes can affect your overall love for someone. Since then, I've had no control over my dreams, my love life or even my general wellbeing. I haven't had a common cold in over eighteen months, haven't had many common teenage girl dreams on famous celebrities, and heck, I haven't even been able to stress myself out unless it's exam time. 

I've been corrupted. My body has been brainwashed to fit into the system this... operation needs it to. They've altered my immune system, dreamscape and my anxiety issues. 

I haven't been in control of myself in... in forever. 

***

So... maybe Shawn happened to be right...

I groaned as I walked out of the bathroom, rubbing my lower stomach, "Shiiiiz..."

Fumbling through my drawers I located my heat pack which was shaped like a ladybug pillow pet. I held onto it and walked towards the elevator. I needed to find a microwave - and the best place for that was the kitchen. 

One a.m. in the morning was probably the worst time to be caught out of bed, but I desperately needed this heat pack. 

I heard footsteps as soon as I exited the elevator and I froze. Crap. I hadn't even been out of bed for a minute and already I'd been caught. 

"Natalie?" the husky voice asked. 

I let out a sigh of relief, "Oh, it's just you."

"Is that a compliment or an insult?" Christian asked, coming to stand in front of me.

"Whichever," I winced as a new cramp hit me. 

Christian frowned, "Are you okay?"

"Ye-uh..." I let out a small squeak of pain, "Do you know where the kitchen is?"

"Yeah," he said quietly, "Come on. Do you need food?"

"No." I shook my head. Definitely not.

"Water?"

I let out a small chuckle, "I'd be in my bathroom if I needed water, Christian. I'm not that willing to get into trouble. Why are you out so late?"

Christian shrugged infinitesimally, "Couldn't sleep. You?"

"Nice try," I caught the small gleam in his eyes, "I'm not telling."

He opened the door down a hall to the over-sized kitchen, "Here you go."

I looked around and winced again. I sighed, "Can you please help me find a microwave?"

There were too many ovens and stovetops to distinguish them all. I walked slowly around the room, looking for one, whilst Christian searched the other side. 

He called, "There's one over here!"

I headed over to it quickly, "Thank you, God!"

I took out Lily - that's the ladybug's name - and turned her over so I was seeing the flat side with the flaps that put the pillow pet together. I ran my fingers long until I found the velcro and I opened it up. I took the heat pack part of it out and put it in the microwave for a minute. I leant against the benchtop and took a long breath.

Christian watched the microwave in confusion, "Why are you performing teddy bear surgery?"

"It's a heatpack, numbskull," I rolled my eyes at him.

"The pillow pet is a heatpack?" his eyes widened. 

"Yes," I sighed, "I got it from Priceline. It's quite good, actually."

The microwave let out a loud beep and stopped.

Christian stared at me, confused, as I put the heatpack back inside Lily. I put the velcro back together and then pressed Lily's underside to my lower stomach. Christian cocked his head and then his eyes widened. 

He shuddered, "Oh god, that's nasty."

I smirked, "And yet, guys call women inferior? Let's see them survive periods."

Christian shuddered again, "Fuck, woman! That's disgusting."

I let out a small laugh, "You alright there, Park?"

Christian glared at me, "No. No, no, no."

I burst into a loud fit of giggles as he hopped around the room, shuddering, overdramatically. 

"Yes, Emily, I'm aware," a woman sighed. 

I froze at the same time Christian did. Principal Wednesday was approaching the kitchen.

My best friend sighed, "Mum, I simply woke up and she wasn't there! I don't know where Nattie is!"

With her daughter in tow, apparently. 

I quickly looked to Christian. We were about to be caught breaking the school's number one rule. No boy and girl can be alone in the same room together. 

I gestured frantically to him and Christian looked around as I placed Lily on the bench, opening up the velcro. I took out her inside and pretended to be taking it out of the microwave. 

I watched as Christian quickly rolled under one of the benches in the middle of the room, out of sight. The kitchen door opened and Principal Wednesday glanced in, then out, before doing a double-take. 

Principal Wednesday sighed as I put the heatpack back inside Lily. I velcroed her up and then looked back to Principal Wednesday and Em, "Hello. It's a surprise to see you both awake."

Principal Wednesday glanced down to Lily and smiled sympathetically, "Time of the month?"

I blushed and nodded minutely.

Em sighed and frowned, "And here I thought you'd been kidnapped. But no, you were just setting up your heatpack."

I winced, "Sorry if I scared you."

Principal Wednesday rolled her eyes at her daughter, "I'm going back to bed, Emily. You're lucky I don't ground you for waking me up!"

Em's gaze was fixated on her shoes as Principal Wednesday exited the room and moved down the hall. 

I whispered, "Is she gone?"

Em nodded as the door closed down the hall. 

I called, "Christian, it's all clear."

Emily's eyes widened as Christian rolled out from beneath the bench. He winced, "That is not comfortable."

Emily looked frantically between the two of us, "You. Two. Oh. My. Effing. Gosh."

Christian shook his head, "Not what it looks like, Miss Emily Wednesday." He stretched his limbs and then stood up.

"Then what is this?" she narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

"We ran into each other in the hall and he gave me directions to the kitchen," I shrugged, "That's it."

"Mm-hm," she scoffed, "And want to tell me why you've been in such a mood these past few days? I know it's not PMS because you hardly ever get PMS - I've known you for four years, remember. So tell."

Like that, my good mood vanished and all dark thoughts came back. It felt like the walls were closing in on me as I remembered Alto Emus. I couldn't keep my footing as the floor swayed and I hit it hard. I felt a pounding in my head and stretched my hand up to feel for a lump, but the darkness closed in before I could do so. 

I was vaguely aware of two people shouting my name, but I couldn't hear them too clearly. 

I let out a short scream as I remembered what this was. 

The shrink watched me carefully, "You're saying that you've had panic attacks before?"

"Several," I admitted.

"How bad can they be?" she raised an eyebrow, not writing any notes. 

"Sometimes," I whispered, "Sometimes I feel like I'm going to die."

"How do you know that you aren't?" she asked simply.

I smiled sadly at her, "Because if I was going to die... I wouldn't hear my own screams."

***

Song: War - Sum 41.

xx Sharky.