3
#apologies

There was one thing you never understood. I couldn't let go of all the things that kept me here. I couldn't let go of all the things that kept me sane; the studying, the work, the chores, and errands, were all a distraction. I was afraid that if I let go, even if it were just for a second. If I took a break, took some time to relax then I would fall apart. Even more so, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to come back. 

The heel of my boot was clicking against the tiled floor in the classroom, my hands were in the front pockets of my jeans, pushing my leather jacket to the sides. I felt like I was prepared for war. My hair tied up, that could indicate combat for all anyone knew.

Being the type of person that occupied herself a lot with work and genuinely enjoyed studying and working on assignments. It was something that I was good at doing and I wore my GPA as if it were some form of pride. I did not necessarily advertise it, but when asked about it, I never hid it.

So one thing that did surprise me was your academic performance. You were incredibly good. But that wasn't what fascinated me, because many people have a great academic performance and that did not really account with the type of scores that they receive on their exams but that was a matter for another time. You had great exam scores, you knew how to talk smart, and that was it for me.

Your brain was attractive to me. Yes, I get how weird that sounds. And when I think back to it, what was I thinking and look where that got me? But god, could you talk smart and I could listen to you to talk to me like that all day. There were not many people stood on this planet who should have been allowed to be breathing that kind of oxygen. I had remembered that was something you had told me later on. Funny how that turned out now.

By the third week into the semester I had realized one thing, I was most definitely crushing on this insanely attractive male that was just the right kind of eye candy. But that was besides the point, you had specifically mentioned that you would be now starting private tutoring sessions for specific courses that we were accounted for.

The twenty-two year old male that was my classmate happened to also be my private tutor for a class that I did not know I would be failing in the near future. I was royally screwed.

I was currently pacing around the classroom in the university building where you were supposed to be giving someone a class. My brain kept telling me that this was a bad idea but I just wanted to spend more time with you and listening to you talk smart? Well, why the hell not?

"Hello!" I heard your voice and quickly turned back on my heel. I smiled and my hands quickly followed suit trying to explain what I was doing in a session that was not mine. "Is it all right with you if I sit in for this session, or do you prefer to stick to one on one tutoring? I know mine isn't scheduled until tomorrow but I'd like to sit in for both."

"No, of course not! Please." And your hand motioned to the seat that I was standing by. I nodded in appreciation.

"How are you?" you asked me, placing your backpack on the chair that was situated right by the first desk. You took out all the markers that you possibly had and aligned them on the stand.

I laughed and replied, "I'm dying."

"As usual, of course," you told me as you erased the board and took out your notes. Turning back and smiling at me. I returned the same gesture.

"What about yourself?" I inquired even though I knew what you were going to say.

"I'm good." It was always the same answer with you. You responded to everything like an automated robot. I had not even known you back then. The same thing, every single day, to the same people. Your lips always formed into a straight line. It was as if you went out of your way just to detach yourself from the living world around you.

When you stood back by the desk, I stood opposite to you and conversed. You were telling me about how you were slightly nervous about providing private tutoring sessions and being caught, and that reminded me of the other day when we had stood together in the Main Building, on the underground floors by the staircase where you were preparing for your exam.

As soon as she had told me that, I quickly gathered all of my things and went downstairs, a couple of minutes with the guy that I was crushing will not kill anybody. At least, that is what I had thought back then. But that came slapping me right back in the ass a lot sooner than I had expected.

The minute I had made it downstairs, I caught you sitting on the steps looking down at whatever it is that you had been studying from. "Hi," I said, I do not think I could have smiled any bigger, but then I toned it down a little bit to avoid all the creepiness.

You greeted me back and continued with your ongoing revision for the corporate law exam that we were about to take. I was pacing and reading through my notes right behind you when you suddenly stood up and turned to look at me.

"Could you please... I don't like turning my back to you," you mumbled. Your voice was loud and clear but it did not sound as confident as it always did.

"All right." I nodded. I was not sure where this was going but I did not want to make you feel uncomfortable. "How about you stay and sit where you were sat at and I would sit further down the steps?" I had offered.

"No, no! That's fine." And you just stood now, looking down at your sheets, facing me.

I continued with my pacing. Seeing Ranya making it down stairs from the corner of my eye had me curse at her a little bit, I wanted just a couple of more singular minutes with you before the entire class continues to come around. "Do you think I should get coffee?" she asked me.

"Sure." I shrugged my shoulders. I had those moments a lot. Where I wanted to do something so simple but I was never sure so I just always had to ask someone's opinion on it instead of having to decide for myself because that would make things a lot easier.

You then looked up from what you were focused on for what seemed like the umpteenth time and said no.

"If you drink coffee right now before your exam, it would make you jittery," you claimed.

"Yes, but I'm very sleepy and I need coffee," she argued, her voice amicable.

I decided to butt in with my opinion since were all stating counter arguments that lacked claims or any supportive detail. "Personally, coffee makes me sleepy so I would not have it before an exam. But I know you," I said, looking at Ranya, "and I know that you need that coffee."

She grinned at me and turned around to walk back up the stairs. "I'm going to get some coffee."

I'd be lying if a part of me did not admit that I wanted her to go back and get that coffee just so I can have a couple of more minutes with you, but another part of me knew that it was just fifteen minutes before an exam and everybody else will be coming around trying to catch the seat that they needed so that they could cheat.

"Is it weird that I'm more nervous for this exam than I am for the private tutoring that I will be giving," you asked me, your smile in a straight line. It was not the same smile that you would always give me. Not the one with the crinkle in your eyes and the corners of your mouth turned up genuinely, this one was forced. This was the one everyone else got. You were really nervous.

I wanted to tell you that it was not, but for some reason quite the opposite came out of my mouth. "Yes, it is."

You laughed sarcastically a little bit. "See," and then it takes me a moment to realize what I had just said and my eyes widened. "No no, it's not weird at all," I quickly corrected myself.

I made eye contact with you across the desk and that is what brought me back from that flashback to this moment away from the hazing that I have been doing lately.

Everything went by smoothly, I tried not to look at you too intently but I could not help but notice that your face was just red throughout, your fleck sprinkled cheeks just fired up the minute you had opened your mouth to address yourself and they have not toned down even the slightest bit. It was one of the most amusing things that I had ever encountered, only because, I found myself feeling what you were in similar situations. Also, you had a very nice behind.

Your fleck sprinkled cheeks so red, with your fingers constantly fidgeting which was another sign indicating your nervousness. There was that slight moment where I had the insane urge to just stand up from where I was seated and push the brim of your glasses up your nose. The minute I had thought of that, you did it yourself, your eyebrows rising above the frames just as they fell back into place and it brought out a side of you I wanted to remain forever.

Setting all of my thoughts aside from your facial features, I tried to focus on the explanation brought to me. It felt like it dragged on forever, mainly because a conversation I had with Ella had been replaying in my head. I wanted to ask you for your number. She gave me multiple ideas and all of which I would never use but that did not stop me from wanting to find a way to get it.

If it were anyone else, it would not have been so hard. I would have casually asked them for their number and gave them a reason as to why I needed it, or not even give them a reason at all. But it was you. It was you and that drove every nerve in my head out of place, if that were even possible. It was even harder because I strictly remember that I had once mentioned that you should not give out your number randomly one morning whilst you were ranting someone out.

So how would it look if I did the exact same thing? Granted I did not want your homework and neither was I interested in your educational skills, but you made it very clear that you did not enjoy people popping out randomly on your phone screen. You did not like texting, something that I really loved to do.

I distinctly remembered that you disliked texting and I remembered you telling me that morning that you have been getting the same old messages every time and I did not want to be categorized as one of those people.

When you were done explaining, I stayed seated. My other classmate had approached you, after you had taken note of the person's name, to ask you some questions. I stayed seated so that I could copy down all the notes post the explanation. I did not always prefer taking notes whilst the explanation was going on, so I always had to do it after. By the time I was done, the room was free of the other student and I began packing up my stuff.

"I'm playing Cupid," I randomly blurted out. I had no idea why I said that but it was too late to take it back. You looked at me like I had grown another head, your brows furrowed closer in confusion.

"What?" you asked me, putting the cap of your light blue marker back on.

"I'm playing Cupid for Dwayne and..." I trailed off trying to remember her name. I felt somewhat bad that I did not but it usually took me a while to put a name to a face that I have not met yet.

"Cara?"

"Yes," I told you. "How did you know?"

I was now standing up right in front of you, my handbag on my shoulder. You were just packing your large black backpack. As far as I had figured up until now, you were only taking two courses this semester and I just could not figure why in the world you were carrying around an insanely large bag all over the place wherever you went.

"It's too obvious."

Rolling my eyes at you and making a face, I just turned around and began walking away. Without a thought, I jolted in my steps, quickly turning around only to find you too close to my liking and took a step back. Before I knew what I was doing, my mouth worked faster than my brain could even comprehend. "James," I said out loud.

"Yes?" You gave me the same look you always gave me. Like I was crazy. You were always looking at me like that, and I had grown to be used to that look.

"Can I get your number?" My heart was beating so fast, it could have thumped right out of my chest and walked away from me. It felt like you were taking forever to respond and I was mentally beating myself up about it. I was not thinking. I wish I had not disregarded all sense that was common and if I had known. I would have never done that.

You smiled. At least I think you did because I could not bring myself to look at your face for the fear that my mind was playing tricks on me, I felt like mine was on fire. "Of course."

I handed you my phone after I have opened up the dial section and before you had saved your number in, you miss called yourself. Well, at least I was not left hanging on that one.

Looking down at my screen after you handed it back to me, I noticed that the contact name was placed under James Castellanos and I mentally narrowed my eyes at the screen. I would have preferred to have it under James – LAW 2598 but since that was the way that you saved it, I left it that way.

The reason I had course codes next to my friend's names that I met after I started university was related to the course that I had met them in.

"You're leaving home now?" You queried.

"No, I'm going to have to wait for my parents. They promised to pick me up," I continued to walk out of the classroom as I had said that. "Would you-" I began but you interrupted me with a yes. I grinned, internally fascinated by how you just read my mind.

Your phone rang and you stayed on it throughout the entire trip down the stairs and through the building. I walked after you, waiting for you to finish.

"I'm so sorry. This was very-"

"No, it's fine."

"No, it's not. You're like, walking right behind me and waiting and I'm here talking on the phone."

"That's perfectly fine," I reassured you, my lips forming a genuine smile. I found myself doing a lot of genuine things around you lately and I did not seem to like that because I was not one for feelings.

You shook your head but did not say anything.

"Do you want to sit there by the trees? That's my favorite spot." Your hand motioned towards the spot that you were talking about and I nodded.

"Tell me something."

I turned to look at you and raised an eyebrow. "You want me to tell you something? How about you tell me something."

"I'm too weird." You shook your head once more.

Letting out a loud laugh, I crossed my leg over the other and turned to face you, you were seated by my left side. "You're too weird? You think you're weird? I'm the weirdest person you'd ever come across. Trust me." It was my turn to shake my head.

"No."

"Oh, is that a challenge?" I catechized. "Have you ever met a girl here that's not only not scared of insects, but actually loves them?"

Giving me a look, you actually gave in. "Tell me something that you like." I pushed, my curiosity getting the best of me. I was never one to ask questions, always the one who had to answer them. But since both of us did not seem like the type of people who liked to communicate with human beings in general. Someone had to take the step forward.

"Besides the fact that you like wrists and collar bones." I was not sure if that was a great thing to bring up but it was one of the only things that I had remembered you telling me back at the library, and the fact that you liked Charlie Brown.

"How do you know?" your expression flipped from severe calmness to an extreme flip out session where your entire body moved to face me and your jaw looked like it would drop open and break against the floor right this minute.

I raised a brow at you. "You told me that when we were at the library."

"No, I did not."

Now it was my turn to look at you in utter shock.

"I have a perfect memory," I voiced out. "And I distinctly remember that you did mention that you liked collar bones and wrists." One of which I don't have, and which of them is pretty self-explanatory. So the mental list I had of your mental list was the one I wasn't checking any lists off. I had gathered that I was nowhere near your type of girl.

"Oh, yes. Yes, I did."

It fell silent for a moment and I just sat there staring at the empty space in front of us. I had always wanted the days were us being seen in public wasn't that big of an issue.

"Did you want to go to the mini mart?" You wanted to know. I did not even think twice before I nodded eagerly because it was not a secret that I did not leave my room much and even going to class was like an adventure to me. Of course, I did not voice that opinion out loud. Who would find going to class an adventure? Besides my unusual self of course.

The trip to the mini mart had revealed another side of you that I had not noticed. I wish I had not fallen for that back then. If only I had known.

We were walking down the aisle that was by the refrigerated drinks and you muttered something that I thought was addressed to me. "I'm sorry?" I was trying to get you to repeat what you had said earlier but instead you looked down and laughed as if you were in denial.

"I'm so glad you did not hear that." You continued to let out bits of laughter as if you had done something stupid.

"Hear what?"

"Nothing."

"Tell meeeee." I stood by your side and waited for you to tell me. You just stood there looking at the floor as if you were mentally laughing at yourself and I could not think of a reason why because you were right in front of me this entire time. It did not seem like I missed out on anything.

"My leg got caught in the plastics of those bottles and I apologized to it."

My lips were pressed against each other so that I would not laugh at the innocence that had just splattered out of you. Mentally, I had corrected the word leg to foot from the statement that you had just made. But I was not going to go around and correct grammar or logical senses to a guy that I had just met, especially the one I had just started having feelings for.

Our little trip ended after you insisted on buying me something because it was something that you had always done, buy people stuff. You bought me kiwi water. And just like that you had fixed my ultimate life problem of drinking water, by introducing me flavored water.

As soon as we were done with the mini mart, we walked back and stood by the wall in the middle of the parking lot. You had offered for me to lean against the wall by your side but I declined with an excuse that I had been sitting all day and I would just like to move around a little bit.

I do not know how our conversation got to me telling you about my father, and a couple of things that had happened to me at school, but I found myself talking about it for the very first time.

For the first time, I was the one talking and not the one listening. For the first time, it felt like I could voice out the inside of mind, and for the first time I had thought that I could trust someone with what had really happened to me once and how it all came crashing down. But I wish I hadn't. If I had known, I would have never trusted you.

I did not see it that way back then. That day, you were just a boy and I was just a girl.

It was just the fourteenth of November dated two thousand and eighteen.