~ A few months later ~

| March 18th | Monday Afternoon |

~ Sam's POV ~

As I admired the new couch in Dr. Dupree's office by bouncing two or three times, she proceeds to close her office door then join me in sitting.

"This couch is nice," I complimented. "Definitely comfier than the last."

"Glad you like it," she joked while crossing her legs. "You did help me buy it, after all."

"Ha." I gave her a smile. "That's funny."

"How've things been since our last session?" Dr. Dupree wondered. "Anything you feel like talking about today?"

There were many things, actually. I didn't know where to start. No, wait. On second thought, yes, I did. I would start with the thing that I couldn't stop thinking about over the last two weeks. The thing that still worried me, but thankfully no longer made me freeze up with fear.

"Megan brought up the foster licensure training classes again," I admitted. "I'm just... I don't know. I don't know if I want to do this yet or not."

"Why is that?"

"Because..." I paused. "I mean, I know she wants to possibly foster this little girl that's in her class, but that little girl is already in a home. So, we talked about adopting her, but she's ineligible."

"But you've both agreed you'd both like to foster eventually, correct?"

"Well, yeah, but it was supposed to be for Ava," I continued. "Because it seemed urgent, but there's no way we'd even get custody."

"Yet, getting licensed wouldn't hurt, now would it?" Dr. Dupree asked.

"No, I guess not."

"For possibly the near future?"

I refused to answer. She never took my side. She always just sat there and challenged my pre-existing thoughts. And yes, I know that's what I paid her to do, but I just wanted someone to agree with me!

She leaned forward.

"Are you having doubts?"

"Of course, I am," I finally admitted.

"Well, then let's talk about them."

I leaned back into the couch and pouted, knowing today wouldn't be easy. Things had gotten much better. I felt better. I communicated better. I understood how to convey and manage most of my emotions. Of course, my good days significantly outweighed my bad now, but I still had some things to work on. It was a constant battle, but the training wheels were nearly off.

"I just don't see why Megan thinks I would be a good caretaker." I sighed. "I really don't."

"Yet, you agreed to eventually raise children with her," Dr. Dupree observed. "Why would you agree to raising children with her if you don't see what she seems to see?"

I sat and pondered.

"Well, because I think I do want children, eventually. I think."

"What do you think would make you a bad parent?"

"I'm not really maternal," I said. "I don't really know how to talk to kids, but not because I don't like talking to them, I just, don't baby them. You know?"

As I ranted, my therapist scribbled viciously in her notepad.

"I think I'm too selfish to be a parent. I like my alone time. I like doing whatever I want, whenever I want. I like having money in savings. I like my car. I mean, I'll eventually have to sell my car, right?"

"Why would you have to sell your car?"

"Because isn't that something parents-to-be do?"

"No." Dr. Dupree laughed. "You don't have to sell your car, Sam. Not if you don't want to."

"I just..." I groaned. "What if I'm bad at it?"

"What if you're not?"

My shoulders shrunk. We were going nowhere but in circles. Truth be told, this was just Dr. Dupree's ingenious way to make me admit the truth – the real truth – about what I was feeling. I took a deep breath and readied myself.

"What if I just mess up a child even more than they already are from being in the system?" I asked.

Dr. Dupree made a quick note before looking up at me. The comment seemed to come out of nowhere, but, apparently, it was something that appealed to her. Appealed enough for her to finally engage with me fully.

"You're afraid your past will hurt the child and the child's future?"

Yes, of course.

"I'm afraid of a lot of things."

"Sam."

"Yes," I forced. "Children need a lot of love. Children, especially broken children, need love and validation and support..."

"All of which you seem to successfully provide to the most important people in your life."

We just stared at each other. I knew she was right, technically, but I still had issues. Then again, a lot of parents had issues. Also, a lot of parents tended not to even address their issues in the first place.

"You see Sam..." Dr. Dupree began. "People who experience abuse tend to inherit the toxic traits of their abusers. They develop the same habits and the cycle remains unbroken."

"But people who face their abusive past and habits, and learn to recognize toxic patterns..." She smiled at me. "They also learn how to break the cycle. Just like you're doing here, with me."

Ugh. She was right.

"It's okay to not feel ready," she claimed. "It's likely you never feel one-hundred-percent ready to raise a child. Most people who become parents aren't prepared when it happens. Most people who become parents are bad at it right off the bat."

"Is this supposed to make me feel better?" I asked.

"No," she answered. "But it is meant to make you think."

"Well, then I guess you've done your job."

"Then, I guess that makes the couch worth it."

I laughed, but she had given me plenty of thought to chew on. She had made a lot of good points, but it sucked thinking that I might never feel "ready" to have a child. I mean, there have been instances, or more like flashes of time that lasted mere seconds, of when I would picture a tiny Megan running around the house. A little girl with those same eyes I loved so much. Those moments were few and far between, but they still happened.

It was one thing to not feel ready, but it was another to lack the ability to step up and be the parent you needed to be.

And I was afraid when the time came, I wouldn't be able to step up.

* * *

Megan entered the house and Charlie ran straight for her feet, jumping and pawing to be either picked up or petted. I called to calm our pup from the kitchen, but it was no use. Megan was Charlie's favorite, after all.

"How was your first day back after spring break?" I wondered.

"Good." She set her things on the dining room table. "The kids were excited to see me."

"I bet they were."

"How was therapy?"

"Fine." I leaned back and looked at her. "We talked about a lot."

"Do you feel like elaborating, or not really?"

"Um, well, she suggested another couple's session at the end," I revealed. "If that's something you'd be interested in doing again."

Our first couple session had been weird. There was a lot of tiptoeing because we were afraid of offending one another. It was a safe space, with a mediator, but it was different and a bit uncomfortable. Then again, we had talked mostly about how Megan felt when I revealed I had almost cheated on her, and how that had resurfaced traumatic memories of when Nikki had left her. So, I guess describing it as uncomfortable was fitting.

I didn't like reminding Megan of Nikki. At all.

"You must've brought up the fostering thing," Megan claimed.

"I did."

Megan looked at me and sighed. I took her in and admired the patience she continued to exhibit. She never seemed to back down from a challenge, especially if it had anything to do with helping me.

"Fine," she agreed. "I'll go to another session with you, on one condition..."

My stomach squeezed with anticipation.

"What's that?"

"You come to a certification class with me," she proposed. "And just see if it makes you feel better about going through with it."

Attend a foster certification class with Megan in exchange for another couple's session where we would most likely talk about how the thought of fostering makes us feel. It was overwhelming, but it seems like a fair trade. I didn't have to commit to anything, yet.

I just had to test out the waters.

"Deal," I accepted.

A wide smile spread on Megan's face as she moved over to me. Her slender arms wrapped around my neck as she planted a sweet kiss on my lips.

"Thank you," she whispered. "You have no idea how much that means to me."

I smirked. "I have an idea."

"Oh yeah?" she teased.

I hoisted her onto the counter and wedged myself in between her legs. My hands stroked up her thighs and then my hands gripped her waist. Her soft hands cradled my head as those mesmerizing eyes studied me. She always had these moments where she would just stare at me, like she couldn't quite believe I was still here sometimes. I had similar moments, especially after everything last year. It was a miracle we had made it out of that still somewhat intact.

"I can see how hard you're trying," she said. "And I appreciate it so much."

A smile crept onto my lips involuntarily as I rested my head in her hands and looked up at her. Another thing she did was validate and reassure me a lot. A new tactic Dr. Dupree had implemented to help grow my confidence in my own self-worth and decision making.

"Now, what're you making for dinner? I'm starving."

I backed away from her so she could hop off the counter.

"Just baking a gourmet frozen pizza," I joked. "I'm sorry, I really just didn't feel like cooking."

She laughed. "It's okay. I like pizza."

The timer beeped and I removed it from the oven and cut it into even-ish slices. Then I served us both as we settled on the couch together.

"So, Casey and Shawn have settled on baby names," Megan revealed. "Apparently, they like Melanie for a girl, and Ben for a boy."

"It's definitely gonna be a boy," I said. "I'm already calling it."

"I don't know..." Megan shrugged. "I kinda hope it's a girl."

Shawn and Casey hadn't technically announced their pregnancy because it was still very early on but had told us. They hadn't technically been trying, but things happen. Apparently, Shawn was more excited than Casey was. This was something I hadn't expected.

"You just hope they have a girl because you've always wanted a daughter," I claimed.

"True, but honestly, I just want them to be as healthy as they can be." She leaned into the couch. "And happy."

"They'll be happy."

"I bet if it were a girl, though, she would look just like you."

My eyes looked up from my slice of pizza and landed on Megan who was smirking at me. I felt the heat rush to my face at the sight. Megan always raved about how cute I was as a child. She constantly looked at my baby pictures.

"You think so, huh?" I wondered.

"Absolutely. You and Shawn look so much alike. Your traits would dominate Casey's, for sure."

I just shook my head and admired my ability to talk to openly about something like this. This wouldn't have happened three months ago. This would've been something I avoided completely out of fear of the unknown. Yet, things seemed lighter now. I was able to imagine a different future for myself and not feel so afraid and alone. Especially if I pictured Megan by my side.

"Are we making a bet, then?" I joked.

"I am not betting on Shawn and Casey's baby," Megan said. "At least, not until the second trimester."

"Fine."

We finished dinner and Megan quickly did the dishes before we readied for bed. Charlie was already waiting for us, curled up into the shape of a C with her tail wagging. I lied down and faced Megan who was slowly slipping into bed with us.

"So, what if I don't feel better after the foster certification class?" I wondered.

Megan sighed as she stared at me, thinking of what to say.

"Then, we will cross the bridge once we get there."

I just nodded in agreement. We would look to the future, but not too far ahead. We would continue taking baby steps until we arrived at a problem, and then we would tackle it. Together. Like we've always done.

"I love you," she whispered through the dark.

I reached out to her and touched her hand, then smiled.

"I love you more."

***A/N***

Here's a cute little kick-off to Season 4 for you. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, please vote!

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