| November 17 | Saturday Afternoon |

~ Sam's POV ~

If I had to describe the heaviness I felt, I would compare it to being trapped under the weight of a collapsed house in the middle of a storm. The weight was so heavy on my chest that it was impossible to scream for help. I felt trapped. I felt terrified. I felt like I was losing with every second that passed. I didn't know what to do anymore. Was there anything I could do? One thing was for sure, I had to try and keep it together, at least today. For Shawn and Casey.

I released a deep sigh as I straightened my skinny tie in a nervous attempt to feel put-together. Luckily, since the wedding parties for our bride and groom weren't excessive, I had half the dressing room to myself. As I stood in front of the three-way mirror, I attempted to stay out of my head, but it was difficult. I had expected my parents' presence to put me on edge, but that, on top of everything else, made me feel like I was walking a tightrope.

"Oh, screw you!" I heard in the distance. "I've known Shawn and Sam longer than you. Now get out of my way!"

I watched Blair shove her way past a groomsman in the mirror and stalk over to me. Suddenly, some of the ice in my veins melted. I turned towards her.

"Glad you could make it–"

My sentence was cut short as she crashed into me. Her arms wrapped around me and hugged tight. It took me a second to reciprocate because it was taking all I had not to cry. Eventually, I gathered myself and returned her gesture.

"Dude, I've missed you so much," she said into my neck.

I pressed my cheek against the side of her head to hide my face. "I've missed you too."

We pulled back and looked at each other. I knew she would see the difference in me immediately. Blair knew me better than anyone, and when she studied me, the look on her face proved my assumption true. She furrowed her brow in confusion.

"What's wrong?" she wondered. "You know this isn't your wedding, right? You can't get cold feet."

I couldn't help but laugh. "I know that Blair. There's nothing wrong."

"So, you're gonna lie?" she asked. "That's what you're choosing to do?"

I should've known better. Blair could smell bullshit. Especially my bullshit. There was no use in trying to lie to her. Yet, if I told her what the past few months had entailed for Megan and me, I could only imagine her reaction. She would probably freak out and cause a scene, forcing Shawn to come over here and start asking questions. I didn't know what to do.

"Come with me smoke," I said.

"You're smoking again?" Blair scoffed. "What the fuck-"

"Just come on." I pulled her out of the room. "And stop cursing, you're in a church."

"You're the one to lecture me about cursing."

We made it through the church and escaped out the back entrance. Downtown Tampa traffic made just enough noise to mask our escape as I pulled out my pack of smokes and lighter.

"Want one?" I offered.

"You know better." Blair folded her arms in annoyance. "Now, tell me what's going on."

I took a drag and tried to think of where to start. I really didn't know. Where had everything started to spiral?

"I started therapy." I took a pause. "And it's pretty much done exactly what I knew it would, which is resurface all my trauma. I found out Megan was looking into the fostering process without me. The nightmares came back. I can feel myself going numb like I'm seventeen again. I'm drinking and smoking. Me and Megan fought a few weeks ago after she had dinner with a colleague without telling me, which isn't even a big deal other than the fact that I know this dude would screw her if he had the chance. But I can't even blame her for confiding in him because I won't let her confide in me..."

I took a deep breath.

"And... I almost cheated on her. Twice."

The look on Blair's face was a mix of shock and confusion. Her eyes remained narrowed as her mouth hung slightly open, while attempting to process everything I had just said. She knew about the foster thing, but nothing else. I hadn't had the chance to tell her, on top of feeling guilty for even thinking of involving her.

"Wait..." She took a step back. "You almost cheated? Twice? Did I hear that correctly?"

I took another long drag while refusing to look at her when I nodded my head. There was no way I could look at her.

"With who?" she pressed.

"Jade, a bartender at Crossroads."

"And you said you almost cheated. What does that mean?"

I could hear the anger in her voice, but at this point I figured I was doomed anyway.

"It means..." I blew out smoke. "It would've happened if Jade hadn't stopped me."

That's when manicured hands were suddenly gripping the edged of my suit jacket, yanking me out of my head. She shook me a few times as she brought her face close to mine. I looked down at my best friend with uncertainty.

"Sam, are you kidding me-"

"Sam, Shawn's looking for you...uh..."

Both Blair and I turned our heads to Tony who was standing there, looking confused as to why Blair looked like she was about to throw me to the ground and pummel me.

"No offense Blair," Tony started. "But I don't think Shawn would appreciate your beating up his best-woman right before his wedding."

Blair turned her attention back to me and brought my face closer to hers.

"We are not done talking about this," she hissed before letting me go to straighten my jacket. She patted my chest. "But Tony's probably right, so you're lucky."

I threw Tony a look of appreciation before disappearing back into the church. I sprayed myself with perfume and made my way back into the dressing room where Shawn and the other two groomsmen were waiting.

"There you are!" Shawn held up a silver flask. "We were just about to take pre-wedding shots."

Shawn took his first and then passed it to me. I hesitantly accepted the flask and debated whether I should do this or not. Who the hell was I kidding? I knew I shouldn't. I knew it, but I couldn't help it. If I didn't take a shot, it would look weird and cause him to wonder what my problem was. Besides, I was in for a long night anyway, so might as well start taking the edge off now...

I threw the flask back and felt the whiskey slide down my throat, loving the burn on the way down.

* * *

I hadn't stood in a Catholic church in a long time. I expected to burst into flames, or to at least feel the sense dread to accompany me, but neither happened, even with the crucified statue of Jesus staring down at me. The ceremony was well underway now, and Shawn and Casey were preparing to say their vows. I played with the ring box in my pocket as I tried not to focus on the anxiety of knowing I held people's stares, afraid everyone could see that I didn't really belong in a place like this.

"I, Shawn Carson, take you, Casey Bennet, to be my wife..."

Eventually I couldn't stare at Jesus anymore and investigated the crowd. Blair's gaze locked with mine. The anger was still in her eyes. Before she could throw me anymore jarring looks, I forced my stare away from her.

That's when my eyes found Megan, who was looking at Shawn and Casey with a look I had never seen before. She looked stunning, as always, but there was a pain she wore like an invisible vail. It was able to cover certain things about her that I loved, like the light in her eyes that never dimmed. I couldn't see that light anymore.

"... to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health..."

Megan's sad eyes eventually found me in the middle of the vows. I could feel the tears on my waterline. I tried to blink them away, but one tear successfully escaped. Megan's eyes were glossy too. What the hell was I doing hurting her the way I was?

"... and to love you until death do us part."

Could I overcome my past enough to heal? Could I become whole again? At one point, I thought I was, but it turned out, no matter how far I ran, my past caught up to me eventually. My issues weren't going away until I addressed them. Until I expressed them. It was scary to think about. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I didn't want to feel like there was something missing for the rest of my life. I didn't want to feel lesser than. I wanted to move on, and away from the pain my parents had placed on my shoulders.

"Sam."

The voices were no longer far away as I snapped out of my head and turned to my brother.

"The rings," he said.

I cleared my throat and revealed the box in which they sat and handed them to the priest.

"May the Lord bless these rings, which you will give to each other as the sign of your love and fidelity..."

I knew I wanted this. I wanted Megan and I wanted a fulfilling life. I deserved it. I knew that. But getting past all the demons that would prevent it was a challenge I wasn't sure if I could face. I needed support, like Dr. Dupree had said. I needed Blair. I needed Shawn. I needed Megan...

But in order to have Megan's support, I needed to be honest with her.

* * *

The reception was in full swing and the celebration was nowhere near its end. As I sipped on my whiskey and watched my brother and his new wife dance, I could see the joy and love surrounding him and Casey. I tried not to feel disappointed that I just couldn't feel it.

The ballroom was vast, elegant, and conveniently located inside of the hotel where most of us were staying for the night. This allowed me to ditch my tie and jacket in our hotel room after mass and enjoy the reception in the comfort of just my slacks and button up.

I felt a soft hand slip into my free one.

"Would you be opposed to dancing with me after Shawn and Casey's first dance?" Megan whispered.

I looked over my shoulder and gave her a smile. "Of course not," I answered.

Eventually other couples began filling the dance floor and I finished the rest of my drink. I could feel it loosening me up, but I had to be smart. I couldn't overdo it like I had done last time. I couldn't lose control. Not here.

I pulled Megan into me as we swayed to the music. She rested her head against my chest, probably still making sure I had a beating heart somewhere inside. I knew I hadn't been acting like it recently. I knew she could tell there was something I wasn't telling her. She just had no idea the extent of my fuckups.

"I miss you, Sam," she whispered. "I miss my best friend."

I felt my jaw flex, attempting to stop the pain from exposing more tears. I pressed my cheek harder against her head and hoped she didn't look up anytime soon.

"I need you," she continued, the knife in my heart twisting. "I need you and I need you to forgive me for pushing you too far."

My left arm snaked around Megan's back and hugged her against me so she couldn't pull back. I couldn't let her see the what her apology was doing to me. I couldn't let her see that I was unraveling.

"Megan, stop apologizing," I forced. "Please."

We continued to sway to the music as I tried my best to remain composed, but it was so hard. She didn't deserve any of this. She deserved someone so much better than me, but she refused to see that. How could I possibly tell her what I had almost done? How could I break her heart like that?

"I just want you to talk to me," she begged.

"We'll talk soon," I promised. "Just not right now."

The thought of being honest with her scared the living hell out of me. What would she do? Would she forgive me? Would she understand? Would she remain by my side as I battled the rest of my demons?

Or would she leave me?

Then the song ended, and we parted. She pulled back and looked at me, and by the look on her face, I knew she could see the truth. She knew I was lying about something. She knew I had done something beyond repair. She released my hand and just gave me a stiff nod before leaving me on the dance floor.

* * *

Maybe it had been a bad idea for Shawn and Casey to agree to have an open bar. Then again, everyone else seemed to be abusing it just as much as I was, so what was the big deal? Oh yeah, I had an addictive personality and a lot of issues. Jesus, Sam, why can't you just stop?

I had lost count of how many drinks I had, but I swore the bartender threw me a shady glance when I went for my latest round. A generous tip was bound to keep them from asking questions though, right?

My eyes found my family in conversation with Shawn, Casey, Megan, Blair and Tony and I wondered if I should join. No telling what they were talking about. Besides, Blair wouldn't dare bring up anything in front of my parents or Megan in fear of creating more drama. It seemed safe enough...

I joined in and stood in between my father and my fiancée, feeling a nudge into my shoulder from my father.

"How many of those drinks have you had?" he wondered.

I shrugged. "I'm not really counting."

Careful, Sam.

I tried to shake the attitude but couldn't help but feel the burn of anger. Who the hell was he trying to lecture? I learned my habits from him. Didn't he realize that?

"Oh Shawn, the ceremony was amazing," my mom swooned. "And the church was so beautiful."

"I just noticed you've been to the bar quite a bit," my dad whispered into my ear. "And you're drinking whiskey. That's not a light beverage, Sam."

The anger bubbled more. Deep down I knew he was right. Drinking Jack had been a bad idea, especially in this environment, but it was too late. I squeezed my glass a little tighter, attempting to keep my mouth shut.

"So, Megan," my mom started. "What are you and Sam's plans? Since you two can't necessarily have a real wedding?"

Real wedding? Real? What the fuck did she mean by that? I couldn't necessarily detect a passive aggressive tone, but why had she worded it like that? Like our wedding day would somehow be lesser-than. Suddenly, the anger started to overflow.

"I know you're an adult, but alcoholism runs in the family..." my dad pressed in my ear.

The anger was becoming all I could focus on. Eventually, I could only hear my heartbeat. My grip on my glass tightened. Red outlined my vision. Blair's gaze caught mine and she shook her head. She knew what was happening. Did Megan know? Did Shawn? I could feel the anger about to overflow, like an unstable bomb ready to explode.

"What did you mean by that, mom?" I blurted.

Everyone fell silent.

"Sam..." Megan warned.

"She didn't mean it like that," Shawn included.

"I'm not asking you," I spat at my brother before looking at mom. "So, what, mom? Because me and Megan are both women, we won't have a 'real' marriage? Because we're women it's not the 'real' thing?"

"That's not what I meant-"

"Then what did you mean?"

I knew I should stop, because this obviously wasn't the place, but I couldn't. Everything felt overwhelming. Everything felt wrong. Why could she just think before she spoke? And why did she think she could talk to my fiancée like that? Did she even consider Megan my fiancée?

"She's had too much to drink," my dad concluded while reaching for my glass.

"You're not exactly the spokesperson for limits, dad." I pulled away and threw back the rest of my whiskey, which was a hefty swallow. Then I slammed the glass on a cocktail table. "Besides, I learned it from you. You're not impressed?"

"What is wrong with her?" I heard mom mumbled.

That just about did it. I felt something inside me break. Snap. The anger swelled and multiplied, like a disease in my veins. Everyone was looking at me, watching and waiting for the explosion. They knew it was coming.

"What's wrong with me?" I laughed. "I'm fucked up, mom! I can't sleep at night because I have nightmares about all the shitty things you said and did to me when I was a kid!"

"Alright," Blair interjected. "Let's go."

"Sam's that enough." Shawn grabbed my arm, but I yanked away from him.

"Don't fuckin' touch me," I demanded. "You always defended them and always took their side..."

"No. I didn't."

"Yes. You did! Just like you're doing now!"

"Sam," Megan's voice cut through the chaos like a knife. "Let's go."

The burning in my eyes caused tears to form as I succumbed to her demands. I knew what was coming. She was leaving me. I was a fuck up. I fucked up and Shawn was going to hate me. I was an embarrassment. Megan couldn't deal with it anymore.

Blair followed us and said something about going to her hotel room, but I didn't want to go anywhere. The panic of being left by Megan was enough for me to sabotage my relationship before she could. I couldn't let her leave me. If she left me, I would die.

"I need some air," I said.

"You need to lay down," Blair included. "Before you say anything else stupid tonight."

"No!" I shouted, pulling away from Megan and Blair. "I can't! I can't fucking do this anymore!"

The look on Blair's face was clear even though it was blurry. I couldn't tell if it was word vomit or real vomit coming, but when I looked at Megan, who looked so fed up, I knew what it would be. She wanted out. She couldn't do this anymore either. She couldn't deal with me. Maybe I should end it and let her go. That's what she probably wanted anyway, right?

But Megan gently took my hands anyway.

"Let's go," she continued to coax me to the elevators.

I shook my head. She was going to leave me as soon as we were alone. She didn't want to do this in front of Blair. She didn't want to embarrass me further, but I was already too far gone. The burning in my body was everywhere, like I was on fire. The urge to end it all became uncontrollable. I couldn't breathe. I needed to tell her the truth. I needed to end it. I needed it off my fucking chest. Right. Now.

"Just fuckin' leave me then!" I yelled at Megan. "That's what you really want, isn't it?!"

Megan stepped back and flinched at my voice. Her blue eyes glossed over with tears. She looked so fragile and depleted. She looked so... hurt. That was on me. I had ruined Megan Adams, just like I knew I would.

"I'm never gonna be good enough, Megan," I forced. "I can't give you what you want!"

"Sam, stop..." Blair said, but her voice was far away.

I couldn't keep it in anymore. I just couldn't. It was like poison I needed to get out of my system. It was killing me. I needed to tell her. I needed to.

"I almost cheated on you!" I blurted.

The look on her face... there was nothing like it. Her eyes grew red as two steady streams of tears flowed down her cheeks. There was no pain greater than this. It was like watching the world being ripped out from under your feet. It was painful. It was excruciating. I had never seen Megan this devastated, but even in the face of this, I still couldn't stop. I just couldn't stop.

Why the fuck couldn't I stop?

"I'm not good enough. I never was and I never will be. So just fuckin' leave me already."

The voice that was coming out of my mouth didn't even sound like me. It was someone I hadn't known for a long time. Someone I thought I had abandoned years ago, but she was alive and had never left, I had just buried her deep inside. She was back, and she was mad and confused and scared, and she didn't care about the destruction she was causing.

"Fine," she snapped. "But remember that you did this, Sam."

Megan removed the ring I had given her and shoved it into my chest with this horrid look on her face. I almost didn't catch the ring due to the force, which nearly sent me to the floor. Then, she turned around and stormed off, disappearing into the elevator. I swore something in my chest literally broke at the sight.

Everything after that was a blur. The elevator, the room, and falling into an unfamiliar couch. The tears and the pain and the nausea. As I struggled to come to terms with what I had just done, all I could do was hope it was just another fucked up nightmare I would wake up from.

But as I fell into the abyss, I knew it wasn't, and I hoped I didn't wake up this time.

***A/N***

So, Segan has officially hit rock bottom, but the good news is... there's nowhere but up from here on out. This chapter was heavy. I know. But we will get through it. I promise.

Stay safe and healthy.

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Be Proud. Stay You.

Lauryn