| October 1 | Monday Night |

~Sam's POV~

I didn't know where I was going when I left the house, I just knew I needed space. The grip I held on my keys was enough to cut through the skin of my right hand as I tried not to break them. When I got into my car and cranked it to life, I pulled out quickly, still without any sense of direction. Before I could think any further, I found the hidden pack of cigarettes and lit one, taking a long first drag and attempting to calm down enough to figure out a game plan.

The sun was setting over the Gulf, giving the sky a beautiful pink hue as the heat began to settle down. It was serine, but it felt impossible to enjoy. How the hell had everything gone from great to horrid in the matter of months?

I tried to think of the things Dr. Dupree told me during our sessions and attempted to implement them. The negative thoughts stem from feeling abandoned as a child, she claimed in my head. They do not represent who you are now.

But who was I, really? What did I believe in? And what the hell did I really want out of this life?

I ended up at a public parking lot that faced the edge of the water. It was calm today. The sea quite literally looked like a mirror because it was so still. Why couldn't my mind be like that? Why couldn't life just be a little more still?

I hung my arm out of my driver's window and just stared, trying to figure out what I really wanted. Sometimes, I felt as if I never got to really dig deep and figure it out, because let's be real, I didn't think I would make it out of my teens, much less to twenty-two. Now here I was, hundreds of miles away from everything I knew, with a new job and newly engaged to someone who felt ready to foster a child. Would I ever catch up to Megan? Or would I always be ten steps behind?

I knew she was older. I knew she hadn't been through half of the things I had been through, which allowed her to successfully blossom throughout her life. Sure, she had experienced great loss, but that had probably only fueled her to live life to the fullest. We were not the same, and there was a part of me that was starting to believe it would always hold me back from being what she truly needed.

Then, out of nowhere, I heard a familiar voice.

"Sam?" Jade voiced. "What are you doing?"

As strange as it was that she was here, I couldn't even find the will to care about that.

"Just thinking," I confessed.

Jade didn't wait for an invitation. She just simply climbed into the passenger seat of my car, helped herself to one of my cigarettes, and lit it up next to me while rolling down her own window.

"Wanna talk?" she asked.

I had avoided talking to her the other day because I thought I would get a chance to unload on Blair, but she was busy with midterms and I felt guilty for even thinking of stressing her out more. So, I didn't. And Megan was out of the question because the issues I was having pertained to our relationship. Sure, Dr. Dupree was helping, but everything I needed to sort through, I had to do it on my own.

"And for the record," Jade started. "I definitely wasn't stalking you."

I looked at her. "I'll just tell everyone you like long, romantic walks on the beach by yourself."

She just chuckled. "Okay."

I smoked my cigarette slowly as we sat in silence. It wasn't awkward, and it was nice to not be alone, even when I felt like I was.

"I'm starting to think I'll never be enough for Megan," I confessed. "No matter how hard I push myself."

Jade couldn't have possibly predicted what the hell would come out of my mouth, but it didn't seem to shock her. Hell, I could tell Jade had her fair share of crap experiences, so my trivial issues didn't even make her flinch. That's what I liked about her. She was a lot like me, or the old me, which I missed sometimes.

I missed the girl who was selfish and didn't feel any regard for anyone but herself. Caring hurt too much. It's why I had stopped in the first place. Now, I was in love with someone who I was terrified to disappoint, and scared I was incapable of being who she wanted me to be.

"For someone who's seen some shit..." Jade took a long drag of her smoke. "You sure do take life real serious."

I shouldn't have been shocked that Jade could read me like a book. I mean, I could do that same with her. It was only right that it worked the other way around.

"I thought being with Megan and moving with her... away from our hometown... would give me time and space to grow." I flicked the ash of my cigarette. "I thought getting a better job would be enough. I thought supporting her through school would be enough. I thought proposing, regardless of the fear I feel every single fucking day, would be enough..."

The silence was interrupted by a flock of seagulls calling overhead.

"But I feel like I'm going a-hundred-miles-per-hour and she's going one-twenty," I finished. "I just can't seem to catch up."

More silence. Maybe Jade didn't know what to say. I didn't expect her to. I mean, she didn't even know what I was talking about.

"I can listen to you vent if that's what you want," she replied. "But if you're looking for advice, I can't give you much without knowing some context."

I fished for another cigarette as I contemplated what to do. She was right about that, and maybe I should just vent to get it all out, because did I really want advice? I wasn't sure. I also knew that I didn't want to go into detail about my relationship with Megan. I didn't want to taint this town too.

"I had a really shitty childhood," I confessed. "I watched my parents fight like they hated each other for the majority of it, until I was a teenager and started staying out later and later to avoid it."

I paused to listen to the seagulls.

"My mom abused me. Physically and emotionally." The memories still managed to hurt me, even after all these years. "So, I guess I started feeling abandoned by my dad first, because he didn't do anything to stop it. Then, there was an accident one day that sent me to the hospital. I threatened to turn my mom in if she didn't let me go live with my older brother. It was probably the lowest point of my entire life..."

"That was when both of my parents collectively abandoned me. Years passed where they didn't do much to try and regain my trust. I don't blame them that much because I made it really hard..." I continued. "My therapist says I still have a lot of unpacking and forgiving to do, but... I don't know if I'll ever be whole enough to be what Megan needs."

"She needs someone who can trust her, fully, and I've had serious trust issues for years that never seem to go away." I pulled in nicotine from my smoke. "I love her, so I do everything I can to bury it. I move with her to attend graduate school, I propose to her, I move to Florida to outrun our past... But when I found out she was looking into the fostering process for this little girl in her class..."

"It was the tipping point," I finished.

Jade was dead silent next to me.

"I think eventually, with the moving and the marriage, I could be okay with it. I could grow during the process and it still feel natural," I said. "But I can't be a fucking mom at twenty-two years old."

More silence. Jade was probably just processing the truckload of crap I just unloaded onto her, so I didn't mind giving her a minute. I really didn't even mind if she refused to say anything at all. I couldn't expect anyone to understand what the hell I was going through.

"My mom left when I was kid," Jade started. "Dad turned into a drunk and my older sister moved as soon as she got the chance. I know what you're feeling, and I know how that can fuck you up real bad."

"Two years ago, I moved here with someone," Jade confessed. "She left me after just a few weeks, which meant I was in a foreign place, all alone, with no family to contact for support because they pretty much disowned me when they found out about her." She blew smoke through her lips. "At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. I loved her and it felt right. I was getting away from my shit family, starting over in a more progressive city... And then suddenly I was alone."

"Sometimes, people are meant to teach you something," she revealed. "Sometimes they're just a test to see how far you can be pushed, until you eventually break."

I didn't necessarily like the answer, but I couldn't have expected someone like Jade to make me feel better. She wasn't that kind of person. Maybe she saw the injustice I was facing and agreed with it. If that were the case, it felt really nice to have someone on my side for once.

"Sure, it could be your trauma and anxiety holding you back from catching up to Megan, that you'll work through eventually," Jade suggested. "Or, you'll just keep trying and giving all you can until you can't give anymore, leading to the breaking point for your relationship."

The thought of losing Megan... it had always eaten me up inside, ever since I had fully committed to her. I knew the pain would be phenomenal. It would cripple me. Would I ever be able to come back from it? Just the thought gave me an amount of anxiety I couldn't tame.

"See, me, I could stay here, live a decently comfortable life and find someone to settle down with..." Her tone was somber. Just like mine. "Or, I can move again. On my own, this time. Start over simply because I feel like it."

She took a small pause.

"Life's just a bunch of choices," she said. "And then you die."

I looked at her and suddenly saw a part of Jade I knew she didn't show anyone. This part was afraid of the unknown, afraid of the knowledge that there probably was no higher meaning or purpose, and that all this self-inflicted suffering was for nothing. Worrying about doing the right or bad thing was for nothing.

"Where are you thinking of moving to?" I wondered.

"Maybe California." She pondered a thought. "Or Colorado, but I don't know if I could take the cold."

As I studied her through the pink sunset filter, I tried not to find beauty in her suffering, but it was hard. I was suffering to. We were both cut from the same cloth. We were both some of the unfortunate that looked at life through a different lens than everyone else. It comforted me knowing that she somewhat agreed with me, though.

"Whether you find the strength to help this girl with Megan or not..." She paused. "I don't think it really matters to anyone or any higher power... But if it means something to you, then that's all that really matters."

Well, that certainly didn't make me feel better. And the fact that it was taking everything I had not to kiss Jade right now was the goddamn cherry on top. Her green eyes were glazed over in thought as she stared out at the sunset, lost in her mind while I was just... lost. All I could keep thinking was that I would never measure up and Megan would leave me for someone who was ready for the life she wanted. Someone like Ethan who had a daughter already and who was good-looking and obviously into her...

Intrusive thoughts about kissing Jade continued to infiltrate my mind and make me feel the need to self-sabotage. I knew I should stop thinking like that, but there was this desperate need to fuck everything up so I could start over. But I didn't want to start over. No. I wanted Megan. I wanted her and her unconditional love! I wanted her no matter what I had to do to keep her!

But I also wanted to be free. I wanted to escape the pressure and the weight I felt just to measure up to what Megan wanted. Could kissing Jade help remind me why I wasn't good enough? Because I knew I wasn't. And I was convinced I would never feel good enough no matter how much therapy I did!

That's when her gaze found mine. I felt my face heat up in response, but I didn't look away. We held eye-contact for a few seconds before we both realized where things were going, and that if we didn't stop, it would surely get there.

She pulled back before I did.

"I think I should go," she said.

"Y-Yeah," I stuttered. "I should get back home."

She climbed out of my car but hesitated to walk away, like she had something else to say, but refused to face me again.

"See you later," she said with her back facing me.

"See you."

Then she left and the emptiness surrounded me.

***A/N***

Yeah, I know. More angst. More drama. But it'll be worth it. I promise. So, hang in there!

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And last but not least,

Be Proud. Stay You.

Lauryn