28th March 2012

I was extremely upset on the way back. I didn't want to leave those amazing people. Yes I did plan to visit them every once in a while but I knew it wouldn't be the same as living with them.

"We're here." Sally chirped. Sally opened the door and got out but I didn't move. She started to make her way to our front door but upon realising I wasn't behind her, she returned to the car.

Now that we were here, I was feeling terribly anxious. What my father had done hadn't scared me or made me afraid of him at all. It was just the fact that I didn't know how'd they react to seeing me for the first time in two months. Rianne and I left on kind of a bad note with the whole Kieran situation and all and I definitely was not on good terms with my dad. I hardly talked to my mum and I know she'd want to start talking to me and be friendly to me after what had happened.

"What are you doing? You're home now."

"Just, give me a minute. Please." I clutched the teddy bear Isaiah had given me to my chest. She sighed, closed the door and apologised to the driver.

"Look, Riah. I know you might be feeling a little bit afraid of your father because of what he's done but trust me, he is an amazing guy and he loves you and your sister to death. There's no need to be afraid of him."

"I'm not scared of him."

"Then what is it?"

"It's not the same. Nothing's going to be as it was before all of this happened."

"Sure it will."

"No. It won't." I shook my head.

"I know my mum feels sorry for me and her and my dad are going to try and make it up to me. They're going to be overly nice all the time and give me tons of attention that they never did before. The atmosphere of the house is going to change because this situation is going to hang over us like a dark cloud."

"This is your home, Riah. They all love you and care about you and want what's best for you. They just want to make things right with you. They're your family after all." After talking with Sally for a while, I got out of the car.

I followed her up the stairs to the front door. We waited for a few seconds after she rung the door bell.

"One second!" I could hear my mum yell. She was probably in the kitchen. She opened the door and her face lit up when she saw me behind Sally.

"Ray!" She exclaimed.

"Oh, my baby! Come in. Come in." She ushered us inside the house.

Man it'd been a while. I set my bags on the floor.

"Riah." She sighed. She hugged me tightly but let go once she realised I wasn't going to hug her back.

"I've missed you. Well we've all missed you, to be honest. I didn't think you would be back this early."

"Yeah." Was all I said. I felt awkward talking to her and being around her. She was doing exactly what I had been dreading. She was talking to me too much and being overly nice to make up for what had happened.

"Do you want to take your stuff up while me and your mum have a word?" Sally smiled. I nodded and put my food in the kitchen then began walking up the stairs.

Tina was coming out of the bathroom when she saw me.

"RIAH!" She screamed, running to me and jumping on me.

"Oh my god, I missed you so bloody much, don't ever leave us again." She commanded. I laughed and hugged her back.

"I missed you too, T."

"Did you say Riah?" The bedroom door opened and I heard Rianne scream before she jumped on us and we all fell.

"Oh my twin! My gorgeous gorgeous twin! I missed you're stush arse." She kissed all over my face.

"Rah, am I meant to take that as a compliment?"

They got off and I walked to the room to put my stuff away.

"So, did you meet anyone while you were over there?" The interrogation had started. I rolled my eyes as I took off my body warmer and trainers.

"Oh yes, if you've met somebody, please do tell." Rianne sat on the bed with Tina.

"Really guys, that's what you want to know?" I began putting my clothes in the wardrobe.

"Yes! I heard Hackney is full of hot boys, is that true?" Tina asked. I laughed.

"Is that really relevant?"

"Ooh, sounds like you've met someone." Rianne smiled as I looked at her.

"Where'd you get the hat?" She asked, pulling it off my head to put on hers.

"A friend from the foster home gave it to me." I tried to snatch it from her but she dodged.

"Male or female?"

"Does it matter? Give it to me."

"I guess that means it was a guy." Tina stood up on the bed as Rianne chucked the beanie to her.

"Guys, give it back."

"Did he give you that teddy bear too? If so then that is real cute. I need me a man like that." Tina laughed.

"Tina I'm gonna tackle you una."

"I've never seen that necklace before, did he get you that too? It's really pretty." Rianne looked at me as they began playing piggy in the middle with my beanie.

"You lot are so annoying." I huffed. I could feel my cheeks go red.

"Okay fine, here." She threw it at me and I caught it, putting it in my drawer.

"Let's get a closer look at that necklace shall we?" Rianne pinned me on the bed.

"Ooh, let's." Tina agreed, staring at me necklace.

"Wow." She gawked.

"Is this real gold? Tina, this is real gold innit?" She clarified with Tina.

"You let someone get you a necklace? A gold necklace? With your name on it?" She raised a brow.

"I didn't know he was going to get it." I defended. I froze once I realised what I said.

"He?" Rianne smirked. I sighed.

"Yeah, you know you fucked up. Damn does he have a brother?" Tina asked upon closer inspection of the necklace. I laughed.

"No, he's got two little sister's though."

"Aww." Rianne cooed.

"Oh my god, Riah! Is that a hickey?" Tina shouted.

"Hickey?" Rianne looked at me with a shocked expression.

"No. It's just makeup." I sat up and pretended to wipe my neck.

"You don't wear makeup, remember?" She crossed her arms.

"I don't? Oh. Oops."

"Riah, you slut!" Tina laughed.

"I am not!" I declared.

"Who's been giving you hickeys?" Rianne asked.

"No one. Gosh."

"You can't hide this from me, I'll find out sooner or later."

"It doesn't matter, man." I kissed my teeth.

"What's been going on with you guys though?" I changed the subject.

"Nothing much. Oh, Tyrus' girl is pregnant." Tina said flatly.

"What! No way! Oh my gosh you're going to be an auntie!" I smiled. Tyrus was Tina's eldest brother. She rolled her eyes.

"What? Aren't you excited?"

"Ew no. Yeah it's cute he's having a baby and all, I just wish it wasn't with that witch." Tina and Tyrus' girlfriend, Amanda, never got along.

"Don't say that, Tina. Ty loves that girl and you know it." Rianne flicked Tina's forehead.

"Well, what about you Anne? How's Kieran?" I asked.

"Oh, God." She groaned.

"What? What did he do?" I shifted my position so I was looking at her.

"Why do you assume he did something?" She screwed up her face.

"You only say His name in vain when something happened that's really pissed you off, so what is it?"

"I love how you just assume he did something off of that. You know what, yeah, I don't need you to be all up in my business-"

"I'm not! If he's done something bad, I'd want to know. I wouldn't want you to be with someone who pissed you off all the time."

"He doesn't piss me off, you do! How do you come back here and ask about him as if you never put him in the hospital?"

"I apologised for that, we're cool now, you know that."

"You're acting like it never happened."

"I'm acting like we're all past it, which we are. Why do you keep bringing it up?"

"I know you don't like him."

"Who said I didn't like him?!" I exclaimed.

"I just thought he might've done something wrong-"

"He hasn't!" She shouted back.

"Stop wishing evil on my relationship! Instead of worrying so much about my life, get your own. Mind your business. Just cos your lonely self doesn't have a man, it doesn't mean you have to criticise mine. Dry pussy arse bitch!" She spat.

"Woah! Rianne!" I was so shocked by her outburst. I didn't mean any harm. She threw open the door and stormed out.

"Anne!" I called after her. I was so confused. She always got so defensive and emotional when I brought up Kieran but she had never popped off on me like this before.

"It's okay, I'll talk to her." Tina got up and went after her.

I sighed. I hadn't been back for even 20 minutes and already my presence had caused havoc. I stepped out of the bedroom. I could hear Rianne's voice coming from the bathroom. The door was slightly open and I could see her standing by the shower with Tina.

"Like, how dare she? She just got back and all of a sudden she wants to start criticising people?" She was crying.

"I know, I know." Tina tried to comfort her.

"She doesn't know Kieran like I do. She can't make judgements when she hardly knows him."

"I know. She just cares about you and doesn't want to see you get hurt."

"Kieran won't hurt me. She should know that."

I knocked on the door.

"Rianne I didn't mean to make you cry." I said slowly.

"Well you did." She snapped.

"I'm sorry. I don't understand why you're getting so upset-" I shrugged. She rolled her eyes and let out an agitated scream. She pushed me out of the way and ran down the stairs.

I stood on the landing, watching as she put her converses on.

"Where are you going, Rianne?" Mum asked.

"Out."

"Out where?"

"I'm going to see Kieran." She took her jacket off the hook and left.

Tina gave me a hug.

"It's not your fault. She's just been super sensitive lately." She informed me. I nodded.

Tina and I went back to the bedroom where we talked for a little bit. When I say we I mainly mean Tina since she was doing most of the talking.

"Are you even listening to me?" She tapped me.

"Yeah, of course." I nodded. She tilted her head.

"I was. But I stopped. Sorry." I apologised. She hugged me again.

"She's going to be alright you know. She just needs some time to cool off." She reassured me. I agreed with her.

"Well I've got to get going. Mum wants me home before 6." I nodded.

"Yeah, I'll see you later. Tell her I said hi. And tell Tyrus I said 'congrats'. Don't forget to tell him."

I went down to the kitchen after she left. I warmed up my food and began to text Isaiah as it warmed. He gave me his skype name so we switched to that instead.

"I miss your beautiful face already." He smiled when he saw me.

"I miss you too Isaiah." I gave him a smile back. He frowned.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"How did you know something was wrong?"

"I just could. Tell me." He urged. I told him all about what just happened with Rianne.

"She said that to you?" He asked. I nodded.

"I'm saying this in the highest regard but your sister sounds like a total bitch."

"She is sometimes." I laughed.

"Ah so she's nothing like you then." He smirked.

"Yeah, I guess." I noticed my mum was walking Sally to the door but I wanted to talk to her.

"I'll call you back." I cut the call off before he could respond.

"Wait, Sally can I talk to you real quick please?" I asked, walking into the hallway. Sally and my mum shared a confused glance before she nodded.

I led her back to the living room and sat on the couch.

"Is there any way I can go back to the foster home?"

"Why are you asking me that?"

"I don't like it here. Not as much as there with Mrs Duboe. The atmosphere has changed. Everyone's walking on eggshells around me. They never did that in the foster home."

"That was always going to be temporary. Remember when I first met you and told you you were going to be away from home for two months? You hated the idea and now you want to tell me you want to go back to the foster place?"

"I don't think you understand, Sally. I don't want to be here." My eyes began to tear up.

"But you're home now." She looked taken aback with my request.

"I'm not. I don't feel settled in here." I wasn't lying. I don't know why entirely, but I felt uneasy now that I was back here.

"How can you not feel settled in? This is your home-"

"No! No it's not. This is a house. There with Mrs Duboe, Isaiah, Kacey, even with Charlie and Amber. That! That was my home." I spoke in an assertive tone.

"Riah." She sighed. She didn't know what to say.

"Just, make it happen yeah?" I stood up and wiped my face.

"I can't. There's no reason for you to go into foster care." She said gently. I kissed my teeth.

I noticed mum standing in the doorway, staring at me.

"Mum-" I started. She turned away and I could hear her run upstairs before her bedroom door slammed.

I squeezed my eyes shut. She must've heard the entire conversation.

I saw Sally out and continued to eat my dinner. I was watching TV when the front door opened and I heard my dad walk in. I knew it was him by the sound of his shoes. I rolled my eyes.

I didn't want to see him. I wasn't prepared for the awkwardness that would bestow itself upon us.

My mum trotted down the stairs.

"Hey baby." She greeted my dad.

"Hey." He threw his keys down in the dish by the door.

"Is she home yet?" I knew he was referring to me.

"In the living room, I think."

I held my breath as his footsteps grew closer. Then they stopped.

"I'm not ready for this, Michelle."

"Sorry what? What do you mean you're not ready?"

"She's not gonna want to see me."

"It's been two months, Michael. Now get in there and say hello to your daughter!" She commanded. He sighed. His footsteps entered the living room but I refused to look at him.

"Hey, Riah." He sounded enthusiastic, which I knew he was faking because of what he had said a few second prior. I paid him no mind.

He sat next to me.

"So what are you watching?" He looked at the TV. I ignored him.

"What, are you mute now?" He laughed.

"Michael." Mum didn't sound impressed.

"Sorry, bad joke." He apologised.

"Come on, Riah. It's been two months now. You can't ignore me forever." He continued. I scoffed and turned up the volume on the TV. I don't even know what I was watching.

"Well for what it's worth, I did miss you." He tried again.

"Come give your old man a hug!" He leaned in and I backed away putting my hand in front of me to stop him.

"No." How dare he? It was like he thought nothing had changed. He hadn't even apologised.

It was the first time I had seen him in two months. I don't know what it was but he looked different. I couldn't look in his eyes for more than two seconds and I found myself turning away from him.

"Don't be like that." He kissed his teeth. I slammed the remote on the table and stood up.

"Can we talk about this?" What on earth was there to talk about? I rolled my eyes at his request and walked out of there quickly as he repeatedly called my name.

"Riah, stop." Mum called. I sighed and faced her.

"What are you doing? Give him a chance." Her gentle tone didn't make any of what she said more sane.

"Are you mad? No way. How can you ask me to do that?" I looked at her like she was crazy.

"He's your father-"

"Who beat me to a pulp, mum! Yes, you may call him my father but in my eyes, he renounced the right to be mine the second he stopped acting like it. I hate him. He's not my dad anymore and I don't want to talk to him. He should have known this is what would happen to our relationship as soon as he began hitting me." I swallowed hard as a lump formed in my throat.

"Riah-"

"I'm not done, mum. Do you know what shit really irks me though?" I laughed and pointed my finger at her.

"It's that you knew, you always knew what he was doing. Not once, not once did you ever stop him or help me! That night, when I was calling for you, you heard me didn't you?" I didn't wait for her to answer.

"I know you heard me, I know you did. You never came to save me and you had the chance to do it. Why didn't you come? You knew he was hurting me and you allowed him to do it. How do you think that makes me feel, huh? It doesn't make me feel good, I'll tell you that." I laughed through my tears but it was pure anger.

"I don't understand, does your motherly instinct not work when it comes to me? I would have thought you'd want to protect me, being your child and all but I guess I was wrong. You'd rather protect him than your own child. Do you know what, when I get older I pray I make the right decisions with my kids. I pray I don't turn out a coward like you, or a heartless and selfish maniac like him."

"Ray, please."

"No, mum! I know he's your husband and all so you're always going to see the good in him but I'm not you so I'm not going to do that. Maybe it's time for you to be real and see him for what he truly is. An abusive, manipulative alcoholic who doesn't give a FUCK, about anyone but himself. So you know what I say to that, FUCK him. And fuck you too if you're gonna take his side." I wiped my eyes and left her standing there.

It felt good to shout at her. I didn't realise I was that hurt and angry about what he had done. I guess feelings make themselves present at certain times.

I didn't even release my emotions on her fully. When I got to my bedroom I completely broke down. It was so overwhelming, all of my emotions were rushing back to me at once as I finally processed and internalised everything that had happened to me.

It was like my family didn't respect me. My dad didn't respect me enough to not hit me nor did he respect me enough to apologise for his disconcerting behaviour. Mum didn't respect me enough to stop him or kick him out or put me first. She hadn't apologised either and had the mindset that her being nice to me would mean I would forgive her but she was wrong. Rianne struggled to say anything nice to me and this would just continue as you will later see.

I felt most respected when I was in the foster home. There I had people who cared about me and had my best wishes at heart. They truly cared about me.

I was upset before I was angry. I sat on the floor and just cried my eyes out. I felt alone in this house. Yes I had lived here for 16 years but when something like this happens, it never goes back to being a home. Especially with the vibes everyone was giving me. I had forgotten to close the bedroom door when I came in so it was inevitable that my parents could hear me crying because I was so loud. Still they never came to me and when I realised that, my blood began to boil.

I cried more the angrier I got and then I just lost the plot. I screamed, infuriated. I screamed until I was lightheaded and my throat started to cramp up. Anyone would have thought that I was dying from that scream but my parents ignored me completely which just fuelled my anger and sadness. I stood up and began to tear up the room. I was throwing things, kicking things, breaking things. I wasn't thinking rationally at all and I just took my anger out on the room. I yelled wildly as I did so. Taking apart stuff and breaking them. Sweeping things off the desk and punching the wall. I stopped as I caught myself in the mirror. I looked a hot mess. I had cried so much because of everything. I felt like I had failed myself. I was unable to protect myself when it came to dad and Charlie. I dug my nails into my hands as they balled into fists at the sight of myself. I grunted and screamed again, picking up my metal piggy bank and dashing it furiously at the mirror. I watched it shatter and breathed deeply.

I had never felt so angry or hurt in my life. Not even when Charlie was abusing me. The fact that they were my parents and seemingly didn't care about me as much as themselves or Rianne broke my heart in all honesty.

My parents didn't say anything when they finally came up to my room. Mum just started cleaning up the mess I had made and I could feel my father staring at me. He stood next to me.

"Riah-" I didn't let him finish his sentence. I slapped him with as much force as I could muster in that moment. After that I just continued hitting him and he let me. He just stood there as I miserably punched and slapped his chest. He tried to bring me into a hug but I slapped his arms away.

"No." I told him again. I grabbed my trainers, phone, oyster card and hoodie and walked out of the room.

As I was coming out Rianne was coming in.

"What happened to you?" She asked in a sour tone. I walked right past her.

"What happened to the room?" She screeched. I wiped my face and put on my trainers when I got downstairs and left the house.

I decided to go for a walk to calm me down. I put the hood on my head and stuffed my hands in my pockets. I didn't know where I was walking exactly, I just kept on walking. I ended up sitting in some park somewhere, just thinking.

I actually sat there for ages. I was watching everyone else and what they were doing. I didn't realise how dark it had gotten until I looked up at the sky and saw the stars shining. I looked at the time on my phone and kissed my teeth. It was 23:47. I'd been there for hours.

I didn't have any missed calls or texts which made me frown but I decided I should start making my way back home because it was late and dark.

I proceeded to make my way back but I realised I had no idea where I was. Great. Everything looked different at night. No where looked familiar to me and I couldn't remember which direction I had come in. I chose a direction randomly and began walking. After walking mindlessly for about 10 minutes, I noticed this black car driving slowly beside me. I didn't look at the car fully because I didn't want the driver to notice I had noticed them. I quickened my pace slightly and turned the next corner to see if I was being paranoid or not. Sure enough, the car turned the corner too. My heart started beating faster and I realised I needed to dodge this driver. I stopped, pulled out my phone and pretended to read something on the screen. I turned around and walked back in the direction I came from. I gasped as the car began reversing down the road. I began to jog down a new road and the car was still following me. I broke out into a sprint and ran until I reached a house with the lights on. I ran up the steps to the front door and looked at the car again before I knocked. I looked again and my eyes bulged out of my head.

It was my dad. It was his car and I saw it was him driving as he had rolled down the window.

"Get in." He called. I let out a huge breath. Why did he do that? He literally scared me so bad.

I got in cautiously. I refused to look at him although all I could feel was him staring at me.

"I haven't been drinking." he broke the silence.

"I haven't had a sip since you left actually." He told me. Was that meant to make me feel better?

"Look, Riah, I know you may not want to be around me or be back in the house because of what happened but I assure you I'm not like that anymore. I've changed." Like hell he has. I rolled my eyes.

"What? What do you want me to say?" He asked. He knew damn well what I wanted. All I wanted was for him to say he was sorry. To say he would never do that again. But I knew he was too proud to ever apologise, it just wasn't him.

We got back to the house about 20 minutes later and I went straight to the bedroom. Mum was waiting by the stairs for us and I knew she wanted to have a go but she decided not to. I didn't acknowledge her nor did I acknowledge Rianne when I made it to the bedroom. 

I didn't have the energy to communicate with anyone and I didn't really want to. I started missing Isaiah more at that point. If I was ever feeling low or upset all he had to do was hug me and whisper sweet encouraging words in my ear. I would be fine after that but I didn't have him here. And that was really painful for me. I cried myself to sleep that night. I cried so hard. 

You guys, oh my days!!! Mate, I'm so sorry I haven't updated in like two months. I'm in uni now (yaay) so getting things prepared for uni took up quite a bit of my time. Now that I'm here, I honestly don't know when I'm going to be able to update, the amount of independent study I'm gonna have to do in order to obtain this degree boyyy its mental. But anyway, I hope you lot are all well,I miss writing and I know this chapter really is quite crap (sorry) but it's been a while lol. I hope I'll be able to find some time to write while I'm here, it's something that relaxes me and I know I'm going to need to be getting all the relaxation I can get hehe so maybe you will catch me updating a bit more frequently then every two months (but don't hold me to that, I ALWAYS say I'll update faster and then things happen and I don't).

Honestly I love you guys and I thank you sooooooooo much for reading, voting and commenting. Stay safe and stay beautiful loves!

Love Samantha

Xxx