WHY DOES HE ALWAYS LOOK SAD? I don't understand. His presence is such a comfort, but he doesn't look at someone for a long time. His head is always bowed. For respect, he says. Tradition, he says. But I guess he simply doesn't want anyone to question why he looks like that. Because no matter how hard he tries, he can't smile fully.

I don't understand why...

Or maybe, I just don't dare to understand. There's this fear that has been slithering around my neck, grasping me tightly. What if I'm the reason?

* * * * *

Mum called me last night after I sent her a message. My message had hints of accusation and bursting anger. I didn't want to speak with her, but I also didn't want to push her away again. Reluctantly, I listened to her explanation that, to be honest, is beginning to sound like an excuse to me.

She said she wanted me to emotionally heal because she knew the trauma from my childhood still affects me. I wouldn't recover in the same Zone where I'd almost lost myself. Funny how she didn't explicitly say any of these. They were all implied.

In a way, she was right. It didn't matter how many times we had moved from town to town. As long as I was in the same Zone, my psyche would've never improved.

As for enrolling me to the Yamato International School, she swore she'd only chosen it because English is the dominant language used here. She wanted me to experience new life slowly. I hated how she sounded reasonable. Deep inside, I know she was lying. I also know I won't get the answer if I confront her. Mum has always been tight-lipped. She appears sweet and clueless most of the time—that's how she gains friends because they think she needs help despite her age—but we both know she's stronger than her facade.

Another thing I despise is how I'm aware that one big reason for her resiliency is me. I should be proud, you say. But she became like this when I began destroying myself.

'Here, you should eat. Eien will kill me if I let you go hungry.' Declan pushes a plate of baked salmon drizzled with creamy garlic sauce. I almost forgot he's in the dorm's kitchen with me. My mind can't focus, it goes everywhere. It keeps replaying the moment I'd almost killed Fumihiro. I want him gone, was what I'd told myself. That wasn't me. No, it was me. I'm scared. I'm scared of how I can easily be trapped by my emotion and repeat the most despicable sin I'd ever had committed.

When I had got back to my room, I collapsed to my knees and prayed and asked Jesus and His Father to forgive me. Deep inside, I'm still a Christian who's afraid to fall to Hell. Two years ago, I didn't care. I told myself if God loved me, he'd understand and spare me. Besides, Jesus died for our sins, didn't he? But fear can do wonder. It reminds you of how you're just a human being with a tarnished soul.

'Thank you,' I mumble. I have to force my muscles to move as I slice the salmon with a knife. Declan is still a Zone 2 citizen by heart despite living and studying here in Zone 1. He's not used to cooking Zone 1 delicacies, and he hates wasting ingredients. So rather than letting himself make a mistake in the kitchen, he whips up what he knows best. Besides, we can both see he's not in the mood. I had to badger Declan several times before he finally confessed that Eien had pleaded with him to visit me and see if I was doing OK.

Declan sits across from me, looking down at his portion. I'm not used to this Declan. He's not necessarily loud like me, but he's also not as quiet as he is now. It's been one night, one day, and yet it feels like it had been forever, the seconds stretching by; the minutes unforgiving and won't let me close my eyes.

'What did you do when you got home?' I wince. How weird it is to hear someone referring to this place as my "home". My perspective about it has changed overnight. I tell him I tried to sleep but failed. Which is true. I don't want to share the praying part. That's between me and God and His Son.

'Eien will be OK. He's strong. This wasn't the first time he got injured like that.'

'What?' The question comes out so suddenly and forcefully that even I surprise myself. Declan's eyes grow big like it's dawned on him that he shouldn't have said that. 'What happened to him?'

I see the conflict in his eyes. He wants to divert the subject. And I don't even know if I'll let him or ambush him until he chooses to be honest with me. 'Well, he grew up poor, so just imagine the hardships he's had gone through. Plus, because of his height, there had been kids who you know, bullied him. And it wasn't just kids. It was the adults too. They'd thought it was all right to do that because he never told on anyone. I had to protect him.'

'Then you left,' I say with a tinge of vehemence. I don't mean to, but I can't help it.

Declan ignores this and continues, 'Our house back in Phoenix was in danger to be demolished. Ma and Pa couldn't let it just pass. Pa inherited it from Grandmom, so we all had to go back. I didn't want to, you know, but what could I do? If I'd had a choice, I wouldn't be there.'

'Why?' I can't relate. Even though my nightmare was born in Zone 3, at least no one hated me there—besides my father, of course.

He shrugs, taking a bite of his salmon. 'Our own people hated us. Well, some of them. They'd said Pa and Ma shouldn't have protested; said if they'd had let Phoenix and Arizona's name be changed, we wouldn't be one of the poorest states. It's just a name, they said. What could possibly bad happen, they said.'

But they were right. I shut myself up by drinking water. 'I didn't know that it was...that bad.'

'Yeah. My 'rents would rather have died back then. They'd fought for their freedom.'

'Oh. I don't mean to deny that and all but Arizona has a racist history, right?'

He nods, poking his salmon. 'Every state has a racist history, Jax. That's how America, or rather, the U.S.A was founded. But what my 'rents and my people fought for was the true freedom they'd had before the war had developed into something they didn't expect. You see, before that, they'd had brought down the eight confederate memorials, had replaced them with the victims of slavery. Then, my people were getting the respect and equality that was due. Just when everything was going good, well, you know what happened.'

The war ensued. The Great Barricade was born. All because Declan's people  had asked for safety and fair treatment. Then the Mexicans. Then the Asians. Until it was everyone else. Until the cure came, created by Dr Michael Pateil.

Or at least that's what our History had told us. Zone 1 tells almost the same. They blame both the "colonisers" for being greedy and the "colonised" for not staying in their own countries. They say, had they had remained outside Japan, Japan wouldn't have lost countless lives.

I don't know which is which anymore, and honestly, I don't care that much. Of course, I wouldn't tell this to Declan, I wouldn't want him to think that I agree with what I was taught and still being told.

Sometimes, I wonder what he's thinking every time someone accuses him of being a rebel just because he came from Phoenix. He mostly just rolls his eyes and ignores them all. Thankfully, this doesn't happen a lot since people really do like him. He has this charisma that pulls you in, even though he doesn't initiate the conversation.

Above all, his presence is comforting, like a solid wall. Maybe that's what Eien always feels whenever he's with Declan. Maybe that's why Eien's eyes always sparkle with admiration and respect. Yes, he does it subtly, but I'm not that blind.

* * * * *

It's still the weekend, so I've got time to visit the kid. Declan isn't with me as he'd already dropped by, said he didn't want to stress Eien. I should be doing the same. Knowing Eien, he'll be more worried that there are people who are worried about him. But I have to see him. I have to make sure he's doing OK without anyone watching us. He is more open and affectionate when he's alone with one person.

Yamato's private hospital isn't that far from the school, so I decided to walk, taking my time as I kept my emotions intact. I must have disappointed the kid. He musta thought that I was a danger to everyone.

Now that I'm in the waiting room, expecting the nurse to give me a go, I ponder whether I should see Fumihiro too. A part of me is justifying what I did, but the guilt is too much to bear. There's a big chance I wouldn't have the guts to see what kind of damage I've left on him.

It's his fault, his fault, his fault...I tell myself over and over like a mantra. Only that the 'his' is not Fumihiro but Kaito. None of this would've happened if he didn't force us. I am sat here, torturing myself over another man's doing. Stupid, stupid me...

Whilst I was praying last night, a wicked thought slithered its way through my brain. It said I should kill Kaito to prevent him from manipulating me again. It was terrifying how I easily came up with that idea, so I prayed harder, asking for it to go away. I refuse to bring Hell upon Earth.

'Mister Evans?' A nurse in all white calls me. She wears a kind but tired smile. It's so strange to hear someone other than Eien calling me "Mister Evans".

'That's me,' I say, standing up. She tells me the kid is ready to see me now. As I give her my thanks, as I trudge towards Eien's room, scenarios after scenarios play in my head. This time, I don't try to stop them. Let them do whatever they want to do with me. I'm about to meet the only person whom I can trust; the only person who doesn't see me as a fragile human being.