Dear Ciaran,

You remember about Ellen? The college freshman who used to interrupt our dates so that she could get her exercises solved from us? Those times have sure left us. She's so grown up and mature now. As you can guess, she came to meet me today. She's getting married soon. Can you believe that it's the same person who was always following us around for books and stuff?

So, she's getting married and she was telling me how she proposed her soon to be husband. By writing a letter... A love letter, to be precise.

I heard her saying that sending a love letter to boyfriend is a beautiful way of expressing emotions that cannot be otherwise expressed in person. The letter combines our feelings and the warm words from our heart. At times, there might be certain things that one cannot tell their beloved when he is in front. Instead, a letter is the best way to convey such unspoken feelings. Her exact words were, "Seems like everything is fast-paced today, doesn't it? Using instant messaging apps and email is convenient and fast. But love letters to whom you love, can be so much more. I know that me writing a real love letter might seem old-fashioned, but it's a wonderful way to cement a relationship with him, who's so dear to my heart."

She says it's exciting to wait for responses too. I wish I could feel the same... Almost every single communication we made is not 'talks'. I sign, you read. I write, you reply. I...

Looking at her made me realize something. We, as in I and you, can never be normal now... Can we? I guess not. I'll always be the one blocking your path from true happiness. You know I don't want that.

When I was a child, I used to listen some people say, "Sometimes I think it's good. In this world full of noises, I wish I was mute." Whenever I heard this, I would agree. Wish I knew how it really felt at that time. To be mute, that is...

I was a normal person before. Wish I remained the same. You were a normal person before. But, after meeting me, I brought chaos in your life. And, not in the positive way.

I remember the day when I was told I couldn't speak anymore. I was devastated. There were moments when I was angry. Because there wasn't an instant way out for the anger. I would start counting backwards. Left all my work in the middle. Laid down. Relaxed. It consumed a lot of time, since there was not any way around it. And every time I had to remind myself, I can't speak. Which was the most painful part...

I was able to talk for the first 19 years of my life (currently 28) which makes it even more frustrating sometimes. It's frustrating beyond belief, especially when I want to yell. I want to yell so loudly. Curse everyone why they made me like this... But, I can't. I'll never be able to.

I still remember the day when you proposed. It was so magical... I feel myself slipping into the euphoria of those times. But, will this be right? I think I'm being selfish by doing this. I am bad. I may be helpless. I may be a fool. I may be a coward. But, I don't want to be selfish...

So, please end this engagement and our marriage along with it...

I was so lost and lonely in this world, and then, I found you. Holding my hand, you walked me into a world that is full of happiness and smiles, love and care, cuddles, and warmth. I have not only found true love in you, but I have found the reason for my mere existence. I love you. You know I do...

But this? I don't think I can continue ruining your life. Before the love of my life, you are my dearest friend with whom I have never kept any secrets. You know me the way I am, and I know the real you, and that's what makes our bond of love so special. Even if things won't be the same after this, can I please continue to keep my feelings for you? I'm really sorry if I'm hurting you, but, it's for your own good.

May you live a long and happy life. I believe you'll do well in future. Please don't visit and meet me. It's already hard. If you'll come back to me, I may sway away... I won't be able to leave you then... So, please. For you, and, for me.

With regards,
Constance.

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Dear Constance,

I always knew I was going to have it rough when I started dating you back in the high school. You were so lonely. The corner girl of our class. But, this?

I always thought I knew who the woman of my dreams was, until I met you. Any thoughts I could have of the perfect person went out the window when you came into my life. You have exceeded all of my expectations. Even with your flaws you are perfect because you are the perfect person for me. I could not have dreamed up a better person. Being with you is like being in a dream that I never want to wake up from. All the lovely moments that I spend with you, gives me so much happiness, there is a glint in my eyes. There is some kind of allure in you. My only wish is to stay in your arms forever and think about the wonderful lovely life ahead. Please let me be selfish here too...

You know I always wanted to write to you. Back in the school too. But, the handwriting was itself unreadable. My friends laughed at me for months. They still can't believe you accepted ME, as YOUR boyfriend and, as a husband. Whenever you write something for me, I feel amazed at how effortlessly you do it. I did realize it was tough for you... But, I'm selfish too. For your words. For your memories. I'm sorry. I really am. But, I can't imagine my life without you. So, I won't be canceling this...

You say I brightened your life? No. You came into my life, and everything changed for good. I am a much happier person now because you are the reason behind my joy. Knowing that you love me, I have started to love myself and take good care of myself because I know how important I am to you. Whenever you look at me, I feel I am so special. Whenever you look at me, my heart skips a beat. Whenever you hug me, I feel I am at the most secure place. You are the one who rules my heart and my life. And I can't imagine anyone else here. Both in my heart, and, my life.

Love is a journey. How about we take some time out. Go places. Explore things. And, plan on trials and triumphs along the way? How about documenting every milestone in our relationship in a letter? A letter, which both of us will write. Together. I can't imagine doing it alone or with anyone else.

Though, I can't see you right now, I can picture how you are. I see your eyes and how they'll shed tears after reading this far, I see the way you would smile and how you look right before you go searching for another paper to write. I want to be next to you right now. But, you don't want me to be there. Can't we start things again? I don't want you to hold anything back from now on. I hope that you know that I will always be there for you. I can feel you close to me even though you're far away. Please believe me when I say I love you. Before I met you, I didn't believe it was possible to love someone so deeply and completely, but you have given me faith that true love really does exist because I share it with you.

We have been together for such a long time because we make sense together. We bring out the best in each other. After all of these years, we are still as happy as we were in the beginning. In fact, I might even be happier. I think that's something we should be proud about. I think that's something to cherish... Please... I know you love me. I know you know I love you. There's love, trust, understanding and respect in our relationship. We can work on other things... Please...

Ciaran.

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Dear Ciaran,

You had to do it! When I told you not to come and meet me, it was supposed to be over between us. But, no...

A love letter? That too, now?

I'm not an emotional person so I won't really write to you about depths of my love. But, yes I just want to let you know that you hold a special place in my life. You have always been there like an anchor; you support me when I am low. You accept me the way I am and that is like the best part about you. Love means accepting the way a person is, you never really changed me and you are okay with me as I am. You are the sweetest boyfriend in this whole world. I could never ask for more.

Just thinking of you makes me write this. I know I will never love anyone like I love you. Even I want to spend time only with you... But, I don't want to hamper your life.

Sometimes I ask myself, what have I done to have this man in my life? Was I a saint in my past life? What did I do to deserve someone like you? You're kind, you're funny, you're passionate, you're beautiful inside and out. Women dream of being with a man like you and I have this man as my partner. Sometimes we fight, sometimes we take each other for granted but I will tell you one thing, I appreciate everything you do for me. I love you and can't wait to continue this journey with you by my side.

You're right though. I'm being extra selfish here. I'm sorry. Really sorry for that... Please meet me. Hold me. Say, everything will be okay. In present and, in future...

P.S I want to go for counseling. Reading your letter encouraged me to do this. Can you be there?

With R̶e̶g̶a̶r̶d̶s̶ Love,
Constance.

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Dear Constance,

First things first. I asked my friend about therapy. He thinks the thoughts arising in your mind could be due to insecurities related to the... accident. He assured me that everything will be okay. We just need to address things slowly and at our own pace. His exact words were, "Therapy is not a magic trick. But it can sometimes help you to think about things from a different angle. You have to be willing to do so, though. Addressing insecurities in therapy may help people feel more confident in who they are and the choices they make. Whether you are struggling with feelings of insecurity related to a life circumstance or mental health condition, the right therapist can help you develop skills to deal with insecurity."

He also suggested us to take couple counseling so that, same things won't appear again and again. We need to learn so many things. I didn't know there was so much to explore even after all these years. I was terribly wrong, though. We need to work on ourselves more. Both individually and together. Till then, I've decided to listen to you. We've talked about it with your parents too. We'll be postponing wedding until you're... No, we're ready. I believe everything will be okay. As long as we are together. As long as, we've everyone around us. To support and encourage us...

P. S. I'm coming with you to your first counseling. Let me know if it's okay for you. Going to couple counseling, I mean.

P. S. 2. I've decided to communicate via sign language and letters more. Besides, it's no use learning it if I don't use it frequently. You remember documenting our journey?

P. S. 3. Being apart from you is more difficult than I ever imagined. I see reminders of you everywhere I look, and they make me ache to be near you again. So, can you reconsider the staying away from you?

P. S. 4. If you are wondering how much I love you, wonder no more. You are the sun in my sky, the river that runs through my soul, and the very air I breathe. Oh my gosh! I cringed so hard at this line. It's completely suggested by my friend. You know I'm not that creative know?

Till then. Please take care of yourself and people around you.

With regards and of course, love,
Ciaran
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