Third person pov

What the fuck?

Hidan is a pretty smart guy. Or... okay, overstatement. Let's just say he's not a complete and total moron like Sasuke. Even so, he has no idea where the actual fuck he is right now. All he knows is that he's alone and admittedly scared absolutely shitless. Call him shitless all you want, but last time he woke up in a tent, Sasori and Kakuzu had set it on fire and left him to cook. So pardon him for being a little weary upon waking up in one he has no recollection of getting in. It smells and looks new, too. Like, straight out of the packaging sort of a deal. It was.... right, honestly. When was the last time he'd seen a tent without some sort of hole in it?

The universe is against him, Hidan is sure. He's dressed in semi-familiar clothing. It's something he definitely would've worn before the world ended, but you know. That was before. This was now, and last he checked, he was supposed to be wearing really comfortable sweat pants and an oddly flamboyant shirt that Orochimaru had forced him into against his will. Which was extremely creepy, but that's sort of Orochimaru's whole shtick whether he's willing to accept it or not.

So basically he's alone, scared, and has so far spent around five consecutive minutes huddled up in the middle of the tent taking very deep breaths to see if he could pick up the smell of any smoke. He didn't hear talking at all, which heavily implied that he'd been abandoned like a stray dog. Which like, wouldn't be super surprising. They'd tried to do it to Sasori once after he'd gone rabid one too many times but he'd managed to find them pretty fast and had body slammed Naruto into a lake, almost drowning him. Kisame was the only reason the blonde idiot was still alive.

Hidan eventually managed to peek outside, but we're not going to talk about how long it took him to do so. He was immediately filled with an immense amount of horror. What the fuck sort of pocket dimension had he just woken up in? Everything was green. Like. There were plants, and trees. Trees that weren't all burn and sad and tortured and shit. When was the last time he'd seen foliage this thick? Holy shit... had he died? Was he dead right now? He knew those assholes would kill him off eventually! His immortality really must've worn off. Damn.

"Fuck." He muttered to himself, carefully climbing out of his humble abode. He glanced around. Really, what the fuck was this? He vaguely recalled those idiots he'd been following around mentioning something about time travel. Had that actually happened? Because that dumbass fox made tons of cruel jokes about shit like that literally all the time for comedic value and general entertainment. But... well, here he was, standing next to a really nice tent that was, in fact, not on fire. Again, super fucking weird. He was half expecting one of those idiots to hurtle from the trees like a feral spider monkey and fuck his shit.

"...If this is the past, I need to go make some sacrifices." Hidan realized grimly. If he didn't get him immortality back, one of those absolute shit sticks was going to be the death of him for sure this time. "And look for those losers. I guess." 

Hidan cracked his back, not bothering to try grabbing the tent or anything in it, because fuck that. It's definitely not because he's too afraid it'll catch on fire if he dares go back in. Not at all. The only thing he decides to take with him is his beloved scythe, whom he desperately wishes were sentient just so he'd have someone to talk to. Rest of the shit didn't matter. He's ready to re-embrace his cultist ways and become impervious to potentially stupid deaths brought on by his post apocalyptic crew of idiots. He could be immortal again, get decapitated, cut himself in half with a pipe wrench, drown in a vat of ranch-- the possibilities were truly endless. 

He just had to do this. Then, he could start hunting for the rest of his crew.

~~~~~~~~~

"So we're in the past?" Sasuke muttered as he weakly struggled against Naruto, absolutely glowering at the blonde. This accursed limb needed to come off, and it needed to come off now. He'd be damned if he kept it longer than he had to. Naruto was just getting in the way like a fucking idiot. It was just an arm! He literally didn't even need the thing. Cutting it off couldn't even be called a loss, really. What was one limb? Naruto didn't appear to see the point in his reasoning, but Naruto also has two braincells to his name total, so that isn't that surprising.

"Yeah. I just, literally, ran into Itachi. And your mom is really nice by the way. The rest of your clan... yeah, they tried to kill me with rakes and brooms and stuff, but I guess they're cool too. It wasn't fun though; believe it." Naruto shook his head, frowning to himself as he flashed back to the moments leading up to now. He'd be having nightmares about it for weeks, he was sure. Was the woman who'd chased him even human?

"Right..." Sasuke was giving him a judgement look, as though he weren't trying to chop his own arm off right now. Like, seriously? How is Naruto the crazy one in this scenario?

"Whatever. We need a plan of action. Actually, why aren't you freaking out? Your brother is alive, and so is your whole family! Shouldn't you be happy or something?" Naruto scratched the back of his neck. Sasuke scowled at him sourly. Wow, so incredibly rude. Naruto asks one valid question and suddenly he's the bad guy here? Whatever. Maybe he should let Sasuke rip his own arm off. Let him deal with the fallout. 

"They've been gone a long time. Of course I'm glad they're alive. I'd like to keep them that way." Sasuke retorted moodily in that know-it-all tone of voice that made Naruto sorta want to decapitated him. "And I'd be a whole lot happier if you'd just let me cut off this useless fucking noodle of a limb already-"

"Literally no."

"Meatbag, someone's coming. I think it's the other meatbag's mother." Kurama warned, which was incredibly uncharacteristic of him if you know anything about Kurama. Naruto couldn't help but blink a little in his surprise. No, really. Since when was Kurama useful? Like, ever? "Woah, okay. I'm literally right here."

Naruto rolled his eyes at the fox, which only seemed to offend him more. Tough life. Naruto was doing what he did best, and that was... he wasn't sure, but he was definitely doing it. And that's what really matters here. They need to regroup, make a plan, and fix everything. How hard could that possible be?

"I think your mom is coming." Naruto whispered, because he's nice. Sasuke seemed to panic slightly at the revelation. They couldn't blow their cover, lest they get booted into T&I to never return. They were suspicious enough with Naruto popping up here out of nowhere. They hadn't known each other this early. In fact, they'd barely even seen each other from what Sasuke could remember. Which wasn't much, admittedly. Can you blame him for his childhood being a blur? Trauma, people, trauma! Complaints can be sent to 1 800-I-don't-give-a-shit. 

"Act natural." Sasuke hissed, diving off of his bad and for the toys haphazardly scattered across his bedroom floor. Naruto, in a panic, scrambled after his friend. They were going to get completely murdered. They would assume Kurama had taken over his body and sentence him to death. Holy shit. Sasuke's mom was going to totally gut him with a butter knife! This wasn't okay. Naruto has never been this scared before in his entire life. Something about mothers man. Maybe it's because Granny Tsunade was the first adult female figure in his life and all she did was punch him and tell him how dumb he was.

"Hello, boys. Can I get you two anything?" Mikoto asked as she slid open the door, a smile on her face.

"Moo?" Naruto was as natural as they came.

Sasuke resisted the urge the facepalm with his right arm, since he'd never be using the left again. It was coming off; mark his words. Until then it would be limp. He'd use it for nothing, and then Naruto would see the light. He didn't need this useless goddamn extension. This leech. It was disgusting. Why did he still have it again? Never mind that. Sasuke is a generally patient guy. He can wait. He will bide his time until Naruto least suspects it and then the limb will be gone and he will be free from the chains that bind him.

"No, we're alright." Sasuke chirped at his mother with a blinding smile that he (somehow) managed to conjure up from the very, very, very, very deep depths of whatever was left of his soul. Which wasn't much. You see, Naruto's overall stupidity had been slowly sucking it away bit by bit and Sasuke can do nothing to stop it.

"Gack!" Naruto fell back, hands flying up to cover his eyes. "My eyes! What is that?!"

"Shut up--"

~~~~~~~~~~

"Where are you four going?"

Sasori let out a shrill scream as Pein seemed to appear out of, well, nowhere to be quite plain. Orochimaru, Kakuzu and Kisame all froze in surprise, but Sasori's screams continued very shrilly. Pein stared at him with a dry look, waiting for the usually-stoic puppet master to stop with his shrieking. Kisame didn't see that happening too soon. The man had quite the set of pipes considering he was made out of wood. How did that even work anyway? Like, the whole noise thing? Was it mechanical? Did he want to know? 

"We have some business to attend to; that's all." Orochimaru noted after a solid minute or so, slapping the back of the puppet's head to shut him up and forcing a smile that was a little too wide on his face. His tone was monumentally creepy, his tongue flicking out and licking across his lips for added effect. His companions immediately leaned away from him. 

"Ew!" Kisame shrieked in horror, bodily moving Sasori so that the redhead was between him and the snake sannin. Kisame's entire face was twisted with total disgust, and Orochimaru was not amused. "That was so nasty!"

"Never do that again or I'm going to sue you until you have nothing left but the clothes on your back." Kakuzu hissed, looking particularly angry. "You've harmed my mental state. How will I sleep?"

Pein glanced between them all without inflection, which was quite possibly creepier than Orochimaru's smile. Not creeper than the tongue thing, though. Absolutely nothing on the goddamn planet could be worse than that, and this was a hill Kisame was willing to die on. He was sure the others would back him. Barring Sasori, who's dissociated half the time anyway.

Orochimaru stared at them with a blank look. Sasori looked like maybe he was trying not to laugh, but it was hard to tell because he was covering his face with his hands. Pein wasn't sure what was happening, but quite frankly, he was actually a tad worried. Sasori had screamed. Screamed, yes, and Kakuzu and Kisame actually had the nerve to call someone else creepy. Had they looked in the mirror as of late? Orochimaru was painstakingly normal--if not a little pale-- next to them. Frankenstein on heroin and someone's shark-sona. 

"What business could possibly require all four of you?" Pein raised a brow.

"Um, business that requires four people?" Kisame tried with a shrug. Kakuzu and Orochimaru both shared a grimace. This was it. Pein was going to end them, and they'd never see Naruto, Bitch-suke or that douche bag Hidan again. This was the end. They hadn't even planned their funerals yet! Orochimaru wanted to be thrown into a volcano, and nobody but Kisame and Sasori knew. But they were going to die too, so there was the running issue! Maybe he'd be able to write a message out in his own blood before he went?

"Very well." Pein said simply, turning and beginning to walk away. Orochimaru blinked.

Well... that was easy.