A/N : I know readers, this is not your comfortable MaNan territory, but you wanted a strong Nandini, right? The reason this is one of my absolute favorite works, is because of the strong female lead. She is unbreakable,  brave an absolute beaut. 

Hope you break into this story gradually & appreciate the brave Nandini Murthy you always wanted to see!

Happy Reading :)

***

Nandini:

"While you lick your finger clean after devouring my heart, I will be drying my tears with the broken promises you left behind. And I promise you, come morning; you'll be the one-left hungry and wanting more." ~ Voice of the Ocean, Nandini.

A line written by me in the distant past came back to my mind. Unlike my other books, this wasn't a bestseller, yet there was a lot of truth hidden in my protagonist Amanda's heart, the kind of truth that reeks prowess of a woman's heart, her mighty soul that bends before no-one, that knows how to fight back and win happiness despite all odds - maybe that's why it wasn't a bestseller, seeing a woman in power, with the upper hand in the relationship, isn't usual, men don't like it, women don't relate to it, maybe that's why my first novel sank.

I remembered those lines, how ruefully true it was going to be in my life from then on. I was holding my two days old Armaan and breastfeeding him in the nursing home. Aryaman had visited us and gone. He needed to rush home, after all Aliya was alone at home, someone needed to check on her. Aliya had come over to stay with us during my last month, to take care of me. Mumma was apparently unwell and wasn't fit to travel, so Aliya had come instead.

I sighed seeing my baby suckling me for nourishment, what was the point of this life, I wondered. My life was following a track of its own will, with a pace of its own convenience, I felt like I was just floating along with what was preordained - only I didn't like it much. Aryaman's stare were haunting me for long, I saw his will to be a loyal husband crumpling every day, and there was nothing I could do about it. But holding Armaan that day and seeing him dependent on me, something in me changed, I guess what changed, was my priority - Aryaman didn't matter, his faltering feelings didn't matter, my wounded heart, "her'' deceptive eyes, nothing mattered - what mattered was Armaan, what he needed and how I could get him those - to begin with, he needed family, and I was going to ensure that he had one - whether Aryaman and I wanted it anymore or not. Hence I kept quiet, and pretended that Aryaman never had an affair outside marriage at all.

Over the years, things changed. Aryaman mended his ways - he must have secretly congratulated himself for carrying on an entire affair without me having a hint - wishful thinking of his. But eventually Armaan brought him back to family, and I could see his guilt making him put in effort to bond with us better. But now, after so long, I had gone so far into making compromises, that there was no return from there. For me, Aryaman was Armaan's need, not mine.

The years had taught me a lot, I have been there, I have been in love, I have given Aryaman my heart and much more than that too, I gave up myself for him, and he grabbed everything I offered, and one fine day, I realized I was wasted - it's been ten years since Armaan's birth, and I still see him, trying to collect the pieces that were silently broken between us - but you can only rejoin broken pieces, not shards.

Today as I saw Manik's car disappear around the corner of the road, a fleeting thought came to me, as I shut the door of my mansion and turned back inside and looked carefully - my well maintained posh living room with completely handcrafted Italian decor, the massive crystal chandelier, the polished wood flooring, the elaborate electric fireplace before which my Armaan stubbornly sits waiting every Christmas for Santa to arrive, until he falls asleep and Aryaman lovingly puts him back to bed. I smiled and walked further down the room and reached the corridor connecting the living room to the kitchen and the dining area, the walls here had a lot of photo frames, Aryaman and I handpicked these photos for framing - lots of smiling faces greeted me. There I was with Armaan, both trying to lick from the black currant ice-cream I was holding, he had some on his nose too, from another frame Aryaman and Armaan waved at me, while riding a giant Ferris wheel. In another one, Mumma and Aliya smiled at me hugging each other, from the next one, my Appa and my 'real' Amma smiled at me, from the corner frame Aryaman and Aliya laughed at me holding a bottle of wine, then there was another one with Aliya making faces at me. From the other corner, from a frame, Soha, Aryaman's sister, smiled at me happily from behind her father, my deceased father-in-law. There was also a photo of me, Navya, Cabir, Aryaman and Manik from Navya's wedding - I stared at Manik. Yes, I was right when I told him off, I thought to myself - this indeed was stability - this mansion, these relations, these memories, they all mattered and they all made my life - I couldn't give up on them for these ten days I spent with him - I justified myself. Maybe it was time to remove that frame holding Manik's photo from the wall, I couldn't look at that picture with a clear conscience anymore - especially into Navya's eyes; they mocked me.

I strolled to the kitchen to bake blueberry muffins - this time the next day, Armaan was due from hostel, and his weekend special demand was blueberry muffins. It's been two years now that Armaan has been moved to the hostel, I sometimes feel like a hard hearted monster to have sent him away from me at such a tender age - but I can vouch to even God for this, my motive wasn't selfish - I wanted Armaan away because, I could feel that he was learning to read through the void between his parents, it wasn't a good sign, I wanted to avoid his questions - okay that one is a bit selfish to be honest, but I truly wanted him away from understanding this mess, I wanted to give him a chance to have a normal life - it's been two years and he has adjusted well enough - just like I had adjusted in my childhood, to having a new 'mumma' who apparently loved me as much as my real 'Amma'. I set the muffins to bake and put the oven on a timer and turned to leave the kitchen as my eyes fell on the wall clock - Manik would reach Aliya in another forty minutes.

The further he is going from me, the more deeply my realization is setting in. We were actually together for ten days, without giving two hoots to the social dimension. It was frivolous and reckless, we held no emotions for each other barring lust, yet it was so fulfilling, it was the closest I have ever felt to happiness in ages - it was indeed sinful pleasure. But who decides what sin is and what is not? Who decides the boundaries of right and wrong? How do we know that right is right and wrong is wrong, who decides it? Is there a right or wrong? Is there a border? Or is it just perception? I found myself asking these questions - time and again, I have written books where my protagonists have gone through moral crises and have eventually held on to the right path and sustained, but today in an encounter with my real life, I see I couldn't pull through to what is right? Were my characters stronger than I, their creator? I never found the will to stop myself from nearing Manik, the Manik I have perceived as a brother figure for the larger part of my life - I realized I had tears in my eyes - I don't know why, whatever happened, it wasn't making me feel any regret, I wish I felt shallow, there is dignity in even that - but I am such a goner that I am not even upset - I lusted for a man, so did Amanda in my novel; Manik - he is a beloved brother figure - Heath was Amanda's mother's boyfriend - a beloved father figure. In Manik, I found solace, in Heath, Amanda found solace - but Amanda found it in her to stop, to stop right there, just before losing it all, I don't know if she regretted lying there cuddled to Heath, just lying, there was no passion, no wildness, no love-making, just the calm of affection as they slept hugging each other, she had finally stopped herself - I didn't.

"And when the morning came, she knew she would be alright.

All but his scent on her pillow would be gone.

And even that would be washed away by her tears.

It was in the darkness she was weak.

But with the morning light, she could see the truth."

~ Voice of the Ocean, Nandini.

As I sat back on the couch and surf channels aimlessly, I heard the distant beep of my oven turning off - Armaan's muffins were ready - Aryaman would be home in some time now, if he was in town - but today there will be no doorbell at seven. I wasn't expecting one ten days back either, especially at nine, as I sat down to nibble on my pasta while watching some old episodes of Seoul.

I was wondering who it could be, when I cautiously stepped near the main door peering from the eye-hole. I could see a broad chest, a brown leather jacket hiding a black tee, a pair of distressed denim, but one leg of the denim was folded- I had smiled - I recognized him alright, it was my Rockstar - I knew he was in town of course, both Aliya and Navu had told me, but it had somehow escaped my mind - so he had come, to meet his tooth fairy, I smiled to myself as I unlocked the door for him.

***

Manik:

As I walked out of the arrival lounge in Mumbai, almost instantly a deafening shrill voice greeted me and before I could do so much as turn around, she came and hugged me - Aal, and almost instantly, before I could reciprocate to the hug, she moved away from me and with a scrunched nose spoke to me, "You smell like di!" I was taken aback at the sheer spontaneity of her statement and its Bulls-eye accuracy, I unexpectedly took a step back, almost in defense - what happened between Nandini and me, I was most certainly not going to tell about it to anyone - but Aal seemed to have smelt it at the very first instant.

Again, before I could respond to that, she spoke, "Uff, if you had to borrow, you could have borrowed one of Jiju's woody smelling ones, why di's? You smell like sandalwood. For a moment I thought, I was hugging di" she told me chirpily. I smiled at her innocence, and for a moment, it almost hurt to think that I had physically cheated on her, with her own sibling, but I stopped myself from taking the guilty path - I had to be with Nandini for sometime, I had wanted her for too long - she was a prize for me. Of course going back to the good old "Nan di" days seems impossible now, but I know soon I will have to acknowledge her as my sister-in-law.

My train of thought was broken by Aal's voice, "You know baby, I'd rather that you start carrying your colognes, I mean, had I smelt some other feline perfume on you, I would have flipped, thank God it was only di's perfume", she laughed holding my arms as we walked out of the airport.

***

"So, how was Rockstars' rendezvous with his tooth fairy?" I heard di's voice, moments after I entered my house. I had forgotten about having to face her and her innumerable questions about her BFF once I came back - of course she had come over to help our mother for my wedding which was nearing close. I looked at her and smiled in exasperation - I wanted to be a Rockstar even as a child, and I had made my ambition amply clear to di and Nan di back then, for them I was the baby brother who always wanted to grow-up to be a Rockstar! She laughed at me in her usual way, she and Nan di could never miss a chance of teasing me - hence 'rockstar' and 'tooth fairy' seldom eluded our conversations - but today was different, these references were bothering me. It was just magnifying the already existing vast age gap between us - I didn't like being the kid when I was being spoken about, in reference to Nandini. "Cut it out di, I was just being an ass back then, it was me being cocky not innocent" I replied defensively in reference to our childhood relics - Di just made a face and laughed, "Of course, you were being cocky when you thought Nandz was tooth fairy, Rockstar - wait till I tell Nandz about this!! Cocky my foot!" she laughed some more and proceeded, "Did she tell you when she is arriving, the dates?" and then looked from Aal to me. Irritated though I was by now, I managed to reply, "She will come after Aryaman bhaiya returns from Hong Kong - it isn't likely that bhaiya and Armaan will come for the wedding - only Nandini will - and she will call you to confirm the dates." I replied nonchalantly.

"Nandini?" asked Aal and di in unison. "Since when did Nan di become Nandini?" asked di in confusion. "Since the time I decided to grow up and be a man and realized that being an adult, calling any lady with not much age difference, as di, aunty, chachi might not go down well with them, unless they are related of course - you guys aren't that old also you know di - just a few years..." I tried justifying again, "Aal don't you think he is acting a bit too weird today?" smirked di, looking at Aliya.

"I know di! He even borrowed di's feminine perfume! I think I should call di and ask if he has hit his head somewhere!" giggled Aliya and di joined in. I left the ladies at it and walked up the steps to my room - before entering my room, my eyes fell on a bunch of photo frames hanging just on the wall outside my room, my eyes found one particular frame; it was of a young boy of sixteen holding his first music award with his two sisters in their mid-twenties, cheering and hugging him from behind - My anger flared at seeing the photo as I glared at the sixteen year old me - as if it was my fault that I was so much younger - I made a mental note to ask the butler to remove this photo tomorrow and replace it with one of those photos clicked during di's wedding - similar to the photo hanging on her wall.

I shut my eyes, and breathed in deeply before taking off my clothes for a shower - for the last time I inhaled her lingering smell on my clothes before shedding them off. Nandini - I exhaled.

***

A/N : Well, chapter 2 is down. How does this feel like? Any thoughts?

Just for those who might be a bit confused, Nandini in this story is a writer herself & the quotes in bold italics are lines from her books (Voice of Ocean is a book she has published). She will be seen to draw parallels between the characters in her book & her throughout the book, so hoping you'd pick up now :)

Do let me know whether you want to read more of this story or not. In case you're dropping the book, do let me know why, I would like to understand the reasons in general (this is my researcher brain asking for feed) :)

Until next Sunday!

Love,

A.