Pragya:

I was sitting in my bedroom and making a list of things we needed for the next day; it would be the fourth day after 'mumma's' demise; we were holding a religious gathering for the 'chauhtha'. I was busy remembering all the things we needed when the door to my room barged open and Bulbul walked in. About time, I had thought to myself; ever since I had returned home after meeting Aadi, I was curious to know how her discussion went with Suresh, but I didn't push it when I saw the door to her room locked. I thought she needed space, and I was more than happy to provide her that; it was true that the loss of 'mumma' got us back together as family, where we decided to put our personal differences aside for a while, but that didn't by any chance mean, all was well between us; for me she was still as much the home breaker she always was, and now I was the same for her.

Bulbul walked straight in and stood next to my bed with arms folded across her chest; she looked livid. I realised her conversation with Suresh couldn't have gone well; I wasn't surprised. I knew it would take them more than one conversation, but what I wondered was, why she was glaring at me; I thought I was out of their way now.

"Bulbul, what..." but she didn't let me complete before bursting down on me.

"How much more selfish can you be Di, where does it stop, tell me, Di" she breathed fire, I sat there looking at her confused. I thought we were putting this conversation for later, maybe after 'mumma's' funeral, but it looked like we were going to have it then.

"Excuse me?" I replied, not sure where this conversation was leading.

"Why is it always about you Di? You wanted Suresh you got him, you never loved him; but then you never left him either. You suffered and you made him suffer and in turn I suffered. We all suffered because you chose that for us, we didn't have a say in it. Then one fine day you find another man to love, let's not even get into the loop of who that man is, or that he was like a brother to you, or that he was engaged to me; putting all that aside, let's just focus on your deeds. You find this new man and you want to be with him now, but of course Suresh has a problem now, he has invested too much time and life into this charade you had in the name of a marriage; he didn't want it to fall apart, he wanted to make it work no matter what. Now what could you possibly do? Take responsibility for your actions, nope; that was never in your nature Di, instead, you decide to lure him back to his weakness, me; after all these years, you suddenly acknowledge our right to happiness, Di? Now you want him to give us a chance? Why, so that you have a clean slate and can move on with Abhi? All this scheming, what is it for? Who do you care about Di? Do you care about the man you called your husband for so many years, if not love, at least care, do you care about me, the woman who tried to make things right, so that your marriage could work, for all these years, do you care about Aadi, who doesn't deserve any of this and deserves to be with his mum and dad; and lastly, do you even care about Abhi, or he is just an easy means of escape for you from the shackles of an unsuccessful marriage?" she was breathing heavily when she spoke her thoughts, as I calmly looked at her; I wasn't surprised, ever since our relationship had come out in the open, everyone in my life had asked me the same set of questions in one way or another. I didn't explain myself in most cases because I didn't feel the need to, but in this case, I felt I owed Bulbul an explanation.

I looked at Bulbul and smiled gently, she looked outraged at my reaction. "Bulbul, of all the things I hold against you, your opinion regarding my actions with respect to Abhi, I don't blame you for that." she looked surprised, clearly she was expecting me to retaliate, but she wasn't getting that from me, not today.

"Bulbul, I don't hold anything against you for having this notion because, only after meeting Abhi and falling for him did I somewhere get your point of view. I have held the same thoughts and contempt about you ever since you and Suresh went behind my back; I could never forget it, forgive you, and I never understood why you did it; I wondered was it some misplaced vendetta? I would have held on to my belief if Abhi hadn't happened to me. I met him and I did exactly what you did all those years back; no morals were strong enough to stop me, no bond was tight enough to hold me back, I went straight to Abhi like it was how this was meant to be. I know you think, I did it out of spite, I did it because at one point of time you did the same to me and I wanted to get back at you, but you're wrong here Bulbul. I suppose, you of all people would understand this, I really fell in love with Abhi. My love and need for him was so strong that nothing else mattered; not the fact that I was married, not the fact that he was engaged or that he was Alia's little brother; nothing mattered. You know that feeling, don't you? I didn't understand this before Abhi because, I had never been in love Bulbul, I didn't know how it felt, my thinking and my needs were restricted by the norms that were dictated by society, I didn't have any passion that would want me to break that chain and explore, hence I blamed you both, punished you both and stayed in that marriage. We both know how that played out; do you think after having the full picture, after finally understanding your action from the past, after living the consequences of my last choice, I'd still make the same choice? Who would it be good for, you, Suresh, Aadi, me or even Abhi? That's why I want to take the right decision this time around; I have known love now, and I don't want to make another mistake by knowing it and throwing it away; yes I want to be with Abhi, but I want you both to give it a try too, for your sake, for the love you hold for each other, not because of any selfish agenda, Bulbul. I know with all the history we have, we probably won't ever be able to see eye to eye, but I'd like you to believe this; it was never my intention to take revenge, I am just another ordinary woman who fell in love." I was barely whispering by the end of it.

Bulbul seemed visibly stupefied, I knew she wasn't convinced, but it looked like she realized there was no point in arguing further, it would continue to be my word against hers and there would be no winner. She sighed and sat down on the bed.

"Di, I don't believe you when you say you've fallen in love with Abhi; I still think it is your escape plan, but I am willing to give you the benefit of doubt. If you truly understand what made me go back to Suresh all those years back, then you will know how your judgement to punish us by staying in the marriage and keeping us apart must have made me suffer; you must have suffered the same way throughout all our wedding ceremonies too; just think Di, it was a couple of days for you, it was years for me. You are right Di, you and I will never be okay with each other; I will never forgive you, even if I understood you. I still don't believe you want Suresh and me to have a chance because of any change of heart, I don't think you're capable of such metamorphosis; but since you had Suresh come to me with his proposal, I would just like to let you know, I don't want to give Suresh a chance. Every time we drifted apart, he went back to you and Aadi, he never waited; he loved me, but I was not the first priority, it was always Aadi. I don't blame him, he is right as a father, but I deserve better. So, when he asked if we could be together today, I said 'No'; and I just want to tell you, if my decision bears any further consequences in your life, don't hold me responsible. I don't want to hold any grudge against you, I don't want to forgive you, I don't want your forgiveness either and like you I am not guilty of the choices I made in life either. After 'mumma's' final rites, where we will be present as family, I just want out; I want to be away from all this mess and start life afresh." Bulbul was stone cold when she uttered these words.

As I stared at her quietly for a few moments before responding, I wasn't sure how I felt. She was the last shred of my childhood family and we were breaking apart, but it didn't hurt. There was a sense of nonchalance in me that astounded me. I was simply okay with this arrangement. I felt like I didn't want to see her again either.

"If this is what you chose for yourself, for your life, I respect that, Bulbul" I finally uttered those words still looking at her. She looked at me and with a slight nod she left my room. As I saw her leave, there was a sense of finality in her gait, I felt a sense of closure; it felt good. After an eternity, things seemed to be falling in place, but it was incomplete, there was one more closure I needed, I remember telling myself that evening; for that I needed to pay a visit to my best friend, Alia.

***

Alia:

Purab and I were enjoying tea in the evening by our bedroom balcony when I heard a knock on my bedroom door; I glanced around to find Prags standing at my doorstep. I was surprised to say the least, and shocked to a certain extent realising the rage that was unfurling in me at her mere sight. It took her one hasty decision to change the absolute course of our lives. I lost her, my brother's wedding got cancelled, Bulbul suffered, her mother passed away, and I stopped talking to my brother; all this, because she couldn't keep her midlife crisis in check.

"Pragya, I don't think it's a good time to..." I had begun, but Purab stopped me; I looked at him confused and he motioned for Prags to come in, which she did and smiled at Purab; I could see confusion in her eyes, she didn't know Purab and I had worked things out. Purab turned to me and spoke softly.

"Baby, whatever you feel talk it out; and get closure, that's all I ask; that's best for both of you" saying that he left the bedroom after side hugging me once and nodding at Prags.

As we both watched him leave and shut the door behind him, there was pin drop silence in the room. Prags broke that silence after a while.

"So this is how it is going to be between us, Alia?" she asked, she sounded hurt, it irked me.

"Sadly, you've left us with no other choice Pragya" I whispered back; she laughed but there was no humour in her voice.

"Us, you and Bulbul?" she asked, and I could sense her discomfort.

"Sure; Bulbul and I, and Abhi too" I added in hatred.

"Please don't bring Abhi into this; that's separate. Alia, you and I meant something; I came here to talk about that. What is it that you are actually holding against me, and how long will you hold it against me, Alia?" she asked earnestly, clearly the mention of Anu irked her.

"You broke my brother's happy home, Prags. You ruined his chance at happiness" I teethed out in anger.

"He wasn't happy with her Alia, and you knew that too. It was an unspoken compromise for the sake of everyone but him. Also, Abhi isn't ruined Alia, he has me and I love him more than life itself" she replied back with heat; her announcement of unadulterated love for my brother provoked me further and I lashed back again.

"He is young, this is a phase Prags. We all know it would have passed if you didn't indulge him. How could you Prags, why didn't you fucking STOP!?" I screamed now.

"Alia, your brother wasn't a toddler I abducted; he might be younger than us but he is a grown up man capable of making decisions. He came to me, he opened his heart to me, I believed him and we fell in love. It isn't rocket science damn it. I agree the circumstances were less than optimal, but you know what, we didn't care, for once we wanted to choose happiness for ourselves, and we did. And you know what, it was a damn personal choice for us to make. I owe you no explanation there; it has nothing to do with you Alia. I understood and respected your initial rage, it came from shock, disbelieve, rattling of your comfort zone; I know you, I expected you to come around Alia, I expected you to take a few days but come around. The anger I understand, but not this hate; and Alia I know you for long enough to know it has nothing to do with my being with Abhi, hence I came here to ask, what is it?" Prags had also snapped by then, as I looked at her incredulously for her audacity.

"Nothing to do with your being with Abhi? Prags have you lost it? It has absolutely everything to do with it. Abhi Mehra is my brother, Prags. How dare you do this shit with him?" I snarled this time.

"Really Alia? If this is about your brother, then why don't you go and accuse him, chide him, talk him out of it? With what right are you hating me? Would you have not come around if I did the same thing with another man, that is not Abhi? I am sure you'd understand then Alia; the problem is not because I chose another man, the problem is that man is Abhi. Alia if you hate this, why don't you go talk to him, why should I be answerable for his share of questions? Why should I lose my friend, because of your sibling issues?" Pragya questioned my morals

"Prags, you were my friend; why couldn't you choose another guy, why my brother, why ruin his life? And he came to you, fine he did; couldn't you fucking reject him?" I asked in frustration.

"No Alia I couldn't. I wish I could, but I couldn't. I fell in love with him and after that I didn't want to let him go. I knew it was a difficult path we'd undertake, but I was okay with it, Abhi was worth the fight." she retorted in vexation.

I stared at her, "This attitude, you could stop but you chose not to; I always hated this guts Prags. I always did, but I never thought that one day it would come to bite my own family." I whispered now.

Prags signed in satisfaction. "Yes, now we are talking. You hate my guts; it has nothing to do with my falling in love with Abhi; you don't care Alia. What you hate is, I had what it takes to fight for my happiness. I didn't even stop knowing my happiness lay with Abhi, and what you hate me for is, not only did I dare, I did find my happiness too. The day you found out about Abhi and me, that day too you came to blame me, did it occur even once to you that you could talk to Abhi too? If our relationship was the real reason for hatred Alia, you'd have confronted him too, you wouldn't have shunned him. The truth is, in this situation you found a channel to spill your deep seated hate for my guts out on me. I dared to survive Alia, everytime something fell apart, I dared to survive, that's what you hate in me. But I am a survivor Alia, and no matter what life throws at me, I will survive. If you cannot accept me, knowing I am a survivor and I will always be brave enough to survive and find happiness, then we cannot ever be the same Alia." I saw tears in her eyes and I knew what it took for her to say these things; also I hated it but she was right.

I hated Prags because I couldn't wrap my head around how she had what it took to challenge destiny head on every single time. Yes, it seemed like she was a sufferer, but Bulbul was always right when she only saw a winner in Prags. Prags found out her husband was cheating on her with her sister, what would any of us do if we ever encountered such a situation, we'd cry, confront, beg, plead or worst leave; in all these circumstances we would either lose dignity or stability; but what did Prags do, she digested the news and didn't confront, and kept everything intact! Eventually her husband came back to her, her son had both his parents when he needed them the most, she had stability if not love and the satisfaction of punishing her husband by never really taking him back, and the luxury of getting back at Bulbul for going after Suresh. Prags did suffer in silence, but she ensured every person who wronged her suffered too, that was the price she charged for her suffering.

Prags didn't stop at that, years later she had a chance to fall in love, and she dared to fall in love too, that too outside her marriage; she dared to challenge every relationship she ever had for her love, how many of us would go ahead and do what she did? At her age, keeping in mind what all are at stake; she openly accepted she loved Abhi and now wanted to be with him; what was she losing anyway? Nothing. Aadi was old enough by then; he was at an age where things could be explained to him. The only price she had to pay was by giving up on all her other relations, like her husband, Bulbul, 'mumma' and me; and what had she got to lose anyway, she gladly gave up on all of us to choose Abhi; of all the things I hated Prags for, this was the biggest one, she dared to let me go for Abhi; and that's why I chose to support Bulbul over her, to show her how it feels. I hated Prags for her guts and for letting me go; but mostly for letting me go. I know it was selfish of me, but how was I not justified being selfish when she selfishly chose her happiness and let me go? How did she not stop thinking she'd risk losing me? If roles were reversed, and I was at her place, I'd find it in my heart to stop, because I wouldn't have the guts to lose her, but she didn't stop. I realized I would never be able to forgive Prags, more for this than for anything else.

I stared at Prags with finality in my eyes, and even before I spoke, she realised what I was going to say. She tightly shut her eyes and slightly shook her head; I smiled in some satisfaction, losing me wasn't that easy then, it did cost her something and I was going to make her pay the price, this was her punishment for daring to let me go.

"You are right Prags, we can never be the same. I hope you find the happiness for which you let us break apart." I spoke softly but my voice sounded determined. She gave me a piercing glance and walked out of my room. I saw her leave and softly crashed on my bed; it was truly the end of an era.

***