"Choice is the most powerful tool we have; everything boils down to choices. We exist in a field of infinite possibilities; every choice we make shuts an infinite number of doors and opens an infinite number of doors. At any point we can change the direction of our lives by a simple choice. It is all in our hands, our minds and our hearts" ~ Voice of the Ocean, Pragya.

Pragya:

I was toying with the thought of a few lines I had written in my first novel, while writing I had no inkling exactly how the power of choices would play out in my life. People who have read these lines of my book, I don't know how much they understood it either, maybe that's why my first novel tanked too; people are more often than not, scared to make bold choices, therefore they are unable to see the full blown repercussions of difficult choices made. Did I know while writing that book, that one day I would choose my child's need of a father over my self-esteem and stay back in a dead marriage; did I know, I would one day let a man who had always been a brother figure, walk into my life and have a secret affair with him; did I know I would be cheating on my husband with the man who was engaged to my half-sister; did I know I would love a man so much that I would choose him over everything I had learnt to value all my life; did I know I would decide to forgive the one woman I hated all my life, 'mumma'; did I know what floodgates I was opening in my life, when I made these choices? I probably didn't; but these choices opened the door for me which led me there, that day. A woman who loved a man outside her marriage, lost a best friend who was more than family, was likely to lose the husband she never loved, lost the last mother figure she had in life, and didn't know how to be a good mother amidst all this.

Did I regret where I stood, despite all this, that wasn't the case; because amongst all these choices, I had made a choice one night to let Abhi into my life, it was reckless and opened doors that wiped away my sanity, stability and all relations, but I didn't regret it ever; because had I not opened that door, I wouldn't have gotten the one person who was more to me than almost all my losses combined; because that choice led me to Abhi.

I was sitting on the couch in the hall while musing to myself, and indulging in these thoughts, when I heard the doorbell ring, I thought it was Bulbul, she had gone out to meet Alia; but when I opened the door, I was surprised to see Suresh standing before me. I stepped aside, letting him into the house, he walked in and looked around; I told him Bulbul was not home and he nodded in acknowledgement. As he sat on the couch, I joined him with a cup of coffee; I knew we had a terrible conversation due, and it couldn't be pushed further, I was bracing up for yet another storm, the one that would end my marriage.

"How is Aadi, where is he?" I broke the awkward silence between us.

"Don't worry, he is at the hotel, with a house staff in attendance" he replied quietly. I nodded in understanding and looked at him, waiting for him to start. He looked at me and then everything around us, he was quiet.

"Suresh, we have to talk about it at some point; we cannot be silent about it forever, right?" I whispered, not looking at him.

Suresh laughed a mirthless laugh, "Of all the times in our married life, this is the time you chose words over silence?" he asked quietly, looking at me. I sighed, I knew he was here to accuse be, blame me, maybe even abuse me, before leaving me; but I was tired, I didn't want all that; I had suffered enough on his account, for years now. I just straight away wanted to go to the part where he'd talk about leaving me, and we'd discuss Aadi's custody.

"Suresh, let's just get to the point here, there is no point discussing the past" I replied, a little too harshly for my own taste. His head snapped towards me, he didn't miss my tone either.

"Okay. I am here to propose something to you" he said looking at me curiously. I looked at him curiously, what was going on in his mind I wondered.

"Pragya, we both made mistakes; grievous ones at that; which gives none of us the right to question each other on moral grounds. I cannot accept what you did, just like that, just the way you couldn't accept my infidelity in all these years; but you had made a choice, a selfless choice for Aadi at that time. All I am saying is; I am willing to make the same choice for my son. I don't know if I will find it in me to ever forgive you, but I am willing to try; I promise you I will give it my best shot, provided we both snap all ties with the people here in Calcutta. Let's go back to Delhi and start afresh and never look back. Who knows, maybe this time we'd actually become a family in the real sense of it?" he finished and looked at me with hope in his eyes.

I was stumped, too stumped to respond; of all the things I expected Suresh to come up with, another compromise wasn't one of them. I asked myself, was I willing to make the same choice I made last time for Aadi, was I willing to stay with Suresh for him; my answer was yes, I was; but the question was did Aadi need this? Aadi was growing up now, he was a sensitive boy and he had learnt to read through the façade that our relationship was; but he never questioned us. While both Suresh and I were ready to make yet another sacrifice for Aadi's good, the larger question we needed to address was what was good for Aadi? Was it better for Aadi to be raised in a loveless marriage, or was it better to show him the real world where everything was not hunky dory and teach him to always chase happiness and never compromise?

"Suresh, why do you want us to give our marriage another shot?" I asked him. He looked perplexed.

"As I said, because of Aadi." he replied crisply.

"How is this going to benefit Aadi?" I asked this time, sitting up straight on the couch.

"Just how it did, when you chose this marriage of compromise for us last time" he responded, he wasn't as calm anymore; I could sense he was perturbed.

"Then I will tell you from experience, that wasn't the best choice I made in life. I regret making it, and I would suggest that you don't make the same mistake this time" I replied softly, looking deeply into his eyes. He gaped at my choice of words.

"You regret choosing Aadi over yourself in the past?" he asked, sarcasm evident in his voice.

"No, never; I regret thinking that it was the right choice I made for Aadi. No child can have a happy childhood in a household where his parents are together by compromise and not happiness. You don't think he understands this distance between us? Isn't this why we sent him to a boarding school, anyway, to keep him away from this hollowness we call 'marriage'? I asked him earnestly. Suresh looked livid; clearly, things weren't going as per his plan.

"So, now that you are in love with a man, half your age, suddenly the definition of what Aadi needs has changed to your benefit?" he asked, not masking his raw accusation anymore.

I glared at him, but I breathed deeply, it didn't need to go this way; I didn't want a spat with him and trudge through the same drill all over again, I tried again, this time more calmly.

"Suresh, please don't bring my relationship into this. We are talking as parents, for what is good for Aadi here; and yes, since I had taken that decision years back and suffered the repercussions of it for years, I know for sure it would benefit no one; not even Aadi; I took a wrong decision once, and hence I want to refrain us from taking another one; I think it's time we both choose happiness. If we are happy, we will be able to keep Aadi happy too, Suresh." I told him gently, holding his hand now.

"How is it that you always get to make the choice on behalf of both of us Pragya? When you chose to compromise last time, where was I in that decision? You didn't confront me, we didn't have a discussion, and you just silently decided to compromise and I had to follow it for years then on; but today, when the tables are turned, I decided to be the bigger person here, I tried to involve you in this decision, hell I am trying to forgive you here, Pragya. Why are you making this, so damn difficult for us?" Suresh was seething now.

I couldn't control the years old anger inside me anymore, I snapped too at that point, "Firstly, Suresh, I am not seeking your forgiveness here, so you can keep that to yourself. If you are trying to forgive me today, I have been trying to do the same with you for years now, that too without you ever apologizing. I didn't confront you, that was a mistake; I should have confronted you, and ideally we should have parted ways. I made a mistake Suresh, that's what I am trying to tell you here; and now you are about to make one too; I am trying to stop you. That mistake didn't do us any good, and this mistake won't either. We owe this much honesty to not only Aadi but ourselves too, Suresh". I tried again desperately, to make him understand; I wasn't willing to get back into the sham of our marriage that kept me claustrophobic all my life.

"Tell me Pragya, when you realised 'mumma' passed away, why'd you call me, why not Abhi?" he asked me this time with determination in his eyes.

"It was out of habit, Suresh" I mumbled trying to make him see sense.

"Exactly Pragya, habit; you may not love me, but we are habituated with each other, we have become each other's reflex, how can we not work, if we try?" he asked again desperately.

"Suresh, we all deserve more than this. Aadi deserves to be happy with happy parents, you deserve to be happy with the woman you love, and I deserve to be happy with the man I love. I know it is twisted, difficult and unfamiliar; the easier thing is to go back to the comfort zone of compromise, but it's not good for anyone here. Suresh, I really think it's time, we should seek a divorce." I finally said it out loud, it took a huge load off my chest, I felt liberated; I didn't realise how badly this marriage was holding me back; I felt overwhelmed and tears came out of my eyes; and for the first time in years, these weren't tears of sorrow or morose.

"So you will choose Abhi, no matter what?" Suresh asked quietly after a long pause.

"And I want you to choose Bulbul this time; for your sake, for her sake, for the sake of happiness. This will make everything, right, Suresh" I whispered, as he looked at me with wide eyes, and maybe for the first time at the mention of Bulbul's name, a glint of hope? In years to come, this was the first and only  ever time, I felt happy for him.

"Are you sure about this, Pragya?" he asked finally, after what seemed like ages.

"More than ever; why don't you wait here, she will be back in some time now. Meanwhile, let me go to the hotel and be with Aadi for a while." I smiled at him softly, he barely nodded, as I got up to leave.