"Actually, Lu. It's not really a dream."

Paalis na sana ako nang bigla akong habulin ni Dr. Israel. She said she wanted to tell me something more relevant.

"What exactly do you mean? Iyon ang alam at nararamdaman ko kaya akala ko ay in-acknowledge mo na rin 'yon?"

I maintained my stoicism. Knowing anything about my illness is no longer such a big deal for me. That's all there is to it as long as I'm sick. Simply provide me with as much information as you can and let's just deal with it.

"Yes, but no." Napailing ang doktor ko. "I mean, the main reason why you're here, doing this, is for us to know the main root. So, we're testing all the possible reasons. But, you see, schizophrenia is all about becoming immersed in one's own world."

I blinked a few times, and a sudden small grin formed on my lips. "Sinasabi mo bang baliw ako?"

"That's not what I meant, Lu." She licked her lips and sighed. "All I'm saying is that you've become engrossed in your distorted and bizarre false beliefs and perceptions. 'Yong mga nangyari sa buhay mo na naging turning point ng sakit mo ay kabaliktaran sa mga gusto mong paniwalaan. Delusions and hallucinations. Everything in your external and internal reality contradicts each other."

Natigilan ako. Leaning my back against the chair made me focus my stares on her. Mukhang ngayon lang kami magkakaroon ng mas mahaba-mahabang usapan tungkol sa sakit ko. Ganoon na ba talaga kalala?

"You're stuck with something you're afraid or ashamed to concede because of the overall result that happened in your life. Akala mo lang palagi kang nananaginip because your normal behavior and thinking is disrupting. It's like your body is having a shutdown you're not well aware of. Nasanay na ang katawan mo na balik-balikan ang mundong paulit-ulit mong ninanasa, subconsciously."

"But... I'm getting better, right? Bihira na lang mangyari sa akin ang mga sinasabi mo."

It's becoming more hopeless, but as long as I'm alive, I'll keep on trying. Kasi sa totoo lang talaga, gusto ko pa rin namang bumalik sa normal ang lahat. Gusto ko pa ring mamuhay nang payapa. Iyong walang iniindang kahit ano.

"The likelihood of a favorable outcome is increasing. It's a slow process, but everything in that fake world you've created will be wiped out in no time. Simply let us know if you're ready to let go, and we'll do our best to expedite the process if you're willing to start over again. It's been a long time, Lu. Huwag mo na kulungin at parusahan ang sarili mo sa kasalanang hindi mo naman sinadya. Don't get too caught up in it."

"I think I'm now ready, Doc."

Ano pa nga bang hinihintay ko? My sickness has been lingering for far too long. Akala ko umeepkto na ang lahat, gumagaling na ako kasi parang normal na lang din naman ang lahat minsan, pero bigla na lang akong magigising ulit na nasa bingit na naman ako ng kamatayan. My progress is always fluctuating between healing and worsening.

Halatang nagulat doon ang doktor ko pero nginitian ko na lang siya. I even shifted my weight on the chair to improve my comfort. I trust my doctor. Wala dapat akong ikatakot.

"Are you sure? Know that even after obliterating those specific memories, this requires management. It is critical that your emotions are always acknowledged. Ngayon na marami ka nang pinagdaan dahil sa sakit mo, don't be afraid to seek help, even from family and close friends." Pinagsalikop niya ang mga kamay niya sa lamesa. "I can assure you that it will make a significant difference. Huwag mo na sanang hayaang umabot ka pa sa rehab, but I think it would be better. Do you want a recommendation?" She smiled.

"What difference does it make? Rehab is similar to therapy."

Well, that's what I think.

"Oh, Lu! The rehabilitation process entails a number of critical and meticulous procedures. Iyon ay kung gusto mo lang or if it's absolutely necessary. But, you know, I can make some arrangements for you, my dear client."

Hindi ko maiwasang mapatawa. "No, thank you, Doc. It's all right. Through the years of being with you, it feels like a rehab to me. I don't want to begin again. Okay na ako roon sa sinabi mong makakapagpaalis sa lahat ng mga alaala ko sa, well, I still call it a dream."

"It's nice to hear you laugh again." We stared at each other and smiled. "Know that it can also affect your memories here, in the real world. Pero susubukan pa rin naming hindi maging malala ang epekto. You're in good hands, Lu."

"I knew I was the moment you first talked to me."

"I'm flattered." Napahawak siya sa may dibdib niya. "Okay. I'll look for a suitable time to do it. You sure you want to do it?"

I smiled once more. "Yes, Doc. Please make it as painless as possible."

"I will, Lu. I will." Siya naman ngayon ang napatawa.

Mabilis na bumalik sa alaala ko ang huling pinag-usapan namin ni Dr. Israel. This is the first time I can truly feel my heart breaking into pieces. May isasakit pa pala sa mga pinagdaanan ko? Konti na lang talaga ay tuluyan ko nang hahangaan ang sarili ko.

"All this time, I had no idea my love for you could actually ruin me. Do you think all of the memories we've created are worthwhile? Will that be enough reason to let you go?"

Natulala siya, hindi makapaniwala sa mga lumabas na salita sa bibig ko. Maging ako ay hindi ko naisip o in-expect na darating ang araw na ito. I never imagined that I would let him go because I loved him too much. Even thinking about it causes me to cry and shiver with fear. He's been in my life for nearly six years, and now I'm just giving it all up? Maybe this was a mistake? Kailangan kong bawiin, right?

"Huwag ka namang magbiro ng ganyan, love." Napaayos siya ng tindig. "A-are you tired? Sige, hahayaan muna kitang magpahinga. Do you want to be alone and think about it all? No, no, no, don't think of anything. Just rest. I can leave you for a moment. Call me if you need anything or if you need... me again."

"Inus..." Lalo akong nanghihina.

"Okay. You know I can always wait for you. Kahit ilang araw, buwan o taon pa abutin hanggang sa maging okay ka ulit, makakapaghintay ako. Maybe it's my turn to wait for you now, right? I'll... I'll do it, love. Okay? I'll do everything for you."

"That's just one of the many reasons why I should let you go. Sobra na, Inus. Nasisira na tayo ng pagmamahal natin sa isa't isa."

"No, love. Ang sabihin mo ay nabubuo natin ang kahit na anong sira o hindi pagkakaunawaan basta't magkasama tayo." Mabilis siyang napapunas ng luha sa pisngi. Umiwas naman agad ako ng tingin.

Oh, God. I can't do this.

"Don't give up on us, please? Kaya natin ito, love. Hindi tayo tatagal ng ganito kung hindi natin kaya."

I shook my head and cover my face with my hands. "You... you don't get it, Inus..."

"Please, please, love. Stop calling me Inus. I'll give you time. Kaya patawarin mo ako kung ngayon lang ako bumalik. I'll make it up to you, okay? Just... don't let me go because if you do, I won't be able to reach you anymore."

Marahan kong ibinaba ang mga kamay ko. Ramdam ko rin kung paano biglang nag-iba ang ekspresyon ko sa mukha. But I'm not going to look at him again because it will make things more difficult for me.

"How many times do I have to tell you that you need to stop apologizing? Hindi mo kasalanan kung bakit ka nagkasakit at nalagay sa coma. Hindi ko rin ito kasalanan dahil maging ako ay may sakit, can't you see?" Tears continue to fall. "This is given to us for a variety of reasons. Alam kong hindi lang tayo ang naghihirap, Inus. Mayroon pang iba na mas malala pa nga sa sitwasyon natin. Even the people around us are hurting because of us. We keep trying, but in the midst of it all, we keep losing. So it's better to give up on us than to keep going while we're both in so much pain. Mas lalo lang tayong masisira, Inus. Mas lalong mawawasak ang mundo natin."

"Lu naman. Stop saying things like that. Ang dami pa nating pangarap. Ang dami ko pang gustong patunayan. Huwag naman ngayon, Lu." He tried to get me to look at him because he knew his expressive eyes were one of my weaknesses.

"No, Inus. Kailangan mong marinig ang lahat ng ito. If we don't do it right now, when is the right time? Ang tanong, may tamang oras pa ba sa atin sa lagay na 'to? God, Inus. Hindi na tayo mga bata. Huwag mo nang pilitin. Don't feed me with sweet and comforting words right now. I don't need any of those."

Hindi ko alam kung saan ko nakukuha ang lahat ng lakas at tapang ko ngayon. For the past years, this is the only time I voiced out my emotions, little by little. And to tell you the truth, masakit. Sobra. I think this is also the first time we're fighting like this... like seriously.

"Hindi mo na ba ako mahal?" Nabasag ang boses niya kaya puwersado akong napatingin na sa kanya. My tears, unconsciously, know how to respond profusely. Pinunasan niya naman iyon. "You know I'm always willing to fight for my love for you. Suko ka na ba agad?"

"A-agad?" halos hindi ko makapaniwalang tanong. "Sa tingin mo ba kay dali lang ng lahat, Inus? You know it too well that I didn't even flinch in fighting my love for you, even though I'm slowly dying. Hindi ako ganoon kabilis sumuko, Inus. Hindi ganoon kababaw ang pagmamahal ko sa 'yo." Tumaas-baba ang dibdib ko. It's getting more painful by each second, and it's tiring me out quickly. "But you see, love can't always win in a relationship. It will never be enough if our personal issues get in the way because, in the end, we must always choose, and I'm choosing myself right now, Inus. I need to let you go so that I can heal myself. Sobra nang nababasag ang puso ko hangga't nabubuhay ka rito." I took his hand in mine and placed it on my chest.

"I'm... I'm sorry." Umiling-iling siya. "I'm sorry I'm wrong. I'm sorry, love."

"Ayan ka na naman sa kaka-sorry mo! Kailan mo ba 'yan maaayos?"

"I'll fix everything if we continue our love. Huwag mo akong sukuan, Lu. Please. Hindi... hindi ko kaya." Siya naman ngayon ang napaiwas ng tingin dahil sa nag-uumapaw niyang emosyon. Halos hindi na rin mapigil ang mga luha niya na para bang isang panibagong moment ito sa akin – a moment where we're both hurting as we let go of each other. "Ikaw na ang naging buhay ko, Lu. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you."

"Oh, Inus..." I cupped his cheek. "Ikaw din ang buhay ko... pero mamamatay ako kapag mas lalo akong manatili sa 'yo. I'm sure you wouldn't let that happen, wouldn't you? I know you'll still choose for us to be happy in different ways to ease the pain."

Sinalo niya ang pag-alis ko ng kamay sa pisngi niya. He clutched it so tightly that he had no intention of letting go. Napaupo siya sa tabi ng kama ko at ilang beses hinalikan ang kamay ko that it made me smile with pain.

"Of course I want you to be happy... but can you do it with me? Bumuo pa tayo ng mga alaala, love. Sisiguraduhin kong mas masaya, mas mapayapa, at mas magaan."

Oh, my God. This hurts like hell. Patayin niyo na lang ako, please?

"Intindihin mo naman ako, Inus. Lahat na sinasabi ko sa 'yo. Huwag mong hayaang umabot tayo sa punto na tanging sakit na lang ang maiiwan, wala nang kahit na anong pagmamahal."

Natigilan siya. His eyes examined the depths of my soul, seeking more answers and pleading as if it were the only thing he could do for us – the only hope to save us. Tears couldn't stop the drops in a single blink; it just kept on falling. Unfathomable fears caused the dry lips to shiver. Natulala ako sa kanya. I feel like time has stopped momentarily.

He doesn't care about anything now. Right now, he's more vulnerable than I am. He's expressing so much of his heart by just looking at me that I can't tell how deeper the wound gets.

"Please, stop, Inus..." Hangga't kaya ko pa ang sarili ko.

"Ginawa ko naman lahat, Lu," panimula niyang muli.

"Alam ko, Inus. Alam na alam ko. Kasi... kasi ako ginawa ko rin lahat," agap ko naman.

"Anong kulang?"

"Wala. You did your best. We both do. So, don't ever doubt your worth or blame yourself for not being enough, because every moment I'm with you, I'm happier than anyone else. I've been validated, appreciated, and valued." Napasinghot ako. "And that's more important than anything else in this world. Kahit na bitawan kita, alam kong hindi ka mawawala sa puso't isip ko."

When his whimpers became louder, my eyes widened. Bahagya rin akong napatawa at napailing bago siya binalot ng yakap. Nang yumakap siya pabalik ay napapikit ako't nagpatuloy ang pagluha ko.

"Sino na sa atin ang mas iyakin ngayon, huh?" namamaos na bulong ko habang hinahaplos ang likod niya.

"Lu... hindi ko kaya..."

"Kaya mo."

"Masyado kitang mahal para biglang bitawan ng ganito... kung kailan na magaling na ako. Hayaan mo namang ako naman ang manatili sa tabi mo habang nagpapagaling ka. Please?"

"Kaya ko namang gawin 'to mag-isa, Inus..."

"Ako hindi."

"Inus naman..." marahang maktol ko. Lalayo na rin sana ako pero pinigilan niya agad ako. "Don't make it harder for us. Gusto ko ng maayos na break-up."

"At ayoko ng break-up, Lu. Asa kang magiging maayos tayo pagkatapos nito." Lalo niya lang akong yinakap to the point na napapahiga na kami sa kama.

"Hindi na tatalab sa akin 'yan, Inus. So, just let go, okay? Let go and live your life."

"I can't live my life any longer because you took it from me a long time ago."

Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa o maiinis ba ako. Inus is not getting the point here. Wala nang silbi ang sweetness kung ang root nito ay sira na. Pinipilit niya lang dahil masyado kaming nasanay sa isa't isa kaya immune na rin kami sa sakit at ka-toxican ng relasyon namin. We couldn't see what was more painful than loving each other as a result of it. So, one of us has to cut the strings, and that person should be me.

"You can do it, Inus. You've made it through the worst, so you can do it again. If you truly believe in our love, you must find inner peace. You must put an end to the silent chaos. You must fight alone once more."

"This is a lot worse, Lu. I can't do anything without you..." Napahagulhol siya. Magsasalita na sana ulit ako nang dugtungan pa niya ang sinabi niya. "...but I can keep the memory of you in my heart exactly as it is for as long as we're both alive. Hindi ko man mabubuo ang mga pangako ko sa 'yo ay mananatili akong tapat sa 'yo kahit na anong mangyari."

"We made no promises other than our love to each other, Inus."

"Yes, we did, love..." Kumalas siya sa yakap at tinitigan ako. "The moment you gave me your answer, our hearts were filled of unspoken promises and hopes. Iyong mga pangarap natin, mga salitang pagmamahal, mga munting samahan, at mga maliit na awayan... lahat ng iyon ay isang pangako sa isang matatag na relasyon."

Sa bawat hagulhol na umalingawngaw sa loob ng kuwarto ay parang gusto kong bawiin ang lahat ng mga sinabi ko. We both know its tough to move forward without our relationship, but his reassuring words made it clear to me that this is the best decision for us.

"Maghihiwalay lang tayo pero ang puso natin ay isa pa rin, saan man tayo dalhin ng agos ng buhay. Kailanman ay hindi mawawala ang mga alaalang nabuo natin. It's ours, and no one can replace or take it away from us." Bumaba ang tingin niya sa mga labi ko. Kalaunan ay binalot niya ito ng mga labi niya. I closed my eyes to feel it more deeply, but it was so brief that it didn't suffice for the one final kiss I desired. "I love you, Elu Gonora." He kissed me again as if he just heard what I was thinking. Mas malalim ito, punong-puno ng pagsusumamo.

I sobbed even more when he let go. "I love... you, G-Godvynus Tansley. Thank you..." Ako naman ngayon ang humalik pero wala na akong ibang malasahan kundi ang pait ng bawat sandali.