Inus Tansley
Today 10:43 PM

Magiging honest na ako sayo

Matagal akong ma-attach sa isang tao pero ngayon palang

I want to warn you

Kung ayaw mo akong kausap or napipilitan ka lang, just tell me

So, I can distance myself now

Kasi bwisit ka! Bakit ang bilis kong mahulog sayo?

Sino ka ba ha?

Yes, we talked about our personal lives or some random stuff

I even told you about my ex!

You unsent a message

(Shitshjhdfnlkbioyh)

But why am I expecting something more? Tell me if it's just me or...

Seen 10:44 PM

Hindi naman sa ayaw

Naningkit ang mga mata ko. Ilang ulit ko pa yata binasa iyon. I even expected to see another reply from him, but what the hell? Sa dami ng sinabi ko, 'yan lang ang ire-reply niya sa akin? Naka-shabu ba siya? Lugi na naman ako kasi ako inom lang. I giggled as I struggled with a weak hand to hold my phone.

May okasyon kina Gia, and this is the first time in my eighteen years of existence that I have drunk. Oh, hard liquor pa. Nang maihatid nila ako sa bahay ay siyempre, sermon na naman ang inabot ko sa mga magulang ko. They even warned them not to see me again. Tinawanan ko lang iyon. We're cousins, duh? They even tucked me into bed, but I couldn't stop thinking about Inus.

So ano?

Na ayaw kitang kausap

So ano nga? Anong gusto mong palabasin?

Sorry wala ako sa mood ngayon

Wala sa mood makiusap sakin?

Okay, halata ko naman na palagi ka lang napipilitan

Sana hindi ka na lang kasi pumayag sa gusto ni Sas

Kasi first of all

What's your intention?

My intention is genuine.

I want to be friends with you

Pero tingnan mo ang nangyayari sa akin ngayon

Nababaliw na sa kakaisip sayo

Kung ano na ba itong nararamdaman ko

Eh noon pa man kilala na talaga kita pero wala naman akong pakialam kasi uhugin ka

And now? Gosh! I can't believe we crossed our paths again!

Legit na ito, Inus

So, please...

Tell me it's mutual

Seen 11:01 PM

Halos umusok na ang bibig at ilong ko nang matagal bago niya iyon ma-seen. Bumibigat na rin ang mga talukap ng mata ko kaya hindi ko na makita ng maayos ang screen. In the end, I let my own body defeated me. I was about to fall asleep when I felt like throwing up. Mabilis akong napabangon sa kama at pasuray-suray na naglakad papunta sa banyo.

I hold onto the bowl for a support before letting it all out. Pakiramdam ko nangingisay na ako sa sobrang kalasingan. Konti na lang ay mahihiga na ako sa sahig since the coldness of the floor and bowl comforted me. Dito na lang kaya ako matulog?

Akala ko tapos na ako sa kalbaryo ko pero may pahabol pa pala. And with each blink, I shed tears. Para bang wala nang mailabas na suka kundi tubig na lang, which is even more irritating and exhausting. God! I will never, ever get wasted like this again! This will be the first and the last! And with a bad hangover in the morning made it more regrettable. I crave for cold drinks and have no appetite to eat anything! Ganito ba kapag nalalasing? Ang pangit naman!

"That's what you get for disobeying us!" litanya agad ni Mom sa hapag.

"You shouldn't drink that way, Lu. You're a lady. You should only concentrate on your studies," Dad says.

I'm trying not to be disrespectful to them, so I just kept sipping my cold orange juice. Ang OA kasi! Dapat alam naman nila na hindi lahat ng first times sa buhay ay hindi ganoon kasama. Tapos porket babae ako, bawal na agad uminom? That's insane! Mamamatay ako nang maaga kapag sa pag-aaral lang ang focus ko! Can't they see I'm trying to balance things?

"That would be your first and last drink," deklara pa ni Mom.

Napatango na lang ako dahil grabe talaga ang sama ng pakiramdam ko ngayon. Anumang oras ay baka magsuka na naman ako. Para bang unti-unting binibiyak ang ulo ko sa sobrang sakit nito. Remind me again what did they do to make me drink last night? Am I really that curious?

"Hindi ka na rin makakalabas muna."

"Dad naman!" maktol ko. "Bakasyon naman po."

"You're changing, Lu! Bago pa lumala, agapan na."

I didn't respond any longer. I just listened to all of their litanies. And after I finished my drink, I went back to my room to check my emails and messages. I'm looking forward to seeing Inus' message when it suddenly appears. Prayer answered agad!

Inus Tansley
Active 1 min ago

Inus unsent a message

Anong nangyayari sayo?

Seen 7:47 AM

Kunot-noo kong tinitigan ang unsent message niya. Did I say something wrong last night? I shrugged and continued with the back reading. I almost lost my jaw and eyes when I saw my stupidity again!

"WHAT—?" Isa-isa kong binasa ang bawat chat ko sa kanya tapos ang mga reply niya ay ang iikli lang. Napatili ako ng sobrang lakas at halos saktan na ang sarili. "OH MY GOODDD!" Umiling-iling ako't desperada na sanang i-unsent lahat ng chats ko pero... IT WAS TOO LATE! I want to cry!

Bago pa man ako makapag-isip ng kung ano, pinili kong panindigan na lang ang mga sinabi ko kagabi. What else could I possibly do? I poured almost my entire heart out to him. It was a pathetic excuse to blame or use alcohol as an escape mechanism. If I know, hati na rin ang utak niya if I'm really telling the truth or not. Well, I am.

Inus Tansley
Active Now

May sasabihin ako

Ano 'yon?

Bakit ang bilis niya mag-reply?! Okay, whatever! This is it. Breathe in and out.

Gusto na ata kita

Huh? Bakit?

Uhm, ouch? That's his fourth rejection!

Kailangan pa ba ng rason?

Siyempre naman, wala naman kasi akong ginagawa para mahulog ka sakin

What did I just read?! Talaga ba, Inus?!

HAHAHAHAHAHA

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS!

Napa-poker face agad ako dahil sa reply ko.

HAHAHA parang tanga

Seen 7:52 AM

I thought about it all day. Pansin ko na hindi na rin siya nakapag-online pa matapos 'non. Grabe na ata ang tawa niya sa akin ngayon. He'll think of me as a desperate and stupid girl who fell in love with him in just two months. Wala naman kasing oras kung kailan ka mahuhulog sa isang tao, right? Agree with me, please!

"Okay, let's do this!" I picked up my phone when the night came. I quickly typed a message for him.

Where are you?

Usap tayo in person.

Okay, I'll pick you up

No, let's just meet in the park

Mabilis lang naman

Papunta na ako

Pakiramdam ko naririnig ng buong mundo ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. Ang bilis niya naman yatang mag-agree sa akin? And I assumed he wasn't online. Hindi ko na naman tuloy magawang kumalma. Pero nang sabihin niyang nasa park na siya ay mabilis na rin akong kumilos.

Every beat of my heart screamed his name and the feelings I have for him when I saw him. Kung puwede nga lang na yakapin ko agad siya...

"So tell me, Lu. Anong gusto mong sabihin?"

Our eyes met. Wala nang atrasan ito.

"I like you, Godvynus Tansley. Can I be your girlfriend?"

And because of that, 'us' happened. It was April Fools' Day, and it took me a month to process what had happened. Even our friends didn't believe us at first, but our sweetness proved it otherwise. Kahit pala papaano ay may nagagawang maganda ang paglalasing. Kung magpakalasing na lang kaya ako araw-araw? Para makasama ko rin siya palagi? Just kidding!

Mom's heavy hand landed hard on my cheek as her eyes glazed over. Sa loob ata ng halos isang taon, suki na ang mukha ko sa sampal. Rinding-rindi na rin ako sa bawat sermon nila sa akin every damn time I commit a mistake, especially in school. Didn't they realize it was more stressful and draining? Bakit hindi na lang nila ako tahimik na suportahan?

"Are you really trying to rebel on us? Wala na bang mas itataas ang 90 mong grades? Hindi ka naman ganito dati, ha?" matinis ang boses ni Mom dahil sa sunod-sunod na pagsigaw kanina pa. "Tell me, who is it?" Halos mapunit ang damit ko dahil sa pagkakahawak niya sa balikat ko. "Who is destroying your future?"

"Mom... wala po." Halo-halo na naman ang nararamdaman ko. I don't know if it's right to be angry at them too. I just know that I'm in pain right now. Oh, what's new? "I just find it hard to cope up with the lessons lately. Babawi po ako."

"Hard? Good god, Lu! You're smart! What's so hard about it? Nilubayan ka na ba ng katinuan ng utak mo? And what, babawi? You're really making my blood boil!" Napasapo siya sa kanyang sentido. "You're a graduating high school student!" Dinuro niya ako. "Paano ka pa makakabawi? Ilang buwan na lang, college ka na!"

"Makakahabol pa po ako."

Naagaw ang atensyon namin ng pintong bigla na lang bumukas, revealing Dad in his suit.

"Then, prove it! If you're not the top 1 again, we'll send you abroad!" Marahas na tinapon ni Mom ang card ko sa lamesa.

"Mom..." I pleaded.

"Otherwise, you will be homeschooled. Choose wisely, Lu!"

Nagkatingingan kami bago siya tuluyang nakaalis. When it's my Dad's time to speak, I walked out. Nga lang, agad akong natigilan nang halos humiwalay ang kaluluwa ko sa katawan ko dahil sa dagungdong ng boses niya. This time, tuluyan na akong naiyak. I'm so sick of this!

Gaya ng palagi kong ginagawa, wala akong ibang natakbuhan kundi si Inus. I called Mab first but she couldn't answer the call. Hindi na ako nangulit pa dahil alam kong kumakayod na naman iyon para sa pamilya niya. But when it's Inus, he's always making sure he can be with me, putting aside the tasks he's supposed to do.

"What is it?" Tears flowed like a river every time his rough hands touched my hair and the small of my back. "Tell me, hmm? I'll try my best to calm you."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero mas lalo akong naiiyak sa mga sinasabi niya. I just want to rest with him. I don't even know how I should put it in a way he doesn't misunderstood me and my parents.

"Just..." Suminghot ako. "...don't leave me, please." Lalong humigpit ang yakap ko sa kanya, so we stayed like that for a couple of minutes until no tears fell from my eyes. He even swayed our bodies slightly as he kissed my head. I'm not sure how, but I heard the music our hearts desired, and it washed away my pain.

"Mahal na mahal kita, Lu."

Kusang ngumiti ang mga labi ko. "Mahal din naman kita, Inus," namamaos na bulong ko bago niya ako pinakawalan. Bahagya ko siyang tiningala habang marahan niyang pinupunasan ang basang pisngi ko.

"Don't cry like that ever again. Nasasaktan ako."

"I'm sorry..."

"Can I tell you something?" Humigpit ang pagkakahawak niya sa kamay ko. Tumigil na rin siya sa pagpunas ng pisngi ko. Mataman niya lang akong tinitigan na parang sinusuri ang nararamdaman ko.

"S-Sure."

"Sabihin mo muna sa 'kin ang dahilan ng pag-iyak mo ngayon."

I laughed a little. "It's nothing. I've just overreacted again. Alam mo naman ako."

"I don't believe you," he said, his eyes narrowing as he examined my face.

"Gusto mo ng halik, 'no?" Ako naman ngayon ang mas inilapit ang mukha sa kanya pero mabilis lang siyang nakalayo. I held him back with a swift touched on his both cheeks. I puckered my lips before it landed on his. "Ayan! Now, tell me!" Humagikhik ako. Napailing lang siya habang may multo ng ngisi sa labi niya.

"Baliw ka na talaga, Lu."

"Lu? Seryoso ba 'yang sasabihin mo?" Pumamaywang ako. Niyakap niya naman agad ulit ako. I just laughed. "It's okay, love. You can tell me anything."

"Tapos ikaw hindi? That's unfair!"

"Uy, hindi, ah? Todo reklamo ka nga sa kadaldalan ko, eh. Una palang pansin ko na iyon. So, shut up and just tell me about it, okay?" We swayed our body a bit again. Para na kaming tanga sa may gilid ng kalsada, sa tapat ng isang waiting shed. But who cares? Gabi naman at kaunti lang ang dumadaan na mga tao.

"Okay, but first, are you hungry? We can go grab some food while we talk about it."

I gave him a serious look. "Hindi, okay lang ako. Sabihin mo na lang kasi, pinapatagal pa."

"Promise me you won't get mad?"

Lalo akong nagtaka. "Why?" Kumalas na rin ako sa kanya at umayos ng tayo. "Ikagagalit ko ba 'yan?"

"I..." Ang bilis maging malungkot ng mga mata niya pero ngumiti na lang ulit siya para maibsan iyon. "I don't know. Maybe?"

"May babae ka?!" Napalakas ang boses ko't ramdam ko agad ang pagtingin ng mga tao sa amin. "Gago! Are you cheating on me ba?" Namimilog ang mga mata ko. Kahit na hindi niya pa nakukumpirma, unti-unti na namang nasasaktan ang puso ko.

He laughed so hard. "Baliw! Hindi! Wala akong ibang babae, ikaw lang." Ginulo niya ang buhok ko.

Nakahinga ako ng maluwag doon kaya tinarayan ko na lang siya. This man always makes my heart race with a variety of emotions. Walang araw na hindi niya ako ginugulat. Kapag ito talaga something more serious than cheating...

"Sabihin mo na lang kasi! Magagalit na talaga ako kapag pinatagal mo pa!" maktol ko.

"Okay, okay." Tumigil na siya sa pagtawa. He took both of my hands in his and gave me another serious look. I was staring at him as well. "Just please don't change after this, okay? I love you, now and tomorrow."

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Ang drama, ha!"

"Lu..."

"What?" Inip na inip na ako! Jusko!

"I'm sick, Lu." Nakita ko ang pag-aalinlangan sa mga mata niya. Halos tumigil ang mundo ko kaya hindi ko namalayan na mabilis nagbago ang ekspresyon ko sa mukha. "May tumor ang utak ko."

And then I snapped.

It truly is something more serious than cheating because it has shattered all of my hopes for us. Tapos sinabi niya pa na huli na para magpagamot? Talaga bang gusto niya na akong iwan dahil lang diyan? Tapos isang buwan niya pa iyong inilihim sa akin? So, I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. Basta pakiramdam ko may nawala sa akin.

Hindi niya man lang ba kinonsider ang pag-iyak ko kanina? Is he making fun of me? Ngayon niya pa talaga naisipang sabihin! Kung kailan ang dami-dami ko nang iniisip! Dumagdag pa siya!

I cried myself to sleep for several days. I starved myself. I did not attend school. I stayed in my room. All I did was sleep after crying for hours, thinking of every reason why I need to be okay again. However, the numbers of negative baggage just keep on increasing. Dumating na naman ako sa punto na nakakulong sa isang madilim na sitwasyon.

'Yong mga small details na hindi ko naman napapansin noon, ngayon napapaisip na ako. 'Yong mga bagay na binalewala ko for the sake of my happiness, bumabalik na sa akin ngayon. 'Yong mga ginawa at sinabi kong mali sa iba para lang ipagtanggol ang sa tingin kong tama para sa akin, ramdam ko na ngayon ang bigat.

Everything! I've completely lost track of everything I've been ignoring for so long, ever since I opened my heart to a new relationship after Heath. Parang halos lahat ay unti-unti ko nang pinagsisisihan. Every day was becoming unbearable. It's even ironic that my body never drained its water content as a result of tears.

"Inus is here," katok sa akin ni Mom sa kuwarto. Doon ako natigilan because after a week saka lang siya naglakas-loob na bisitahin ako. "I didn't know you have a secret boyfriend."

Bumangon ako at pinagbuksan ng pinto si Mom. Bumungad sa akin ang galit na mukha niya. She scanned me from head to toe.

"Siya ba ang iniiyakan mo sa loob ng isang linggo? My God, Lu! Take a look at yourself!" Nilagpasan ko siya. "Huwag mong hayaan na tuluyang mawala ang pasensiya ko sa 'yo. Masyado ka nang namumuro. I hate this attitude of yours. Once you're done talking with him, tell him it's over. Don't make him come back in here again."

Napatitig lang ako sa likod ni Mom habang naglalakad siya palayo sa akin, hindi na magawang makaabante. It pierced my heart once more, and I couldn't stop the tears from falling. Tiningnan ko lang si Inus sa may baba ng hagdan, walang balak na lapitan o puntahan siya. When he saw me, I immediately turned my back away from him. Alam kong nakuha niya kung ano ang gusto kong ipahiwatig doon.

For the past two months, hindi naging madali sa akin ang lahat. I tried to get back on track, but I was constantly having mental breakdowns. It even drove me to commit suicide. Fortunately, my parents were able to get me to the hospital sooner rather than later, preventing further risks. Pero siniguro nila na walang ibang makakaalam sa nangyari sa akin. They even made sure I would graduate. So, when my wound is slowly healing, they forced me to attend school. At 'yong taong inaasahan kong makikita kong muli, wala.

When I opened my phone again, doon ko lang natanggap ang sunod-sunod na messages niya sa akin sa loob ng dalawang buwan. I don't know what to feel, so it took me a while to read everything, but only the recent message caught my attention that I spent time crying... again.

Inus Tansley
May 30 at 12:01 AM

I will always wait for you, my love. I'm trying to get the treatment now in preparation for the surgery, so please, come back to me, okay? Miss na miss na kita. Gusto na ulit kitang mahawakan, mayakap, at mahalikan. I want to see you smile and laugh again. I'm not promising you anything, pero kapag sinabi ko, sinabi ko. Walang makakapagpabago roon, Lu. I will try harder for us to work till the end. Please, hang in there, okay? And don't worry about me because as long as you're safe, I have nothing to fear.