I wish I could go back in time. Back to when I found out he was sick. I wish I had just accepted it and not reacted so impulsively and immaturely. Hindi sana ito nangyayari sa amin ngayon. Magkasama pa rin sana kami, masayang bumubuo ng mga alaala na alam naming hindi mapapalitan ng anumang halaga sa mundo. That's what I've regretted the most.

"Hija... Inus had a seizure again." Tinawagan ako ni Tita Carolina, ang ina ni Inus. I could tell from the tone of her voice that Inus' seizure had a bad meaning... again. Hindi na ito bago sa amin sa mga nagdaang buwan at taon. However, accepting it over and over again is difficult, as if you are slowly being consumed by the fire that you have long kept away from the fuel that will bring more severe grief.

"Babalik na po ako. Katatapos lang din po kasi ng session ko kay Dr. Israel. Pasensiya na po." Nilipat ko sa kabilang tainga ko ang phone para malagay ng doktor ko ang coat na suot ko. I mouthed a soft 'thanks' to her and she just smiled.

"It's okay, Hija. Alam namin kung ano ang sitwasyon mo. You're just like our son, and we're grateful that you didn't abandon him. You stayed despite the fact that this is the darkest moment of his life. Kaya ang tanging maisusukli lang din namin ay ang panalangin na palagi kang healthy. This is also to prepare you when he wakes up and..."

"Tita, you don't need to say that. Wala po akong ibang hinihinging kahit na anong kapalit sa tunay na pagmamahal ko kay Inus kundi ang magising lang po siyang wala nang kahit na anong komplikasyon na nararamdaman." Inayos ko sa balikat ko ang bag na dala ko bago lumapit sa doktor ko.

"You did well again today, Lu. I'll call you later for more instructions and details, okay?" Dr. Israel pushed the paper on the table towards me, and it was unmistakably the result of our session today. Sometimes, I get tired of reading it because nothing seems to be happening, but I still have to accept it no matter what.

Tanging ngiti na lang ang isinukli ko sa kanya bago naglakad palabas ng opisina niya. Napatigil ako nang may pamilyar na taong nahagip ang mga mata ko. I looked for it again but only the crowded lounge area appeared before me. Hindi ko tuloy nakuha kung ano na ang sinasabi ni Tita.

"Lu? Andiyan ka pa ba?"

I drew a deep breathe. "Opo, sorry po. Ano nga po ulit iyon?" I continued to walk as if nothing happened. Mabilis lang din akong nakarating sa parking area kaya pinatunog ko na ang sasakyan ko.

"Inus is already awake, Hija."

My walking came to a standstill. Of all the possibilities and expectations rushing through my mind, this one's too unusual and astounding. The pain that had lingered in me for years resurfaced, as if seeking the familiar scent of warmth. My mouth left opened, lost in the words, as my heart struggled to beat on its normal phase.

"He's awake and he's looking for you."

I gasped. Napatakip agad ako sa bibig ko. As I closed my eyes quickly, tears found their way to fall from my eyes.

"I... I'm coming, Tita."

The call ended. I staggered to my feet, swaying slightly. I was relieved to see that there was a car before mine, so I used it as an alternative tool to regain my strength and calm myself down.

"Oh, Inus..." I mumbled, and tears just kept on coming. One wipe and I managed to go to my car. Gamit ang nanginginig na mga kamay, hinahanap ko sa loob ng bag ko ang susi. Pinaharurot ko agad ang sasakyan.

"I'm sick, Lu." Nakita ko ang pag-aalinlangan sa mga mata niya. "May tumor ang utak ko."

Ang ngiting kanina ko pa suot ay biglang naglaho't napalitan ng galit instead of sympathy and fear.

"Seryoso ka ba?" I didn't mean to sound so sarcastic. "Kailan pa, Inus?"

Bumuntonghininga siya. "About a month ago..."

"What? Pinaabot mo pa talaga ng isang buwan bago mo sabihin sa akin? That's so selfish, Inus!" I became hysterical. "Ah, so birthday mo nang malaman mo? Yet you still managed to smile and celebrate with us! Oh, my God!" Hindi ko na napigilan ang mga luha ko. Dinaluhan niya naman agad ako pero umiwas ako.

"I'm sorry, Lu. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin."

"Alam na ba ng mga magulang mo?" I stared at him.

"I told them a week after my birthday."

Lalo akong napailing-iling. "So, I'm the only one left behind? Girlfriend mo ako, Inus! I was supposed to know it too from the very beginning! You didn't need to keep it from me!"

"I know, love, but please let me tell you my story first."

His gentle touches softened my heart. Hinayaan ko na lang siya habang hindi pa rin matigil ang luha ko. I'm such a fool for not noticing his pain and sufferings. All this time I was only thinking about myself. Hindi ko alam na habang nagsasaya ako ay unti-unti naman siyang pinapatay ng sakit niya.

"The signs and symptoms began to appear in November and December of last year. Binalewala ko lang sa pagbabakasakaling wala lang iyon. But as time went on, I couldn't take it any longer. So, after the new year, I made the decision to see a doctor."

"No, Inus... why..."

"Kinabukasan, lumabas agad ang resulta. Tinawagan ako ng doktor at pumunta naman agad ako sa ospital."

"I was supposed to be there."

He hugged me even tighter as he caressed my hair.

"It is located in a dangerous area. The size is increasing and spreading to other parts of the central nervous system. Before the surgery, I was advised to undergo some therapy."

"Then, do it!" I pushed him away. "Bakit pinaabot mo pa ng isang buwan, Inus? Bobo ka ba? Utak 'yan, Inus! Isa sa mga pinakadelikadong parte ng katawan natin na magkasakit!"

"Alam ko." Iniwas niya agad ang tingin niya sa akin nang bumuhos na rin ang mga luha niya. "I'm afraid, love. I want to keep being with you. Marami pa akong plano para sa atin."

"Then, get treated! Huwag mong hayaan masira lang ang lahat, Inus!"

"I... can't, love." He looked at me with so much sorrow. "It's too late."

Naalarma ako. "No, Inus! Don't say that!"

"Love..."

"Ang selfish mo!" Nilapitan ko siya't paulit-ulit na pinagsusuntok. Matatag niya naman iyong tinanggap. I stopped when I got tired. "Kapag hindi ka nagpagamot... we're over, Inus. Go waste your life and I'll waste mine too."

"Tangina naman, Lu!" Pinigilan niya ako. "Please..." He held my hand. Winaglit ko agad iyon. Pagod ko siyang tinitigan habang patuloy pa rin ang agos ng mga luha bago siya tinalikuran. "Lu!"

Puwersado akong napatapak sa preno nang may biglang tumawid na bata. Muntik nang makatama ang ulo ko sa manibela. Nang iangat ko ang tingin ko ay nakahinga ako ng maluwag. I didn't hit the kid. Lalabas na sana ako para kausapin siya pero tumakbo na siya palayo. Napasapo ako sa sentido ko't nagpatuloy na lang din sa pagmamaneho.

Nakarating ako sa ospital in no time. It's the same feeling I get whenever I come here to see him, but it's stronger this time because I know I'll see him awake. After more than four years, we'll finally get to see each other again.

I began to whimper as my footsteps became heavier in each hospital room I passed by. Pakiramdam ko ito ang unang pagkakataon na makikilala ko siya. I don't know what to exactly feel. But really, I'm so happy I that could die right now. Nga lang, alam kong hindi lang basta kaligayahan ang nararamdaman ko. I'm having a silent war inside me again.

"College na tayo next year," biglang turan niya.

We're sitting on the roof of my gifted car, gazing at the stars and appreciating the full moon, which symbolizes release and sealing of intention. Nakasandal ang ulo ko sa balikat niya habang magkahawak ang aming mga kamay. The truth is that if I hadn't sneaked out with Kuya Peter, this would never have happened, but I wouldn't tell Inus. Minsan kasi hindi lang mga magulang ko ang todo sermon sa akin.

"I know. My heart is burning with hopes right now." My eyes twinkled as my lips curved in a smile.

"Like what?" malambing na tanong niya.

"Just some stuff."

"Tell me about it."

I giggled. "Ayoko! You'll know it soon. Kapag gagawin na natin."

"Gagawin ang ano, Lu?"

Napalayo ako sa kanya't tiningnan agad siya ng masama. "Iba na naman ang nasa utak mo!" Binatukan ko nga.

"Aray naman! I'm just curious!"

"Eh kasi 'di ba, college life will bring about significant changes in our lives. Ibang-iba ito sa pagiging high school natin. It'll be a lot more difficult and stressful, but I still want to make sure we have time to spend together no matter what. That's just it."

Silence ensued. A few minutes later, I saw his smile, which was one of the many reasons I fell in love with him. Bigla niyang hinalikan ang likod ng kamay ko't pinisil ang pisngi ko.

"Of course, love. Spending time with you is always one of my priorities."

"Talaga?"

Ilong ko naman ngayon ang pinisil niya. "Always, Lu. Always."

"Gawin natin 'yong mga bagay na hindi pa natin nagagawa. Puntahan natin 'yong mga lugar na hindi pa natin napupuntahan. We'll make a bucket list!"

Tinawanan niya ang pagiging excited ko. "A bucket list." Napatango-tango siya bago ako binalot ng isang mainit na yakap.

Napaayos ako ng upo at napayakap na rin sa kanya. "We'll make a ten-item list!"

"Kahit isang daan, isang libo, at isang milyon pa 'yan, love. We have all the time in the world to do whatever we want. Pakakasalan pa kita."

My eyes widened. "Is this a proposal?" Kiniliti ko siya sa tagiliran kaya lumuwag ang yakap namin. Lumayo na lang din ako. "Because if that's the case, I would never say no."

"Hindi ka man lang ba magpapakipot?"

"Hmm..." Kunware napaisip ako. "Sige, mga ten seconds?"

"What's the deal with the number ten?"

I motioned for him to come closer so I could whisper it to him. "It's our angel in love."

We exchanged stares as I teasingly raised and lowered my brows. When I can't take it any longer, I burst out laughing, and so he is, without contradicting to all the things I've told him. Kalaunan ay bumalik kami sa posisyon namin kanina, and spend a little more time appreciating the sky and this moment we'll remember for the rest of our lives.

"How can I stop loving you, Elu Gonora?"

"Mangyayari lang 'yan kapag patay ka na."

"No, even in the afterlife, I shall continue to love you, says our angel number ten."

A pain shot through my mind before I could open the door to his room. My brows knitted together. Nanginig din ang mga kamay ko kaya binaba ko na muna ito't nilagay lang sa side ko. I closed and opened them together for a few seconds as I breathed in and out. May ilang matitinis na boses ding gusto na naman akong sakupin.

Pipiliin ko na lang sana munang umalis dahil ayokong makita ako ni Inus sa ganitong kondisyon, but the door suddenly opened that it shocked me. Bahagya akong napaatras na tila ba may tinataguan at tinatakbuhan.

"Lu! Hija!" It's Inus' mother.

"T-Tita..." labas sa ilong kong bati.

"Okay ka lang ba?" Nakipagbeso siya sa akin.

"Oo naman po." Pinilit ko talaga ang sarili ko na ngumiti.

"Good! Come in, come in. Inus is happily telling us about his dreams."

Hinayaan ko ang sarili ko na magpadala sa mararahang paghila ni Tita sa akin papasok. Unang bumungad sa akin ay si Tito na nakangiti. Then, as we turned left, I saw him, and my heart began to race erratically. Hinihila pa sana ako ni Tita pero hindi na magawang makapalag ng katawan ko. I just stood there, staring at him with crying eyes.

"Lu! Kumusta?" His siblings greeted me, but I couldn't afford to look at them or even return their greetings.

Dumaan ang panandaliang katahimikan sa loob ng kuwarto hanggang sa namalayan ko na lang na kami na lang pala ni Inus ang natira. Tuluyan na akong napahagulhol. Dala na rin ng kahinaan ay napaupo ako sa sahig.

"Iyakin ka pa rin."

Lalo lang akong napahagulhol nang marinig ko ang boses niya. Oh, my God! It's as if I'm dreaming again, and my heart can't stop aching. Lahat ng mga naramdaman ko nang malaman ko na may sakit siya at ang tatlong buwang hindi ko pagkibo sa kanya ay bumabalik na naman. Paano ko nagawa 'yon? Mas nahihirapan siya tapos ako ay nagmaktol lang talaga? I'm the one who's selfish!

Napailing-iling ako sa mga alaalang iyon. "Tell me you're real, p-please." Napatakip ako ng mukha, boses ay unti-unti nang namamaos.

"I am, Lu." I closed my eyes when I heard his voice once again. Then, I looked up to him to confirm it. "Come here." He opened his arms wide to give me a hug. "Or I will come to you."

Doon na ako natauhan. Tumayo ako't tinakbo na ang maliit na pagitan namin. I heard him grumbled because of the impact of my body, but he just laughed it off later on. He gently caressed my small back and hair while I'm trying to make sure I'm holding him tightly.

"Balak mo ba akong patayin ulit?"

I tightened the hug even more. "You're the one who's killing me silently." I cried my eyes out.

"Pero sinisiguro ko naman na nilalaban natin iyon. Look at we now." Sinubukan niyang kumalas sa yakap.

"No," I protested aggressively.

"Love..."

"Ahhh! Stop talking! Mas lalo akong nababaliw! Ibigay mo na sa akin ang moment na 'to, please. Just... shut up, okay?"

He did what I told him, so my hug loosened up a bit. Tamang marahang tap lang sa likod ko ang ginawa niya sa loob ng ilang minutong magkayakap kami. Gusto ko na lang matulog na kayakap siya ulit, feeling the warmth he has. But I'm afraid he'll be gone when that happens again. Kumalas na lang ako.

"Okay ka na?" He brushed off the tears on my cheeks with his thumb. "Now, it's my turn." With a single touch on my chin, his lips engulfed mine.