"So, what happened after that?" It's Dr. Israel, my almost five-year psychiatrist, with whom I've formed a bond. She's been working to improve my physical and psychological conditions, but to no avail. It only worsens over time.

I'm trying to help myself as well, but I'm afraid I'm getting a grip on what's going on in my dreams. I'm afraid I'll find it more believable than the real world I'm currently at. Maybe I'll get stuck there before I know it. Maybe I'll find my life's hopes and reasons in my dreams rather than in reality. I don't want that to happen, but what can I do if my mind becomes more powerful than my body?

"We... we talked about it and just settled it. But then, another problem arises. I don't know why things like that kept on happening. Masaya naman pero ang hirap." Bumuga ako ng hangin. "Parang pinapalabas na hindi dapat kami nagkatuluyan. "

"I see. It's because it's all a part of it. Every problem, challenge, or obstacle is thrown at you to strengthen your relationship. 'Yong saya ay kaakibat ng struggles sa buhay. Hindi naman puwedeng palagi ka na lang masaya. Sometimes you need to feel sad and lonely in order to realize how strong you are and how you make decisions in life. It can also heal you without realizing it." Pinagsalikop niya ang mga kamay niya. "Tell me, are you certain you never felt the same happiness it made you feel when you were just getting to know each other?"

"I did... pero mas pumapaibabaw pa rin ang mga problema that it's both hurting us. Sinusubukan naman naming lumaban or to always work things out kasi nga mahal namin ang isa't isa, but the more we stick together, the further Inus drifts away."

"How so?"

"Sa tuwing nag-aaway kami, may parte sa kanya na nagbabago."

"Is it the same in reality?"

I locked my gaze on her. "No." Then I lowered my head. "It was me who changed after learning of his illness."

"So, everything happened because you couldn't accept that he was sick?"

"I suppose so." My tears began to fall. "I'm the one who made myself like this."

"Alam niya ba?"

Mahina akong umiling.

"I see. Schizophrenia is caused by life and relationship stressors. However, in science, it is caused by biochemical factors such as structural or chemical changes in the brain. If your neurotransmitters are imbalance, you are more likely to develop this serious mental health disorder. May iba ring factors na nakakaapekto rito, gaya ng environmental factors or the many life-changing events in your life." She started to write something. "Since you don't have most of the symptoms, how about we try a different approach this time? Some symptoms appear at times, while others do not, right? I want you to know that you won't be able to control anything soon enough. You will totally lost it, and I want you to be prepared for it." Hinarap niya ulit ako.

Actually, it's already happening. Ilang beses na akong nawala sa sarili ko. Ilang beses ko nang naramdaman na parang nagsisimula ulit ako sa simula. Minsan, sinasabi ng mga magulang ko na buong araw ay tulala lang ako, hindi makausap o makagalaw ng matino. Madalas din daw akong lumuha at magwala. When they told me that, it was as if I were a different person. My hallucinations and delusions are always distressing, but they are always trying to make me feel better.

Ah, I even become a suicidal. Yes, may mga araw na sobrang lala ko na pero mayroon ding parang normal lang. I think it depends to my vivid dreams. It also affects my memories kaya minsan maging si Inus ay nakakalimutan ko na. There have been times when I haven't been able to see him for weeks or even months, but I know he will always understand it.

"I already accepted it, Doc. I'm well-prepared for it."

No, I'm not. I'm just saying it to make myself feel a little better. Sometimes, I used words as my motivation. I need to, and I'm sure we all do. Because I know that words have the unrivaled ability to touch a person's heart that no one else can.

"How about your parents? Kumusta na ang relasyon mo sa kanila?"

"It's still the same, but I know they're also bracing themselves for the worst that could happen anytime soon."

Binigyan niya lang ako ng ngiti. "Shall we start?"

She escorted me to the treatment area. Napalunok ako at ilang beses napabuntonghininga. Even though I'd been saying I was used to it for years, I still couldn't grasp it. It still bothers me. Mabigat pa rin sa loob, hindi na yata ito maaalis. It might be a lot easier if someone was with me every time I came here.

Oh, Inus, I wish you were here.

"Just relax, okay?"

I nodded.

"You must first resolve the conflicts in your dreams, because no medicine can continue to sustain you. It might be better to stop it before it's too late, Lu. I know you can do it. I believe in you." She touched my hand.

"I'm glad you're here." Bago ko pa man tuluyang maisara ang mga mata ko ay naramdaman ko na naman ang pag-agos ng luha ko. Sa pagsakop ng kadiliman ay siya ring pagdala sa akin pabalik sa mundong palagi kong binabalik-balikan.

•••

"Ikaw wala ka rin bang sasabihin sa akin?"

Natahimik ang buong paligid. Ramdam ko ang pagtaas-baba ng dibdib ko habang nakakuyom ang dalawa kong kamay nang matapos ko sampalin si Inus. I can see rage in his eyes, but after a few minutes of staring at mine, his expression softened.

"Let's talk about it later, Lu." He was about to leave but I continued to talk.

"This is the time to talk, Inus."

Silence ensued once again. Nga lang, hindi pa nagtatagal ay narinig ko ang pekeng pag-ubo ng police officer. Kasunod naman niyon ang tuluyang paglapit ng mga magulang ko.

"We're her parents. Care to tell us the details?"

Lumiko ang tingin ko kay Mom.

"You don't need to know, Mom, Dad. I'll handle this—" I cut off my own words when Inus walked away. I was about to follow him when Mom grabbed my wrist.

"You're not going anywhere until we resolve this issue you created carelessly." Her grip tightened with each passing second. "I'm so disappointed in you, Lu. I thought you're a good girl."

I laughed at her words to scorn as I looked at her. "Yeah, wala akong maalala na kahit isang beses ay naging proud kayo sa akin. I think your good girl has gone bad because of those disappointments."

"What—"

"Let her be. I know him."

Nalipat naman ngayon kay Dad ang tingin ko pero alam kong nanatili ang mga mata ni Mom sa akin.

"Like what she just said, she can handle such situations after seventeen years."

I'm not sure whether that's a compliment or an insult. In any case, I couldn't care less. I'm just glad Dad was able to prevent Mom from making it worse. Nasa presinto pa naman kami.

"We'll talk about this at home," Mom whispered as she slowly lets me go. Nahapit din ng paningin niya ang mga tao sa likod ko, in which she undoubtedly gave them a smile — a fake smile to save faces, to be exact.

Wala akong naging tugon. Lumingon muna ako sa gawi ni Mab bago tumakbo palabas. I searched for his car on the parking area but I couldn't find it. I took out my phone and tried to dialed his number.

"Shit naman, Inus!" Bumalik ang init sa mga mata ko habang nanginginig kong hawak ang phone, paulit-ulit siyang tinatawagan. Nang may makita akong taxi ay pinara ko iyon at sumakay agad.

I think I know where to find him.

Nang makarating sa club na palagi naming tinatambayan ay muli ko siyang tinawagan. I squinted when the blinding lights, booming music and different kinds of smoke welcomed me. Maingay na rin ang mga tao dahil almost midnight na. May ilan pa akong nabunggo at may mga taong panay lang ang tingin sa akin bago ako makarating sa rooftop.

"This is our spot. Kaya kung gusto mo akong hanapin, dito mo ako mahahanap."

Hinihingal kong hinanap si Inus sa madilim na rooftop. I came to a complete stop when I saw him sitting on the bench where we used to sit every time we came here. Naramdaman ko na naman ang pagragasa ng mga luha ko kaya pagod akong napabuga ng hangin. Tumingala ako sa kalangitan pero hindi pa rin nito napigilan ang mga luha ko. I sniffed before wiping it away and walking near him.

Hinampas ko agad siya sa balikat. "I'm just worried! You didn't tell me anything about it! Nadala lang din ako kanina kaya sorry–"

"Iyan ba 'yong babae mo?!"

Namilog ang mga mata ko nang may biglang tumayong babae at hinarap ako. Nalipat din naman agad ang tingin ko sa lalaking nakaupo. Nang harapin niya ako ay napaatras na lang ako.

"Ano ba! Hindi naman kita kilala!" bulyaw ng lalaki.

Oh, my Gosh! I'm about to ruin a relationship and I'm at a loss for what to do. Should I just run away? Or should I apologise?

"I... I'm sorry I mistook you for someone. I'm sorry. You may continue what you are doing." I laughed a little nervously.

Lalapitan sana ako ng babae kaya kumabog agad ang dibdib ko pero buti na lang ay napigilan iyon ng lalaki. She's fuming mad and I think she's about to break-up with him. Oh, no. Bakit hindi ko man lang napansin na ibang tao pala ang nandito? Ang tanga lang, Lu!

Hindi ko alam kung gaano na ba ako katagal nakatayo lang habang nakatingin sa couple na hindi na matigil sa pag-aaway. Kung saan-saan na rin nakakarating ang topic kaya minabuti kong magdahan-dahan na sa pag-atras. Nang may maramdaman akong tao sa likod ko ay bumalik na naman ang kaba ko. I was about to close my eyes to gain courage to face who she or he is when his touches on my body felt familiar.

"Let's get out of here." His whisper is so soft that it sends shivers down my spine.

Hinarap niya ako sa kanya at agad hinawakan ang kamay ko. Para akong nahilo nang panandalian. Dire-diretso na sana ang naging lakad namin nang tawagin ko ang pangalan niya.

"Inus." He glanced at me with a faint smile. "I'm sorry!" And I couldn't hold back my tears any longer. I expected him to say something, but he just hugged me, which made my heart ache even more. "I'm sorry. I... I didn't mean it. I'm just... just scared." Halos kapusin na ako ng hininga, but his caresses feels like magic. Mas hinigpitan ko pa ang yakap.

"I know." He kissed the top of my head. "I love you."

The tension vanished in an instant. Unti-unti akong natauhan. I had no idea that a simple 'I love you' could mean so much more than 'I'm sorry.' I had no idea it could so easily break the ice between us.

"I love you, Lu," ulit niya.

Mas siniksik ko pa ang sarili ko sa kanya. Narinig ko naman ang mahina niyang pagtawa pero ramdam ko na ayaw niya rin akong bitawan pa. I have the impression that he is holding the fragile world that he wishes to uphold.

"I love you."

Napakalas lang kami sa yakap nang biglang bumuhos ang malakas na ulan. Mabilis namang nagtakbuhan ang mga tao paalis ng rooftop at papasok sa club. Tumingala ako pero mabilis din namang napapikit nang salubungin ng mukha ko ang malamig na patak ng ulan. I held into his both arms. I don't know why I find it so refreshing. Para bang saksi ang tadhana sa amin that it wants to wash the fight away and cleanse our hearts to continue on becoming one.

"Lu, let's go."

I opened my eyes and looked at him. "No." Before I pushed my body closer to his, I reached for his nape first. My lips landed on his right away.

He cupped my cheek with one hand and held my waist with the other. I couldn't help but smile. Sa bawat pagpatak ng ulan ay siyang paghatid ng init sa amin. If I could just stop the world from spinning in order to stay in this moment, I would, but I can't. It's impossible to hope for something you know you won't get or happen. All I could do was cherish this moment before it faded into sad memories.

Marahas akong napabitaw sa halik. Napabuga ako ng hangin. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa batok niya habang unti-unting napapayuko. When I closed my eyes, I heard ringing in my ears, which was followed by expanding pain in my head.

As I touched my head, I screamed. My knees slipped on the slick ground. I couldn't focus on the external environment because I was distracted by the pain. Pakiramdam ko tumigil nga ang mundo pero para iparanas naman sa akin ang kakaibang malalang sakit ng ulo. Napamulat lang ako muli nang bumuhos ang mainit na likido mula sa ilong ko. Nanginig agad ang kamay ko nang makita ang dugo roon.

Sumikip ang dibdib ko. Halos hindi na matigil ang mga luha ko. As I looked into Inus' eyes, a terrifying feeling crept into my heart. And this is the first time I've ever felt it in my life.

Am I dying?

"Lu!"

Dumaan ang panibagong sakit kaya hindi ko na naman mapigilang mapasigaw. Inus hugged me again, but it didn't make the pain go away. He tried to do something to stop it, but I can tell he's also terrified.

"H-Help us!" Seeing him cry makes me even weaker. Nang tumigil siya, binuhat niya agad ako. Muntik pa kaming matumba pero I know he used his body to protect me from further harm. Sinubukan ko ring tatagan ang paghawak ko sa kanya pero hindi na kaya ng lakas ko.

Tuluyan akong napapikit na naririnig ang paulit-ulit na pagtawag niya sa pangalan ko. Kung gaano lumalakas ang sakit, ganoon din kabilis humina ang katawan ko. I feel as if I can't feel my body any longer. And I'm just hoping that if I just close my eyes, it will all go away.

Just maybe...