Sunod-sunod ang naging pag-agos ng luha ko mula sa malakas na sampal na natamo ko kay Mom. Hindi ko ito inasahan kaya pigil-hininga akong nagtiis na huwag magpakita ng anumang emosyon pero kahit kailan ay hindi iyon palaging nasusunod ng mga mata ko. It was as if my Mom's slap had flipped a switch for my tears to fall. Gayunpaman, nanatili akong kalmado at nakatayong matatag.

"I can't believe you did everything you want in life without seeking our permission! Lu, this isn't you at all! You've transformed into someone we can't control, and I despise it!" Mom tightly closed her eyes as she massaged her temple. Pansin ko kung gaano siya nahihirapan ngayon lalo na't buntis siya. Maya't mayang mapapahawak sa tiyan tapos sa sentido naman.

"Just rest, Mom. You don't need to do this," kalmado kong sabi, handa na sanang umalis nang magsalita ulit siya.

"Perhaps you forgot what you learned in that room. Oras na siguro para manatili ka ulit ng ilang araw doon. Atone for you mistakes and return to us as your old self."

Mabilis akong napatingin kay Mom, namimilog ang mga mata.

"Mom, I'm sick. You should never do anything like that to me again."

"And why not?"

"I..."

"I'm so disappointed, Lu." Kay Dad naman ako tumingin ngayon. He's walking towards me with his deadpan look. Bahagya akong napaatras. "You've always been out for weeks now. Uuwi ka umaga na tapos aalis na naman. Minsan ay amoy alak at lalaki ka pa. Akala mo hindi namin iyon napapansin? We assumed you were too preoccupied with exams, but your dean informed us that you are frequently absent, requesting an explanation or even a letter from us. And what do you expect us to do? Hayaan ka lang? For Christ's sake, Lu! Akala ko ba matalino ka? Bakit mas pinipili mong magpariwara kaysa sa mas maging mabuti? O sadyang ignorante ka lang sa mundong natatamasa mo ngayon? Kaya tingnan mo kung ano na lang ang kinalabasan ng pagkarebelde mo!"

Tumatak ang bawat salitang binitawan ni Dad sa isipan ko, unti-unting winawasak ang puso ko.

"O-Okay..." My voice cracked. I swallowed hard. "I'll be in that room."

I feel so defeated and pathetic. I want to defend myself, but I don't want to let them down any further. Ayokong pati sila ay madamay sa mga kamalian kong nagagawa. Ayokong ipamukha sa kanila ang mga pagkukulang at pagkakamali rin nila sa akin. Mas matatanggap ko pa na sarili ko lang ang sisisihin ko since this is my choice.

"You'll stop communicating with your cousins and friends. Bigyan mo ng importansya ang sarili mo nang hindi nakikisalamuha sa mga taong sinisira ka. I know you're strong enough to stand on your own without the help of others."

"Mom, please. Tatanggapin ko na naman po ang parusa niyo—"

"Parusa?!" Mom scowled. "I can't believe you, Lu! Hindi ka talaga natuto!"

"Ano po ba dapat?" May pait sa binitawan kong tanong habang unti-unti nang natitibag ang pagiging kalmado ko.

"Talaga lang ha, Lu? Sinusubukan mo talaga kami lalo! Well, from now on, you will be homeschooled! Hindi ka lalabas ng bahay! Hindi ka makikisalamuha sa ibang tao! I will immediately set an appointment for your surgery tomorrow!"

Nalaglag ang panga ko.

"Mom, no! Don't do this!" Lumapit ako kay Mom at walang-alinlangang lumuhod. Sa pagyuko ko ay nagsiunahan ulit ang mga luha ko sa pagbagsak. "Just don't confine me to the life I needed to heal from. Don't take away the hope I've been looking for my entire life. Mom, this is just... too much."

"You're the one who's too much, Lu! Not us! We would not have this problem if we were given a son, not a shameful daughter like you! Good to know it's a baby boy now. Baka tuluyan na kitang itakwil kapag naging babae pa."

That slammed forcefully into my heart. Pakiramdam ko may kung anong biglang tumigil sa loob ko that it took me seconds to process it completely.

Natawa ako. "Hindi pala ang sakit ko ang papatay sa akin..." My two hands on my thigh were gripped, trying to suppress the raging emotions from escaping.

"What did you just say?!"

I ignored Mom. Pinunasan ko muna ang luha sa pisngi ko bago ako tumayo at sinalubong ang nanlilisik niyang mga tingin.

"That was below the belt, Mom. Mas lalo niyo pong pinaramdam sa akin na hindi niyo ako anak. See? Kahit na gaano na kayo sumusobra ay sa akin niyo pa rin ibubuntong ang lahat. Paano kung kayo naman po ang sabihan ko ng... bakit hindi na lang iba ang naging magulang ko? Bakit kayo pa? Even though I tried so hard to only love and care for you, it's hard, Mom. Napakahirap niyong maging magulang. Napakahirap maging anak niyo. Sana nga hindi na lang ako nabuhay, ano, Mom? Sana hindi niyo na lang ako ginawa ni Dad!"

Nakatanggap ako ng panibagong malakas na sampal. This time, it was from my Dad. Akala ko mahihiwalay ang ulo ko sa katawan ko sa lakas nito. Matapos dumaan ang sakit ay namanhid naman ito.

"Nothing is too much when it comes in educating and disciplining you. Don't push us any farther, Lu. You know, we can do a lot worse. This ends here."

"Educating? Disciplining?" I mocked Dad. "Matatawag pa ba iyan ng ganyan kung kayo mismo ay hindi alam ang maayos na paraan ng pagdidisiplina?"

Kumabog ang puso ko nang itaas ulit ni Dad ang kamay niya, handa na sana ulit akong sampalin pero agad naagaw ang atensyon namin ni Mom.

"Oh, God!"

We looked at Mom who's in panic and fear. Nakahawak din siya sa tiyan niya na para bang anumang oras ay mababasag ito. Nang unti-unting bumaba ang tingin ko ay halos hindi ako makahinga.

"Eleanor!" agap ni Dad.

"Mom..." I was about to go near them when Dad's voice thundered.

"Don't even think about it! This is entirely your fault! When something bad happens to them, I swear to God I will never forgive you, Lu!"

Mas lalong nabasag ang puso ko. Hindi ko na magawang makagalaw mula sa kinatatayuan ko, hindi pa rin maawat ang pagbuhos ng luha. Halos manlamig ako. Wala na sana akong balak na tingnan pa ang mukha ni Mom dahil siguradong mas mawawasak ako, but I still managed to do it. Nang magsalubong ang mga mata namin ay mabilis akong yumuko, only to see the blood on the tiled floor again.

Napapikit ako. Sa pagmulat ko ay binuhat na ni Dad si Mom at nagsimulang magtawag ng tulong. Meanwhile, I didn't do anything to help. I just stared at them as they walked away from me. Ni hindi ko rin magawang marinig ng maayos ang mga sinasabi ni Dad at ng tarantang mga katulong namin na sinubukan silang alalayan.

Akala ko lumalabo lang ang paningin ko dahil sa luha pero sa pagsara ng pinto ay siya ring pagbagsak ko sa sahig. I didn't even felt anything. Nakatingin lang ako sa pintong nilabasan ng mga magulang ko.

I tried to reach for the blood on the floor since it was only inches away from me. Nanginig ang kamay ko, thinking that it was from my little baby brother in my Mom's tummy. Nang maramdaman ko iyon sa balat ko ay tuluyan na akong napahagulhol.

"I'm sorry... I'm s-sorry... I'm... sorry..." Humina ang boses ko hanggang sa unti-unting dumilim ang paningin ko.

•••

Nagising akong si Inus agad ang bumungad sa paningin ko. Bumagsak agad ang mga mata ko sa mga kamay naming magkahawak-kamay. I couldn't help but to smile even though my heart is breaking. Marahan kong hinaplos ang kamay niya bago pinasadahan ng tingin ang katawan niya papunta sa maamo niyang mukha.

The minute I laid my eyes on his face, my tears burst. Sinubukan kong pigilan ito dahil alam kong ayaw na ayaw ni Inus na makita akong ganito. Pero habang lumilipas ang bawat segundo, ang mahihina kong hikbi ay napapalitan ng hagulhol na may kasamang kirot sa dibdib.

I didn't know how long I stayed like that. Akala ko makakatulog na naman ako sa pagod at sakit pero bigla na lang akong natulala sa kawalan habang patuloy na naglalakbay ang utak ko sa mga panaginip ko. It was so vivid that I wanted to stay in it forever. But I'm afraid I can't. I still want to face reality since he's here, fighting for his life, for us, and for me.

And me?

I'm dying. Nonetheless, I can't quit remembering him in my dreams. That's the only way he can stay alive within me.

"Would you mind telling me about it?"

Napatitig lang ako sa doktor na kaharap ko, walang balak na sumagot dahil wala naman akong dapat na sabihin. I don't need anyone's help. I know I can overcome this by myself. Ilang beses ko na itong sinasabi sa kanila, lalo na kay Inus dahil alam na alam niya mismo kung ano ang nararamdaman ko at kung ano ang mga nararanasan ko.

"It's okay. You can think of me as a friend as you tell your story. I'm willing to listen to anything." The doctor smiled, which annoys me more.

Inus is right beside me, and I believe he noticed my sudden change of mood yet again. Tiningnan ko siya. He just also gave me a smile of assurance as he held my hand. That made my face soften a little. This is all his fault! How could he regard me, his girlfriend, as crazy?! He was well aware that it began when he informed me that he was ill. Then the problems kept piling up until I couldn't take it any longer. It's the ideal time for my hidden disorder to surface, especially since I'm not that good at managing my emotions and vulnerability.

I sighed. "I was a happy person. Simple things can already make my heart flutter. I'm not the type of person to dwell in the problems. Palagi ko lang silang iniiwasan. Itinutuon ko na lang sa ibang bagay at tao ang atensyon ko. It's kind of effective. It's my own way of therapy. Kaya okay na ako roon, hindi ko na ito kailangan. I just want to be calm all the time."

"Akala mo lang iyon, Ms. Gonora. You know, people do tend to use that strategy. Always. But we also need to vent it out sometimes. If we choose to keep or bottle it up inside of us, the outcome will be devastating. Mamamalayan mo na lang na unti-unti nang nagsasama ang mga problemang iyon. They're merging into one big problem, and you don't know how to avoid it any longer. You simply find yourself trapped. The more you look for that same strategy, the stronger it will feel, especially when you're alone."

Hindi ko alam na ganito pala kasakit matamaan ng mga salitang pamilyar na sa 'yo pero pinipilit mo pa ring iwasan dahil nga takot ka. You're afraid to confront it. You're afraid of hearing it because it will undoubtedly leave a mark on your heart and mind.

Napaiwas agad ako ng tingin sa doktor at mabilis na pinunasan ang luhang lumandas sa pisngi ko. Nga lang, nang magtama naman ang paningin namin ni Inus, that's when all the tears rolled down my cheeks like there's no tomorrow. Napahawak din ako sa dibdib ko dahil kahit na anong salita ay walang makakapagpaliwanag ng sakit na bumabalot sa akin ngayon.

"Sshh..." Inus wrapped his arms around me and gently tapped my back. "Huwag mong ibuhos lahat. We'll take it slowly starting today. Hindi kita hahayaang mapag-isa."

It's a disorder, but I call it an illness, the illness of choosing to stay with him until I want to. Ganoon naman talaga, hindi ba? Love is an illness. You keep on hoping for it even though there's no guarantee it'll last forever. Even though you've been hurt numerous times, you continue to see its beauty. Kasi iyon ang rason kung bakit patuloy tayong lumalaban. We don't want to lose love because we know it will also result a loss in our lives.

Tumayo ako't binigyan ng marahan na halik sa noo si Inus na apat na taon nang nakahiga sa kamang ito. He's still not showing any signs of waking up from a coma due to the surgery. Naalis nga ang tumor sa utak niya pero hindi pa rin natapos ang paghihirap niya.

Paano kaya kung 'yong panaginip ko na lang ang reyalidad? That it is I, not him, who has the brain tumor. That I, not he, should be lying in this bed. Mas malakas ako kaysa sa kanya, eh. Baka noon pa man ay gising na ako't patuloy na rin ang pagbuo namin ng mga alaala.

"I'll be back, love."

Kinuha ko ang bag ko. Naglakad agad ako papunta sa may pinto. I gave him one last look before twisting the doorknob to open it.

This needs to be fix. I'm confident I can still fix this. All I have to do now is keep trying until he wakes up.

Habang naglalakad sa mahabang hallway, kinuha ko mula sa bag ang phone ko. I checked for some messages. I was just disappointed when all I could see was about work or from my Mom and Dad. Binalik ko na lang muli sa loob ng bag ang phone ko.

I know they've been trying to mend what's been broken since I was born, but I don't think they'll be able to. I'm a product of surrogacy. They weren't really my real parents. I never found out who the embryo donor and the woman who gave birth to me were. I was left in the dark because my supposedly parents killed them. Kaya kahit isang beses, we never had the chance to form a bond as a happy, complete family. I knew it was all a ruse. Dahil simula nang isampal nila sa akin ang totoo, tuluyan na rin akong nawalan ng lakas para buoin ang pamilyang sila mismo ang wumawasak.

I miss the life I used to have. Iyong mga araw at gabi na puno ng masasarap na tawanan at samahan kasama ang mga kaibigan ko. Iyong mga oras na bulag pa ako sa mga katotohanang tinatago ng mga magulang ko, na wala akong ibang nakikita kundi pagmamahal at pag-aalaga. Iyong mga sandaling nagsisimula palang ang relasyon namin ni Inus kung hindi pa ako ang nagtanong kung puwede ko ba siyang maging boyfriend.

Yes, I was the one who asked Inus out on a date. Masyadong pakipot na akala mo siya ang babae sa amin. But I didn't gave up, though. Talagang kinulit ko siya hanggang sa siya naman ang mangulit sa akin. Wala eh, nagustuhan ko na agad siya simula palang ng mga bata kami. Oo, he's my childhood crush, now my boyfriend, and soon to be my husband. Nagkaroon lang kami ng interaksiyon nang ipakilala siya sa akin ni Sas.

It's a funny talk. Sas had no idea I knew him since we were young. Kaya sino ba naman ako para tumanggi pa when I waited long for that kind of opportunity to come? But it also surprised me to learn that he knew who I was. Perhaps it was because I continued to stalk him at that time. But he only admitted to me when we became official that he also likes me back then. I drew his attention daw. Aren't I lucky? It's mutual!

Pinatunog ko ang sasakyan. Pumasok ako sa loob. I fastened my seatbelt and turned on the engine. Ni minsan ay hindi ko nakalimutan ang mga munting alaala na iyon. I chose to remember them for as long as I possibly could. Hindi ko namalayan na maging sa panaginip ay nabubuhay iyon. Nga lang, what happens in my dreams is the opposite of what happens in real life. It's the product of my deepest fear.