André

Twenty hours ago...

I sat at the hotel lobby, hoping to get a glimpse of Charles. Ever since that day she told me na ayaw na niya akong maging kaibigan, I distanced myself from her.

Kahit na ayaw ko siyang layuan, I had to... because I wanted to respect what she wanted.

Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan ko kayang iwasan si Charles. I was happy being friends with her, even though I wanted more. But, now that she officially cut me off her life, I was craving for her more.

"André!" I heard Olivia's voice approaching, so I stood up from my seat, meeting her.

"Livie," I greeted her with a gentle tap on her head.

"Are you sure hindi ka magsasawa sa akin kapag lagi kang bumibisita dito sa hotel?" She teased.

I stifled a chuckle. "Don't pretend that you hate my presence here everyday."

She pushed me by the shoulder. "You're so full of yourself!"

I smirked. "That is why you love me."

"Anyway, let's go. I have a surprise for you," she mentioned in excitement, clinging her arm on mine.

Sinundan ko lang siya, until we reached inside the restaurant. "What's the surprise? Ikaw na ba ang magpo-propose sa akin?"

"No way!" She retorted.

I chuckled as we continued to march our way inside. Just then, my eyes stopped on a familiar woman sitting on the corner of the room. Her red lips immediately rose up when she saw me looking at her.

I wanted to turn around and run, but Olivia was holding my arm, so I couldn't let go.

"Surprise! Your mommy is here," Olivia exclaimed when we reached the table of the woman in a black bodycon dress.

"Hello, baby boy," the woman greeted, her cat-like eyes not leaving mine.

I willed myself to look down, avoiding her wicked stare. "L-Livie... what is this?" I muttered to the girl next to me. My blood was starting to boil inside.

"André, aren't you happy to see your mom?" Olivia asked.

Clenching my jaw, I removed her grip on my arm. "You don't know what you're doing, Livie."

"Baby boy, I know you're stunned to see me. Come, sit," the woman ordered.

I shook my head, still not looking at her. "I'm not staying here."

"But, André!" I heard Olivia stopping me, but I already turned my back at them, walking away.

I could feel myself convulsing with every step I took. I needed air to breathe.

Instead of going to the parking lot, dumiretso ako sa elevator kung saan nakita ko si Charles na pumasok. Maybe if I could just see her for a bit, I would calm down.

Tahimik akong pumasok sa elevator. We were the only ones inside now. I tried looking at her, but I couldn't. My heartbeat was still racing because of that trigger in my head.

"A-André? AAnong floor ka?" I heard Charles asking me.

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Only heavy breaths and short sighs.

Fuck, don't make me relieve those memories again, I cursed myself.

Charles stepped out of the elevator when it stopped on her floor. I wanted to reach out to her, but I didn't want to involve her with my past trauma.

I thought I was healed. But, I was wrong. I was still broken inside and nothing could seem to fix it.

Maybe I was a hopeless case. Maybe I was really meant to be alone.

The next thing I knew, it was already morning. I stayed up all night here at the rooftop of the hotel, battling with the monsters in my head.

My body was literally tired and weak that I found myself lying down the wooden bench. Just then, I heard the door creaking open. Someone must've came out here to get some fresh air.

I waited for the person to approach me, until I saw a familiar figure coming my way. To my surprise, it was Charles who came walking towards my direction. I quickly closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep.

"Maglilinis ka ba dito?" I asked, trying to initiate a conversation with her. My heart felt at ease for a moment, just seeing her face here today.

"Gising ka?" She asked back.

I fixed myself up on the bench, looking at her almond eyes. "Papaalisin mo rin ba ako dito?"

She paused. "Hinahanap ka nina Koleen. Hindi ka raw sumasagot sa kanila."

"Oh, nahanap mo na ako. You can leave now," I muttered and I immediately regretted it in that same second. Of course, I wanted her to stay here with me.

She exhaled a breath. "Bakit ka ba nandito? Bakit hindi ka umuwi kagabi?"

The way she was asking me sounded as if she was concerned about me, but of course, I knew that wasn't the case. "Bakit ko sasabihin sa'yo? Hindi naman tayo magkaibigan."

She didn't answer me. I knew I was right. She wasn't concerned about me. She just happened to be here.

"Just leave, Charles," I begged. I didn't want her seeing me like this.

"Alam kong sinabi kong ayaw na kitang maging kaibigan, pero, André, pwede mo pa rin naman akong kausapin."

I shook my head, forcing a chuckle. Is she serious right now? "Charles, can you make up your mind? Do you want me to stay or do you want me away from your life? Because I'm fucking sick and tired of this."

Again, I regretted lashing out on her. I am such an asshole!

"Siguro nga mas mabuting hindi ako pumunta dito. Hintayin mo nalang ang mga kaibigan mo. Parating na sila."

The moment she walked away from me, I wanted to chase after her, take back the words I just told her and just confess to her.

But, it was even more complicated now that the wicked woman was back. I would rather Charles hate me than drag her into my life right now.

"André!" Olivia's voice reached my ears as soon as Charles disappeared.

Guilt was still reigning over me. But, I had to do it. Charles deserved so much more than what I could offer.

"André, what's wrong? Are you okay? Is it because of your mom yesterday?" Olivia bombarded me with questions.

Shaking my head, I flashed her a fake smile. "I'm okay, Livie."

She sat next to me, seemingly not convinced with my answer. "Really? So, why are you here then? Is it because of the engagement? I already told you, André, we don't have to push through."

I tapped her head lightly. "Livie, stop stressing out. I just came here to chill."

She sighed, crossing her arms over her chest. "Fine. If that's what you say, I'll believe you."

I let out a faint chuckle. "Thank you."

"But, hindi pa naman nagbabago ang isip mo? Regarding our engagement?"

"Why would you think that?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Naisip ko lang... are we really going to get married if we don't love each other?"

"Are you sure you don't love me?" I half-teased.

She rolled her eyes at me. "I might have had a crush on you, but it's definitely not love yet."

"Fair enough," I answered, feeling a gush of cold air hitting my skin. Turning to Olivia, I saw her rubbing her arms, so I took my jacket and placed it over her shoulders.

"Stop doing this or I'll seriously fall in love with you," Olivia mumbled and I just smiled at her.

"Alexandré!" Someone called out, rushing towards our direction. I noticed a familiar girl panting and glaring at me as she approached. She was also with two guys whom I awfully knew too well.

"Ah, my dear friends, nahanap niyo rin ako," I stated, trying to play nonchalant about this whole thing.

"Nag-alala kami sayo tapos nandito ka lang pala," Koleen nagged as usual.

I stood up from my seat, messing her hair with my hand. "I'm here now. Okay na?"

"Hinahanap ka ng mommy mo, dre," Logan mentioned.

The smile on my lips faded. "Tell her I don't want to see her."

"Did something happen between you and your mom, André?" Jale asked in a serious tone. He instinctively sensed that something was wrong with me.

"Nothing," I forced a chuckle out of my mouth. "Nothing happened."

That same day, I was back in the penthouse. Wala akong planong umuwi kung hindi lang ako pinilit ng mga kaibigan ko. They could be really convincing... or rather, annoying sometimes.

Dahil buong magdamag akong gising kagabi, agad akong nakatulog sa kama pagkarating ko sa kwarto.

The only time I could get a quality sleep was when I was wearing the CPAP machine, which I had here in my room. Otherwise, hindi nalang ako natutulog because I was scared that I might just not wake up again.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras akong nakatulog, but the moment I woke up, I was greeted by a face of a woman I never wanted to see ever. She was wearing a bright red tight dress matching her lips.

"My baby boy, are you awake now?" The woman flashed me a smile I once believed was harmless... but she was far from that.

"What the fuck?" I gasped in shock.

Fixing myself up in bed, I removed the CPAP mask over my nose and shoved the woman who was sitting next to me.

"What are you doing here? Stay the fuck away from me!" I growled.

She laughed - her usual menacing laugh. "Still got a sharp tongue, I see."

"Leave or I'll call security!" I threatened.

"And what will you tell them, huh? That your mommy came and visited you here?"

"That you..." I paused, gritting my teeth. "That you're a crazy woman!" I shouted at her face.

Her laughter grew louder, filling the corners of my room. "Who do you think is the crazy one here right now? I don't think that's me, baby boy," she sneered.

My hands were shaking, but I managed to clench them in offensive position. "Shut the fuck up!"

The woman leaned closer to my face. I wanted to push her away, but I couldn't. I couldn't move an inch.

Her lips touched my cheek, leaving a wet mark before she stood up. "Ah, you've grown so much, baby boy. I'm so proud of you."

When she finally left my room, I was catching my breath in milliseconds. I couldn't breathe properly as if my lungs just collapsed on their own.

Everything around me was spinning, so I had to hold my head with both hands to steady myself.

Fuck. I can't breathe.

I was screaming inside, but nothing was coming out of my mouth. It had always been like this.

I didn't know how I managed to live my life after all that happened. No one knew what I'd been through... only my younger brother, who couldn't even speak for me anymore because he was already dead.

I told myself that I was fine. I wouldn't kill myself. I wouldn't let that woman win. Because I always win.

But, this time, I wasn't sure if I would.

#

"Baby Axe, come here! I will give you a bath!"

"But mommy, I can shower on my own!"

"No, come here or else I won't let you drive your electric car again!"

"Okay, mommy!"

"We'll take our clothes off and then we'll play, okay?"

"What will we play, mommy?"

"I will say a part of your body and then I will touch it. You can touch mine too. Are you ready?"

"Yes, mommy!"

"Now where is my navel?"

"Navel? What's that?"

"My belly button, silly! Now touch it!'

"Ah, this one, mommy!"

"Yes, very good!'

"Now, where is my chest?"

"Chest? Is it this one, mommy?"

"Ahhh, yes, you can touch both of them, baby!"

"Like this, mommy?"

"Now, I will touch your genitals, baby. Do you like it?"

"Wait, mommy, that's ticklish."

"Sshh, don't move, baby. Just stay still."

"Mommy, stop it. You're hurting me."

"André..."

"André?" Someone was looking for me. Mahina ang boses na naririnig ko, but I was pretty sure someone was calling out to me.

I was gasping for air, my heart beating hundred beats per minute.

Fuck, my lungs were still drowning.

I stayed on my position. Nakaupo lang ako sa bathroom floor habang nakabukas ang shower head. I forgot how long I had been here, soaking myself with water to hide the tears running down my cheeks.

"André!" Minutes later, that someone finally found me, crashing into my comfort room. "What the hell are you doing here?"

I recognized Jale's voice as he turned off the knob of the shower. He wrapped me with a towel, helping me stand up, which I couldn't do on my own.

"André, are you okay? What happened?" Jale asked as we walked out of the bathroom. "Sorry I had to come in. Konstant asked me to check on you. It's good that I did."

I wanted to say something, but I couldn't. Naiwan ang utak ko sa madilim na alaalang sumagi sa aking isip.

"Hey, talk to me," Jale tapped my back, encouraging me to speak.

But, I was still dead silent. Or maybe I was already dead...

"André, is this about your mom? She came to see you here, right?" Jale finally mentioned that word again.

Mom... someone I had always held close to my heart, someone I had always loved. But, a certain woman just had to ruin that for me.

"André, I'll take you to the hospital," Jale offered, taking my arm.

"Don't touch me!" I instinctively shoved his hands away from me.

"Okay, I won't touch you. But, please talk to me, André. Maybe I can help."

I slowly shook my head. "N-Nothing... can fix me, Jale," I finally muttered in a low voice.

He gestured me to sit down on the bed as he sat next to me. "You're right. Nothing can fix a person. But, we can always choose to fight it with the people we love, or we can choose to live miserably for the rest of our lives alone."

"What if... no one wants to fight with me?" I questioned myself, staring into space.

"André, you have friends who will conquer hell for you," he tried convincing me.

"What if... the person I want to be with doesn't want the real me?" I asked again, still looking down the floor.

"And who is the real you, André?" Jale asked this time.

I pressed my lips, swallowing hard. "Someone broken in the head and in the heart."

"André, only you can fix yourself if you allow it. Take it from someone who's been in and out of rehab for years," he reminded me.

I heaved a sigh. "What if... she pushes me away more?"

"Who?"

"Charles."

Jale tapped my back lightly. "The André I know won't let that happen. You always win, right?"

Clenching my fists, I slowly nodded. "I always win."

The next few weeks, I spent my days in and out of a psychiatrist's consultation room with Jale's help.

It was a battle between myself and I. I used to refuse any help because I never thought I needed such help. I always thought I could just overcome those dark memories in my head.

For years, I tried to avoid getting diagnosed and here I was, finally labeled as having Anxiety Disorder, Depression and PTSD. On top of that, I also had to deal with my sleep apnea.

I tried to divert my trauma into other things. I wore a mask over my face to cover my scars.

No one had to know about what happened. And yet, here I was, taking small steps toward a recovery I never knew I needed.

"Alexandré, I want you to write a letter to someone whom you wanted to talk to, but couldn't do so in person," Dr. Stephanie Jaffer, my psychiatrist advised me one day.

Sa lahat ng mga pinagawa ni doc sa akin sa therapy, this was the worst.

Buong araw akong nakatutok sa isang blank white bond paper. Hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan ang letter. Hell, I was bad at this thing.

Forcing my hand to write, I tried scribbling the words from my head again.

After almost twenty four hours, I finished the damn letter. Hindi ko alam kung babasahin ito ni dad. He might not even read it. I just wasted my time writing this crap only to be tossed in the bin.

But, this was the only way I could tell my truth to him... because of course, I wouldn't be able to say these words to his face. It was embarrassing enough how I managed to live my life through it.

Before I decided to fold this letter and send it to my father's postal address in France, naisip kong basahin ito sa harap ng mga kaibigan ko... the only people I trusted more than my real family.

I wondered how they would react if they finally knew my past. Would they think lowly of me? Would they laugh at me? Or would they cry with me?

"Ano, Dré? Nakatulog ka ba kagabi?" Logan asked me when I came out of my room that day.

I nodded at him, clutching the piece of paper on my hand. "Nandito na ba kayong lahat?"

"We're here, André," Jale spoke from somewhere.

Naglakad ako papunta sa living room at nakita kong magkasama sina Jale at Koleen. Umupo na rin si Logan sa sofa habang hawak ang cellphone niya at nakatutok sa akin. That's when I realized that Kell's face was watching me from his screen. Alam kong nasa States pa siya ngayon para sa recovery niya, but he still managed to video call us.

I let out a long breath, holding the paper infront of me.

"André, aalis ka na ba? Babalik ka na ba ng France?" Koleen asked, making me turn to her. She looked worried, so I suddenly wanted to tease her.

I smirked. "Why? Ma-mi-miss mo ako?"

"Seryoso na nga!" she whined.

I swallowed hard, turning back to the paper on my hand. "Just recently, I've been seeing a psychiatrist..." I started to speak.

"Kaya pala lagi kayong magkasama netong si Jalen!" Koleen tapped her boyfriend's hand.

"Dré, huwag mong sabihing bipolar ka rin?" Logan commented.

I threw him a look. "No, hindi ako bipolar. May Multiple Personality Disorder ako."

"What?" Kell's voice echoed through the phone speaker.

"André, hindi ka na nakakatawa," Koleen stated with a frown on her face.

I chuckled, enjoying their confused and unamused faces.

"André, just read your letter," Jale ordered.

"Fine. I wrote a letter to my dad because my psychiatrist advised me to write one and address it to someone I want to share everything with, but couldn't do so..." I paused again, letting out a cough before finally reading the letter out loud.

Hey Dad,

I'm writing this letter to you because I can't possibly say these words while looking at your judging eyes. It's embarrassing enough to be writing this letter, but my psychiatrist advised me to do so, so here it goes...

I was only three when mom died. I was very young and I had vague memories of her. But, I remembered her smile and her soothing voice everytime she sang me and my brothers to sleep.

You were always away after that, leaving the kids by themselves. We were those kids. We were just kids.

You had multiple affairs with different women almost every week... until you settled with a certain woman. I'm sure you know who I'm talking about because you're still with her until now.

That woman is the reason why I'm writing this letter to you. I bet you have no idea how she was sneaking into my room at night and touching me in places I never wanted to be touched especially as a kid...

Yes, you read that right. She was abusing me physically... sexually.

For years, I didn't even know that what she was doing was wrong. I didn't tell anyone. I couldn't. I was too scared and embarrassed and weak.

I wanted to kill myself everyday since then, but I kept on thinking about my brothers. My older brothers were away for college. If I'm not there, who will take care of the younger ones?

I'm not blaming you, dad. I'm just blaming myself because I was too weak. Even now, I'm still weak... but I'm choosing to fix myself before it's too late.

If there's one thing I'm thankful for that you did, it was that time you left me here in the Philippines under the care of Grandpapa. I was happy that I was finally free from that woman.

I don't know if you will actually read this, but if you did, thank you.

Your Third Son,

Alexandré Deux Laurent

"So, what do you think?" I asked my friends after reading the letter as I forced a smile on my face.

"Dré..." Logan mumbled, just staring at me. Walang expression ang mukha niya.

Kell was just silent from the other end of the line. I couldn't tell if he was frozen due to shock or because of his post-comatose condition.

"Thank you for trusting us, André," Jale stated, nodding at me as if telling me that I did a good job letting those words out of my mouth for the first time.

"André, sorry..." Koleen was the last one who spoke, standing up from her seat. She moved closer to me and gave me a tight hug - the kind that I needed right now.

A tear escaped from my eye. "Fuck! I love you, guys!"

At least, I knew that these four people would never judge my existence.

Now, I just had to tell it to that one person I was most ashamed to speak my truth...