< Trigger warning >
< Soft schemexy scene >

The Berg had landed in Safe Haven days ago, maybe even a few weeks. Jina hadn't seen it yet. She was terrified of leaving. The trip in the Berg took a while and she refused to leave the medical bay. When the Berg landed, every one tried to encourage her to leave until David stepped in and said she could stay until she was ready.

If she wasn't asleep or sitting in the shower she sat in the corner knees pulled up staring at Thomas's heart monitor. The steady beeping of the monitor kept her focused. Her anxiety would spike when the spike would drop then ease off when it went back up and it beeped. And then her anxiety would rise as it went down and it was quiet. It was a cycle over and over. She would have heated whispered arguments with herself as she sat huddled in the corner.

Diana Crawford had found a journal and pen and told her it would help. And she wrote. She wrote everything, she had all her memories; from memories of her time in WICKED, the maintenance meetings and sneaking around, her time with Thomas and Aris, the purge, she wrote about memories in the Glenn and wild fire nights, she wrote the wild ramblings of the voices. She also wrote about her time in the padded room and the nightmares and beatings and torture she endured, she also wrote about the constant nightmares and fears, her struggles and hurts. It was all random and jumbled together, like the way her brain was; a mess.

At some point the medical team moved Thomas from the Berg to a small building on the island. Sonya and Teresa had come with her as she slowly walked down the ramp.

"It's too bright, Precious! My eyes! It burns us!" She slapped her hands over her eyes and wailed.
"Don't be so fucken' dramatic!"
"Sun and sunshine feels nice."
"Yes yes, Precious, but we's is hasn't been seeing the sunshine in forevers."
"Four months. Two weeks and one day. But who's counting?"
"You are dumb dumb."

"Can I interject?" Sonya asked.

"What is Blondie wanting to says to us, Precious?"

Sonya handed her something.

"What is it?"
"I don't know, Precious."
"Shut up stupid." 

"You talking to me?" 

"No! No no no. We's s not telling Blondie to shuts up."
"I am!" 
"Shut up!" 
"No! You shut up!" 
"I told you first!" 

"Sunglasses." Sonya cut into her argument, with a small smirk.  "Your buggen' eyeballs won't feel like melting. Try 'em."

It helped. Sonya and Teresa led her down the ramp and onto the sandy beach. Jina saw white soft sand and clear blue water lapping against the sand. Further up into the shelter of the huge trees cabins and huts and things had been set up. Tents were pitched. It was the beginning of a settlement. It was a mix of what they found on the island and what they had packed and what was scrounged back on the mainland. People were everywhere. Hammers banged, things as slammed and thumped, people shouted and laughed. But Jina's heart sank.

"It's too much." She whispered. "Too loud. Too bright. Too many people. It's too much!"

She felt the heat rising inside her, her palms were sweaty, her legs became numb and her chest was heavy. The harder she tried to calm down the harder it was to breathe. The title wave of madness was rising. She could feel it swelling inside of her. And it was going to crash down any moment.

Run. The voices whispered. Before you hurt someone. Run.

She spun on her heel and took off. Away from the sounds and away from the people, away from triggers and danger. She ran blind, having no idea where she was or what was here. She ran until it was quiet and then sunk down, pressing her hands to her ears and letting the hysterical laughter out as tears rolled down her face.

"We is never getting better, Precious. Whose is we kidding."
"Never never never."
"I want stars. I want kisses. I want Tommy."
"You's is fucked in the head, Precious. We is safe and he can have not fucked in the head person."
"Yes... Dumb dumb tells the truth. Our Tommy is going to be sick of us soon."

Jina sobbed and thrashed her head, struggling with the voices. They whispered and argued and Jina sobbed for them to be quiet and leave. She finally got angry and slammed her head into the tree beside her, just to make the voices quiet. It worked. She knocked herself out. 

It took a long time for the others to find her. David saw her crumpled form, blood matted her hair. He rushed over and gently picked her up and carried her back to the settlement. Diana cleaned her up and they waited for her to wake up to show her that they had made her her own little hut, it was away from the business of the settlement.  

< • >

The truth was, though, no one quite knew what to do with Jina now that the war against WICKED was over, now that there was no fighting to get her back or full medical facility for her, Jina didn't know what to do with herself either. Safe Haven didn't have the proper training for her extreme mental health needs. Doctor Mary and Doctor Diana- which she insisted on being called now- they were doctors and not psychologists, and just doing their best. And Jina would instantly revert back to the voices if the word Psyche was mentioned. They took turns trying to meet with her for talks. They told her all about the going on in the settlement. Jina refused to go into the settlement. She sat in her hut or in the small patch of trees right behind her hut, alone. She watched from afar, trying to keep her anxiety down, wishing to be okay to go. But the thought of being with that many people made her shake, tremble and feel like throwing up. 

Sonya, Taylor, and Teresa were the main people to come visit her. Flossie and the other girls came when they were free, but didn't stay long. Flossie, and Flo had been working in the kitchen with Frypan. Jill and Clint were working with Doctor Mary, Diana and Hans. Minho did come by every once in a while, but Jina could tell he was more uncomfortable than the rest. He would deny it, but Jina and the voices could see the way he fidgeted or sat stiff and tense, glanced at the door and avoided her eye. 

The others brought news of how Thomas was doing. He was getting better, he was awake now, but didn't stay awake much. He asked about her. Jina couldn't work her self up to go. The Medical cabin was in the middle of the settlement and that meant going where the noise and crowds were. So she stayed, hidden in her hut, hating herself, and arguing with the voices, slamming her head and crying.

During one "talk" (they didn't call it a session or anything, avoiding the same terms as the WICKED Psyches used on her.) Diana and David told her about the new people they were training.

"Is we, Precious, preparing for another wars, Just Dave Now?" 
"They must be...training young little soldiers."
"Nasty little brainwashed minions, Precious, to shoots those loud guns and kills them all dead dead dead."

"No, Jina, not soldiers. Protectors." David said calmly, "we're in that sweet period where everyone agrees that our recent horrors should never be repeated. But collective thinking is usually short-lived. We're fickle, stupid beings with poor memories and a great gift for self-destruction, when too many people with dreams of grandeur, they get power hungry and forget the general population are human. And that if your solution to help is ultimately to hurt harm and cause destruction...we have problems, and that's when we need people to help protect those who can't do it for themselves. Although who knows? Maybe this will be it."

"What will be it, Precious?"

"The time it sticks, my Reindeer. Maybe we are witnessing the evolution of the human race." 

"Maybe." 

Jina shrugged and retreated to the corner in a ball, her forehead pressed into her knees. The conversation is too much. Too much noise again. Too much talking. David and Diana left with a sigh, with the promises of bringing food. She pulled her head away, looking around her small and now empty hut, the heaviness in her body she figured out was sadness. Jina honestly didn't know what to do with herself, there was no one around trying to hurt her or harm her, poison her, hunt her... she didn't know what her next move was. But she sat, staring at the door, seeming to be waiting for something.

"What's wrong with us, Precious?" 
"We is fucked in the head. We knows this."
"I don't want to be anymore. I want to be all better." 
"Well, that nots not going to be happening Precious. You is stuck with us for ever and ever." 

Jina laughed at herself sadly. The tears slid down her face. She was tired. So tired of being sick and scared. She was sick of fighting. Her nightmares were constant. She felt like she was drowning in her own mind. She tried. She wanted to get better, she remembered laughing with friends. She remembered sweet stollen kisses with Thomas. Secrets with Aris and Rachel. She membered teasing with Minho. But now, she sat in the corner of a room alone and argued with herself until she smashed her head or she was laughing and crying so loudly someone had to come  check up on her. This time was no different. It started as a sad laugh of pity and it turned into wild sobs of despair. 

"Jina, Hun. Why are you crying?" 

Jina jerked her head up, tears still wet on her face, she saw the blurry outline of Thomas. He looked pale, and kind of sweaty, but he was in her doorway. 

"I'm drowning in my own head and I can't find my way back." She whispered. 

Thomas slowly walked over and sat down, leaning against the wall. He held an arm out and she very very hesitantly crawled over. 

"You don't look very good." 

"I look great for being shot, thank you." 

A small smile formed an her face. "Does Doctor Diana know you left?" 

"She does. I had enough laying around." 

The rest of the afternoon Jina sat beside Thomas, her head on his shoulder. He slowly shifted and slid his hand into hers and they just sat for the first time without the threat of dying around them. Thomas eventually fell asleep, his body still trying to heal.

< • >

The voices came and went. Jina struggled with the heaviness and sadness and the madness. Nightmares were constant. Waking up crying and screaming. Many times she would wake to the violent voices screaming trying to find Janson and the old Psyche. Thomas would come every day. He was getting better. Sometimes they would sit in silence, sometimes they would talk. He would visit with the voices sometimes. They would sit and watch the waves lap at the sand or late into the night they would watch the stars. Jina slowly became slightly more comfortable with physical touch. She slowly laid her head on his shoulder and then his chest, listening to the thumping of his heart, he would gently play with her hair. Eventually he slowly leaned down and kissed her softly. 

He had a rule, though, if the other voices were there he wouldn't be intimate with her- though they had never gone as far as the one night in the scorch- that was a one time only thing. He would hold her hand and cuddle her, but he refused to kiss her, when she couldn't control it. Her rational side understood. But it added to another layer of her self loathing. She kept that part of herself hidden, as best she could. She hated herself. So much. She hated being broken and hated being sick. She hated feeling stuck and downing in her own mind and body. The few people kept coming to visit, the routines became normal, but Jina watched as others healed and got over trauma and injures. Jina would cry at night because the voices constantly whispered to her. She realized she would never be the same, she would always be like this. 

The next month she woke from another nightmare and lay panting and crying. She couldn't keep doing this. She was exhausted. The voices were quiet though. She was alone in her own mind. She knew. She got up, running a shaking hand through her hair. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. Once her heart rate wasn't so fast it hurt, she got up and changed out her sweaty clothes and slowly slipped out into the night. 

She knocked on the door. It only took a second for the door to open, Thomas's sleep brown eyes looked at her for a second. He didn't have a shirt on, and his sweat pants sat low on his hips, his sleepy brown eyes looked at her in confusion for a second. He was cute with his messy bed head.

"Jina?" 

"Thomas..." 

"Is everything okay?" He asked, throwing the door wide open, and looking around. But she stood calmly, looking up at him. 

"Ya, everything is fine. Woke from a night mare...I needed...someone." 

"Ya..ya." He rubbed his eyes, trying to get the sleep from them out. "Of course, hun. Come on." He stepped back and let her slip in. She turned and wrapped her arms around him, placing her head on his chest, her ear pressed to his chest to hear the steady heartbeat. She felt his arms loop around her protectively. 

"Ji?" His voice was deep and gravely from sleep and made her heart flutter. 

"Ya?" She whispered. 

"Is it just you?" 

She looked up at him, he was frowning slightly down at her. She looked into his eyes and gave him a small sad smile. "Ya, Tommy. Just me." 

He slid his hands up her arms and cupped her face. His thumbs rubbed the side of her face. 

"I love you Jina." 

"I know Thomas..." She whispered. "And I love you too. And I'm sorry I keep hurting you." 

"You're not-"

She placed her fingers over is lips, softly. "I am, though. Just because I don't attack you like I used to, doesn't mean I'm not hurting you. Not all wounds are visible."  She said quietly, running her fingers softly over the scar of the gun shot. It had healed, but it was now a white puckered scar. She felt his body shiver, and his breath fanned her face. She looked up at him, looking back into his eyes. She could see his eyes darken just a little. 

"Healing takes time, Ji. Be patient...please." 

"It's been six months. I haven't left my hut. I can't handle a conversation longer then half an hour before I freak out." 

He leaned down and kissed her forehead gently. 

"I'm tired Tommy. I'm so tired of struggling." 

He slowly kissed down to her temples and her cheeks. She slowly turned her head and caught his lips. They both sucked in a sharp breath. She froze for a second, and then he pulled her closer. She melted into him. A hand sliding to the back of her head, his fingers buried in her hair. They kissed hesitantly and he was gentle and slow. It wasn't rushed or forced. Jina savored this kiss. Her hands slid up his back. He slowly broke their kiss and placed his forehead on hers. His nose brushed hers. Their breath mixed, Jian kept her eyes closed, not wanting to come back. 

"Jina?" He whispered, his voice was gravely. 

"Tommy?" She squeaked. 

"Still just you?" 

She hummed. The voices were quiet. They never truly left her, but they were in back corners in the shadows of her mind, letting her have this one time. 

"Can you look at me?" 

Jina opened her eyes and looked up at him, he searched her eyes. 

"I want to kiss you..." he whispered in that deep gravelly voice that made her tummy flutter.

She pushed up on her toes and gently brushed her lips against his. "Me too." She whispered. And she meant it. She wanted all of Thomas. A good memory. Something to hold onto. 

Their night was long and slow and gentle. They kissed every inch of skin, slowly building up to ride the wild high until they went right into the next time. Thomas was gentle and soft. She held onto him tightly, watching his face and his eyes, how they darkened, but softened, how his lips turned down slightly, how his eyes lit up when he smiled when she made a soft sound. How his hands were warm, and callused, but still gentle and kind. She gripped onto the feelings he aroused inside of her body. How he could keep her riding on that high, how he could keep building her up, each and every time. They were lost in each other. They tangled around each other finally having snuggled up beside each other, panting wildly. Thomas had his head resting on her chest, running his fingers over her bare stomach, making her break out in goosebumps and she ran her fingers through his hair. They lay together until their heartrates slowed down and the wild after feelings slowly faded. 

"Tommy, will you come watch the stars with me?" 

"Okay, Honey..." He mumbled. He could hardly keep his eyes open. She smiled softly at him, They got up and got dressed, Thomas pulled the blanket off the bed and they went outside to the beach. Thomas lay down, Jina beside him. 

She watched the big bright stars flicker and twinkle. She remembered how Thomas told her he wanted to capture the stars and put them in a jar for her. That was how she felt, she realized. She felt stuck in a jar, slowly fading, trapped away, suffocating and dying out. She turned her head and watched Thomas, he had fallen asleep fairly quickly. He was like the sun, big bright, drawing everyone towards him, bringing out the best in everyone. He grew bigger and brighter, while she grew dimmer and faded. She placed a hand on his heart. She smiled down at him. Tears blurred her vision. 

"It is times now, Precious." 
"I know. Let me say good bye, please." 

She sat for a moment longer then finally kissed his forehead and got up. She went back to her hut and grabbed the stack of letters she had written over the last month and her journal. In the sane moments she had written a letter to everyone. On her way back out, she saw some little bugs that glowed, she watched them flutter and glow. She took one of the jars in her room that held some random stuff, she dumped it out and went back out to the little bugs. She slowly caught a few. She smiled. She caught some stars for Tommy. With the stack of letters, her journal and the jar of Star Bugs she placed them on his night stand. He would find them. He would be okay. He would mourn. He would be angry. But he would be okay. He would heal from this too. Jina was fading. She was done fighting. 

She turned and left for the last time. Returning to her hut on the outskirts of the new population of humanity. She closed the door and went to her bed, curling up laying on her bed, with the memory of her and Thomas floating in her mind she smiled. 

"Good bye, Precious. We is finally going to be free."
"No more nightmares. No more sadness. No more fighting.."
"No more invisible chains. No more drowning in the madness."

 She sang one last time. It was quiet, but it was for her, sweet and haunting.

"Are you, are you...Coming to the tree? Where I told you to run, so we'd both be free. Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be. If we met at midnight in the hanging tree

Jina took the handful of pills she had stollen a few nights ago. She slowly faded from the world but she was smiling. She could finally truly be free. 

< • > 

< I want to say that if this is triggering please accept my apologies. I also want to say I don't want to glorify this in any way. I want you to know there is help and resources. We live in a harsh world, but THERE IS HELP. And if you feel like you need help. Please please reach out to someone. Seek the help and the resources. The world is better with you in it. >