"The rules to this game are simple, but that's how I like it. You're going to have so much fun!"

I looked behind me to catch a glimpse at who exactly was going to be having fun in this circus from hell (also known as the circus). With no lunatics in sight, I turned my attention back to the woman who made the Mad hatter look a bit eccentric. Penny strutted happily in front of us. Hell, she was practically skipping as she led us through the twisting maze of moss-coated corridors and excitedly explained how we might just survive this.

"All you have to do is climb to the top of a tower within an hour to claim your prize."

"That doesn't sound so bad," Sheira whispered.

From my right, I could almost hear Shadow rolling his eyes. "Wait for it," he muttered.

So we did, and Penny was all too happy to fill us in on the grisly details. "Of course, I don't want things to be too easy. That's why the tower will spin and get faster every ten minutes. By the time the game ends, you'll be travelling at around sixty rpm."

I almost choked on my own spit. That might not sound like a lot, most drills go at about two thousand rpm, but drills don't have, you know, blood and organs and a very fragile and squishy brain. For reference, that's about five to 8 G's. Unless your name is Tom Cruise, that's more than enough to kill you.

Sheira seemed to think that as well. "But that'll kill us in five minutes!"

"All the more reason to get to the top, then," Penny said with a shrug. She came to a stop in front of an ornate wooden door. No prizes for guessing what horrors lurked behind there. She turned to us, hands on hips and grinning in a way that she must have thought looked friendly. Her razor-sharp teeth were somewhat spoiling the performance. "One other thing you won't be able to shadowwalk or tower up and avoid all the minigames. Oh no, that would be cheating, and you know how I feel about that. There are barriers between each floor; they'll block each level, so don't be tempted to find a shortcut."

Barriers, eh? If we couldn't go up, then surely we couldn't go down. "So it stops us from falling as well?" I said hopefully.

Penny giggled, her teeth almost gnashing together. "Oh, I never said that."

"So what happens if we fall?" Sheira asked.

"Well," Penny sighed, "if the impact doesn't kill you, then the toxic gas rising from the ground will. Oh, did I forget to mention that?"

You've got to be freaking kidding me. "Are you serious?" I asked.

She nodded happily. "Oh yes. Wonderful stuff. It is derived from the oleander plant. A quick dip won't do too much damage, but if you fancy a nice long soak...well, you'll be dead in a minute. It won't stop rising until it covers the entire tower, so don't dawdle."

"All the more reason to get this over with quickly then," Sheira hissed.

Part of my brain was frantically agreeing with her, but the other half, where my anxiety had burrowed into and was refusing to leave, was screeching about how all the ways we were going to die. All it needed now was a sandwich board and a bell. But for once, its nonsensical screaming wasn't all that, well, nonsensical. It had a point.

My ribs were still basically broken. My entire body was in agony, I'd been in constant pain for four days, and since I'd woken up, I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. Like I was teetering on the edge of a panic attack. And to top it all off, my first line of defence against the Infernal Fire was about to go up in smoke. If this was what it was like now, then what the hell was it going to be like once it dug its claws into me?

I wished we'd be able to reach the Rift before we found out, but I had a funny feeling it wasn't going to work that way.

Without further ado or waiting for us to frantically beg for our lives, with a click and a flash of green light, the doors to the arena swung open. Penny stood to the side, sweeping her hand grandly so we could take in awe what was before us. As much as I hate to admit it, it was equal parts cool and terrifying as I reminded myself that this might be the last thing we saw before we died.

I'm not sure what I was expecting to be honest. When she said tower, I was half expecting some titchy thing that the Crystal Maze might wheel out, albeit not made of Styrofoam and cardboard. What we got instead was the tower of Babylon. You ever seen that painting? It's pretty sweet and was basically what was awaiting us.

This thing was at least a hundred feet tall and made of rings that got smaller and smaller as each level progressed. If I squinted hard enough, I could just about make out the faint shimmer of the elemental barrier between each floor and, straining my eyes until they burned, a strange pulsing red light at the very top. It reminded me of the light at the top of the Shard meant to stop planes from accidentally crashing into it. In my opinion, this one was just as much of a warning. Run for your life! It seemed to be spelling out.

But I was done with running. It was time to face our enemy head-on; this was the only way to do it.

From the door, Penny waved us off like a woman seeing her husband off to war. "Ta ta, my friends. If you survive, I'll see you in an hour! If not, please die in a convenient place for me to clean up!"

And with that, she slammed the door shut, leaving us alone with a time limit and a faint beacon to guide the way.

Oh, and a few muttered insults from Sheira. "Bitch."

"You said it, buddy," I muttered back. I stared up at the tower. I'd climbed the rock wall back at the Stronghold more times than I cared to mention, but right now, that seemed like a walk in the park, and it had lava!

The previously silent room was filled with the same repetitive noise. Tick. Tick. Tick. "Come on," Shadow said as he gently pushed us forwards. "Let's get moving."

Y'know, at first, I thought this was going to be easy. I know, I know, when do things ever go our way but by the way the first two levels went, I didn't think it would be that hard.

Clearing the first floor took all of about five minutes. All we had to do was climb up a sheer wall that topped out at fifteen feet max. Plus, for some reason, we all still had our powers. All it took was a couple of waves of Shadow's hand, and bosh, we were scrambling up to level two.

If we didn't have Sheira with us, the next floor would've been my last. After shuffling along an uncomfortably narrow ledge (PSA from yours truly, for the love of God, don't try to walk over those things. Get on your ass and scoot. You may look like an idiot, but at least you don't end up with your brains being scrubbed out of the carpet) we stumbled across an outcrop. At one end was a staircase, the other a death-defying drop into poison town. I poked my head over the edge and gulped. We'd only been at this ten minutes, and already the ground was covered in a thin layer of green mist.

The only obstacle between us and getting the hell out of there was the most complicated lock I'd ever seen in my life. Hell, it made Shadow's vault door seem like a preschool toy. Hanging between the two walls, the surface was made of hundreds of intricately designed tiles, all depicting every possible way you could die. And as if that cheery image couldn't get any worse, I realised what dear old Penny was asking us to do just as I was kicked back into desperately looking up puzzle guides for Professor Layton after spending fifteen hours crying because I couldn't get past the damn level.

"Oh god!" I yelled as soon as I spotted the two missing tiles. "It's one of those!"

I admit puzzle games have never been my forte (give me God of War any day of the week, and even that managed to stump me more than once), but this was God mode. There must have been millions of possible combinations, and for once, I couldn't resort to my old brute force technique. We didn't have time, and Penny knew it.

But before I could punt myself into the mist for an easy way out, Sheira stepped forwards and rolled up her sleeves. "Well, seeing as I'm always the one who has to do these for you, I might as well give it a shot. Stand by. This might take a while."

If she meant five minutes by a while, then Sheira, buddy, we need to sort out your perception of time, pronto. Sliding the tiles faster than I could see them, with a resounding click, gold light burst from the seams, and the tiles began folding away. The staircase was now accessible.

"Sheira," I clapped her on the shoulder, "you, my friend, are a genius!"

Her cheeks went a vibrant shade of pink. "I wouldn't go that far. It's just a logic puzzle."

"For god's sake, take the compliment, princess," Shadow said just before his foot went through the floor.

I don't think I've ever moved so fast in my goddammed life. All Shadow had to do was let out a surprised shriek, and Sheira and I basically teleported next to him. I forgot about my broken bones as we hauled Shadow out of the hole.

As soon as he was back on terra firma, notably a few shades paler, Shadow shot to his feet and started shouting. "Oi Penny! You know for a fact I'm scared of heights! What the hell was that for?!"

"You did threaten to kill her mate," I suggested. To that, he grumbled but kept his mouth shut.

The three of us carefully shuffled forwards and peered down into the Shadow-sized gap in the floor to see what can only be described as a bad time room. The bottom was filled with jagged spikes that seemed to be made out of broken glass, y'know, as if getting impaled wasn't painful enough already.

That being said, I recognised the trap. Sticking my head through the hole and waving a torch around confirmed my suspicions. Some of the floor tiles were built on giant pillars; the rest were made of papier mache. It seems that Penny has been watching her Indiana Jones for all the wrong reasons.

By now, the other two had figured this out as well. Shadow had replaced me in my subterranean examination, and Sheira was scanning for patterns, markings, anything that wouldn't get two of us killed. I had to admit that even from my untrained view, the multicoloured slabs didn't offer any clues.

"There has to be some way through," she muttered. "It can't just be trial and error.

"We could just break it all," Shadow's voice echoed strangely from down below.

"And how exactly would that help?" I said.

Shadow's full form reappeared and was frowning. "If I break all the fake tiles, then we'll know for sure which ones are real, and we won't risk falling through them."

Sheira shrugged. "I mean, it's as good a plan as any."

But this was one of our plans, and we weren't about to break our winning streak. It took Shadow about five seconds to realise that this wasn't going to fly, as no matter how hard he tried, no darkness came. No swirling mist, no crackling black flame and no stabby tendrils. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Nothing except swearing, that is, and you knew it was bad because Shadow had broken out the more colourful expressions for this one. "Goddammed witch. The room's bound!"

So no powers, then? No wonder I was feeling less murderous.

My friends, however, seemed to be getting up there. Shadow was pacing, muttering darkly to himself, while Sheira tried punching through a couple of tiles. That went well until she hit a real one, and if the ear-splitting crack was anything to go by, she would need to bury her fist in a bag of frozen peas for the next couple of days.

But her self-sacrifice wasn't in vain. Sheira had been right; it wasn't random, and for once, we all recognised it immediately. Even I, who had all the spatial awareness of a blind elephant but possessed an unusual knack for finding things, remembered my little sister showing me what she'd learned in dance class.

"It's like you're in a little box," she explained as she dragged me round the living room while Mum filmed me mercilessly. "But really good dancers can go where they like, but they have to do these steps."

And so she showed me a simple repeating pattern. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

"It's a waltz!" I gasped. "Well, this gives a new meaning to a dance-off."

Still nursing her hand, Sheira gingerly stepped forwards. Tapping her foot against each tile, she carefully spun through the dance to match the unheard music. It wasn't what I'd call elegant, it made Ann Widdecombe look like the sugarplum fairy, but at least she didn't die.

About ten steps in, she turned back to us with a thumbs up. "It works!" she yelled, which satisfied Shadow and me enough to venture out onto the pillars of death. Sheira grinned as she expertly hopped onto the next safe spot. "All those years of doing ballroom finally paid off. Oh, if Madame Ludmila could see me now. Who's the one with two left feet, you miserable old- AAHH!"

Sheira's sudden screech dropped my stomach into the glass-filled pit below. If you add her silent, horrified, pointing at something behind us, it was now chilling at the centre of the earth with dinosaurs and lizard people.

After a few seconds of terrified eye contact with Shadow, I slowly turned my head to get a good long look at the hellhound crawling out of the wall. What I had previously glossed over as rather grim décor of a stag being ripped to pieces by a pack of mangy mutts had become a lot more interactive. Three enormous dogs dragged themselves out of the stone, their eyes burning red and saliva dripping from their bared teeth.

Wait a second. Drool isn't red is it? Oh no... that's not cranberry juice, is it?

The dog's lifeless eyes swivelled creepily in the sockets before one of their massive bowling ball sized heads jerked to lock onto their future lunch. They snarled, sending a foul wave of bad breath over us. I hate to admit it, but it was a smell I recognised. The Maw reeked of it too. It was the unmistakable aroma of rotten human flesh.

The three of us stared at the things helplessly. A frantically screaming corner of my brain tried suggesting that there was no way those things would come after us. The flagstones were too small, and these things must have been as long as I was tall. We were safe, right?

Pro-tip, never give the universe suggestions. It can smell fear. The biggest dog, without taking its horrible bulging eyes off Shadow and I, stepped out onto the first stone and then onto the second. Wouldn't you know it, but the trap was set out perfectly for our four-legged friends.

I instinctively took a step back, then very quickly remembered that most of the floor was made of tissue paper. Thank god I had Shadows arm to cling to. "Okay, this is bad. Do we run? This seems like a time for running!"

Shadow pushed me towards the next clear flagstone, never taking his eye off the dog. "You've got the pattern down, right Sheira?"

"Yep," her voice wobbled.

"Then start dancing, princess!" The first dog lunged. "MOVE IT!"

In a scenario where I wasn't about to be eaten by three rabid statues that even Michelangelo would say were a step too far, King Julian would've happily started bouncing through my head. But there was a time and a place for dancing lemurs, and that time was not now. With By god, I'd never concentrated more in my life. With Sheira leading the charge you'd think following her steps would be a walk in the park.

Ha. No.

Since she wasn't breaking any fake stones, it was damn near impossible to tell the difference between the real ones and which would lead us to an impromptu acupuncture session. I wish I could say my footwork was perfect, but I had all the broken ribs and size ten feet. If it hadn't been for Shadow standing behind me and his lightning-fast reflexes, it would have been game over for yours truly.

Everything about this was making my blood boil. I'm a swordsman, for god's sake! Footwork is basic, 'Don't Get Stabbed 101'. I should be better at this. And then there was the niggling problem where we had to jump between the tiles because why would Penny make them easy stepping distance? You ever jumped with broken ribs? If I walked out of here with a punctured lung, I'd count myself lucky. I could feel the damn things sliding about under my skin.

Then, about halfway across the room, Penny threw in one more sadistic twist. One minute I was sprinting after Sheira, watching her leap to the next step and the next, she was gone. I yelled in shock and dove after her, Shadow in hot pursuit. By some miracle, she'd managed to dig her fingers into the next pillar along and hauled herself to safety.

Had she missed? No way. She'd gotten everything else right. I stared desperately at the unbroken column of stone. That wasn't part of the pattern. By now Sheira had realised this too. She stared frantically, breaking the floor around her.

Her voice was high and desperate as she shrieked. "It's changed!"

"Well figure it out!" Shadow barked back. "We don't have much- AARGH!"

Shadow's cry of pain sent me spinning on my heel. The smallest of the dogs had caught up to us and was now latched onto Shadow's shoulder, its red-stained teeth buried into his neck. I watched in horror, powerless to help as, cursing furiously, Shadow swung his elbow into the dog's face. It's rock hard, stone face. The sound of his elbow breaking was louder than the dog squealing in pain. The beast let go and was immediately caught by a right hook that sent it crashing through the floor.

One down, two to go, I dared to think. But the other two were so much bigger. They might have been slower but they knew where they were going. They'd been programmed to follow the steps. They wouldn't fall.

Twenty tiles and gaining.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the moment I had a really stupid idea. You too can try it yourself, all you need is one superpowered stone mongrel and an unkillable friend with a death wish.

Fifteen.

"Shadow, I've got an idea!" I gave him a brief rundown that made him stare at me like I was both a genius and completely insane. Not a bad combination, if I'm being honest.

"You're mental!" he shook his head, "but that could work."

"You're sure you can do it?"

He flashed a familiar, slightly unhinged smile. "Kid, this ain't my first rodeo."

Knowing he meant that pretty literally, I leapt towards Sheira, leaving Shadow to wait for the perfect moment. My best friend jumped when she felt my hand on her back, but before she could ask any questions like, what the hell are you doing? (At the best of times, your guess is as good as mine, buddy) I grabbed and pushed her down as a giant stone dog sailed over us.

Oh, did I mention that Shadow was clinging to the back like a cowboy? Because he was, and neither mutt nor man looked particularly happy about this. Gripping onto the dog's collar for dear life, Shadow jerked out of the way of the stone monster's snapping teeth while occasionally booting it in the face.

The slavering dog whirled round and round, chasing its tail, scratched, shook, and even slammed itself into the floor in a desperate attempt to get rid of the world's angriest flea. As said flea grabbed its ears and yanked it backwards until both almost went toppling over, I dragged Sheira upwards and pointed at the carnage on the floor.

"Please, for the love of god, tell me you know what that is!"

For a second, my heart stopped as she didn't answer. Then I watched her eyes widen, and a smile break out over her face. "It's a tango. Shadow!" she called out, "It's a tango!"

If he could put any more sarcasm into his voice, there'd be a national shortage. "Whopdee-freaking-doo! Just tell me if I can get off this thing!"

"Yes, I know what to do!"

"Thank GOD for that!"

Wasting absolutely no time, Shadow grabbed the dog by the collar and it onto its side, putting his full weight against it. The stone monster snarled and snapped at its rider, trying desperately to sink its teeth into Shadow's left, but the dark elemental was too quick for it. With surprising grace, Shadow launched himself off the dogs back, landing deftly as, with one last howl, the second dog crashed through the stone and vanished.

"Kid!" Shadow yelled as Sheira, and I shot past him. "You owe me big time!"

"Mate, if I live through this, I'll owe you for the rest of my life."

"Can we please focus on running!" Sheira snapped.

She was right, there was still one of those bastards left, and it was the big one. It must have been taller than Shadow, with canines as long as kitchen knives and red bulging eyes that could only be thinking about the best way to turn our bones into fertiliser.

But we weren't miracle grow yet! With Sheira tangoing up a storm, the finish line was inching closer and closer. Less than a sprint away, an easy race if you ignore the growing volume of pounding stone footsteps behind us. I think the elemental world needed to get the memo that in the rest of the world, big equals slow. If you've given it the ability to breathe fire, it does not need to be given lessons from Usain Bolt!

Finally, with my muscles burning and my lungs filled with acid, my feet landed heavily on solid ground. The first step wasn't the problem. It was the next that sent my useless piece of crap ribs stabbing into my lungs. While I was busy coughing my life away, I failed to realise that my foot had not, in fact, gone through the floor. I did, however, come round just in time to witness the truly magnificent sight of Sheira, broken-off piece of decoration in hand, whacking the dog straight in the gabber.

The sound was beautiful, like a squeaky toy being hit with a sledgehammer. Even Shadow had to stand back, impressed as the dog plummeted into the pit, where Sheira proceeded to rub salt into the wound by chucking the baseball bat after it. This also resulted in the squeaky noise.

"I believe that's what we call a home run," I did my best to wheeze; not easy when you're lying flat on your back, regretting your life choices.

I could've stayed there all day, but as the resident sane ones, Shadow and Sheira gently but firmly dragged me to my feet.

"C'mon, kid, this is no time for a nap."

"Yeah. As much as I want to never use my feet again, we really don't have time. We're fifteen minutes in and only three floors up, and I have a funny feeling they'll be getting harder," said Sheira, with one hand under my arm and the other pushing open the next door.

Shadow nodded gravely. "Sheira's right. This has been a walk in the park compared to her usual games. From now on, don't touch anything, don't read anything and keep your wits about you. If we keep our eyes and ears open, we should be able to avoid walking into another trap."

Guess how long it took for those words to come around and bite us on the ass. Just guess.

If you said three seconds, then congratulations! You win an immediate plummet down a death slide and a free pass to strangle Shadow to death with his own amulet, watch him come back, and then do it again!

I think that's what I shouted as my foot found thin air, and my breakfast made a return trip to my mouth. I yelped in shock and flailed my hand back, desperate to find anything to grab hold of. This produced two problems; number one was that my nearest stable point just happened to be Shadow's right arm. The second issue was that Sheira had the same idea.

So there we were. The three of us plummeting down one of those ninety-degree slides that make you think, 'How did health and safety let that one slip through?' All desperately scrabbling for some sort of foothold against the slick surface but finding nothing.

Nothing to slow us down. Nothing to stop us. Nothing between us and the pitch-black water that we were about five seconds away from meeting.

Funnily enough, despite the terror all my stupid brain could only come up with one perfectly ironic thing.

Oh great, I'm not going to burn after all.

I'm going to drown.

Fan-freaking-tastic.