Y'know? Somehow walking into a cave knowing there's a man-eating monster the size of a building lurking inside is actually worse than not knowing. Seriously, one is just plain stupid. The other is straight-up madness.

Ah yes, I too want to try my luck a second time with the thing that has too many teeth when I have a historic track record of everything going horrifically wrong as soon as I try to test the fates more than once.

To be fair, I have never claimed to be a smart man.

After scaling the sand ramp again, Sheira, the cats and I slowly (and with a healthy dose of caution) inched our way deeper into the cave, noses primed for that first whiff of Slitheen farts. We were double testing every step, with Ice reminding us that the ground went spongy when we stepped onto the awful thing's tongue. It was slow going. After thirty minutes, we'd only made it halfway, but at least we weren't going to walk into the literal jaws of freaking death.

Our leisurely pace was good for another reason. Even though I was doing my damndest to hide it from Sheira, I was still in a significant amount of pain. I had stopped bleeding (which was good), but the pain was now a constant companion and was spread all across my torso (which was bad). The closest thing I could compare it to was a particularly bad case of food poisoning, like eating raw pork or chicken levels of bad. An unending stabbing, gut-twisting agony that sits in your stomach for at least two days afterwards.

That's what I was dealing with right now but throw it an actual stab wound for good measure.

Forty minutes after setting off into the blackness, my Beast stopped dead in his tracks, sniffing like it was allergy season. Not that he needed to smell that deep, though. The Maw's foul breath was attacking my very human nose with a vengeance.

"Where is it, buddy?" I whispered.

He sniffed again, then nodded. "Less than ten meters. I think I can hear it breathing as well."

"I second that; it's faint, but it's there. Honestly, it's very quiet for something so large," Ice added.

"Too quiet," Flame agreed. "I was expecting it to be more Crash-like. You've heard that rhino snore. He could be in the Serengeti, and he'd still make your ears ring."

"Avalanches are subtler."

"If we could steer it back to the matter at hand," Sheira said like the well-seasoned master of idiot wrangling that she is, "I may have a plan."

"Is it dangerous and ever so slightly stupid?" I asked.

"Naturally."

"Good"

"But to see if it'll work, I need to see its mouth shut." She read our looks of confusion and decided to elaborate. "Look at it this way; the cave is way too narrow for it to turn around, right?"

"Yeah...?"

"If we can somehow get behind it, we'll be able to hack away at it to our heart's content! Plus, I reckon it won't be as armoured back there, and let's be honest, attacking it head-on is just suicide."

She was right about that. Even if we somehow avoided its gnashing teeth, I didn't fancy our chances at outrunning it a second time. The thing had been breathing down our necks, for god sake! If it hadn't been for the cave suddenly narrowing, we'd have been toast.

"It's a solid plan, Sherlock, but I can find one itsy bitsy flaw in the proceedings."

She nodded grimly. "I know Watson, but I think I've got an idea that doesn't involve live bait."

With that, she reached into her pack and pulled out the metal tin that had our rations inside. The typical MRE affair that was basically a physical representation of the word brown. I realised I hadn't actually eaten anything since the biscuits at Ren's place, so I snacked on a cereal bar or two while Sheira went about her business. The cats looked on in puzzlement.

The confusion only continued after Sheira produced our collection of fig newtons.

"Are we really that desperate to suffer?" I glared at the horrible blocks of disgustingness with all the venom my flaming heart could manage. The Harpy must really hate us.

I was ignored. "I'm going to throw these at it. If it operates like a venus flytrap, then it'll trigger and snap shut. Then all we've got to do is try again and sneak by. Plus, it'll get rid of these things. God knows neither of us are going to eat them."

So the attempt began, a truly bizarre sight of Sheira hucking fig newtons down the tunnel all while cowering behind a rock. We weren't just making wild guesses in the dark. Ice (who was either the bravest or the dumbest of the lot) slunk out and very carefully marked where the Maw's enormous mouth began so we'd know if we'd hit our target. Still, after three successful throws, it hadn't even quivered.

"Okay...now what?"

"Maybe it's not heavy enough?" Ice suggested.

"Or maybe it's too cold," Flame added. "I don't know about you, but I can certainly tell the difference."

"Won't hurt to try," I shrugged. "Hey, Sheira, toss me a bag. I'd grab it myself, but I don't exactly trust my bones right now."

"Are you sure you can handle it?"

I rolled my eyes. "Sheira, please. I'm not going to keel over microwaving something...but if I do, I want you to put that on my tombstone. Here lies Nick Hayden; he died as he lived, a world champion moron."

"You're so weird," she said fondly. "What flavour do you want?"

I blinked at her. "...Does it matter?"

"When you're complaining about having nothing to eat, it will."

Fair enough. "Okay, okay, okay. Mac and Cheese?"

"No."

"Ravioli?"

"No."

Jesus, we were going to be here all day. "What about the chicken curry? You know they stink."

"I like them!"

"Fine!" I threw my hands in the air. "Cottage pie then? I've blasted a hundred degrees of heat through those things, and they never come out right!"

She considered this for a moment. "Toss it."

Finally! I grabbed the packet after Sheira dumped a fistful of ice into it, wrapped my hands around it and concentrated. Warming something up without accidentally setting it on fire wasn't as easy as it looked, but today was particularly challenging (I wonder why). I tried to focus on pouring warmth into my palms, siphoning it off from the flames like Sophie had taught me. Still, I was having a hard time making it lukewarm, never mind to match my body temperature.

I got it in the end after about a minute of pure concentration. I even blasted a few extra degrees into it, just to be on the safe side.

I wordlessly handed the bag back to Sheira, not daring to make eye contact. I could feel sweat pooling on the back of my neck. It usually took hours, not minutes, to feel this drained. I mean, heck! Even when I'd just got my powers, I'd never felt like this.

I watched as Sheira began to open her mouth but then quickly snapped it shut. Without saying another word, she took the bag, reeled back and gave a throw that would have made an Olympian proud.

Well, that certainly worked a treat.

Before the payload had even touched down, that same bone-rattling rumble shook the walls around us as the Maw snapped its jaws shut, clouds of sand spewing into the air as it did so. Somehow we managed to hide even further behind our safety rock (not that, if we're being honest here, it would do us much good).

However, it seemed that the Maw wouldn't stand much of a chance of spotting us even if we were right under its nose waving a red flag and shouting to come and get us (well, maybe not that last one). Y'know those glowing lights on its face? Those weren't eyes at all. They looked like angler fish type lures designed to draw in prey. I mean, for god's sake, they looked like torches. If I was trapped in the dark, cold and hopelessly alone and saw that, I'd be making a beeline for it.

So that's a point in our favour. Our beastie was essentially blind. Plus, it seemed Sheira's plan might just work. Behind the froggy face was a slug-like body, tapering back into the cave for god knows how far. The top of its head was flat and, compared to the rest of its body, was relatively unarmoured (all the better for stabbing, my dear). My only concern was its arms. Would it be able to grab us if we decided to take on the world's most volatile assault course?

After a minute or two, old ugly finally opened its mouth again. It was actually pretty cool seeing how its teeth and roof of its mouth blended so seamlessly into the surrounding cave. God knows how far back it would stretch, but I wasn't keen to find out.

But hey, at least know we knew our awful plan would work. Onto step two! Actually, going through with it...yeah, this is going to be fun.

The plan, theoretically, was simple. So simple, in fact, it could've featured on a twisted version of Blue Peter. You too can make it at home with just two MRE bags, a half-dead fire elemental and an enormous man-eating slug from the depths of hell.

"We're all going to die," I whispered aloud to anyone who wanted to listen.

Flame batted me with his paw, "don't be such a downer. We've taken down much bigger problems than this."

"He's right," Sheira agreed. "And this one isn't actively hunting us down, so we're already doing better than usual."

I snorted at that one. "Lucky us."

She shook her head with a smile. "Okay, here's what we're going to do. Nick, Flame and Ice, you all have proficiency with stabbing weapons, so you get up high and jump on it when it shuts its mouth. I'll do the throwing." She then pulled out another handful of lunches and proffered them to me. "Would you mind? I know you're burned out but do you think you'll be able to get these up to thirty-seven?"

"Sheira-" I said irritably.

"I know, I know. Sorry."

After pouring heat into the bags and handing them off to Sheira Flame, Ice and I slowly started creeping towards the Maw's open mouth, hugging the wall like our lives depended on it (and let's be honest, it probably did). As a former resident of the Himalayan mountains, Ice led the charge, expertly leaping from rock to rock up to a small lip just below the cave/mouth's roof. We figured that would be the perfect place to launch our ambush from.

The rocks were slippery and coated in something that I at first thought was algae. But upon closer inspection, I kept telling myself that anyway. Anything to not think about my hands being coated in drool.

By the time we reached the ledge, I was sure the smell would kill us before the Maw actually got the chance. The overpowering whiff of halitosis usually would've triggered the reappearance of those cereal bars, but considering the life or death situation we were in, I just held my breath and sucked it up, even as my eyes started stinging.

Not for the first time, I wondered how my life ended up like this.

From my vantage point, I spotted a flash of white-blonde hair and a pair of blue eyes peering over the edge of her rock. I waved, and when I got a response, I quickly and clearly as I could signed, "how are we looking?"

I had to do it twice before she got the message. Funnily enough, a language where a single finger position change can drastically alter the PG rating of your conversation isn't the best for long-distance communication.

She flashed me a quick thumbs up. "Looks good. Be careful. Don't get eaten," she signed back.

Like I needed to be reminded about that one. I had Incaendium partially unsheathed, his golden flames flickering around the slobber covered cavern walls.

What are we killing today, pal? My sword asked cheerfully.

"Jabba the Hutt's second cousin twice removed."

... What's a Jabba? And what's it doing in a hut?

Oh my god. I have the only person on the planet who's never seen Star Wars. Now I need to work out the logistics of how a sword would watch a movie. After all, I'm pretty sure Incaendium has eyes- Jesus, Nick, focus up! You might not live long enough for that anyway.

Nausea hit me like a tsunami, washing over and leaving me cold to my core. I swallowed hard, that old knot in the centre of my chest winding tighter and tighter. Screwing my eyes shut, I tried to concentrate on my breathing. Four. Six. Four. Six- C'mon, don't go under now. Focus on the now. That's a problem to deal with after stabbing the demon spawn in the face. Four...

The whole process was probably less than ten seconds, but it felt like forever. When I opened my eyes to the dark, dingy cave, I saw Flame's deep brown eyes staring up at me, overflowing with concern. All I could manage was a smile and a scratch behind his ears.

Okay, game time. I took a moment to steel myself (I can do this, I can do this) before throwing Sheira a thumbs up. I figured she'd been watching, and I caught her nod out of the corner of my eye. Now or never, I guess. We primed ourselves for the jump with the three of us in place, quivering with fear and adrenaline.

Time seemed to freeze after that, and with another quick glance, Sheira threw the package as hard as she could. I watched it fly through the air, landing in the sand with a soft thump, scattering dust as it did so. I instinctively braced and really hoped I'd done my math right.

A moment passed...then another...

Had she missed? I thought at first, but she'd definitely crossed the line in the sand. Plus, Sheira was one of the best pitchers on the rounders team (Water House has held the championship for three years now, which just happens to coincide with Sheira joining the Stronghold. Funny that), so her falling short was damn near impossible.

Sheira apparently had the same thought as about thirty seconds later, she hucked the second bag with a smidgen of extra force. It went even further than the first, bouncing this time, but nothing happened again.

...Well, this is going to plan.

I spotted Sheira pop up from behind her rock, staring in bewilderment and annoyance at the two bags (how dare they not cooperate, after all), one of which was starting to leak an unnatural shade of orange. Her brain was probably whirring as fast as mine, an impressive feat considering my near-constant state of anxiety.

Right Nicky boy, time to think. Was it the size? No, that couldn't be it; it got set off by just one before. By that logic, it couldn't be the amount either. What about temperature? I definitely heated them up enough, 37 degrees a pop, average human body temperature; Sheira had made sure of it. I'd done the first test to match my body heat, so-

Oh crap.

God, I'm such a moron. That's why the Maw only reacted once all three of them were in striking range and why these bags weren't setting it off! (No way would it waste all that effort on one measly scrap) My internal furnace meant I sat at a comfortable hundred and twenty degrees, so that's how high I did the first payload! Crapcrapcrapcrap.

Okay, just chill, channel your inner hitchhiker and don't panic. Breathe. Just climb on down, fix the problem, and the plan can still go ahead, and we can forget that you can't remember how a normal human body is supposed to work.

Motioning to Sheira that I was coming over, I swung my leg over the edge very gingerly and slowly started lowering myself down. I clung to the smooth rock as tight as I could, digging my nails into the porous stone for a fraction of a handhold.

Shame my boot grips did precisely squat against the slick drool. My right leg suddenly slipped out from under me, and with a short yell, I tumbled the ten feet onto the sand. Thinking fast, I twisted and landed on my feet, but the Maw was just as fast.

I heard Sheira screaming my name as dust rained down from above, and this god awful sound reverberated around me, ringing through my ears like a church bell. It sounded like the earth was being torn in half. At that moment, my brain found one word.

Run.

As the roof dropped like a stone, I bolted not straight forwards but at a right angle towards the wall where Flame and Ice reached down from the platform, their paws outstretched. The ground beneath me buckled as the monster's tongue rose up, and the gap between its jaws narrowed and narrowed.

Fifteen feet.

Ten.

Five.

I jumped. I threw myself forward, scrabbling for rock and fur as my chest collided with the wall. My ribs screamed in protest as I sucked my breath in, praying it was enough.

Craggy lips brushed down my back, the actual mouth missing me by an inch at most. I almost breathed a sigh of relief, and then I felt myself being yanked backwards, the colour of my shirt pulled tight against my neck as my feet left the ground. The bastard had my coat!

Oh no, you freaking don't! I yelled in my head and, with one fluid movement, pulled my arms from the sleeves, abandoning my coat and shooting up the wall like a goddamned spider monkey.

I barely touched down on the platform before whipping around, sword drawn and pushed off the wall. Now, this thing had pissed me off. I liked that jacket.

This landing onto the creature was much more graceful, a perfect three-point landing, with the cats following shortly after. The Maw, now cheated out its next meal and realising its dinner had got the jump on it, started bucking and writhing, slamming its flat head against the walls and ceiling, trying to shake us off.

The cats buried their claws into its flesh while I grabbed a rocky growth and clung on for dear life. Smoke billowed from its nostrils, and its eyespots flamed like a blazing inferno- holy shit! This thing is a fire monster!

The force of its bone-rattling impacts was starting to dislodge massive boulders from the ceiling. Ice had to leap sideways, and I was forced to let go of my grip and slide down its enormous stony back to avoid being crushed. I managed to scramble back up, but I was playing IRL Shadow of the Colossus and couldn't raise my arm high enough for the downward stab.

With the Beasts tearing away at its face, it stopped its writhing to let out a bellow of pain and fury. I saw my chance and grabbed it with both hands. Gripping a spine with my legs, I slammed my sword down with a two-handed blow. The blade sunk through its skull, right up to the hilt, soaking my arms in thick black blood that burned like a bitch.

But it wasn't dead yet, so I yanked my sword out, ichor spraying in a perfectly messy arc. The Maw lurched, throwing its head backwards, either due to ferocious rage or just having a sword jammed through its brain. I didn't have time to react, and my own head cracked against the stone. The taste of copper exploded into my mouth.

I think I blacked out for a second as the next thing I knew, Flames' claw was dug into my shoulder, saving me from a fatal drop to the cavern floor, but my sword wasn't in my hand. I scanned my surroundings frantically, and my heart puttered like it had just been plunged into a bucket of ice water. Surrounded by bones, entrails, and god knows what else lay my extinguished sword.

Just as I was thinking about how screwed we were, the Maw suddenly surged forwards, slamming its face down into the ground, and hissed angrily. Just as I was wondering what the hell was going on, the answer came in the form of an ice bolt burying itself into the Maw's eye.

"I'VE LOST INCAENDIUM!" I waved my arms frantically, screaming my lungs out as blood dripped into my eyes. "RUN!"

Sheira didn't waste another second. She pivoted on a dime, clicked her heels together, and those two concealed ice skates shot out from the soles. In an instant, she was racing away, ice forming in front of each step like freaking Frozone. Now laser-focused on another potential prey, the Maw seemingly forgot about the three of us and started clawing after her.

The three of us held on for dear life as it barrelled forwards. Okay? What now!? Incaendium had barely made a scratch. The Maw was just too damn big, and my sword wasn't exactly a claymore. We needed something bigger. A lot bigger.

As the Maw surged forwards, I rolled sideways to avoid being taken out by a rogue stalactite when I had one of my classic stupid ideas. And I knew just the place to pull it off.

Despite the muscles screaming in protest, I dug around in my jeans pocket and pulled out Sheira's communication stone.

"I've got a plan!" I yelled into it.

I could barely hear my voice over the sound of the cave being torn apart, but I heard Sheira loud and clear. "Get on with it then! This thing is gaining on me!"

I took her word for it. "Lead it through the narrow crack and then give it all you got at the ceiling. Let's drop the roof on this thing!"

"You got it!"

I dragged myself upwards, pushing myself to my knees and threw my arm into the air. I gritted my teeth and focused on drawing my power from my burning heart and forcing it down my arm. I felt my eyes widen after the first sparks fizzled out at my fingertips. Flames licked the edge of my black veins but extinguished as soon as they made contact. No, no, no, no, no! Don't do this to me now!

The passage was racing closer, and just like that, I felt the frustration blossom into a rage. How dare this thing take my power from me! These are my flames! MINE AND I CONTROL THEM!

As Sheira shot through the gap, spinning round to take aim, I dug into all my anger and fear and used it to fuel my fire. Shadow leaving us, Molly daring to still be alive this stupid GODDAMNED CURSE TRYING TO RIP ME APART.

I let out a scream I didn't know I'd been holding in, and the fireball, blazing red as my rage, surged from my outstretched hand just as the ray of diamonds arced into the air.

Grinning like a madman, the fire and ice detonated in an explosion of perfect chaos. Flames poured over the walls in a flood of glorious orange light, twisting and burning into hellfire. It was the most beautiful sight in the world.

Then the rocks started raining down on us, tumbling through the flames like they were the judgment from some almighty god.

The Maw didn't stand a chance.

It barely had time to scream as the first stalactite punched through its skull. Then came the second, piercing its eye, which popped like a rotten grape. And the chaos kept coming.

We threw ourselves from the carnage as two more rocks slammed into the weak point I had already carved. Fluid spurted from the wound as its head caved in. It stopped screaming after that, but its body kept spasming.

And all I did was watch. Watched as it thrashed out its last death throes, its breath rattling as its lungs flattened under the weight of the cave roof. I kept watching until it lay perfectly still.

And I was laughing the whole time.