Do you want to continue living like this?

Anisha's question plays on repeat.

At this point, I'm terrified of my reflection. It's like the unfamiliar person on the other side of the mirror will reach through, wrap their hand around my neck, and never let go.

I don't think I will get another opportunity like this. What if I fall more down the dark hole of depression? What if the next step is actually giving in to my thoughts, and I end up killing myself?

I can't do that. I won't do that.

Right now, I have an angel on my right shoulder and a devil on my left. One side tells me that this is no way to live, while the other yells that this is what I deserve due to the revolting things my brain is capable of.

It's now or never.

"I..." My hand rubs down my face as I try to find words to describe what I'm feeling without sounding like a complete terror to society. "I'm scared of things. Things that could hurt people. That I could hurt people."

I expect to see Anisha clinging to her notebook in fear or suddenly deciding to dash toward the door to escape my insanity. However, it's the opposite. She looks at me with big brown eyes that hold nothing but warmth. "Thank you for trusting me and sharing that with me, Judy."

I nod because what else can I do besides press a pillow over my face until darkness takes hold?

Fuck.

As if she could read my mind, Anisha asks, "Do you want to hurt yourself?"

"I've thought about it."

Aaron gasps. I quickly turn to him and instantly regret my honesty. His glossy eyes sends my heart hammering against my chest. "I would never do it, Aaron! I just think about it sometimes."

I push myself from the bed when Aaron brings his hands to his face, shaking his head from side to side as if trying to erase an image from his brain. I turn to Anisha and begin to walk towards her. She doesn't flinch or make a move to get away from me. All she does is tilt her head to the side as she stares into my soul.

"This is why I didn't say anything! This is the exact reason I locked myself away. Now I have hurt the one person in my life who I love more than anything!"

Leaning back in her chair, Anisha calmly asks, "Is this what you were talking about when you said you were afraid of hurting people?"

I wish it was as simple as that.

All I can do is scoff and turn away from her. "Disappointing someone is something I can handle; it's something I have been doing my whole life."

As if his volume would help convince me otherwise, Aaron shouts, "That's not true!" I raise my hand to silence him, but he ignores me completely. "That's not true at all!"

My breathing begins to pick up, and my heart is ready to burst from my chest. "You think I don't know I was a mistake, Aaron? Do you think our age gap was on purpose? You think I never overheard Mom and Dad say that they should have only had one child like they planned?"

Blood rushes through my veins, and my nerves are shot. My back hits the door, and if it weren't for the cool floor tiles stopping me, I would sink into the ground until it swallowed me whole. With my knees to my chest, I begin to cry while memories of my life with my parents flood my mind.

Once, after a fight with my parents, I stormed off to my room. I made it to the stairs before I fell and let the emotions take hold. I wish more than anything that I had made it to my room; maybe then I would have been able to hide from the ugly truth.

I raise my head, and it's like a knife to the heart when I stare at my brother. We share the same hazel eyes as our mother, and although Aaron is nothing like her, I can't help but feel that she is the one gazing down at me.

My mind plays all the Memories of how she would look at me like I was nothing but disappointment and revulsion wrapped up in a five-foot-three frame of nobody special.

I try to get the words to flow from my mouth with a shaky breath, but nothing comes out. "Mom thinks she should have aborted me."

Aaron takes in a sharp breath, then shakes his head. "Do you really believe that, Juju? I sure as hell don't."

The tears rolling down my cheeks suddenly halt as laughter fills the room. Aaron's body stiffens at the rapid fluctuation of my mood. With his eyes popped wide, it seems that he has finally realized just how insane I really am.

"Well, then you are a damn idiot."

I've never talked to Aaron like he was anything less than my favorite superhero, but the way his mouth keeps opening and closing like a damn goldfish causes a humorless chuckle to move past my lips. "I don't care if you believe me or not. I might be crazy, Aaron, but I know what I heard."

I push from my seated position, and I approach my brother in slow, calculated steps. For every inch I move forward, he stumbles an inch backward. When the back of his legs hit the hospital bed, his bottom plops to the mattress.

For so long, I have felt nothing but sadness and fear, but right now, rage flows through my veins. Through gritted teeth, I say, "I was thirteen, and I went to the mall with some of my friends. When I came back home, mom smelled weed on my clothes and accused me of smoking."

Tension fills the room. If Anisha decided to snap her fingers, the room would explode. She tracks my movements carefully. My trust in her grows when she makes no sign to interrupt my tirade. It's as if she knows I would never physically hurt Aaron, but the burden I have kept well-hidden needs to be released and shared with the world.

Aaron doesn't move a muscle. The flickering of his eyes is the only indication that he is still alive and not made of stone. I get a sick, twisted satisfaction when I notice his Adam's apple bob.

Now that the damn has been broken, the words come from my lips like pure venom, and I want Aaron to feel just how much pain I have been through. "I didn't, but the guys that were outside as we waited for Lina's dad to pick us up sure were. I tried to tell her, but she didn't believe me, and honestly, I just gave up. This wasn't the first time she didn't trust the words coming out of my mouth, and at that point, I already knew it was useless to even try and prove my innocence."

Even as he sits down, he towers over me, but I still try and get as close to his face as possible. "Thirteen, Aaron! I was fucking Thirteen!"

I have never, and would never, hate my brother. I have known for most of my life that he was the favorite child but right now, I hope he now understands why I have no desire to speak to my parents.

I went through years of pain over something I had no control over. I was just born; it's not like I asked for that.

The world stands still when I notice a single tear roll down Aaron's cheek. My big brother, my hero and protector, is crying. I cup my hand against his cheek and use the pad of my thumb to wipe the moisture from his face.

Aaron leans into my touch, and his dull hazel eyes gloss over before staring into the distance. "I'm so sorry," He pauses before taking a deep breath and releasing it through pursed lips. When he looks at me, I want to die.

Die.

The simple thought brings me back to reality. Doom once again consumes me, and my face contorts as the sadness takes hold. I wrap my arms around my waist and retreat into my shell of emptiness.

Die.

A soft buzzing surrounds me, and I hear the muffled sound of Aaron's voice from somewhere in the distance.

Die.

The room begins to spin, and my vision becomes blurry. I feel weak, and unfortunately, I'm all too familiar with what is happening. A tingling sensation makes its way from the tips of my fingers down to my sock-covered toes.

How is it possible to feel nothing but everything at the same time?