Chapter Thirty-Four: "Again."

I SHOULD BE heartbroken every exam period.

It's amazing what the human mind will do to distract itself. In high school, I might have bothered my sister or my friends at the time to find out anything they were doing and avoid my issues in any way that I could.

Here, I studied.

Exams breezed by and my room became the one setting I spent most of my time in. Paper plates were piled into the garbage can under my desk. Iced coffees accompanied it. There was a half-empty cup currently sitting on my desk at 7 PM on a Wednesday night. Every time I left my home to do an exam I felt confident, the only thing in my head was information I needed and anything that didn't connect to him.

But he called. And he texted.

I hadn't read a thing since that night. Every morning, I handed my phone to Yasmeen, not wanting to look at another reminder. She did me the favour of deleting the messages herself as each way came before resorting to blocking his number.

But this time, as I was laying down in my bed, taking a much-needed break and staring at my screen watching random Youtube videos, I also scrolled through Instagram on my phone. I heard the doorbell ring just as I swiped through a story.

Laurence had posted a story.

The story had him in it.

I shut off my phone, staring at the screen as another person spoke in the video on my laptop. Then my eyes flickered over to one of the sticky notes hung on the side of my bed. I read the equation over and over again. It was already engraved in my head, analyzed dissected a hundred times in order for me to apply on my exam in two days.

A knock came on my door. I sat up, looking at Yasmeen who opened it.

Although Mariam had been the one to see it all, all of my roommates gave me the space I needed. This had to have been the first time since that night Yasmeen had gotten the chance to speak to me. Her blanket was wrapped around her head, covering her hair. She usually answered the door in that attire. But there was no one with her.

"He was at the door." She said.

I licked my bottom lip, shutting off my laptop as Yasmeen came over and hopped on my bed. She sat down, her eyes widening at the equations and definitions I had posted on the wall and forced myself to memorize, the little notes I wrote down over and over thoroughly explaining them to myself filled with physics, organic chemistry and more.

She turned to look back at me sitting cross-legged, observing me carefully. "I didn't let him in."

"Thank you." I mumbled.

"He was here yesterday too," She said, not trying to hurt me. She spoke to me slowly but not cautiously as if I was about to break. "I told him you were at work. He looked desperate enough to go all the way over there."

"He wouldn't do that," I mumbled because I knew him. Or at least I thought I knew him.

"He said he wouldn't do that to you," Yasmeen said.

I blinked once. Twice. No, I couldn't cry again. I can't.

I kept blinking and blinking, Yasmeen watching me when I let out a horrible sound of frustration and tears spilled over. I sniffed, wiping them away as I looked around my room, catching my eyes on another equation.

"You've been working hard." She suddenly said while reaching forward to take my hand.

"Yeah," I let out a small laugh, knowing I had two more exams to go. A part of me didn't want to take off the sticky notes of said hard work from the ones I had completed. "Studying helps to keep my mind off of things."

She nodded, her expression softening as she looked over me once again. "Do you need anything? Fruits?"

"Grapes?" I suggested with a smile.

"Whatever fruit you want." She said.

"I don't want fruit," I admitted. "I want to go home."

I didn't think there had ever been another time I had wanted to see my family so badly. All of them: the confusing, the chaotic and the good. I hadn't seen my family since September and soon, I would be getting all of them back. I couldn't wait any longer for them. And for the distraction of everything here in Jasper Bay.

Yasmeen nodded. "Few more days."

I looked down at her hand linked with my own. At her fine-trimmed nails and my chipped purple ones.  Her hand in mine meant everything and she probably didn't even know. "You know I'm grateful for you, right?"

Yasmeen looked taken aback. Honestly, so was I. I wasn't expecting to say that but it was the truth. "You and all of our friends," I continued. "I've never had friends like you guys before--not that my friends from back home are bad friends or anything but you guys? You just understand me and know I'll be ready to talk when I want to."

Yasmeen squeezed my fingers. "Do you want to talk now?"

I guess I was. "I know I don't talk about whoever I'm with with you guys. It's not because of you. It's just how I am."

"We know that," She assured me. "You're private."

"But with him, it was different," I murmured.

My eyebrows furrowed with each thought that crossed my mind. Nothing had been defined. Nothing had been set in stone. It wasn't said verbally. Yet when he said I was his, it could've just been something said out of the private intimate moment. It didn't have to mean anything—at least it showed that it didn't mean anything that night with what I witnessed and heard not long ago.

"Maybe...maybe it--"

"No," Yasmeen said, tugging on my hand and reading me better than anyone ever has in the short amount of time that we've known each other. "No. I'm not going to sit here and listen to you blame yourself for whatever you are thinking. You did nothing wrong, Jaime."

Maybe she was right. No, she was right. I heaved out a deep breath, bringing my knees up to my body and resting my head on them to hide my face. "This happened again. But worse."

Again. That word filled me with rage. Towards Malcolm. Towards Aven. Towards myself for allowing this to happen. And it happened harder and stronger than I ever expected.

The first time it wasn't like that. Malcolm was whatever but with Aven, god, I knew I was deeper in it with him in such a short amount of time. It was intense, it was passionate, it made my head spin and it hurt even more than I realized. My stomach hurt, my chest hurt just talking about this.

When I looked up at Yasmeen, her face fell at the sight of my own. A dry and cold laugh bubbled up and out of me as blinking back tears. "I just want him to leave me alone. That can't even really happen because we're linked by one person, separated by a degree."

"Iman?"

"Iman," I confirmed. Maybe I had seen Aven throughout last year once. With being close friends with Iman it was highly possible. But that was before. I could ignore him before I knew him. Now I knew him. If I was going to be in the same room with him, I would know he's there without even looking.

"Does he know?"

"I think Mariam or Larine must have told him or something, I don't know. I've been off the radar for a while 'cause of all of this." I gestured to my room.

As I was about to lie down in my bed, in an instant, Yasmeen wrapped her arms around me, enveloping me in her blanket and her warmth. When I felt my tears hit my lips, I was quick to brush them away but she just gave me a soft smile. "We're going to get through this, you know?"

We.

I gave her a teary smile. "I know. It just—I shouldn't have assumed we were together. I didn't. And then I did. It was a lot of back and forth. Sorry, I'm just..."

"You were confused," Yasmeen said. "We all were confused for you, Jaime." She furrowed her eyebrows. "Now,  I'm not defending him or anything when I say this but he just seemed like a genuine guy and I think that's what makes this insane to me. If you told me what Kyle had said, I would question Aven down in a second but to see him--"

"Yeah," I muttered with a shrug. "The idea of even seeing him makes me nauseous and I know I will again. I know I'll have to talk to him eventually and I don't want to, Yas. I really really don't want to see him. Let alone speak to him. And you said he showed up yesterday as well?"

She nodded and I rubbed my eyes, feeling a dull headache arising on the left side of my skull. What kind of game was he playing at? Surely Kyle must have told him that we saw him that night. That this was over. Why the hell wasn't he taking the hint?

Another set of arms wrapped around me, tightening their hold onto me even stronger than Yasmeen's. Larine's blonde hair got in my face as Mariam sat in front of me.

I must've looked terrible, eyes puffy, mood down, a million things scattered in my room, notes pasted on my walls. I could have looked insane.

My friends didn't look at me like that at all.

They just waited for me to say something but before I could, Larine had taken out her phone, pulling up the UberEats app. She gave me a soft smile, "What do you want?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

abisola: What time are you guys coming in?

Me: I told you I'll be home by 6 ish.

abisola: Okay, so you want me to order you dragon rolls, dynamite rolls, spicy salmon rolls or rainbow?

Me: California isn't included?

abisola: I didn't think you wanted the option of plain California.

Me: May it be included?

abisola: Okay, which?

Me: All.

abisola: Jaime.

Me: Thank you!

I laughed at my screen, pocketing my phone as I adjusted my scarf wrapped around my neck and my brown hat on my head as I walked outside of the lecture hall.

I had been in an uplifted mood since that night with Larine, Yasmeen and Mariam. We had done nothing for two hours but talk, eat food and talk some more. With my sister added into the mix since I told her a very short version of what had happened and she spent a good ten minutes cursing men until her husband had come home, she made it her job to check in on me more than she needed to. I wasn't complaining, it just made me more excited to see her later tonight.

With all the continuous distractions, Aven barely touched my mind.

And yet I knew we would see each other eventually. I had figured it would be after the winter break.

It just happened to be right after my last exam was over.

My snow boots were digging into the thick white path as I made my way down Edgar Hill on campus. In that moment, I felt free. My dad was on his way from Port Yonge, ready to give me a ride home. My luggage was packed and I was prompted to get out of this city and headed home to sushi that my sister and her husband would bring, along with their three dogs.

Yet when I locked eyes with the familiar figure walking up the empty hill, my heart arrested in my chest and I closed my eyes for a moment.

It's official: life hates me.

For a second, we just looked at each other. He stood tall, the dent between his eyebrows appearing the longer he assessed me, reading me as I read him. I compiled a list of how to say something, from paragraphs to one sentence in my head. Even with my heart beating out of my chest, my lips parted to speak first but he beat me to it.

"You're avoiding me."

My gaze fell to the ground at the fact.

"Whenever Yas answers the door—it's usually her—she looks at me with," He paused. "She looks at everyone with kindness. Now she looks at me like I did something unspeakable to her best friend."

My head still down, I looked over to the side. To the stomped-on patch of snow that displayed the frosted grass and mud. The damage to the ground was huge but not as big as what I felt in my stomach. In my chest. I took a breath to ease my anxiety, but it didn't rid the feeling.

In fact, it only increased tenfold when Aven took a step towards me. Instantly, I took one back. I shook my head, "Don't."

He stayed where he was. "Why aren't you talking to me?"

"I'm just..." I sighed, pushing my locs over my shoulders as I finally met his brown eyes. "Ask Kyle."

His jaw clenched, irritation clouding his expression. "I am not going to ask Kyle. I'm going to ask you. Why aren't you talking to me? You haven't answered my texts, my calls, what did I do wrong?"

"It shouldn't even matter--"

"What did I do wrong, Jay?" He insisted.

"The girl. The one at Outlaw. Eden."

Aven's expression scrunched with confusion before he exhaled, before he realized. I watch as realizes. As he makes the face where he's attempting to piece things together and then the one where he's taking a moment to come up with his argument, but I can't. I can't deal with anything he has to say. "Jay."

"You were...you were—" The memory blurred in my head. The sight of how happy Aven seemed with her. And my heart hurt all over again from this and from looking at him. I cleared my throat. I was going to stand my ground. I was going to do what I had to do because it was going to happen sooner or later. Both options decided to point to now. "Can I speak? I don't want any interruptions. I just want to say what I have to say and go."

"Just—" His hand reached down for my own and I was quick to retract from his hold.

"Don't touch me. Just let me talk." I rebutted, crossing my arms to hold myself up. Aven watched me with caution, taking his hands and putting them in his pockets.

"That's all I can see in my head," I rasped. "Is your hand in her hair and you two kissing.  And then I find out from Kyle that you had sex with her."

"Jay—"

"I said let me talk," I demanded and he fell quiet, respecting my wishes.

"You had sex with her however many times. I don't want to think about it because I don't think I should be bothered because we never really talked about it. About us. We never said we were together. It's not like you called me your girlfriend or kissed me in front of other people. It's not like we were together and told the world. Yeah, we went out, but we went out together when we were strictly friends so at first, I thought, 'what was I expecting'?"

A laugh fell from my lips but there's nothing funny about the situation.

It was bleak as I felt, as pitiful as the scene left before us. This is what Larine had faced with Benny and I helped her pick up the pieces. This is what I saw Mariam go through with Immanuel and it twisted her into someone she wasn't.

Yasmeen was right.

He did seem like a genuine guy. The same one who would buy a pack of Twizzlers to share with me and listen to music with me and everything since the day I met him. How was that all just for someone you didn't want to solely be with?

This was nothing compared to last year with Malcolm.

This was pain. This was anguish. And this was something I never wanted to experience ever again.

My train of thought didn't stop rolling. It took me back to Halloween weekend. That night.

"Even with Trinity—" The confused expression on his face deepened but he didn't stop me. "She told me that you told her that you would break up with her after high school. Who does that? Who says that? Why would you go into something and give it an expiration date?"

A tool. A dick. That's who.

"But then again why would you lead someone on like this?" I continued to ask. "I stopped blaming myself for thinking I looked too deep into us even though we didn't have a label because when you think about it who puts in that much time and effort—the times we saw each other every single day, wanted to see each other, spent all those nights talking. You made a fucking playlist for me, bought me a Frank Ocean shirt, flirted with me, tell me I'm yours and then—"

And then it was just gone.

Then he's kissing someone else like we didn't even matter.

Like we weren't anything.

I exhaled, feeling the tears build up in my eyes. When I focused on him, he didn't change his expression. He continued to stare at me as I spoke and laid out my entire mind for him to hear.

"It feels like I've been cheated on. That what we had, our friendship or relationship--whatever, that it wasn't anything. And I thought wrong compared to what you clearly thought," I said, my voice thick with emotion. "I thought so fucking wrong because it only took a very short time for me to start..." I trailed off, closing my eyes for a brief second. He didn't deserve the words I was going to put out there.

I was finding it hard to complete my thoughts. They were muddled inside my brain. In the same way they were all over the place whenever I was near him.

"Not even we had sex. Well before we kissed. I was—I just," I sighed, looking him in the eye this time. And even that took everything within me. "It hurts, Aven. It hurts to even talk to you. To even look at you. To even say your name. That's how much this conversation pains me, and I can't—I don't ever want to do this again. Us. Ever."

I sucked in a deep breath but even that felt painful as tears blurred his handsome face in front of me. "I need you to stop calling me. Stop texting me. Stop coming to the house. That's all I want. So, please--"

"Aven!" A voice called out from behind him. It was the same man from the other day we saw Mariam. His face was flushed, making it obvious he was running to wherever he needed to be as fast as possible. "Exam starts in literally a minute. Bro, we have to go."

This was us: a lifetime of interruptions.

And now that lifetime was over.

Aven's eyes flickered between me and the guy. Conflict with a tiny bit of panic arose within them but I shook my head, already done with what I needed to say.

We were done.

"Give me a second, Matt," Aven said to him, and I immediately shook my head again.

"Please go do your exam," I said. "I'm not going to be responsible for you failing."

"You're not," He assured me, but I wasn't going to listen. "You're not going to be responsible for—you're not responsible for anything—anything bad. Look, I'm going to fix this."

There was nothing to fix. "No."

"Jay, I am going to fix us." Determination coated his tone and that broke my heart.

"I don't know how you're going to fix us because there isn't really anything to fix since we weren't really together, now is there? So go."

His face fell.

That expression was going to be pressed into my head for the following weeks. To see the face that I loved, whose smile evoked such a light within me, kept in the folder of my brain, imprinted within me just drop in despair.

I shouldn't have cared but I wasn't going to do this any longer. One day, all those folders and files in my head filled with smiles and laughs of him were going to be gone.

I couldn't wait for that day.

Aven's acquaintance, Matt was already grabbing Aven by the wrist, completely oblivious to what had just happened. He continued to pull him up it as I made my way down Edgar hill, and eventually left Jasper Bay an hour later.