Dedicated to ephemeral_eclipse for the beautiful cover at the top. Thank you sofia! <3

there's another update after this by the way.

Chapter Eleven: "He Gives You Googly Eyes."

"WHO'S KYLE?" MARIAM asked as she walked into my bedroom.

Placing my mini whiteboard on my lap, I fought the urge to rub the side of my head where a dull ache had been bothering me since I woke up. A physics equation I'd been writing down over and over throughout the week was sketched on the board and my eyes went over it once more from where I sat at my desk before my midterm later that Saturday. On the other hand, Yasmeen was laying down on my bed. My blanket was draped over her head as she stared at her phone in an armadillo position.

"Kyle is Aven's roommate," I said, moving my braids out of my face. "Did he find you on Instagram?"

"He found me on Twitter," Mariam said, leaning next to my poster of a picture that I had taken at a Post Malone concert. Twitter?

Picking up my phone, I relayed the information to Aven.

Aven: he went through your following. he's a dumbass.

He had replied fast. He was probably on his way to his volleyball game in Toronto. "He saw a picture of you on my phone and thought you were cute," I said.

"He's cute."

"He's kind of short." Mariam seemed to care about height. Or maybe she didn't. I wasn't sure. Iman was about 6' foot and I didn't think any other guy she had dated in the past was below 5'10.

"Shorter than Clayton?"

"A bit."

"Still taller than me." She mumbled. My phone buzzed again.

Aven: she interested?

Me: Seems like it. He's taller than her so that's a win in her books.

Aven: the short stack will be glad to hear this.

Me: You gotta stop discriminating on height. It's disrespectful. Actually, it's mean.

Suddenly, a familiar banging started on the wall where my drawer stood. I closed my eyes in annoyance and Yasmeen groaned loudly, rolling over to shove her head into one of my pillows. "Jay, just tell her."

"What am I going to tell her? Have sex on the floor or against a wall that isn't connected to my room?"

"Yes. Because when I need a break from reality, I come into your room for you," Yasmeen grumbled. "Not you and the occasional guest star that is her bed. I can live without that episode."

I put my hands over my face as the rhythm seemed to only increase. I was glad that I couldn't hear the noises they made. But it has come to a point where I was able to tell when they either changed positions or when the sex the over. When the banging did stop, all of us let out collective sighs of relief.

"Is there any way you can tell her?" I mumbled in Yasmeen's direction.

Yasmeen shook her head. "Nope, you got to do it."

"I'll do it." Mariam offered.

"No," Yasmeen said. "Jaime's got to do it herself."

"Why?"

"Because she doesn't take charge," Yasmeen sat up, fixing her brown eyes on my face. "You got to do it. Be confrontational. In fact, be more confrontational. Conflict isn't going to kill you. You'll resolve things and everyone can live happily ever after."

She spoke in a tone I'd only heard her talk in when I'd walked in on one of her meetings. It was the voice where everyone was going to have it in their heads as they carried out her plans. It was now the voice where I know I will have it in my head whenever I'm about to do the opposite of what she said.

When Yasmeen was stern, everyone felt it. Even Mariam's eyes flickered between me and Yasmeen.

"That's a lot of work," I said, already feeling queasy at the thought of doing that. Or at my friend's voice. Probably both. 

"Is it?" Yasmeen asked in that same voice, rolling onto her back. Then I decided that I hated that voice. "Sometimes you just gotta confront and conquer."

"Confront and conquer?" Mariam said, taking a seat next to Yasmeen. "I like that motto."

I place my whiteboard on my desk. She wasn't wrong. If I was a lot less confrontational maybe that would do me some good at least. Maybe.

"Do we like Kyle?" Mariam asked.

"Kyle seems okay. Aven said he doesn't do relationships," I pushed away from my desk, rotating in my swivel chair.  "And it was kind of weird that he mentioned that you were cute literally minutes after hooking up with someone."

"Much to think about," Yasmeen muttered, both of them looking over at Mariam's phone, probably going through Kyle's Twitter profile. 

"Oh, for Halloween weekend," Mariam started saying and I grinned, our excitement mutual. "Clayton told me he and a few of his friends are coming. You should invite Aven to the pre. Where is he going to be on that night?"

"I don't know," I admitted as a figure bypassed our room and I pushed annoyance deep, deep, deep down into the pit of my stomach.

Before Larine disappeared out of our sight, Mariam asked her, "Larine, what are your plans for Halloween?"

"I'm heading out to Outlaw that night. What about you guys?"

"Not participating," Yasmeen said.

"Either Outlaw or a house party for us two," Mariam said referring to me and her. "We're going to let Jaime get a boyfriend."

Not me. Wrong Jaime. Larine leaned on the threshold of the door, intrigued. I snorted. "I've been single for almost 20 years. God doesn't want me to have a boyfriend."

"I swear you had a boyfriend in high school," Yasmeen said.

"No, definitely not. I've been in situationships."

"Situationships?" Larine asked in confusion.

"She means where she's almost gotten with the guy romantically, but it has never gotten to that point," Mariam said.

"I'm an expert in that field," I said, looking down to see new messages from Aven as my roommates continued talking. 

Aven: but you're mean to me all the time.

(2) Aven: Iman just agreed. He called you a bully.

Me: Tell Iman fuck you and I was going to wish you guys good luck on your game but now I'm going to take it back.

Aven: lol it's just Easton.

Me: lemme quote you for a sec: 'don't get cocky. You fuck up' aven to immanuel, 2021.

Aven: just wish me luck.

(2) Aven: good luck for your physics midterm.

He remembered.

The message was followed by an excessive amount of random emojis. While I'm sending Aven a string of my own emojis that showcase my disgust, Larine spoke up, "I'm surprised you're not dating that Clayton guy."

My head whipped in her direction. "Excuse me?" Mariam and Yasmeen both let out laughs at the shock in my voice. "What?" 

"You two are always so close," She said. "I thought you'd be together by now."

"You think Clayton likes me?" That seemed impossible. I've seen the girls that Clayton went out with since last year. The girls that took his attention. I looked nothing like them. Besides, we were good friends. We were not that.

"He's touchy around you," Larine said. "I saw you guys just before you all left to go to Parkdale during Homecoming and he pays a lot of attention to you."

"Hmm," Yasmeen sat up, eyebrows furrowed. "You know that would make sense. I mean, he's friends with us because of you and if I text him about an event he usually asks if you're coming."

"That's true. He doesn't come to a pregame if you aren't there," Mariam's eyes went wide. "Thinking about it now? He's so into you. He gives you googly eyes." 

My jaw dropped, "No."

Mariam nodded. "Yes."

"No. I can't see it."

"It would make sense that you can't tell. You friendzone the shit out of him every single time." Mariam drawled.

"Do I really?"

"You don't use the word buddy more than you usually use when you're with him," Yasmeen said.  "It's valid."

"Well, fuck," I made a face, glancing down at my phone again when it lit up.

Aven: you don't like my emojis?

"No," I said, looking up at my roommates. "I don't think Clayton thinks of me that way."

"He does," Larine said. I bristled with annoyance, rubbing my elbow. She rarely hung out with all of us. How would she know? Maybe an outside perspective was needed for actions that we were so comfortable with but still. Yet with Yasmeen and Mariam agreeing with her, there was a possibility that it was true.

But Clayton? "Shit, why'd you guys tell me that? Now it's gonna be weird."

"No, it's not," Mariam said. "You think it's going to be weird but if we know you, you're just going to forget about it. You'll move on."

"If it was a random person I might forget about it," I said. "But this is Clayton."

Me: No lmao but good luck on your game dumbass.

I froze. Fuck. The dumbass was usually resolved for my closer friends. Like Iman when he was annoying me. Or Yasmeen when she would send me a tweet in the middle of the day of something stupid.

Aven: thanks dumbass.

My shoulders relaxed. I had never been wound up about a message to someone before. His text is followed by another string of random emojis.

I put my phone away, facing my roommates. "I see Clayton three times a week."

"And you friendzone him at least three times a week," Yasmeen said. "Just play it cool. You'll be fine."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No, not fine. The following Monday, I was walking out of the building when Clayton met me outside, two double double coffees in his hands.

Excitement in his eyes? Check. Interest in his voice? Check. Attentiveness? Check. But that was always Clayton. That was that him with everyone else. "So the plan for Saturday?" He asked as we made our way to the bus stop.

"Hit up all the house parties, see which one is worthwhile and go back to that one or if all fails, we go to Outlaw."

"Or Summit." Summit was a bar and a club on the north side of Jasper Bay.

"Summit's gross. All the play is the same EDM music. They have to switch it up."

"We could hit up Found Life." A club close to Summit.

"We're not hitting up Found Life. No one wants to be there and the DJ sucks. Plus, the name of it sounds like a commercial for a pill to solve a mid-life crisis," Clayton and I shared a laugh. "You only like Found Life because they have stripper poles. And you went crazy last year on your birthday, buddy."

Shit. I did say buddy around him.

Clayton's cheeks went pink as he shrugged helplessly. "C'mon, don't act like you didn't have a good time too."

He wasn't wrong. That was a good night. "Anyways, Mari said you're coming to our place to pre and inviting a few people."

"Yeah, just a few. That cool?"

"How much are a few people?"

"Four? Ten? Twenty? You'll find out."

"You sound like Iman," I said as we stood at the bus stop. "Social butterflies."

"Iman knows everyone," Clayton said. He wasn't wrong. Iman did know at least one person where we went. "What are you doing later tonight? Do you still got midterms?"

"I got one more on Friday and another after reading week but those are easier classes. You?"

"I'm done," He flashed me a happy grin. "If you wanna hang out later tonight, text me."

"I can't tonight," I said, my teeth ripping into a hangnail on my thumb. "I have a meeting with the piano club on campus then I got work to do."

"We have a piano club? You mean music club?"

"No, like direct piano. Herringway Piano Society." I pushed aside the possibility of any chance of Clayton feeling anything for me as I explained to him everything that Laurence told me. That I applied for the committee position under Laurence's positions to which he had told me I was going to get due to my piano skills and the fact that we were now friends, I was a shoo-in. That and not many people knew about the club anyway.

The topic of piano came up again when I was at Sheppard Valley Long Term Care home. I was running a memory exercise along with other volunteers, each of us divided with our own group of seniors. I finished following the numbered pattern I wanted everyone in my group to make along the numbered carpet when it was their turn, I said to Ms. Green, "I played piano a few days ago." 

"Wow," She said as we watched one person approach the carpet. "You haven't even touched the piano in the other room since I first met you in August at the first session."

"It was just to show a few friends." It felt good to play the piano again. I needed a little moment to forget the stress of the semester.

"What's his name?"

"I--" I took a step back, staring at her in shock. My clipboard I held to take the information down almost fell out of my mind. "I don't play the piano because of a guy."

"What's his name?" She repeated.

"It doesn't matter," I said. "What matters is that I played. And I'm happy I played."

"How many songs did you play for him?" She wasn't going to let this go. The smirk on her face was starting to aggravate me.

"I didn't play because of a guy! He just—he wanted to see me play."

"And you played."

"Yes," I exclaimed, focusing on the next person who stepped up to the carpet. "I played. Can we remove the word play from my vocabulary now?" 

"What did he say?"

I shrugged. "He said I was good."

Actually, after a few songs Laurence kept throwing at me with sheet music, Aven had said, 'you're better than good, Jamie'.

We had all spoken for a while that night before retreating back to the library. Aven listened to me and Laurence discuss our years of piano training. I learned that Laurence grew up in Northern Ontario, doing well in his competitions in that region of the province over the years.

Ms. Green seemed to want to know more but she didn't press on the matter, changing the subject. "Are you coming to the baking event in a few days?"

"I can't. I'm volunteering at this construction thing around that time."

"What construction thing?"

I marked down the results of the previous person on the paper. "I'm building houses."

Ms. Green didn't like the sound of that. She crossed her arms. "It's negative 15 degrees outside."

No, it wasn't. Maybe with wind chill. "It's for a good cause."

"Is it because of that research thing?"

"Yeah," I mumbled. I had no interest in building houses but Josiah said to do things that make you stand out from other candidates and this was one of them. Hell, I was only in that biology club because of this too. Luckily, all the tasks I had to do in my position was easy and not time-consuming. "I was talking to Josiah. The smart guy? He did it last year. Said it was fun."

"Jaime, my darling," She shook her head. Her long earrings jangled with her movements "You're a fool."

"What? Why? How?" I sputtered. "I mean, it isn't my ideal way to spend an afternoon but--"

"You're not going to like it, honey. I know you. Granted, I haven't known you that long, but I know you."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"You have many interests but working in construction is not one of them," Ms. Green stepped up to the carpet, looking down at the numbers as she started to repeat my previous movements. "Are you going with a friend?"

"I tried to get Yasmeen to come but she said no." Actually, she said 'if my mother walks into the room in the next five minutes I'll go'. Her mother didn't walk into the room.

Ms. Green paused, eyes down on the number eight in front of her. Her right foot hovered between the number eight and nine. I swallowed, the two of us silent unlike the rest of the room that was bustling with conversation.

Nine. She had to step on nine.

When her foot placed directly on nine, I breathed a sigh of relief. "You should follow her lead," Ms. Green continued as she managed to finish the pattern. "Yasmeen has a good head on her shoulders."

"Yasmeen's the same girl who distracts me with soap operas we end up watching until 5 AM."

"What about the other girl you talk about? Mariam?" She asked as another person moving on the proper numbers on the carpet.

"Mari has a stop sign in her room. For Halloween weekend, she wants to get a yield sign or a traffic cone. She wants a collection."

"You have a distractor and a klepto," Yup. Those were my best friends. Ms. Green looked amused. "What about your other roommate? What's her name again?"

I sighed. "Larine. We're not really friends. We kind of just tolerate each other's presence because we live together."

That was fine with me. At least she wasn't a serial killer or a thief. Living with people I barely knew? That had been my main concern when it came to her. Luckily, despite us barely speaking to each other for the past few months, she didn't show any criminal tendencies. 

"Either way, you're not going to like it."

"Ms. Green."

"Jaime." She casted a wry glance in my direction before watching the person finish the pattern on the carpet.

She was wrong. I'd like it.