Chapter 11

See the thing about dolls is that they can look real. They can be realistic. They can have a version of our eyes. They can have a version of a smile. They can even get a smile molded into their plastic. But the thing about dolls was that at the end of the day. They weren't real. They were fake.

I walk into the lunchroom and it just feels like a million eyes look over at me. People are smiling at me more than they normally do. Natalie Hall, who is pretty popular in her own right for being the captain of the dance team stops me.

"Hey Yogi," she smiles.

She's never spoken to me before.

"Hey."

"I was going to have a get together at my house," she states, "My cousin got that good loud from Cali. He's going to smoke us out. Maybe you can come. Maybe you can bring Kordell with you. Here. I'll text you the address."

She takes a pen out and starts writing down her number as though I care. I just hear Kordell and I completely blank out. I look around the lunchroom. Sure enough Kordell is there. He's in the lunchroom. I can see people walking up to the table. There weren't enough seats for those people. That was clear. That didn't stop his adoring fans from going up to the table and paying their respects. It was pathetic but then again this was Lionsdale.

She finishes writing down the number. And when I look at Kordell, he's staring over at me. He's not interested in Natalie. A year ago he probably would have jumped at the chance to get with her. Now she was just some girl to him. He was a king. The king saves me a seat. He looks over at me and taps the chair. The motherfucker taps the seat he's been saving for me and adds a smile. As though I should forget what he did to me. As though everything was OK.

"I'll think about it," I tell Natalie.

I walk away. I wasn't going to go to her stupid fucking get together. I didn't give a shit about a Natalie Hall, Monique Anderson, Cheyenne Wesley or any of the other wannabe bitches who were all of a sudden paying me attention because I hung with the popular kids.

Shit changed after I realized how fake we had really become.

I look over and see him.

Adonis.

He's sitting alone. He has food in front of him but he isn't eating. He is just playing with it. I think he chose to sit alone at this point. Micah and his other friends were still sitting together. He just doesn't look like he wants to be bothered.

And I can't help myself.

"Can I sit here?" I ask him.

"Why?"

He looks up at me. His face is just full of angst. He doesn't trust me. I can see it written all over.

"Please..."

He shrugs. It's only been a few days since he got the text from Kordell and Candice. They wanted him to hate me. They wanted to show me that they could make him hate me. The look on his face right now makes it seem like they've succeeded.

"I don't want any drama," he states, "Your boyfriend is looking over this way."

Sure enough Kordell's welcoming face had turned into something else. When I turn he's eyeing me. He looks annoyed. He mouths the words "get over here" as though I'm his. He's saying the words as though I have to do what he says. He's been texting me nonstop since we had sex. I haven't responded not one time. I haven't even read his messages.

"He's not my boyfriend," I tell Adonis.

"I wouldn't know."

"You could have shared that video," I realize when I'm talking to Adonis, "You could have outed Kordell."

"You know that's not me," Adonis responds.

I nod. I knew that much about him. I think Kordell and Candice knew as well. Adonis had always been around the bullshit his friends had done in the past, but he never participated. I didn't know if that meant I should respect him or not respect him. At this point, I felt like him. I understood.

"I'm so sorry it happened," I explain to him.

"Why are you explaining anything to me?"

"We both know why," I state, "Because I like you and you know that I like you...."

He lifts his eyes up at that moment. Our eyes connect. It means something to him that I say what I say at that moment. I've never been so nervous. Not even when I went under the knife. Here was the boy that I always wanted and I didn't want to hold back anymore.

"You have a weird way of showing it," Adonis explains to me.

"I know and I'm sorry. It's just that at this point we are on the opposite sides of things. At this point, my friends hate your friends. Your friends hate my friends. It was just so hard."

"You always avoid difficult things, Yogi?"

It was a good question. I didn't like this. I didn't fucking like how things were. I open my bookbag at that moment.

"I got you something..."

"Yogi..."

"Wait. Please just let me give it to you."

I take out a doll at that moment. It wasn't a plastic doll. It was a rag doll. The doll was a doll of a boy. It was beaten up and it was missing one eye. It had yarn for hair. It was a bit dirty and a mess. He grabs it out of my hand and for a moment I wonder what he's thinking of me.

"A rag doll?" he asks.

He seems so confused that I'm giving this to him.

"It's the male version of Raggedy Ann."

"Raggedy Andy?"

"You know about it?" I ask him.

I'm the one who is surprised at this point. Not too many people knew about Raggedy Andy. Not too many people played around with this it when they were younger.

"I always wanted one," he states, "When I was a kid. My dad, of course, said it was gay. He never got me one. He never...um..."

He stops talking all of a sudden. For some reason, it means even more that I'm giving this to him now. He just stares at the doll. He looks like he has more to say about his relationship with his dad. For some reason, it's always been a sore spot. I wait to see if he comes out with it, but it seems like he doesn't want to talk about it. He just holds the doll, staring at it.

I realize that maybe I should help tell my own story.

"My mother was the opposite growing up. I think she always knew I was...different. She didn't mind a boy playing with dolls. Back then she was...different. So different. I didn't get many things from my mother before she was gone."

"What happened to her?"

"She didn't die. left. She went to rejoin her family. The O'Neils."

"Your mother is an O'Neil?" he asks and then all of a sudden something seems to click for him, "Yara? Your mother is Micah's aunt Yara isn't she?"

I nod, "She left me to rejoin the family. Couldn't take me. I was the son of a poor man that my grandfather didn't want to have anything to do with. Ever since then nothing was really real anymore. This Raggedy Andy doll was the last thing that meant anything to me."

I'm surprised when he looks over at me at that moment.

"I can't take this..." he tells me.
"It's the last thing that was real to me. Ever since then...everything was...fake. I want to give you something real. I want you to know how I feel about you is real. I know it's not much."

"It's everything," he responds.

He is just staring at me. I'm just staring at him. I didn't mind separating with the doll. Even if he didn't forgive me. Even if he didn't really appreciate it. I felt like Adonis was always my first. Adonis was always the guy who I'd come to school to see if he said a single word to me. He's the one guy who I got butterflies in my stomach because I saw his perfect smile. I wanted him to have something that meant something to me. Adonis doesn't seem he would not appreciate it though.

It's the opposite. I watch how he pulls it close. He's so careful with it. He's so soft with it. He doesn't say a word at that moment but it's so loud. There was something there. A spark. A soft smile that spreads across his face.

We're interrupted before either of us say a word.

"Come on," Marisol states.

Marisol has walked across the cafeteria. She literally has put her hands on me at this moment. She has this look on her face that seems like she is completely aware of the moment I was just having with Adonis.

"I'm fine where I am," I tell Marisol.

I didn't have a problem with Marisol. Not now at least. She hadn't had her head gassed up like Candice.

Marisol leans into me. I can tell she doesn't want to speak in front of Adonis. It's awkward with Adonis sitting there. His eyes are wandering as though letting us know he doesn't want anything to do with the bullshit drama going on. I'm so embarrassed that she's here right now.

"They are getting mad," Marisol warns me, whispering in my ear, "We did this together. You belong over there with us. You talking to him in public...is not a good look. We are the popular ones now. You don't want to get them mad. You know it and I know it."

I'm not sure if Adonis hears what Marisol is whispering. I doubt it. He'd probably be pissed. Marisol was basically telling me that she didn't want me to resuscitate Adonis's reputation by having lunch with him. The tables have turned and they didn't want to rearrange our seating.

I look back at the Dollhouse. The new dollhouse. They are all staring my way, including Richard. All of them wanting to know what I do. All of them wondering why I was sitting here with Adonis.

"I'm not scared of them," I state.

I say it loud. Loud enough for Adonis to hear. He looks over at me at that moment. I want to let him know whose side I was on in this. I was on his side. He was the one who meant something to me. He was the one who meant everything to me. And he needed to know that.

He needed to know that even a doll could be something real.

"Not for you. For him..." Marisol whispers back.

All of a sudden, I feel bad. Marisol was here for a reason. She was delivering her threat from the Dollhouse. It may not have been coming from her specifically but it was just as fierce. It carried over the venom of Candice with it.

"You can go ahead," Adonis states.

"Adonis..."

"I'm not mad anymore," he responds, "Go ahead. Go to your friends."

Damn it. Had I fucked it up again? I get up from the table. If it was just for me I wouldn't have gone anywhere, but god knows what they would do to Adonis if I stuck around. So I get up from the table. I walk over to the table. As soon as I walk over I can see Candice staring at me. She has a smile on her face when I take the only open seat next Kordell.

Kordell can't keep his eyes off of me. He's doing it on the corner of his eyes but I can see him watching me the whole time.

"You OK?" he asks me.

I look over at Adonis. Adonis has his eyes glued on me. They are literally glued. Fuck the boy was so sexy. He's is holding the doll that I gave him but I can't read his expression. Was he glad I gave him the doll? Was he concerned that I went to go sit with my friends? The feeling of not knowing is scaring the fuck out of me.

"He's fine," Candice responds, "He made the right choice. He'll always come back to the winning team."

For a moment I forget that it's Candice talking. For a moment I could have sworn it was Serena. She sounded like Serena. She has this confident smile on her face. One of those cocky smiles that says that she can't be touched and she knows it. I want to argue with her but she had a point. Maybe it was just out of my league at this point. I was at the popular table. I should be happy.

"You missed the news," Richard states, "Micah was running for class president when the cheating scandal got caught. Guess who is running against him and winning?"

Richard waves his hand. He's proud. It was no wonder they were going after Micah's academics. Richard looked really pumped. This was a guy who no one paid attention to not too long ago and now he was about to be the class, president?

"Glad to hear it," I state.

I look back over at Adonis. He is still watching me. It's so fucking intense. It's beyond intense. Our eyes connect. I wonder what is going on in his mind. I wonder why he is staring at me so fucking hard at that moment. Butterflies are circling my stomach. I realize his right leg is tapping. It's tapping slowly but steadily as though he has something in his mind. Something must be bothering him. Something must be getting to him.

"You don't sound glad to hear it," Richard calls me out.

I'm not surprised. He's a doll now. Everything has to be about him. What did he want? Did he want me to praise him for the fact that he has maneuvered his way into prominence at the expense of someone else? Did he want me to get up and give a victory speech to the whole school? I didn't understand what the fuck he wanted. All I knew was that shit was bad.

"He's glad. He's just a little upset about the little prank we did on him," Candice explains.

"Prank? That's what you call it?" I ask.

I'm trying not to lose my cool. It's hard when Candice has this innocent smile on her face as though she hadn't betrayed my trust and friendship. It's nothing to her. Her smile gets a little wider. She crosses her arms and looks over at me.

"He's below you," Candice responds.

The guy's father was running for president. At least Thorn saw the big picture with this. Candice was so small minded. Every moment I spend with her it was clear she just cared about what was in front of her. I didn't care about Thorn's plot and I didn't care about Candice's. I'm tired of all the plotting. All I cared about was Adonis and there was no way in hell I was going to let these people get in the way of what I had with him.

"We came up with an idea," Kordell states out of nowhere.

"I came up with the idea," Marisol interrupts, "These guys just agreed to it."

"What idea?" I ask.

Kordell is the one who seems the most excited to say it, "Me and you clearly...have something going on. And Candice has agreed to be my beard while we pursue it."

"And we can all go back to being great. Together," Marisol adds.

"You want to be my secret boyfriend?" I ask.

I ask it in a gesture. I think it's some sort of joke. I get Marisol thought she was patching things up between Candice and I. Candice is sitting there gloating as though she was this great friend who was sacrificing something for me. I wonder if she expects me to say thank you. Then there is the rest of them. They are so pompous and into themselves. Kordell just assumes I want to be with him. The look on his face makes it seem like I wouldn't have any other option but to do that.

"No one has to know," Marisol explains.

I roll my eyes, "I'll pass."

The bell rings at that moment. People are starting to get up. Thank god. Saved by the bell. I look down at the table and realize how the entire table seems so shocked and dismayed at what I just said. It's as though I had just disrespected them or something.

Kordell gives me a hard look, "We can actually be together..."

"Thanks, but...uh...no."

I am almost off the table when Kordell grabs me, "What is your fuckin' problem Yogi?"

Just when I'm about to pull my arm away I see someone pull my arm away from me. I am shocked when I see Adonis standing there. I hadn't seen him cross the cafeteria. I hadn't seen him walk towards me. All I know was that he was there before I knew it.

"Excuse me," he tells Kordell, "I had something I had to give to Yogi."

"Yo bro...back the fuck up...can't you see I'm talking to him."

"I had something I had to give to Yogi. It'll just take a second."

That's when the world stops. The world stops because Adonis kisses me. He kisses me in the middle of the lunchroom. He kisses me in front of all of the people in the lunchroom. It's not just a regular kiss. It's one of those legendary kisses. One of those kisses you get from classic romances. Like Romeo and Juliet. Like Westside Story.

It was one of those kisses where I lean back as he secures my head in his muscular arms. He presses his lips up against mine. Our tongues enter each other mouths. Everyone in the room disappears. The whole cafeteria gets quiet. Maybe they've stopped walking. Maybe they were all shocked about what was going on.

None of that mattered.

This kiss was...legend.

"Holy shit," I state.

Everyone is staring at us. Now I knew why Adonis was looking so nervous after I had given him the doll. He was nervous because he was thinking about coming up to me and doing this. It definitely was the most shocking thing that probably would happen in the school all year. Everyone was around to see it. The bell had just rung so everyone was up. Everyone was aware of the kiss. Everyone.

And Adonis didn't give a fuck.

He turns to Kordell and then just nods, "Carry on."

~

I'm heading out the lunchroom. I can hardly walk. That's when I see Kordell walking behind me. He grabs me by my arm. He swings me around hard. It's clear he's pissed about what just happened in the lunchroom.

"You just going to embarrass us like that?" he states shaking his head, "Richard is attempting to spin it right now telling everyone it was some sort of dare. You could have ruined everything!"

I didn't care if Richard tried to spin it or not. I could care less about anything like that. I press my fingers to my lips. Right now all I felt was Adonis. I could still taste him.

"Kordell now is not the time."

"When is the time? We need to talk about this. We need to talk about us," he responds, "Tonight then. Tonight I'll order take out. I can forgive you for what happened at that table if..."

"I don't want forgiveness Kordell."

"What?"

"I'm not apologizing," I explain to Kordell, "And I'm not coming home with you. I'm going back home to my dad. I can't pretend like I want to be with you because I don't. It's Adonis, for me. It's always been Adonis, for me."

He gives me a hard look. He's pissed. He's beyond pissed. I walk away feeling Kordell's anger. I knew I had just poked the bear but at the same time, I couldn't be fake. Not anymore. From now on I had to keep it real.

~

I get home that night. I walk in and expect my dad to be upset. He seems shocked when I walk through the door. His eyes are just staring at me. He's been watching television when I walk in.

"Dad...I'm sorry...I..."

My father doesn't even seem to care about anything that happened. He runs towards me in a way only a father can. He grabs me. He pulls me close burying my head in his chest. We stand there for a few minutes embracing. And I know at that moment none of it matters. I know at that moment no matter what I looked like or what I did, he's always been there for me just like he always had.

When my mother left I felt this resentment towards him. I blamed him for it. If only he was a straight and narrow kind of guy. If only he had money to support us. We'd be able to keep this family together. I blamed him for everything.

At that moment, in his arms, none of it mattered. Not a damn thing.

~

My father drops me off at school the next day, "See you tonight?"

"See you tonight," I respond.

He plays with my hair. He smiles. I can tell he's just happy I'm back. I've tried to apologize for how I treated him but at the same time, I don't think he's even a little bit interested in hearing it.

I walk out of the car and by the time I walk to my locker, I realize that Adonis was waiting for me at my locker. People are staring at us. I don't know what they are thinking but they aren't even attempting to hide the fact that they are staring at us.

"Hey," I state.

"Hey..." he responds.

You would think we were having a knife fight butt naked by how people stop in the hallways to stare at us. They aren't trying to hide it. They aren't even trying to be a little bit coy about it. They are just fucking staring.

"I feel like I'm a reality TV show."

"Let's give them something to change the channel," he responds.

That's when he kisses me again. Fuck. His lips are beyond warm. They press up against me. The warmth of his lips is something that feels so real.

"You know Richard is going around telling everyone that kiss was a dare," I state.

"I heard," he laughs, "I'm tired of making excuses. Someone sent an email to my dad. Supposedly a picture is floating around of us kissing."

"Damn. I'm sorry about that. I know your dad is a real big Conservative..."

"I'm not sorry," he states.

He leans in and holds my hand at that moment. Our hands press up against one another. He smiles. It's a real smile. Nothing plastic about it.

"So what does this mean?"

"It means I want to take you out on a date," he responds, "A real date."

"Fuck. I'm ready now."

"He laughs. We have school and I have a game after school," he responds, "But how about you come to the game, cheer me on and then after the game we go celebrate."

"You that confident you are going to win?"

"If you're watching I'm definitely winning," he responds with a sexy ass smile and wink, "But that's not what I'm celebrating."

He bites his lip. I bite mine. We stare at one another. Then he leans in and kisses me again. And again. And again.

And it feels like I'm in a dream. I'm in a dream and I don't want to wake up.

~

The basketball game is lit. I'm sitting next to Marisol and Richard. Candice has joined the cheerleading team. She's on the floor. Right next to her is Ivy. The two had been getting really close. Ivy was the captain of the cheerleading team. From here I could see her just kissing Candice's ass though. I felt sorry for Ivy. She should have known better. Knowing Candice, it's only a matter of time before she is captain of said cheerleading team.

I'm cheering Adonis on. He's on fire. He's been on fire all night. He's been shooting threes and dribbling the ball like a damn champ.

I can't take my eyes off him. I can't believe he likes me.

I can't believe this is actually happening.

It feels too good to be true.

And that's when I see Thorn. He's entered the gym. No one else notices with all the people at the basketball game. He signals to me and then disappears into the hallway. I get up.

"Where are you going?" Richard asks me.

"I'll be back."

I get up and make my way over towards the hallway. When I get out into the hallway Thorn is there. He looks at me. Our eyes lock at that moment and we are walking. I haven't seen Thorn in a while. He barely comes to class. He is a man on a mission and it seems like the last thing he's really interested in was school.

"You back?" I ask.

"I've been having to deal with a very angry Benefactor," he states.

I could imagine.

"Things are getting...out of control," I admit to Thorn.

"I realize that," Thorn responds, "I'm not angry at you. As a matter of fact, you're the only one who is doing what you're supposed to be doing. The others are just supposed to support you. Give you a cushion so you could seduce Adonis."

We are in the bathroom at this point. Thorn is in the mirror. He looks at me. He's looking me up and down with his same usual mysterious look.

"Thorn, this thing with Adonis is real."

Thorn looks over at me, "The benefactor doesn't care if it's real or not. As long as you get the job done. Adonis's father is aware of it now. He'll probably drop out of the race."

"Is it that serious?"

"He's one of the most conservative figures in America. A gay son is a big deal. He'll sound like a hypocrite after preaching so much about it. This is what the Benefactor wanted. The O'Neil's can't win. Your mother is proving to be a snake."

"Don't talk about my mother like that."

"Oh, now you want to defend her?" Thorn asks, "The woman who abandoned you. She did it for power. You don't mean anything to her. She is very influential. If your mother was the first lady, the O'Neil's would run the country."

I had to admit. My mother's plot made me sick. What kind of woman abandoned her only son for ambition? What kind of woman left her family to marry another man? I just shake my head. It all made me sick. It made me so sick.

"Well if he drops out of the race, I'm done right?"

"You're done."

"Good. People will finally leave me and Adonis alone," I respond.

Thorn nods, "That's actually why I'm here. I've been monitoring the situation with Candice. Like I said...they are getting out of control and the Benefactor isn't happy. You'll need to protect Adonis."

"From what?"

He puts a finger to his mouth. I see him pull out his phone. That's when I notice something. It's a surveillance cam. Did Thorn have surveillance in the school? Is that why he was never around? Had he been watching us from far away?

I am about to ask him what that is but then he grabs me all of a sudden.

Thorn pulls me into a stall. He signals me to help me climb up on the toilet seat. I'm confused at why we're standing on a toilet seat. I'm confused why this guy has his arm wrapped around me in the way that he does. I feel uncomfortable being this close to Thorn.

Suddenly, the door opens.

"Is it really about to happen?" Richard states.

I'm surprised it's Richard. I'm about to get off the toilet seat and go talk to him but I'm stopped. I'm stopped by Thorn. Thorn grabs me and puts a finger to my mouth. It's clear what we are doing. We are spying. I look through the hole and see Richard isn't alone. Richard is with Kordell.

"Don't be a pussy about it, Richard," Kordell responds, "Do you got the stuff? I have to get back to the locker room before halftime is over."

Richard hands Kordell something. Just at that moment, I see Kordell go over the sink. He has something in foil. He takes a sniff of it! I had no idea that Kordell did coke. He sniffs his lines over and over. His eyes are bloodshot red when he looks in the mirror. He gets the white powder all over his jersey and brushes it off rather quickly.

"I'm not being a pussy," Richard responds, "This is bigger than what we usually do though. I mean Braden deserved what he got."

"You don't think Adonis deserves what he's about to get?"

"All he did was steal Yogi."

That's when something happens. Something that shocks me. Kordell punches Richard. He punches Richard hard in the face. Richard falls to the ground.

"HE DID NOT STEAL MY YOGI FROM ME!" Kordell growls.

I'm shocked by it. I look over at Thorn. I remember when Thorn literally had to pull Kordell off of me at the recovery center. Had he seen something in Kordell that I hadn't seen? Kordell hitting Richard right now was kind of scary. It was straight up crazy. Richard hits the floor. His nose is gushing blood.

"Oh fuck," Richard yells.

"See what you made me do," he responds, "Get up."

"I'm sorry," Richard states with this hint of fear in his voice.

He was apologizing to Kordell for Kordell hitting him. I feel so bad for Richard. He's afraid of Kordell. It's written all over his face at this moment. Kordell just nods as though accepting Richard's apology before taking another line of coke.

Kordell wasn't who I thought he was. It wasn't even nowhere close.

"Yogi belongs to me," Kordell states, "Candice is letting me have him."

"Was this her plan so that you can be Captain of the Basketball team and replace Adonis?" Richard asks.

Plan? What plan?

"Of course. She paid the other guys on the team. Adonis is going to take a nice little fall. And never going to get up again."