BEAU

Sneaking my arm from under Emma's mop of blonde hair, I quietly slip out of bed and grab Zeus's leash from the side table. Instantly, he jumps to his feet with a soft humph, stomping his front paws in excited anticipation.

"Sh, boy," I whisper, stepping into my jeans that had been discarded to the floor. Smirking, I let visions of Emma's surprise take over my mind before finally kneeling to tie my boots. I stand and check Emma to make sure I didn't disturb her. Despite my efforts, her brow creases in her sleep before she finally stretches out and opens her eyes with a yawn.

Maybe even in sleep she can sense when I'm around, the way I know on some subconscious level when I'm with her.

"You're leaving?" Her voice cracks the way it sometimes does in the mornings.

Now my own brows furrow as I cock my head at her. "Only for a little." Brushing a strand of hair from her eyes, I mumble, "I'll be back before you're even up again."

Emma's dainty hand clasps onto mine tightly so I can't pull it from her cheek. Her lids flutter closed as she lets out a sigh, her chest rising and falling heavily as she almost slips back to sleep.

"Don't," She breathes softly.

My lips turn up at the corners. Today is going to be one of the hardest I've had in awhile. Knowing it doesn't make facing it any easier. Some force nearly pulls my body back into bed with Emma, longing to wrap itself in her limbs and stay safe there.

If only. Dr. Dex would call that a distraction.

I trail a finger up Emma's exposed rib cage, watching the goose bumps rise with my touch, her breath quicken at the contact.

So beautiful.

"Beck called after I saw him. He knows I'm here now and wants me to reconsider getting to know him." Part of me hopes she's already asleep again, too far into her own mind to hear my rambling.

Of course, she is immediately alert - picking her head up and watching me intently, brown eyes wide with concern.

"Will you?" Her fingers twist her blonde strands into a knot on the top of her head as she sits up straighter. "Reconsider?"

"No." I shake my head, sensing her disappointment. I know she doesn't understand and there have been many times when I've felt like a dick complaining to her - she lost her parents and grandmother and would do anything to get them back. And here I am, pissed that my own brother wants to talk to me?

"He's your brother." Emma gives it one last try, tracing the dates on my knuckles instead of looking me in the eye.

Gently removing my hand from hers, I stand again and hook Zeus's leash to his collar. The old boy whines loudly, using a paw to scratch at my shin. Rolling my eyes to the ceiling, I curse my shrink for recommending a dog - he had to know somehow that I'd find the one animal truly as impatient as I am.

Silently grabbing the rest of my things, I halt at the door, hoping I can make Emma understand somehow. I turn to her and find her still staring at her fingers, wrinkling and then smoothing the sheets over and over.

"Brother or not - it doesn't mean anything to me now." I sigh, running a hand over my hair. "Because it never meant anything to him back when I needed it to."

Emma is on her feet and crossing the room in nothing but her underwear as soon as the words leave my mouth. The sight would send me wild if her expression didn't look so distraught. She wraps her long arms around my neck and buries her face in my chest.

"I'm sorry, you're right. It's your family and not my business." She pulls back and cups my face between her hands, holding me firmly in place. "I just love you so much, I wish other people could know you the way that I do."

I smile and kiss her gently even though I disagree: no one knows me like she does and no one ever will. She discovered parts of me that I never knew existed and for that, they are hers alone, forever.

Still, her undying faith in me lodges a lump in my throat, so I hold her tightly without saying anything for a minute. When we finally separate, I adjust my jeans over my crotch, cursing myself internally.

You'd think I was a teenage boy in puberty with the way my body reacts whenever Emma is around. But fuck, she is magnificent.

I tear my eyes from her perfect breasts to look at Zeus. He cocks his head at me suspiciously, like he can hear my thoughts.

"Want to come with us?" I ask as Zeus barks in protest. Maybe he can read my mind, after all.

Emma finishes pulling my Rolling Stones tank top over her torso - sans bra, which does nothing for the uncomfortable state of my crotch region - and smiles hugely.

"On your walk?"

I hold back a chuckle. Zeus is temperamental and to be honest, spoiled. When Emma started coming around more, he got jealous and would squish between us in the bed, on the couch, at dinner. I finally had to give him private walks - time between just he and myself - before he started being nicer to Emma again.

"We've got a stop to make, if that's okay." My fingers automatically find the nail polish on my thumb and start picking mindlessly.

I do want her there.

That's what's scary - the desire to have her with me as I potentially fall apart. If I was sane, I'd keep her as far away from me as I possibly could, keep this side of me, the broken and hurting boy on the inside, hidden from someone as brilliant as her.

And yet... I'm afraid to do this alone.

"Of course it is," Emma is beside me at the door now, fully dressed in ripped jeans and converse. "I've never seen Boston before."

***

Like LA, I never got the hype over Boston, not even when I lived just a couple of towns over. Maybe that's why I never got it - it was so close, so normal, that I never saw the appeal. It was one of my dad's favorite spots to go driving after a royal fuck up - some pastry from Mom's favorite bakery normally paved the way for his half assed apology and then all was forgiven. It had to be, if we didn't want to make him mad again.

The city, like most cities, has a homeless problem which is sad to see in itself, but also means that I have to keep a careful eye on both Emma and Zeus. Emma, because I don't want her to go broke giving every person all the money she has with her, and Zeus because... well, because he tends to attack anyone who isn't me.

As we walk down the crowded sidewalk, Zeus tugs against my grip and my security trails some yards behind us since Rocco is officially tired of my shit. Emma keeps her eyes to the sky, taking in the tall buildings and high end boutiques. I watch to see if anything in particular catches her eye, but nothing seems to. The smile never leaves her face as she just observes it all, randomly commenting on history facts that she remembers from her college classes.

She fits in here, amongst the bustle of the young crowd - women with their noses in books at the cafe, or maybe hanging out with those hipster guys who drink kombucha. She could go out at night with her girl friends - I can especially see Gemma enjoying the club scene.

Without realizing, I squeeze Emma's hand tighter, selfishly hoping she never comes to the same realization.

After a bit of walking, I've taken us a ways off the beaten path and to a small cemetery. Having already done his business, Zeus is impatient beside me, pulling on his leash to investigate the many smells surrounding us.

Finally realizing where we are, Emma looks at the sign before turning to me, brows raised. As I try to find the words to explain, I'm struck again by the realization that she deserves more. Someone who tells her everything, someone who knows how to share that with her.

"When Beck told me he was expecting a kid, he also told me that my mom passed away." I keep my eyes focused on the rows of headstones in front of me, trying not to focus too hard. Cemeteries are harder when you're actually looking for one name, in particular. "I looked it up. She was sick," I kick the loose gravel at my feet, feeling Emma's grip on my arm tighten.

"I'm so sorry." She rests a palm on my cheek and I lean into it, eyes closed tightly.

When I finally feel like I can face her, I open them and speak. "I don't even know which plot is hers."

Emma doesn't tell me that it's okay and I'm glad. Instead, she takes my hand and walks me through the gate, carefully scanning the rows with me until we find it. The cemetery is pretty empty, with the exception of an old pickup truck at the far end. An older man is busy tending to the flowers around one of the stones, his wife's, maybe.

As we walk the lanes, it's like I'm stuck in some sadistic limbo - my breath catches each time we approach a stone, terrified to see her name, but also knowing that deep down, one of them has to. The fact is that she died - I read the obituary - and she is buried here. What a sick joke it is - the brief moment between plots when I can imagine she's not gone at all.

I never would have thought I'd feel so strongly. Dad might have been an asshole, but when I left, I left Mom, too. She, Dad, Beck - they could have each other. I wasn't one of them and even though I loved her deep down, she was still a 'them.'

"Beau," Emma murmurs, pulling the sleeve of my jacket so that I stop walking.

For a second, it's like my heart stops beating, like my lungs pause mid-inhale. When things finally pick up again, the rush is painful - emotions I haven't felt in years pushing their way to the surface. I spent my entire life missing my mom, but it has never been quite so intense as in this moment.

"Beau?" Emma's voice is more frantic and close to my ear. Zeus's snout nudges at my face and I realize then that I've fallen to my knees in front of my mother's stone, arms hanging limply at my sides. The headstone is simple and already worn from weather - probably one of the cheapest ones her piece of shit husband could get. My fists clench involuntarily.

Emma puts an arm over my shoulders, doing her best to hold me close, gently smoothing my hair with her fingers. "I'm here, I've got you."

"This is my fault," I hear my voice but don't know how I've managed to speak.

"Sh, don't say that. It's not." A tear from Emma's face drips down my forehead and it hits me that I'm not crying.

Shouldn't I be?

"I should have-"

"She was sick. What could you have done?" Emma demands that I look at her, her expression stern as tears trail down her cheeks.

Words fail me as my mind lists the many ways I've let everyone down. Shame and embarrassment turn my mouth sour. I could've at least paid for treatment, couldn't I have? Maybe used the money I spent on my fucking rehab?

"If I'd never left..."

Emma's mouth pops open in surprise and I shut my own immediately. We don't talk about me leaving and it should stay that way.

"If you'd never left, she'd still have gotten sick and what would have happened to you?" Emma lays her hands on my chest and meets my eyes. She looks nervous - nervous, but determined. "Your father would have taken away everything that makes you who you are. She wouldn't have wanted that,"

"Who I am? She let me go, too." I track my fingers through my hair roughly, too many emotions confusing my thoughts. Zeus inches closer, his body pressed firmly against my side as he lets out a low whimper.

"Maybe she let you go because she knew you'd be happier, you'd get to be yourself." Emma sounds desperate, almost as desperate as I feel. Maybe she's right, but then again, Emma always sees the best in people.

I like to think that I see the truth. No mother should refuse her son, and yet, no son should let his mother wither away, either.

"We'll never know what she wanted." I shrug, a strange numbness taking over me. "Because she's dead."

Thanks for reading loves! Kinda an emotional chapter, I hope you enjoyed it! More inner Beau turmoil for my Beau-lovers❤️
Let me know what you think - can you believe we're already at chapter 30??
I can't!