Flames lick the air with tiny sparks floating towards the raven sky where clouds drift just enough to show a half-moon shimmering above the sea. The bottle of ale in my grip is cold as beads of moisture slide down my knuckles. I shouldn’t have come to the bonfire, but Lisa kept texting, insisting I make an appearance. 

Now every part of me regrets it as I stare at her across the sand, doing fire tricks while onlookers cheer her on. Julian is one of them. Except, unlike me, he’s not alone. Four of his guy friends and younger sister are with him. Some of those guys are complete douches. Especially Garrett. He took my v-card in high school and bragged to everyone. Then Julian beat him senselessly when students started teasing me about it. Three guys and a janitor had to pull him off, so I don’t understand why they remain friends, today. 

Music blares as people dance around the fire with glow sticks bouncing on their necks. Everyone is either high or drunk, and some a mixture of both, like the girl who keeps yelling that I’m beautiful. It almost feels accusatory. As if she can’t stand it.

“Just look at you!” She fluffs my curls and slurs. “The hair. The makeup. You’ve got it all going on. You’re gorgeous. Like so freaking beautiful.”

“Thanks…” I repeat for the umpteenth time and pluck her hand from my arm so she can stop stroking it. Her pupils are so dilated I can’t tell what color her irises are. 

“I mean it. You’re a total babe, and it’s not even fair.”

“Right…” I glance around, planning my escape. Hopefully, she doesn’t follow me. Moses texted that he's on his way, but time is dripping like molasses. 

“Do you ever mess with girls?”

“Huh?” 

“I mean, I’m not a lesbian or anything, and it’s like totally fine if you are, but like I’m not, but I wouldn’t be opposed to like making out with you right now.”

“No.” I cringe because who the hell is this woman, and can someone get her out of my face?

“Val, let’s take a walk.”

I shift towards the familiar voice to find Garrett standing there. He takes my elbow and steers me away. Although he’s the last person I want to talk to, I couldn’t be happier to see him at this moment.

“You looked like you needed saving,” he says as we navigate through the crowd.

“Thanks. She was too much.”

We make it to the edge of the dancing crowd, and as soon as we step outside of it, the air shifts. It goes from a humid smokiness to a cool breeze of the salty sea hitting my nostrils. There’s a large piece of driftwood, so Garrett motions to it. 

“Shall we sit?”

“Sure.”

Things have always been weird between us since the day Julian beat him silly and forced him to apologize in front of our classmates. I’d like to think he genuinely feels bad for humiliating me years ago, but despite his friendly gestures, he always reminds me he’s a jerk.

“You’re looking good, Val. Almost didn’t recognize you.” He runs the back of his finger up and down my arm. I roll my eyes.

“Nothing much has changed since the last time you saw me.”

“No, you definitely look hot tonight. It’s this top you’re wearing. It makes your tits look nice.” 

“Is that supposed to be a compliment?” I scoff.

“See, this is the problem with you, Val. You’re too uptight.”

“Seriously?” 

“Yeah, seriously. We could have had a real thing, but you’re too rigid.” 

“In what world could we have had a thing, Garrett?” 

“Oh, come on. Don’t you remember two years ago when we all took that snowboarding trip to Lake Tahoe? We had a moment on the slopes.”

“What?” I snort. “You mean when I fell and you helped me up and then tried eating my face?”

“As if! You had been flirting with me all day.”

“You have a strange definition of flirting.”

“Oh, come on, Val. I know this attitude you give me is just sexual tension,” he says with his hand making its way up my thigh. 

“I don’t think so.” I skyrocket from the driftwood. “I only tolerate you because, for whatever reason, Julian keeps you around, and this tension you feel is my disdain for you. Good night, Garrett.”

“Wait, come on…” he tugs my arm. “It doesn’t have to be like this.”

“Let her go,” I hear Julian say and thank God.

“Listen, we were just talking.” Garrett holds up his hands in surrender.

“And I’ve told you multiple times you’re not allowed to be alone with Val. Ever.” 

“Whatever.” Garrett rolls his eyes as he stands and brushes off his jeans. “Why don’t you just bang her and get it over with.”

“What was that?” Julian barks.

“Nothing.”

“That’s right. Now get lost.” 

A few awkward seconds pass as Garrett distances himself, and then it’s just Julian and me. I stand facing away from him with arms folded, but his stare burns my cheek. Perhaps if I ignore him long enough, he’ll leave. 

My pocket buzzes, so I take a peek at the screen, and it’s Moses letting me know he’s a few minutes away. Hallelujah.

“I’m still mad at you,” I finally say.

“And I still stand by every word I’ve said.”

“Like that security blanket insult?” I fire at him but continue looking away.

“Especially that.”

“Why especially that?”

“Because this is what you do, Val. It’s part of your abandonment issues. You form unhealthy relationships where you cling to people, and now you’re clinging to Moses.”

“I am not clinging to him!” I whip around to face him.

“No? Then how come you’ve been attached at the hip ever since Casanova?” 

“Because we like each other! Duh.”

“No, because your dad lives four hours away, and we’ve been arguing, and without me, you become a hermit, so here comes Mr. Hot Neighbor to the rescue. Bam. You have a new person to latch onto so you don’t feel alone.”

“Do you honestly think without you, I am nothing?”

“I think you have serious issues you need to sort through because of your mom… if that’s even who she is.”

“You have some nerve!” I shove him, but he snatches my wrists and locks me in place. 

“And you don’t have enough! Wake up, Val. There’s some bullshit going on with your dad, and my gut says the answers about Valentina start with him.”

“I don’t care.”

“You don’t care?” His eyes widen.

“I just want my life to go back to normal.”

“And I just want to know my best friend is safe. Your dad has a criminal record for burglary.”

“So what? It doesn’t prove anything. My dad couldn’t be more than twenty years old in that mugshot. Whatever he did is in the past, and he’s paid his dues.”

“I don’t buy it. There’s more to this, and you know it.” He releases my wrists.

“Yeah, well, once the DNA results come back, you’ll have your answers. Happy?”

“No, Val. I don’t like that we keep arguing. Or how stubborn you’re being. It’s a defense mechanism because you’re too scared to find out the truth. Except, you don’t have to be scared. I’ve got you.”

“You can’t always protect me, Julian. Ever since I told you about the encounter at the coffee shop, it’s been one thing after another, and I am tired. I want want to forget it all. Why can’t you understand?”

“I know. And I’m sorry for making things worse, but it’s only because I love you.” He cups my cheeks, and the bonfire light flickering across his face makes his eyes appear glossy. 

“I think I just need space.”

“Then I’ll back off.” He drops his hands. “If that’s what you want.”

“I do.” My pocket buzzes, and I know it’s Moses, so I step away. “Good night, Julian.”

∆∆∆

For the entire drive home, Moses listened while massaging my thigh as I told him about the bonfire. It’s what I like most about him. He listens, and when he speaks, it’s usually something well thought out and meaningful. 

Now we sit in his car beside the apartment as the window wipers swipe across the glass while rain hammers down. Moses shifts his body towards me and cups the back of my head with his hand. 

“I’m sorry you had a rough night.”

“It’s fine. I’m just glad you were able to come get me.”

“Yeah, about that…” He glances down, and his hand slides away from my head. “I’ve been thinking about what Julian said.”

“What do you mean?” My heart patters a little faster.

“Nothing bad. Just about how he called me your security blanket.”

“Ignore him. He was being an asshole.”

“But I can’t. There’s something I haven’t told you.”

“Like what?” I straighten and brace for whatever he’s about to say.

“My..." He takes a deep breath. "My parents died when I was sixteen.”

“I’m so sorry.” I take his hands in mine.

“I didn’t tell you before because you’re already going through a lot, so it didn’t feel right lumping my burden on you.”

“Your burden?” I furrow my brows. “How is them dying your burden?”

“They were teaching me to drive, and we had an accident. I survived, but they didn’t.”

“Oh, Moses. I’m so sorry,” I say, and he simply shakes his head.

“That accident changed me, but it also turned my siblings' lives upside down, and I carried around a lot of guilt. Not only that, I started clinging to people and relationships, and…” he trails off, but I can see the gears turning in his head.

“It’s ok. If it’s too hard to talk about, you don’t have to.”

“No, I want to.” He looks into my eyes. “Over the years, I formed unhealthy relationships where I stayed with toxic girlfriends because I was scared of being alone. Sometimes I even used drinking for external validation and to numb what I was feeling. Except it only made me feel worse. It wasn’t until nursing school that someone suggested I go to therapy. So I did, and it helped me understand my behavior and process the guilt I was carrying. So, ever since Julian said I’m your security blanket, I can’t get it out of my head.”

“Ignore him.”

“But I can’t. We’ve been spending so much time together and I'm worried I'm falling into old patterns. In the past, I moved fast in relationships and would cling, which I later learned in therapy is due to anxious attachment. So, I don't want my issues to ruin us. We need to slow down.”

“Oh…” is all I manage to say as my thoughts race because this suddenly feels like he’s breaking up with me. 

“Maybe tonight I should sleep at my place. Give us a little space?”

“Are you dumping me?” I blurt, and tears swarm my eyes.

“No.” He wrinkles his brows.

“Really? Because this feels like I’m being dumped.”

“That’s not what this is, Val. I swear. Just a little space.”

“I know what being dismissed feels like.” I yank off the seatbelt, and the buckle clacks the window. 

Everything is blurry from tears as I barrel my shoulder into the door and fling it open. Moses reaches for me, but I scurry out. As soon as the rain hits me, my teeth chatter from how frigid it is, and I’m drenched within seconds as I sprint to my apartment. Maybe I’m overreacting, or perhaps I’ve reached my limit on the number of letdowns I can handle? 

Once I’m inside the apartment, I close the door and sink to the floor with my back to it. Maybe I’m damaged, and everyone can see it, except me? 

I don’t even know who I am anymore. 

And what if Julian is correct, and my father isn’t a good man? 

The weight of this is all too much. With hands to my chest, I wail in the quiet of the living room. But it’s short-lived as a tap on the door causes me to fall silent and bolt upright.

“Valerie, please open up,” Moses says, his voice a bit strained against the patter of the rain. “I don’t want our night to end this way. Maybe I’m wrong for wanting space? Perhaps I am allowing Julian’s words to get to me, but I promise I’m not dumping you. I like you. A lot. Please open up.”

Without realizing it, I’m already on my feet and unlocking the door. Because there’s a desperation in his plea, and it’s not just the rain making him sound that way. The door creaks open, and when I gaze up, my heart squeezes. Maybe we’re both broken and need each other? Maybe two broken pieces can make each other whole? 

“Aw, babe.” His shoulders drop. “I hate that I’ve made you cry.”

Stepping aside, I allow him to enter, and his arms engulf me while closing the door with his foot.

“I’m sorry,” I say into his shoulder.

“For what?”

“For everything,” I reply, but I’m no longer comprehensible as my entire body trembles with the release of a cry. 

“Oh, my sweet, beautiful Val. You have nothing to apologize for.”

Moses starts kissing my cheeks and wiping my tears with his thumbs, over and over again. It’s gentle and desperate as he whispers apologies. So, I curl my fingers around his shirt and draw him closer. He’s soaked from the rain, but his body is warm when our lips meet in a salty kiss.

Then, desperation takes over as my arms weave around his neck, and he pulls my legs around his waist. We begin traveling towards the bedroom with our mouths locked. Except halfway there, Moses presses me against the hallway wall, where we fumble with each other's shirts. Our movements are hungry yet clumsy as my elbows knock into the framed photos and send them crashing to the floor. 

But neither of us care as we tug our shirts off in swift yanks. In the darkness and between heavy breaths, I run my fingers down Moses’s defined abdomen. How has it taken days to finally see the sculpture beneath the scrubs?

“Why are you so beautiful,” Moses says, and when I look up, his eyes are prowling over me as if he wants to devour me. 

Like magnets, our lips crash together again, and we resume the migration towards the bedroom. When we finally get there, Moses slides my pants and underwear down, but he drops to his knees with them. Strands of damp, ash blonde hair stick to his forehead, so I brush them aside to better look at his eager grey eyes.

I’ve wanted this since before the night at Casanova. It’s haunted my imagination since the first time we crossed paths months ago.

So why am I suddenly nervous?

However, it all dissolves when Moses clamps his mouth onto the part of me which aches for him the most. 

And I let go.

I let go of the stress of Valentina. I let go of the tension with Julian. I let go of the worry about my dad. 

And I simply live in this moment. 

No one else. 

Just me and Moses.