Chapter 39: The Kingdom and the Queen

Matapos bisitahin si Mama ay wala na akong ibang mapupuntahan. I can't go back to Landon's mansion. I can't even deal with my own emotions on the mention of his name.

Napagdesisyonan kong pumunta sa university. Maaari akong makitulog sa maintenance quarter. It's better than making Mama wonder why I have to spend the night in Saint Judes. Ayokong magalala siya.

Halos madilim na nang dumating ako sa university. Dala ko ang aking iilang mga gamit mula sa ilang beses na palipat lipat nang tahanan.

It's always been like this since the disaster with my father that wrecked our home, our family.

I never let myself own anything other than what I need. I never let myself get attached to things I could never take with me.

Because there's no permanency in my life. I either drop things out of emotional clumsiness or they will be taken away from me. So I burn bridges and drop baggages on my way.

But how could this freedom feels so lonely? Did I left behind my wings?

I thought I'm used to it, but after all these years, I realize I'm still scared to be left alone.

Habang naglalakad sa pathway, isang familiar na mukha ang aking nasalubong. Nagmamadali ito at mukhang kagagaling sa school library. Patungo siya sa parking lot dala ang ilang mga libro. Ngunit agad siyang tumigil sa paglalakad nang makita ako.

Elyse.

I wonder how she is. Sana okay lang siya. Sana hindi siya tulad ko na nahihirapan. I want to run into her, I want to cry with her, to tell her everything and how I'm aching.

But things are different now. Nagkaroon ng lamat ang pagkakaibigan namin na hindi na kailanman maibalik.

I tried to smile at her before proceeding to the building.

"Wait."

I turned my head and saw her staring at me, my things. I know she knew where I'm heading and maybe the whole reason of it. She is Elyse after all. My partner-in-crime. The sun to my moon.

"What-"

Hindi niya tinuloy ang sasabihin. Sa halip ay umiling siya saka kinuha ang isa sa mga bag na dala ko.

"I won't you sleep in that dingy place."

Nabigla ako sa ginawa niya. Wala akong nagawa kundi sundan siya sa parking lot papunta sa kanyang sasakyan.

"Elyse-"

Humarap siya sa akin. Tumigil ako sa paglalakad.

"I don't know what you're going through, but you're with me now and I won't let you sleep in that place alone."

It was almost the same sentence, the same words she told me years ago, when she offered me to live with her.

Namuo ang luha sa aking mga mata. I miss the old, carefree us. Where did they go?

Binuksan ni Elyse ang pintuan ng sasakyan at siniksik sa likod ang aking mga gamit.

"Let's go."

—

Elyse's condo is on the tenth floor of a newly furnished building in town. But it was mostly empty. The walls are bare, the floor is smooth and empty, and there are still stacks of unpacked boxes at the corner of the living room.

Binaba ko ang mga gamit. I was about to say something when Elyse went to the kitchen and pour herself a glass of water.

"Damn that Monaghan."

Umupo siya sa sofa. I could see that Elyse is mad.

"If I know he'd kick you out, I should not have disposed the apartment."

"How did you know?" I asked. I never mentioned that I live in the mansion Landon bought.

"He told me, ask for my opinion like a kid excited to show his gift."

"Kaya mo ba binenta ang apartment?" Tanong ko.

"Dahil alam kong may mapupuntahan ka kahit anong mangyari."

Natigilan ako. "You should have told me, Elyse."

Ngumiti siya. "It's better to keep the role of the bad friend," she said.

Napa-upo ako sa sofa sa tabi niya.

"Did the kingdom come scares you to run away from him?"

Elyse's knows me too well. Alam niya ang mga salitang hindi ko masabi kanino man, kahit sa sarili ko.

"The queen came back so what more can a peasant do?" I said.

Elyse rolled her eyes. "You are not the one to tell who's the queen and who's the peasant here."

Umiling ako. "She's the fianceé, Elyse. I'm no one. I'm just a girl he met a year ago, who begged to be saved by him."

Doon bumalik ang galit ni Elyse.

"But did you ask, Denise? Was it clearly explained to you? Or did you just run away once again because you're blinded by your insecurities?"

Ngayon lang ulit nagalit si Elyse sa akin nang ganito. We never really talk about my flaws. Because she knew so well those are the things that I try to run away from.

Napatayo si Elyse mula sa sofa.

"That is what's wrong with you, Denise. You assume. When things get scary, you run away. When it gets hard, you let go. Because you think so lowly of yourself you couldn't fight for the things you wanted, because you think you don't deserve them."

Nangilid ang luha sa mga mata ni Elyse.

"Nakapahina mo, Denise. I didn't let Landon go para lang takbuhan mo siya dahil natatakot kang magmahal nang buo dahil hindi mo kayang mahalin ang sarili mo. I didn't let Landon go to be given to some woman who suddenly showed up in your lives. Who is that goddamn Helena to ruin your trust in Landon?!"

"Elyse, I'm scared I might ruin things the way another woman ruined my family."

"This is not about Landon. This is about you. Your fear. Even if Landon chose you, Denise, you won't recognize it because your past is still in the way."

Umiwas ng tingin si Elyse upang pahirin ang kanyang luha.

"I already gave him up for you because I believe in your worth. I saw how much he loves you, Denise. I hope you'll have the courage to hear him out before you decide that this chaos isn't worth it."

—

Hear him out. I don't think I have the courage to hear him out. That's maybe why I run away. Because it's better here. To be in between. I don't think I can handle the truth coming from him.

Kinabukasan, pumunta ako sa coffee shop upang magpaalam. I wrote my letter of resignation last night. I was dropping things one at a time.

Ngunit wala si Miss Van sa coffee shop. Ayon kay Maureen ay maaga itong umalis.

"Sa tingin mo babalik siya ngayong araw?" Tanong ko.

Maureen shrugged. "May dahilan ba kaya nagmamadali kang makita siya?"

Nagdalawang isip akong banggitin ang tungkol sa aking resignation. This place had been nothing but good to me.

Naging komportable akong kasama sila. Miss Van was a good boss, and I will miss the shop specially during rainy days, when streets are wet and the weather is dreary, and everyone finds comfort in this place.

Ngunit lahat ng ito ay konektado kay Landon at kay Helena. At lahat ng may kinalaman sa kanila ay kailangan kong bitawan.

Kulang sa tauhan ang shop noong hapong yon. I wasn't officially resigned yet kaya napagdesisyunan kong tumulong. I went to the locker room to change into my uniform. Paglabas ko, isang babae ang nakatayo sa tapat ng counter at tinatanong si Maureen.

This was why I need to stay away from here. Because now that she came back, I know she will gonna visit this place often. After all, she is Miss Van's best friend.

Helena.

I never got to see her closely the first time we met. Pero ngayong nasa harapan ko siyang muli, hindi ko mapigilang pagmasdan siya.

I know she doesn't deserve the hate I'm giving her. She doesn't even know the things that happened while she's gone.

And as the fiancee who came back to find her man with another girl, she has the right to loathe me more than I envy her.

Tumalikod ako at muling nagtago sa staff room. Day by day, it's slowly dawning on me how difficult this situation can be.

Can I pull myself out from the depths of this fall?

Nang makaalis si Helena ay saka lang ako lumabas. Maureen was looking at me funny from the counter.

"What?" Tanong ko.

"May customer kanina na kamukha mo," excited na sabi niya. "And the strange thing is, siya yong nabanggit ko sayo dati."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Nabanggit?"

"Remember? Yong best friend ni Miss Van? Si Helena?"

"How do you know it's her?"

She showed me something. A glossy paper that Helena gave for Miss Van.

Tinitigan ko itong mabuti. From the embossed cursive lettering, to the color of gleaming gold, and the Monaghan's family seal.

It was an invitation. For the official engagement of Helena and Landon.

***

To my readers,
I miss you.
Your author,
April