Chapter 33: Ghost of the Past

Tulad ng mga sumunod na araw, nagising akong mag isa sa kwarto. Wala na ang init na dulot ng katawan ni Landon. All it left was the ruffles on the bed sheet, stating that he was once here with me.

It became a routine. I would wake up alone, make breakfast for myself. If I have the luxury or spare time I would walk into the garden and just sit there. Sometimes I would close my eyes and hear the loneliness of the place. But whenever I think of Landon and how he chose this house for me, I would smile and take a deep breathe and I would start the day.

Classes are becoming bordeline inhumane. Naging busy ako sa mga sumunod na araw dahil sa mga requirements na kailangang tapusin. We are nearly at the end of the year. Konti nalang matatapos na ang lahat ng ito.

Lumalamig na din ang panahon. The chilly morning breeze often nipped my skin whenever I walk down the street to commute for my early classes or early shift at the coffee shop. I like cold weather. At least I have an excuse to stay indoors most of the time.

My relationship with Elyse completely changed. And with everything that I'm going through, hindi ko na ito nagawa pang isalba.

Nagkikita kami sa campus, sa pathways, sa corridors. I would try to smile still, she would nod to acknowledge my presence then continue to walk with her new set of friends.

I wanted to talk to her, ask her what made her do it. I know behind her radiant smile for the crowd, she's still there. The Elyse I knew. The Elyse who is afraid of bugs and alergic to crabs. The Elyse who's real laugh is a combination of snort and laugh.

But maybe, the opinions of people around us affect how we view ourselves, so we choose to show our best foot forward even if the image we curated is not who we are.

Because sometimes, people are savage. You build your self esteem with years of trying to gain confidence, yet a simple kick and you're back to the ruins.

Maybe that's why sometimes, instead of self esteem, people build walls to distance themselves around other people. High, sturdy walls. So if ever someone tried to kick them, they'll be the one who will end up hurting.

Maagang natapos ang aming huling klase upang magbigay oras sa requirement na dapat naming tapusin. Tahimik ang corridor paglabas ko. I was about to head out of campus when Elyse came up to me.

"Here."

Sa palad niya ay isang flash drive.

"I disposed the old laptop and I found some of your files kaya inilipat ko dito. Baka kailanganin mo."

I stared at her. Naghihintay ang mga kaibigan niya sa sulok ng corridor. Kinuha ko ang flash drive mula sa kanyang kamay.

"Elly... I mean Elyse..."

"Yes?" But it came out as tired and forced as our friendship is. She avoided my gaze. Alam kong ginagawa niya lang yon kapag ayaw niyang makita ko ang emosyon niya.

Naging tahimik kaming pareho. Siya ang unang nagsalita.

"I know everything," she finally said. "I know the deal, the contract, I know your relationship with Landon and how you feel about him."

Napakurap ako.

Pilit siyang ngumiti. "Remember when I was at the hospital? Lagi kang nagku-kwento tungkol sa mga nangyayari sayo. I might be immobilized, but I was conscious. Naririnig ko ang lahat ng mga sinasabi mo. From how you agreed to the contract, up to admiting you might be feeling something for him."

"Elyse..."

"Remember how you apologized and said you didn't mean to? You promised it was nothing even if you, yourself was confused of what you're feeling. Para lang mailigtas mo ako bago ako ilipad sa ibang bansa."

Walang ano mang lumabas na salita sa aking bibig. Kaya nagpatuloy lamang si Elyse. It seemed like she's been keeping these words since forever.

"It would be better if you're a selfish bitch, or a slut. Just so I can hate on you with ease. But you are not. As much as I hate to admit it, you are one of the rare people I know who genuinely cares for me. And that makes it harder for me."

She let out a short laugh, to lighten the air probably, o para itago ang pagbitak ng kanyang boses.

"I woke up. You weren't there. I never knew what happened, but yes, I was selfish. I believed the information fed on me even though I knew it was a lie. And I grabbed the chance to be with Landon while you were away."

Doon tuluyang nawala ang kanyang pekeng ngiti at hinayaan ang kanyang sarili na maramdaman ang totoong emosyon.

"But it was different than what I dreamed of. Maybe it's because of guilt, or maybe the fact that I've been pushing myself into someone I admired for so long knowing he didn't care about my existence at all."

There was a sad smile on her face.

"Because for every kiss, he was thinking of you. For every day I spend with him, I ended up crying myself to sleep. And then you you showed up and all the dreadful things I did to feed this hallucination of mine that Landon would someday fall for me came to me like a whiplash. You didn't deserve it."

"And to save face, I decided to leave. Umalis ako nang walang paalam dahil hindi ko alam kung paano sasabihin na hindi kita kayang makita dahil nasasaktan ako."

"I didn't know how to tell you that for every time Landon ask about you, I break in half. How is Denise? It was always our topic, him asking if you're okay, or if you slept well.  It's like I was there beside him so he could look after you. And because I was crazily in love, I let him. Even though it was so painful I could feel my heart ripping."

Tumingin siya sa itaas upang pigilan ang pagbagsak ng kanyang luha.

"So yeah, to save myself from humiliation and self-torture I left you. I've done stupid things and it's enough shame to last me a lifetime."

Bumalik ang kanyang ngiti.

"At kahit na nahihirapan ako ngayong wala ka, I'm sure I can manage. So, see you around... Danny."

Kumaway siya at nagpaalam bago naka-ngiting bumalik sa kanyang mga kaibigan. Pinagmasdan ko siya. Si Elyse. Ang best friend ko. Pumatak ang aking luha ngunit hinayaan ko ito.

I just hope... I badly wish... that Elyse would be okay. Na darating ang araw na maghilom ang mga sugat at maaari na kaming bumalik sa pagiging mag-kaibigan. Back to those late night sleep overs, back to laughing our hearts out, the long talks, and the only light in the house was ours.

--

What Elyse had told me that afternoon was a silent request. Habang nakikita niya ako ay patuloy siyang masasaktan. Kaya ginawa ko ang lahat upang iwasan siya at hindi na dagdagan pa ang sakit na kanyang nararamdaman.

Noong araw na yon nasa coffee shop ako at nagtatrabaho. It was Saturday. It was one of those uneventful weekend. The business was slow. The air was calm. Pa-isa isa ang pasok ng customers. Makulimlim ang langit sa labas.

Nagpupunas ako ng table nang banggitin ni Miss Van ang pangalan ni Maureen, isa sa mga kasama kong nagta-trabaho sa shop.

"Can you get me the log book from last month from the filing cabinet?"

Miss Van was in front of her laptop, doing her usual managing duties. She always has this sophisticated calmness about her, as if she carefully chooses what things to dwell in, and nothing can bother her beyond those.

"I'll do it," I provided, knowing that Maureen took a short break at the staff room.

"Thanks," Miss Van said without peeling her eyes away from the computer.

I marched into the mini office beside the staff room. It was only the second time I've been in that room. Hinanap ko ang file sa cabinet na tinukoy. But as I was browsing through old stuff and files, I saw something that caught my attention.

It was a small picture frame. The photo was taken in front of the coffee shop noong bagong bukas palang ito. There was a date stamp on the photo. Three years ago. There's Miss Van smiling radiantly as the owner, katabi niya ang isang babae...

Halos mabitawan ko ang frame. It was as if I'm staring at a picture of myself. We were almost identical. But weren't. I could still tell the differences. But the resemblance is uncanny.

Binitawan ko agad ang frame nang maramdaman na may pumasok sa kwarto. Isang buntong hininga ang aking narinig.

"I'm sorry," agad kong sinabi.

Miss Van shake her head. "I am to blame. I was preoccupied sending you here."

Binalik niya ang picture frame sa dati nitong ayos.

"Siya... siya ba si Helena?"

I've noticed it before. There were instances Miss Van mistook me for someone else and called me Helena.

"Yes."

Sinara niya ang drawer at umupo sa shivel chair na madalang niyang gamitin.

"You do look a lot like her. Pero habang tumatagal mas nakikita ko ang kaibahan niyo sa isa't isa."

I remained standing on my spot.

"There are certain features that are coincidentally similar, like the shape of your face, or the color of your hair, and your eyes. I think it's the thing that fascinates me the most. Whenever I look at you in the eyes, it's like I'm seeing hers."

Napangiti siya na tila isang alaala ang sumagi sa kanyang isip.

"But then, yours could be cold and detached. Hers was warm and feisty. You are both hard headed though. And she's a bit taller by an inch."

Where is she now? Bago ko pa ito maitanong ay nawala ang ngiti ni Miss Van.

"Hard headed enough to risk anything and everything for what she wanted," tahimik niyang sinabi.

Bumaling siya sa akin. "She was a co-owner of this coffee shop. She handled people and supplies, I handle the internal affairs like accounting and financial stuff. Now I handle everything."

Tumayo si Miss Van na tila doon na tinatapos ang usapan.

"That's the story behind the picture. I'm sorry if there are instances I mistook you for her. Shall we go?"

--

Hindi ako mapalagay. I know my current situation doesn't need additional worrying. But I couldn't ignore the fact that I... reminded them of Helena. Both Miss Van... and Landon.

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa tasa ng kape sa pag iisip ng bagay na yon. But it was the truth. I was shove into Landon's life because of her... because I look just like her.

Tumunog ang doorbell. Halos mapatayo ako sa gulat. It was Sunday morning, an odd time to visit.

Lumabas ako ng bahay. The moment I saw the car at the gate I know who it is.

"Here's your weekly door-to-door delivery," he joked referring to the grocery bags he's collecting from his trunk.

Binuhat niya ang mga grocery bags papasok sa bahay.

"River, I told you not to do this," sinabi ko nang sumunod sa kanya sa kusina.

Nang mailapag niya ang mga bags umupo siya sa stool sa countertop at sumandal at napatingala na tila maging siya ay hindi alam kung bakit ginagawa ito.

I noticed how he changed his hair color. Mas dark na ito kumpara dati. It's almost black. The change of hair diverted more of the attention to his bushy eyebrows and his sharp jaw.

"Kung hindi si Landon, si Yllona ang walang habas na mangungulit sa akin kung hindi ko gagawin ito."

River sighed.

"It's like you have two boyfriend in the form of Yllona and Landon. Ah, this family adores you so much."

"I like your hair."

Bigla siyang natigilan sa aking sinabi. He blinked at napahawak sa kanyang ulo. He chuckled.

"Damn, Denise. You really know how to catch me offguard."

"What? I like it. Mas nagmukha kang matino," sinabi ko.

His face dropped animatedly.

"Well, thanks. Such a huge compliment right there."

"No worries."

Tinitigan niya ako saka muling natawa. Saka siya napasandal sa upuan. "Ah, ang hirap pala ng ganito."

Binuksan ko ang fridge upang ipaghanda siya ng inumin. "Ang alin?" Tanong ko.

Lumingon ako sa kanya nang hindi siya sumagot. Naging abala siya sa pag aayos ng mga binili.

"Breakfast?" Tanong ko.

"The usual."

Kapag pumupunta si River naghahanda ako ng breakfast para sabay kaming kumain. Anything could be an excuse for him to have breakfast here.

Sometimes he would ring the bell and tell me he was out there jogging and just happen to pass by. I would just roll my eyes dahil alam namin pareho na medyo malayo ang lugar niya mula dito. But I would prepare still, dahil minsan lang ako may kasalo sa pagkain at yon ay tuwing nandyan si River.

Habang kumakain napansin niya na malalim ang aking iniisip.

"Bothered?" He asked. "You always have that blank, flat-out look in your face whenever you're thinking deeply. It almost looks disturbing."

"Shut up."

He grinned, dimple showing. Alam niyang nakabawi na siya sa pangaasar na ginawa ko kanina.

Bumalik sa seryoso ang usapan nang banggitin ko ang bagay na gumugulo sa akin.

"Kilala mo ba si Helena?"

Tumigil siya sa pagkain. "Bakit mo naitanong?" Maingat niyang sinabi.

"Do I really look like her?"

Binaba niya ang kubyertos na hawak. Sumeryoso ang mukha ni River.

"At first, yes. You know those instances when you meet someone new and they greatly reminded you of someone else that you almost thought it's them with a whole new personality?"

I nodded.

"Pero habang tumatagal at nakikilala kita, doon ko nakita ang kaibahan niyo sa isa't isa. Napagtanto ko na yon lang yon. Magkamukha lang kayo."

"She was... she was Landon's first love, right?"

River sighed as if expecting my question. "Right."

"How?"

"Denise..."

"I want to know."

The question is like a dagger in my own hand digging my chest. But I don't just want to know, I need to know.

River sighed once again.

"Well, there are three events in his life that made Landon who he is today."

"One was his mother's death. Francesca Boham Monaghan died from a terminal disease when Landon was around twelve years old. It was a big blow for him. But the bigger blow was when he learned months after the funeral that his father, Tito Nicholai has a mistress for two years even before Tita Francesca was alive."

Bigla akong may naalala. It was the first party I attended with Landon. Ang unang pagbisita ko sa family mansion ng mga Monaghan. Doon ko nakita ang uri ng relasyon na meron si Landon pagdating sa kanyang pamilya lalo na sa kanyang Ama. I even saw who River was referring to. Alexandria.

"It wasn't long nang ikinasal muli si Tito Nicholai kay Tita Alexandria. Landon loaths his father for that decision until now. Kapag nakikita niya ang dalawa ang tanging naaalala niya ay ang ginawa nilang pagtataksil sa kanyang ina. That was the first blow."

River heaved a deep sigh before continuing.

"The second one was years after it. Maybe four to five years ago? There was this man. Isa siya sa mga tauhan ni Tita Francesca. You should know that Tita was fond of humans. Isa sa mga trato na ayaw ng pamilya Monaghan. Nang mamatay si Tita, ang taong ito ang naiwan upang siguraduhin na nasa mabuting kalagayan si Landon."

"Landon became close to this man. He became his personal assistant, and all around driver. And despite what was fed into our mind when we were young about humans and their indecisiveness and untrustworthy behavior, the man became the only person that Landon trusted."

"Hindi ito gusto ni Lolo. He hates humans interacting with his family, especially those prowling around his pure blooded grandson. Ngunit naging matigas si Landon. Hindi niya gustong paalisin ang taong pinagkakatiwalaan niya."

"Lolo could ruin anything you deemed precious if you cross his path. Alam niyang magmamatigas si Landon so Lolo decided to ruin the man's family. Hanggang sa ito mismo ang lumayo para sa kaligtasan ng kanyang pamilya."

"At a young age, Landon was traumatized on how his decisions to keep a person could ruin lives. Dito nagsimula ang kanyang takot na mapalapit sa mga tao dahil sa maaari niyang idulot sa kaligtasan ng mga ito."

"Before leaving, the man left a picture asking Landon to protect his daughter. It was a picture of a little girl on a beach. Tuluyang naglaho at hindi na muling nagpakita pa ang lalake. Landon tried to find the man's daughter. And that was where Helena came in."

Huminga ako ng malalim.

"Landon met a waitress in a bar years after. The resemblance of the waitress to the picture was uncanny. Helena showed an almost identical picture of her as a kid in the beach. That's when Landon knew it was her."

"Helena was under a blood contract then under a rival vampire family. Kinuha siya ni Landon mula dito by initiating the same blood contract. It was a risky decision. Pareho ito ng pag-agaw ng ari-arian at teritoryo."

"Pinangako ni Landon na po-protektahan si Helena. Helena fell for Landon, and for the first time Landon fell in love. And that's where the third blow came in."

"What happened?"

"Hindi gusto ni Lolo ang mga tulad ni Helena. Helena was a human turned into vampire. A nouveau. Nagkaroon ng problema ang kanilang relasyon. Helena decided to leave, to have a break from all of it. Ngunit nagkasunog sa hotel na kanyang tinuluyan. There were casualties. May mga katawan na hindi natagpuan. At hindi na siya nakita pa mula noong araw na yon."

"The time you told me that Landon needed me... yong araw na hindi nakapasok si Miss Van sa coffee shop..."

"It's Helena's death anniversary," River said. "Vanessa and Helena were good friends even before we met Helena."

"Do you think that fire..."

Huminga nang malalim si River. "I don't know. Grandfather is cruel. But he never went to such extent as big as setting a whole hotel on fire. Though he has all the resourcess and the ruthlessness to do so."

Unti unti akong nanghina. There was a lot of history between Landon and Helena that it almost felt like I'm a stranger. This feeling I have towards him is nothing nearly compared to what they've been through.

Napansin ni River ang aking emosyon.

"Hey, I didn't tell you everything for you to feel sad. You are Landon's present. The one he's fighting for right now. There's no need to compare yourself with the ghost of the past."

But no matter how River assured me, something is telling me that there's no ghost nor past. I have this eerie feeling that I've seen Helena before.

***