Chapter 26: Death of Emotions

Niyaya ko si River na ihatid akong muli sa apartment. Hindi ko na siya kailangang pilitin pa dahil mukhang may idea siya sa aking naramdaman noong mga oras na yon.

"'You okay?" He asked when we're back again in front of the apartment gate.

"Yeah."

My voice cracked. I'm not, but I'm trying to be. It should be enough, right?

"Will you be okay staying here?" He asked. Pinagmasdan niya ang apartment. Compared to the luxurious properties of the Monaghan's, this apartment is bare, average. But this has been my home for the past few years. My home with my best friend, Elyse.

"Yeah."

"I'm getting worried with your lack of emotions, human girl," he muttered.

Humarap ako kay River. I managed a smile. "Elyse is back. That's all that matters."

"And your heart doesn't?"

"Who says I have a heart?" Good one, Denise. I thought. At least I could still crack a joke.

Bumuntong hininga si River.

"Your friend doesn't have an idea about you being hospitalized. Ang tanging alam niya ay nasa internship ka sa ibang bayan mula noong magising siya."

"Thank you," nasabi ko. Because I don't want her to know. I don't have the strenght for her to know that I was one of Landon's blood source before her.

Elyse, she always had an eye for Landon. Even before the two of us met and became friends. She had him first.

"See you around, then?" River said as he put his jacket on.

I nodded.

"Call a lifeline when you need help." He winked to lighten the mood before strutting toward the driver's seat.

Bago umalis napansin kong may ni-dial siya sa kanyang phone bago pinaharurot ang sasakyan. Pinagmasdan ko ang pag alis nito hanggang sa tuluyan itong mawala sa aking paningin.

I was buying time, hoping the added seconds could give me strenght to step once again in the apartment, and to see traces of Elyse. I was sad and confused for feeling this way. I thought I'd be the happiest person if I see her again, but it broke my heart instead. Stupid, Denise.

I went inside the apartment where Elyse's perfume lingered. As if out of the long eclipse, the interior of the house became light and pleasant again. Lights seem to peak inside more whenever Elyse is here. She was the sun, I was the moon, attracting every dark things... and secretly envying the sun ever since.

I run to my room. This is what I had wanted. This is what I wished for. It was all part of the deal. After the contract it will be Elyse. To save her life just like what I made Landon promised, Elyse needed to be his blood source.

So why does it hurt?

It was late afternoon when Elyse arrived at the apartment. Nanlaki ang kanyang mga mata nang makita ako. Binitawan niya ang mga dalang gamit sa sahig saka mabilis na tumakbo sa kusina upang yakapin ako.

"Oh my god. Denise!"

Mahigpit niya akong niyakap. Tumalon talon siya at napatili. Masayang masaya siya. She looked so happy that I never want to ruin everything for her.

"Hey, long time no see, Elly."

Tinitigan niya ako saka yumakap ulit. Para siyang bata. She's always been like this, always bubbly, always genuine.

"Danny! I miss you so much! Why didn't you call me? I know that internship was a big project for you, but did you really have to disposed your contacts like what you said in the letter?"

I didn't know what string of lies River and Yllona had put up but I have decided to go with it.

"Strikto sila," sagot ko.

Sumimangot siya. A pout. Niyaya ko siyang kumain. "I've prepared your favorites."

"Goodie!" She said excitedly. "I've been into chinese take out and restaurant delivery services lately. I came back with nothing but a cup of instant noodles on the counter." Humawak siya sa braso ko habang hinahanda ko ang hapunan.

"I'll prepare your favorites everyday," I told her.

Tinitigan ako ni Elyse. Ngumiti siya. "I can't believe you're here. At first I thought you've abandoned me. You weren't there when I woke up. But then I learned about the internship. And now, we're both here, like the way things should be."

Tumigil ako sa paghalo ng pesto paste sa pasta.

"It was a horrible three-month, wasn't it?"

Pilit pumapasok sa isip ko si Landon ngunit pilit ko itong winawaksi.

"It was a nightmare."

"I'm sorry I made it hard for you, Denise," Elyse said.

"Who says you did? I was thinking you're just having an extended beauty sleep."

Nagsimula kaming kumain. Elyse eyes were guarded. She was aware she's hiding something from me.

Noong gabing yon, matapos ayusin ang ilan sa natira kong gamit sa kwarto, nagbihis ako upang matulog. Habang inaayos ko ang kama bakarinig ako ng katok sa pintuan. Bumukas ito at pumasok si Elyse na naka pale pink na pajama.

"Can I sleep here?"

"We're adults, Elyse." I muttered, faking a serious tone.

"It's been a while since we had a sleep over, you know."

I crossed my arms and faced her. "Because we're basically a hallway apart?" I said with mock sarcasm that she always take seriously.

She pouted. "You're so mean."

I laughed. I miss this kind of conversation. I can't ruin this kind of conversation. Nang maiayos ko ang kama ay pareho kaming nahiga dito.

Elyse loves having sleep overs. Because she's one of those lucky college students to have her own apartment she would often invite friends and classmates over to hang around.

It was eleven thirty. Pinatay ko ang ilaw. Tanging ang lampshade sa bedside table ang nakasindi.

"Denise?" I heard her say.

Nakaharap kaming pareho sa kisame habang magka usap.

"Hmm?"

"I want to tell you something," she said. "But I can't tell it right now. But soon, I'll tell you everything soon."

Nanatili ang tingin ko sa kisame. I know, and I'm sure she's refering to Landon and the blood contract.

"Can you wait for me?" She asked.

"Are you going to be okay?" I said.

I could feel her nodding. "I'm more than okay. These are the best days of my life so far."

I tried to smile despite the pain digging into my chest. "I'll wait for you. But don't drift away too long, okay?"

And that night, I realized I could never lose my best friend. If I have to kill these emotions I'm feeling I would. Just so I could make sure she'll have her best days.

--

Maagang umalis si Elyse kinabukasan. Hindi pa ako tuluyang makabalik sa klase dahil sa pag aayos ng mga kasinungalingang aming pinangtakip sa sitwasyon.

Nakipagkita ako kay Yllona noong hapong yon. Ito ang unang beses na makikita ko siya mula noong magising ako. I was a bit edgy to see her again. I miss her vixen-like presence that somehow makes everything looks like a game under her control.

Pero noong hapong yon, nang makita ko siya, alam kong tuluyang nawala sa kanya ang control na yon. Tulad parin siya ng dati. Those bad ass chic clothes from her own clothing line, the dark shade of her lips, and her expressive wide eyes. But somehow, when she saw me, there was worry etched on her face.

"Are you good?" Ito ang una niyang naging tanong sa akin.

"Of course."

We were in a coffee shop at the ourskirts of the city, far from the university campus, far from familiar faces and conversations.

"Don't give me that bullshit, Denise." Her words, they're always been so blunt. So Yllona.

"If you're not okay, tell me so. You're not a saint to shoulder the pain of others. Fuck them."

"Yllona," I started to worry for the elderly people around us who started to give us strange looks.

"I'm okay. Why can't I be okay?"

We started to argue. She's blunt and persistent, I'm empty and hard headed. A recipe for disaster.

"Because of Landon!"

Natahimik ako.

"God, Denise. Why can't you admit it to yourself? You are pained by the situation."

"This is what the deal is all about. This is what I wanted."

Tinitigan ako ni Yllona. "It was what you wanted before you fell for Landon."

I blinked. Tuluyan akong hindi nakapag salita.

"Yes, we get it. You made the deal for the soul purpose of saving your friend. But you remained in the deal even if you had all the reasons to call it quits because you fell between the cracks of Landon's flaws. That's what's wrong with you. You fall for the people who need fixing while you can't even keep yourself together."

Yllona sighed loudly. It felt like those words had been stuck in her head for months.

"I was rooting for you. But you weren't rooting for yourself. Because you're afraid you might have a genuine chance to win, and the victory will cause pain for people around you. You're more afraid of light than darkness, Denise."

Did I... Did I really fell for Landon? That's impossible. I just wanted to ask him about that day... I wanted to ask him why everything ended this way.

"I was just... confused."

Yllona sighed, this time a sigh of resignation. "Think about it, Denise."

--

Hindi ko kailangan na pag isipan ang sinabi ni Yllona. So what if I'm hurting? It will fade. There's death of the emotions if one really wants to.

It's safer here. It's painful, suffocating, but safer. Landon and the Monaghans, they are the biggest risk I've ever taken considering all the bullshits I've been through. It's like trying to reach the depths of the ocean, when all I wanted was to float in the surface. Landon... he's too far... much too far.

Nakabalik ako sa apartment matapos ang naging pag uusap namin ni Yllona. Ayon sa kanya, hiningi nila ang tulong ng kamag anak nilang nasa school board upang makagawa ng dahilan ng hindi ko pagdalo sa mga unang linggo ng klase.

The only person who knows the truth other than the Monaghans is Miss Van, the coffee shop owner who I worked part time with. They didn't have to make up lies. Miss Van knew their kind and the contract I was into that time.

Ang kailangan ko na lamang ay bumalik sa dati kong buhay. And things will be back to what they used to be. At least I'd have that. The familiarity of my former life.

Pagbalik ko sa apartment nadatnan ko si Elyse na paalis. Magdadapit hapon na at madilim na sa labas.

She was strapping a nude tone sandals to her ankle when I saw her in her room across from mine. She's also wearing an above the knee yellow sun dress.

"Hey," bati ko. "Heading somewhere?"

Tumigil siya at tinignan ako. "Hey, Denise." Nagdalawang isip siya bago sagutin ang aking tanong. "I have a dinner date with someone. Don't wait for me."

Oh. "Okay."

"I'll tell you everything soon," she said like she promised last night.

Tumunog ang kanyang phone. Nagmadali siyang ilagay ang mga gamit sa maliit na handbag. Saka niya sinilip ang text at nagpaalam sa akin.

"I'll head downstairs. See you later, Danny."

Dumerecho ako sa aking kwarto nang makababa si Elyse. As I was about to close the window to avoid the chilly air from entering the room, I saw a familiar black matte car in the street. Kumabog ang aking dibdib.

Tumalikod ako upang iwasan na masilayang muli ang kanyang mukha. Dahil natatakot ako sa maaari kong maramdaman. Narinig ko ang pagbukas ng pintuan ng sasakyan kasabay ang boses ni Elyse na binati ito.

Napalunok ako. And maybe I was stupid for doing so, but I turned around to see his face once again. Landon "the devil" Monaghan.

How have you been Landon?

They were talking. Elyse was happy. And I was stupid for thinking that none of these affect me. I clawed my breathless chest hoping the physical pain could lessen the emotional torture I was feeling. Because I could feel it in my chest, down to the trembling tips of my fingers.

I've fallen for Landon Clifford Monaghan.

***