opening note: the title was inspired by a lyric in the song "toxicity" by System of a Down"

It seemed today was one of those days for Jodha, her neck and back sore from hours of being carried on the palki.

Letting out an exhale of relief, her hand came to rub off the ache after her necklace was taken down. From the events of this day, she could already feel her eyes getting droopy with sleep - a side effect of being awake for such long hours.

As much as she did not wish to talk or think about him right now, it was a good call he made when he chose to make a stop here.

It was a shame that, after the recent events of this evening, they'd be sharing a tent as against heaving separate tents.

Just my luck, Kanha, thank you very much, she found herself letting out the most aggravated sigh.

Despite her attempt to bridge their relationship, his choice to keep her in isolation to have her "reflect on her actions" took them back to square one. It seemed that he would always show her his cruel side for every little misstep she made.

Coupled with that was the accusatory voice which had followed her into this tent - the source of why she'd be bunking with that jallad.

If not for his being ever-observant, the intruder - Ram - would have made his way into their camp to attack either of them.

"Main hoon Ram of Amer," the man had given them a venomous look but especially her. It accused her of treachery; his eyes actively blamed her. "You've insulted our homeland; your very being has blemished the pristine image of the Rajputs."

Jalal had caught on to the fact that Ram was specifically directing his rage towards her which in turn incensed him as he kicked the man down to the ground.

Flinching at the sight, Jodha could not help but feel that pang of guilt even as Bhapusa's words from that letter came ringing in her head again.

"I ask that this war not be the reason why you and Jamai Sa drift apart," they had read, yet, how could she easily follow his advice when Ram, a fellow Ameri, had an accusatory finger pointed at her?

She watched as Jalal pressed his foot on Ram's chest, his voice low and deadly, "One more word against my queen and not only would I rip your tongue out of your mouth but this night would be the last night you'd have your sight."

Ram jeered, looking up at him as he taunted, "Go ahead, do it."

Jodha noticed when the man, whom she called her pati, was precisely about to deliver on his threat. Was he really going to do that? Right here while they were on a pilgrimage? But then, he would have executed a pregnant Fareeda along with her unborn child had Ammi Jaan not interfered, would pilgrimage stop him in his tracks?

So, she stepped forward to stop him, his face creased into a frown as a glare stared back at her. She could feel the bite of the coldness his look carried yet she stood her ground as she faced him. "Please forgive him, Shehenshah. Don't do this, not while we are on pilgrimage. Not while we are about to offer prayers."

"He insulted a Mughal queen," he countered, his voice low as if he was fighting the urge to give her a cold burn from the intensity of his rage. "By my rules, he should be punished."

"By his rules?" Her inside voice scoffed. Who did he think she was? An extension of him?

"Being the Mughal queen he insulted, I get to decide how he is punished, don't I?" She retorted and she noted the moment when his expression evolved from rage to pure fury at her defiance.

"Take him away," he said to the soldiers without looking away from her. Without any hesitation, Ram was swiftly dragged off to who knows where and with a second command, one of privacy, from the jallad before her, it was just the two of them. "What is it you really want to say, Jodha Begum?"

She wasted no time in delivering with the most brutal of her honesty, the words she had buried deep in her attempt to offer an olive branch to him until he did what he did to her.

"He said no lies, hurtful as they might have been," her voice was as low as it needed to be but still held the rage she had managed to hide. "Since the day Bhapusa fixed my rishta, Rajputana bore a grudge against Amer. Your decision to involve them in your war against Sujanpur shattered any chance we had at redeeming ourselves. Because I am married to you, Amer's reputation carries this stigma that will be hard to wash off in the foreseeable future."

It was noticeable how he stiffened, she'd not be surprised if he clenched his fists while at it. With a final look from her daring him to say anything to counter her words, she turned away from him.

And here she was, awaiting his entrance into this khema even despite her desires to not be within reachable distance. But then, since when have the gods or Fate ever granted her the desires of her heart?

It was only a matter of time before she would pick up the sounds of his footsteps as he made his way into her tent. With a strengthened resolve and wordlessly, she was up on her feet as she pulled down the pardah.

She could almost see him an eyebrow raised in incredulity at her actions as if he thought she'd let him anywhere close to her.

Cautiously, as she got ready to rest her head, she watched him through the veil as he sat on the nearest divan and did the strangest thing ever - twirling his shamsheer.

Her eyes narrowed at him, what could he be planning under the guise of protecting her? She did not have to stare at him for long as his gaze met hers.

"I thought you'd be asleep by now."

Gods, how could she miss the teasing undertone as he stopped twirling that sword? The audacity of this- Why do I put up with him, Gauri Maa? She turned away from him.

"How am I expected to sleep with a stranger around?" She simply bit back.

Instead of getting offended like she would have expected, he raised an eyebrow at her before setting his sword aside and reclining on the divan.

"Have it your way, then. You keep vigil while I go to sleep," he said, shutting his eyes and lying silently still as if he was instantly out.

The hell?! Who did he think he was? Unbelievable! She fumed, glaring daggers at where he laid his head until a brief moment of him turning to stare at her again showed he was still awake. She turned her head away, blinking.

Was he here to protect her like he claimed or he was here to suffocate her with his presence so she'd have a sleepless night while he got to sleep well?

Letting out an exasperated sigh, she sunk into the bed with her eyes shut as she willed herself to sleep. She'd be damned if she let his presence affect her sleep cycle.

There were nights when sleep eluded him, this was one of them despite the stillness around them.

He was aware, very much aware of the fact that Jodha despised his presence within her space. She had even walked up to him while the camp was being set up with the insistence that a separate tent be made for her. Yet, with the incident of Ram sneaking into their camp, that option was no longer viable as he made his way into her camp upon Atgah Sahab's advice that he stay the night with her.

It was ironic, wasn't it? A delicious twist of fate that would bring him into her space and who was he to not do one of the things he did most - assert his presence.

Yet, why did guilt form another predominant and unwelcomed companion of his as of lately...again? This would make about what - the third instance where that feeling would show up.

The way her face fixed into a hardened expression as she maintained eye contact, internalizing Ram's words, had him brought down to his knees before her for the first time.

His sight veered off to the direction of the bed on which she lay, observing as she was asleep. About time she did. If she chose to keep awake, she might as well have punished him at this point as sleep would also elude him.

Such was the curse of being a man where even the slightest of sounds was enough to spring him back to consciousness.

He shut his eyes again but as always, sleep was a distant relative as his mind raced with the current theme of emotion for the night being the guilt that followed him into the tent.

He could pretend to himself that he had managed to make himself immune to her venom, that her fiery glares did not faze him anymore but even Khuda knew he was nowhere close to being immune or unfazed.

"Because I am married to you, Amer's reputation carries this stigma that will be hard to wash off in the foreseeable future."

Those words...spoken so softly, yet he could feel the long buried emotions with the guarded expression on her face. He almost chuckled at this, as a few days ago, he had believed that they were finally gaining some common ground...well, until the Angoori Bagh, because, of course, something had to shatter that understanding they were starting to build.

What if he had given her the space to explain herself instead of shutting her out and keeping her in that room? Did he ever stop to consider that? But because of his loyalty to Badi Ammi clouding his judgement, he had hurt her with his words and actions

He suppressed the urge to groan as he had his hand pushing his hair back. Anything to fall asleep, right? He was not used to feeling this vulnerable after all and he needed anything to make him surrender to Morpheus' gift.

It worked...for a few minutes at least until he heard it.

It was faint like someone was trying too well to not wake him up. Instinctively, he reached out for his shamsheer, his eyes wide open as his gaze darted to the direction of Jodha Begum's bed. She was not there.

He was up on his feet, his shamsheer unsheathed, as he moved in the direction of where that sound came from. He found a figure close by and without thinking, held it up to their neck.

A slight turn from the figure revealed Jodha Begum who stared at him in a blend of confusion and indignation. He looked down to find her holding a cup and he found himself letting out a sigh of relief as he made a quick work of sheathing his shamsheer.

"I heard footsteps," he explained himself despite the fact she did not seek any explanation from him.

Not dropping that glare, she held the copper cup to her chest. "They were from me," she replied in a clipped tone, taking the cup to her lips.

He should have felt some relief from that but instead was met with his pulse quickening even faster than it needed to. She said nothing else as she set the cup down on the end table and walked away not far from his gaze as she soon disappeared behind the pardah surrounding her bed.

A soft sigh left her as she reclined on the bed, drawing up her cover cloth and just like that, she was shut to the waking world.

Jalal could only return to the divan for not only did she occupy his mind these days, but she was also disrupting his sleep cycles as well. It would be a miracle if he managed to even sleep a wink this very night.

And there it was again, another sound and this time it was different as he opened his eyes again and just like previously, they were directed in the direction of her bed. That sound was so faint and distinct that every hair on his skin prickled in response.

He wasted no time again as he was up on his feet again, walking over to her bed. Shoving aside the pardah that hid her away from him, he was at her side even before his mind could even react.

There it is, he thought as he snatched up her dupatta, earning him a startled gasp from Jodha Begum who sat upright. Her eyes were wide open in shock and fury as she was quick to berate him.

"Have you no honour?!" Her chest heaved as she drew the cover, clutching her clothed upper body. "Despite being the "Shehenshah", you truly have no shame," she said through quick panicky gasps

With his eyes gleaming with dark amusement, Jalal said nothing as he took off the dupatta to reveal a snake before throwing the cloth back at her.

"Perhaps this serpent should be more mindful of entering your space so boldly."

The light green serpent with its scale glistening in the light hissed at him as he held on tightly to it. The air stood silent and he already knew she could see the venomous creature without even turning to meet her. He gave the snake a casual glance as he held it up.

"Even I do not have the right to touch her yet you...you dare slither up to her space," he said, his voice taking on a grim tone as he addressed the animal in his hand. "You should be thankful, however. Your venom is enough to kill a man but hers," he glanced back at her with a wry smile, observing the way her eyes widened as she kept on a composed facade. Her initial anger shifted to a subtle mixture of confusion and disbelief. "Hers would make you wish for death itself."

With a sardonic chuckle, he took the snake outside and at a safe distance, released it into the darkness. When he returned to the tent, he walked over to Jodha's bed, sliding the pardah shut and sealing the barrier between them.

"I have no intentions of touching or dishonouring you, Jodha Begum," he explained with a slight smirk. "I was merely saving the life of that poor snake. For who knows what fate it might have faced had it dared to bite you?"

The tent fell silent as he went up to a thali holding some lit lamps and repellent oils, placing them around the tent and her bed to deter such incident from repeating itself.

"Dhanyavaad," she murmured in a voice barely audible but still managed to carry through the stillness of the night. Her tone was reluctant, yet genuine

His lips curved into a faint smile as he walked back to the divan, "I am grateful to have saved that creature. Only Khuda knows what would have happened if I hadn't."

From the other side of the pardah, he could tell she was struggling to not burst into laughter because, of course, she would find some kind of humour in this. He smiled again, with the faintest of smiles, as he reclined on the divan to find some sleep. Despite how elusive it stayed for him at this moment, the thought of her hidden laughter was enough for him.

"Takhliya!" With a firm voice, she had dismissed the bandhis who had followed her into this hammam. All that remained was the gentle trickle of water and her eventual solitude.

This hammam stood as her place of solace with the ambience running in the background. Here was where Ruqaiya could shed all facades and confront her thoughts, including the ones she had unsuccessfully attempted to bury.

It was ironic, wasn't it? The place where she came to for solace provided everything but that.

Ruqaiya leaned back against the smooth cold marble and briefly shut her eyes, letting the silence wash over her. How did Maham's words always come back to haunt her? Ruqaiya, believing she'd get the opportunity to confront that woman for her hand in Jodha's isolation in that room, was now the one dealing with the Wazir-e-Aliya's words.

They gnawed at her, coiling around her mind and lingering like a bitter aftertaste despite Ruqaiya's attempts at taking in the scent of the perfumed steam.

"First, it starts with a game of shatranj, Begum Ruqaiya. Then, it is your harem before it is your position in the Mughal Sultanate. Who knows what next it would be? The envied Mariam-uz-Zamani title as well?"

She gritted her teeth as those words echoed in her mind, taunting her. She could tell herself that such a thing won't happen; that her position was secure and that nothing would come between her and Jalal, but recent events indicated otherwise.

One of them being Jalal's decision to accept Jodha as his travel companion which stunned her. "Who am I to question Allah's will, Ruqaiya Begum? If she is the one chosen to accompany me to the dargah, then, so be it." This was rich coming from the same man who believed he carved out his destiny with his sword. Conveniently, here he was yielding to fate.

This brought her to the next train of thoughts as inspired by Maham's bitter truth, of course. "For the first time, Begum Ruqaiya, Jalal returned to Agra with a new bride without any announcement of his shaadi, not even you were privy to his intentions to pick up a new wife."

She had been by Jalal's side through everything. She had watched him ascend to the position of Shehenshah-e-Hindustan, had even kept constant communication with him while he was away at war. Yet, how could she deny the validity of Maham's words?

Now, that she thought about it, had she been truly oblivious to his intentions of bringing in Begum Jodha? Had the signs been right there all along, but she had chosen to ignore them?

Her mind drifted back to the memory of when he had returned from Shalpur, she could vividly remember him being absentminded. How could she forget about the cryptic answers he gave her as she tried to coax him about what he had found in Amer?

"Amer has something I want."

More like Amer had someone he wanted, that someone being Begum Jodha. She had thought so little of it that time, but now, it all added up.

Even if she had managed to gain an inkling of why Amer had his interest specifically, how could she have predicted that he'd marry a Hindu Rajvanshi queen, allow her to retain her religious practices and go as far as building a mandir within the four walls of this harem?

Her breath hitched as her eyes fell upon a floating rose petal, soft and delicate in the dim light. She picked it up, feeling the soft and silky texture under her fingertips. Despite its delicate appearance, it stood as a strong symbol of Begum Jodha - the source of her current unease.

Ruqaiya's eyes narrowed and her jaw clenched with Maham's words returning and becoming more unrelenting than ever: "...it starts with a game of shatranj...who knows what is next? The envied Mariam-uz-Zamani title as well?"

It was merely a game, a trivial competition, she had told herself at that time when she lost to Jodha's patience and skill. Now, with the Rajput queen's increasing influence in the harem and her companionship with Jalal on the pilgrimage, it ceased to be "just a game" and evolved into something else - one of struggle over her possessions and the power due to her.

Ruqaiya lay back into the water, her gaze growing cold and calculating as she held up the petal in her hand. A determined smirk tugged on her lips as she looked down on the delicate rose petal.

So, what if Jodha was the one chosen by unforeseen forces? So be it, in that case. Let the Rajvanshi queen find her peace at the Dargah. Let her believe Jalal's favour and attention mean anything beyond a passing whim. Let her believe that her place beside him on this pilgrimage gave her a sliver of power.

But at the end of the day, she reminded herself, the only woman who truly held the strings to Jalal's mind was none other than Ruqaiya Sultan Begum and that made her the Malika-e-Khaas. Fleeting interests were nothing new to Jalal, Ruqaiya had been with him long enough to know that fact and it was something Jodha would find out for herself.

"Hell will have to freeze over, Begum Jodha," she murmured to herself, her words echoing in the solitude of the hammam. "Before I let you usurp my place within the Sultanate."

With a final glance at the petal, she crushed it between her fingers, watching with satisfaction as its softness yielded to her strength. Then, she released it into the water, watching as it sank slowly beneath the surface

closing notes: hey guys, I am back from my little break! I had to take that because I found myself getting a little burned out and a burned-out writer = less satisfactory content and I do not want to put my readers through all that.

as of the title of the chapter, yes, it is inspired by a line in "Toxicity" by System of a Down but also, according to the lead singer, this line draws allusion from the Native American belief on meditation. "somewhere between the sacred silence and sleep" is often referred to the subconscious mind/reflection and in this chapter, it kind of toes the line here.

additional notes: I didn't plan to add this note until taking a stroll down the forums and seeing Shyamala Aunty's posts, which by the way, put in words my thoughts and feeling on a lot of these episodes in the serial. if a lot of you have noticed, I have avoided the whole "nafrat" cliché in TDR because of how annoying it has become while watching the serial and I don't want Jodha to be embroiled in that.

in addition to that, TDR's Jodha does have her reason for reverting to her pre-"nafrat ya mohabbat" self as Jalal had shut her away from civilization (for a day btw) without giving her the chance to explain herself due to his bias for Maham. and as we've noted from Hamida's pov in the previous chapter, Jodha could have stayed longer in isolation in that room had Hamida and Co. not gone to that room in concordance with the saint's prophecy.

anyway, how are you guys finding the new graphics? I had to touch things up for a bit here. anyway, thanks again for reading, voting and commenting. I love the feedback and love TDR has been getting from y'all and till we see next time 😄💜