Hi guys. Have you ever hated yourself so much that your too tired to do anything. I feel that way. I want to hurt myself. I want to make my body pay back for the time I lost crying myself to sleep, because win all honesty, life really actually does suck. You may think, "well your just over exadurating." But no,I'm not. I try really hard to get rid of these thoughts but only a few things can help me. By crying. By sleeping. By listening to music or nothing at all. To talk to friends. And....

Emily.

She helps me. She doesn't care that I'm an attention whore, or that I have did mean things to her. She doesn't care that I hate my body image and whole life in that matter. But she does care for the important things. She cares when I get hurt. She cares when I'm in pain. She cares when I'm sad. She just......cares.

And I love her.....I know she loves me too.

But that's the problem.

I love her. She loves me. But soon she will leave. Just like everyone and thing else. Nothing lasts forever. She loves me now, but what happens if I never have a chance to talk with her? What happens if I just don't have the time? Will she just loose interest. Or worse, what if something happens? She won't know. I won't know. One of us might die and then the other will never hear from them again.

My head is pounding. I'm aching. I'm tired as fuck. I'm depressed. I'm crying. I'm stupid.

I'm an idiot. My thoughts are idiot. My plans never work out. I'm too lazy. My nightmares just obsorb me. They take over. It scares me. It pains me. It makes me worry and do stupid things. It makes me choose the wrong things and hurts others. Its very dizzying to be honest.

If you are reading this you probably think I'm super depressed. You are probably thinking I'm in way over my head and I have had the worst day ever. But its not that bad. My bring just makes it that way. It just scares me how little control I have over myself. And I can never tell anyone outside of online. I barely know any of you, which disappoints me. It makes me feel like I only have friends that I will never get to see. It makes me feel like I am weak and can't face up to the fact of getting a real life. I'm telling you all of my problems, but you probably don't pay much attention.

I would be surprised if your still reading this!

But if you're, thank you. It means you care. And that's what I need right now. If for you guys to care.

Sorry for rambling. I'm jsut in a bad mood.(plus I can't text anyone because of bad connection)

Love you guys. Bye.