I took a shower and changed before shoving my things deep into my hold-all, with all intentions of leaving, when I spot a toy. Cranking my head to the side, I pick it up and look over it before unfolding the tag on its fluffy ear.

Zak
Happy Valentines Day

Love

I sighed as the name had been smudged making it impossible to read. Hearing movement, I turned to find him stood at the door with his hands shoved into his Jean pockets.

"Tell me how keeping this is any different than me wearing the tags?" I ask, but he doesn't answer and looks to the floor "No so different is it? Why didn't you throw this out when you broke up? In fact, have you kept it because you still have feelings for her?"

He frowned "Of course I don't. Don't be absurd."

"Then why do you have it?"

"I've given it to Gracie as a toy."

I scoff a laugh and drop it onto her bed beside Zak's bed. "Of course you did. Because a man who owns a house like this and has a Lamborghini can't afford a stuffed toy from a dollar store for his dog, right?"

"Stop twisting my words."

"I'm not." I object. "I'm just pointing some things out." I zip up my hold-all and organise the handles ready to leave when he crosses the room and places his hand onto the bag.

"Why can't you see this from my point of view? To me, you're hanging onto Cody. Every time I look at you, I see a piece of him.."

My heart sinks, wondering how he would feel if I told him that every time I look at myself, I see the future I was stole, a family that was taken from me. Maybe he would understand? Maybe he wouldn't? But right now, with how he's reacting, I had no doubt that he wouldn't understand and would throw the remainder of his toys out the stroller because he could.

"I'm not going to apologise for having a past Zak, you clearly have one too if you have that here for Gracie's sake. I call bullshit, what Valentine's Day was this? Last year? This year? The year before?"

"This year."

"That's still over 4 months ago. 16 weeks.. But let me guess, you've been too busy huh?"

"I'm not arguing with you about a toy." He mutters.

"But you want to argue over a chain."

"Yes! Because he's staking his claim on you dammit! He's trying to goad me! He knew how I would feel when you started wearing them! You knew how I'd feel when you started wearing them. Or is this the idea? Wear them to make me angry and jealous?"

"I'm too mature for games."

"Are you really? Because if that were true, you'd have taken them off and not put them back on."

"You know what?" I ask removing his hand off the bag. "I don't have to listen to this, in fact, I won't listen to this."

"You walk out and you can forget coming back!" He called after me, making my feet come to a halt.

I looked at the front door, wanting nothing more than to leave and let him have whatever moment he is having. Another part of me wanted to stay.. But how could I stay and still wear the chain. The link to my past, my family I almost had...

Looking back, I wish I had kept those photos safe, kept them out of harms way so that they didn't get destroyed, that I would have more than one. But I didn't, and they did and I only had one... Which Cody took.

You had 2 years to envision her..

I don't care if I had a lifetime. Thinking and actually seeing the small figure that was once in my tummy is two different things. Being able to point out the little nose and lips, the rounded belly and legs...

My fingers reached up and touched the chain gently, my thumb soothing over the etched words. Doing the same pattern over the tag as I used to when it was just us together.

Everything was such a mess now, everything was so much more complicated!

I'd never wish Cody dead, for heavens sake I cried for months, almost years over the man. And whilst I was happy to see him face to face, I was also pained, to know he had left me behind for the sake of another woman and her child. Would he have came back if Amelia had made it? Would he have came back at all? I had questions constantly bashing against the side of my skull and usually, I'd confine in Zak. Our impromptu counselling sessions. But how do you tell the man you're seeing, that you're confused about how you feel towards you're not so dead ex?

He was Amelia's father, and although I couldn't hold our baby, or bathe her, or feed her.  I will always remember her, there won't be a day that I don't wake up and wonder how old she would be, would she be a tom boy or a girlie girl? If she would have attitude or be an absolutely angel. If she would love or hate her Veg... I'll never forget feeling alive after feeling the touch of death for so long. The chance and hope for a future. For Cody to live on through our baby...

But she didn't, God bless her soul and no matter what, Cody will always have a place in my heart. Forever. Because he gave me a gift that can never be taken away.

"Leah, please.. Talk to me. Help me understand what's going on with you." Zak begged from behind me.

He wouldn't understand.

He wouldn't get it.

It's in the past, he would say...

I turned around and made my way back to the bed, placing my bag on the floor between my feet.

Sighing, I reached up around my neck and removed the chain so I could hold it. "I really like you Zak. You know I do. I hate how we've got like this. I miss us being us." I explain rubbing the pad of my thumb over the letters. "You asked if I felt anything for Cody and truthfully? I don't know. I loved him for four years, we spoke about everything.. Our own home, marriage... a baby."

I glanced at his reaction quickly to see him looking uncomfortable.

Knew I couldn't tell him..

"Then he was killed, taken from me in combat, I mourned him, I cried for him. I suffered for him. And now he is back. He's alive and well an—"

"Don't bullshit me when I ask... But do you still love him?" He questioned.

"I will always love him in some kind of way. Not in the conventional kind of way, not anymore. He was..." I paused trying to word this without making Zak jealous or trying to rub his nose in it. "He was my first... You know. Everything."

He nodded his head in understanding.

"But then I met you. I don't know what we are yet, but if it's nothing serious, then I like having not serious fun with you..."

"I like having not serious fun with you too."

"Then let's stop this. I want to be here, I want to be with you. Not Cody."

"But the chain." He points.

He wasn't going to let this lie.. But letting the chain go felt like I was letting go of Amelia's memory. It was also something I'd never do. Maybe he would have understood if I told him? But I couldn't risk it..

I spent two years thinking of my little girl, dreaming about her. I knew she was safe, that Cody was at the beginning of this cycle that I'm currently on. Giving the tags a comforting squeeze, I gently placed the chains into my bag for safe keeping.

"Fine. If me not wearing them is what you want. Then I won't." I muttered.

"See now you're annoyed about it."

I gave an exasperated sigh and flung myself back on his bed in frustration. I covered my face, willing myself to calm down and not let this turn into an argument.

"They are away. Either accept it now. Or I'm gone." I warn removing my hands to look at him.

He sighed and nodded "Fine. Fine. I'm just saying.."

"Well you don't need to." I answered him as he came and led on the bed beside me.

Silence enveloped the room as we stared at the ceiling. My mind drifting back to a time when things were sweet, confused feelings and endless questions were nonexistent and the most taxing problem was deciding what outfit to wear.

If I'm staying here for the next month, I need to get myself a job, otherwise myself and Zak will struggle. Not financial, but relationship wise. Being together constantly will ruin whatever we think might be occurring between us. We needed to give us a fighting chance. Which means taking off that chain, placing Cody's tags somewhere safe. But also getting myself a job. I can't be reliant upon him, I can't expect him to pay for me. I didn't have much going for me, or at least it felt like that.

So I had to consider the inevitable. I'd have to consider going back to the club...