The Delinquents

Chapter Sixteen

Nothing curbed the real sort of grief. The kind of grief that was all consuming. The kind of grief that scooped out everything that was important and dumped it in the trash. The kind of grief that could only come from losing your most valued connection.

Holding hands with the grief was the guilt. They skipped along together, laughing while they tore me apart. The grief I could deal with, it came in bouts and there were moments of reprieve where I was able to find my lungs and take a good long breath before I was submerged again.

Guilt was different.

It was suffocating, toxic, all consuming. It ate me up, spit me out, threw me into the ground. It pulsed through my veins, taking up my entire being. My head was filled with nothing but the thoughts it put there.

You should have been there for her. You shouldn't have let yourself be caught. You should have thought about her more. You should have forgotten Travis and used your freedom to go back to your mother. You should have loved her more. You should have fought harder to stay by her side. You should have been a better daughter. You shouldn't have let her die alone.

I winced. Alone.

That's what I was now. It didn't matter that I was surrounded by people. It didn't matter that Evan checked on me every hour, that Simon read his comic books to me at night, that Lily helped me into different clothes every morning, that Derek brought me food, that Gabe talked my ear off about cars and all his misadventures, that Keegan held my hand so tightly I felt - briefly - that I was somehow attached to the ground again.

It didn't matter because eventually Keegan had to let go, and Gabe ran out of stories, and Derek took away the discarded food, and Lily ran out of clean shirts to dress me in, and Simon got to the end of his comics, and Evan couldn't save me, no matter how many times he came to my side.

It didn't matter because those things, which kept me grounded briefly, had to end eventually. The only tether I had, the only unyielding, unconditional bond I had was now gone and I hadn't even been there to let it go myself.

No, my tether had been cut, the rope fraying until it snapped. I had floated away, unexpectedly and without control. The world that I knew got further and further away as I floated into outer space, cold, silent, and completely alone.

And just when I thought I would see the stars, the guilt would return and I would be blinded before I even got to glimpse their light. I was left in completely senseless solitude. Alone. Alone. Alone. Orphan. Orphan. Orphan. Dead. Dead. Dead.

I rolled over, grabbing a fistful of my blanket and squeezing it as hard as I could before I brought it to my lips, stuffed it into my mouth, bit down and screamed. My entire body went stiff, filled completely with tension. My lungs ached after a few prolonged seconds and my throat became raw.

When it was over, I rolled back over and was still, a few tears pooling into the corner of my eye and not tipping over until I let them. This was it for me now, random outbursts of emotion and long periods of lull.

It was like time stopped and then started. I blinked, suddenly coming to the realization that I wasn't in my bed anymore. I was sitting up, dressed and positioned in a chair. Across from me was an empty seat, behind that was a window that offered a view of the forest.

It was day time but the light wasn't bothering my eyes like it had before. I drank it in, basking in the sunlight, letting it overwhelm me. There was a soft noise behind me that I didn't turn toward. Evan came along my right, fingers brushing my shoulder as he walked by.

Slowly, he sat down in the chair opposite of me. He offered me a small smile that I couldn't return. The muscles in my face were frozen, just like the one inside my chest.

Evan coughed.

I blinked, lifting my eyes to his. Evan watched me for a long moment before he opened up the manila envelope in his hands and began reading. After a few long moments he closed the folder and placed it on his lap, folding his hands over top of it.

"Piper." I almost flinched at the sound of my name. "Piper, it's been nearly a week. You need to start recovering." This time I did flinch.

Guilt's sultry voice whispered in my ear, "Recovery was what your mother could never get. How dare you consider getting better when she never will?"

Evan frowned. "Piper? Did you hear me?"

I nodded, eyes unfocused.

Evan sighed, the sound a thousand times older than he was. "I know this is hard, Piper, I know it is. I just―you can't continue on like this. You have to talk, you have to eat, you have to get out of bed on your own. You can't live your life under your blankets, Piper, you're starting to scare the other kids and frankly, you're starting to scare me."

Guilt laughed, "I wonder how scared your mother was?"

Evan pressed his hands together, eyes heavy. "I didn't want to do this, Piper, but I really had no choice. I had to know if there was something about your... past that is affecting you now. I―I don't usually look any deeper into a kid's file than their offences, but in your case, my hands were tied."

"Remember when you were a kid? You hated being tied to your mother, hated when she spoke too loudly in supermarkets, wanted to scream every time she licked her thumb and dragged it across your cheek, made you go to piano lessons. Now you're free of her, aren't you just ecstatic?"

Evan took a deep breath, holding the air hostage inside his lungs. "I know about your sister, Piper, I know about your father. I know about what happened. I didn't want to find out this way but you left me no choice. I need to know now, is Sarah the reason you're having such a hard time?"

It was like I had been lit on fire.

"You have no right," I said slowly, my voice borderline guttural. I hadn't spoken for nearly a week and my vocal chords were out of use. "You have no right to speak about her."

Evan leaned back in his chair, eyes becoming careful and guarded. "I want to help you, Piper."

"Like you helped Travis?"

Evan was silent.

Guilt was enthralled. "Keep this up. I like it. Why not destroy the relationships you have with the people left breathing too?"

"You haven't been honest with me Piper and you're not working through the loss of your mother. I don't know what to do. If you don't comply with the rules here and partake in group and singular therapy than I have no choice but to send you back to your parole officer where it might be decided you are put into Juvenile Prison. I'm bound by the law, Piper."

"I can't talk about her," I told him, my throat flaring up with pain. I blinked tears out of my eyes as I gritted my teeth. I couldn't let myself go down that path.

Evan was patient. "That's alright. But we have to talk about your mother."

I took a deep breath. "Okay."

"She's alive!" Gabe shouted as I walked into the living room, shaking his hands while raising them dramatically in the air. I appreciated the reference. I felt like Frankenstein's monster.

"It's good to see you up and around, Piper," Derek said, offering me a small smile. I grimaced and pushed my hair behind my ears muttering a quick thanks.

"I'm really sorry about your mom, Piper," Lily said softly, dark eyes sympathetic. I swallowed but couldn't say anything. It was hard to speak when there was a knife shoved down your throat.

"Take a seat, Piper," Evan said, one hand on my back to guide me into a chair. I sat and looked down, letting my fingers twist themselves together. I felt their stares but couldn't meet them. "Who wants to start?"

Simon raised his hand shyly, "I have something to share."

Evan was pleased. "You have the floor, Simon."

"After Travis took my lighter from me and lit the shed ablaze, I decided it was time to stop carrying it around. I guess it was then that I realised my addiction and abuse had the potential to hurt others besides myself."

Evan grinned. "I'm so glad to hear that, Simon! Congratulations, this is a great step for you."

Gabe shrugged. "I mean it sucked when your lighter was snatched to set the shed up in flames but it was useful when we had fires in the backyard and wanted to light some scented candles around the house."

Simon laughed and Evan rolled his eyes. "Really, Gabe?"

"It was helpful too," Gabe said, "the lighter that is, not the addiction part."

By the time we got through Simon, Lily and Derek I was starting to fade. It became harder and harder for me to listen to the little revelations of the delinquents as I began to remember the huge blow I had taken to my life.

I felt Keegan's hand over mine and quickly withdrew. Guilt hissed in my ear, "You should have been there to hold your mother's hand as she died. But she was alone, and you made her that way."

"I really do think that it's been a great help to me," Derek was saying, "I mean I've changed so much after―"

"Who cares?" I blurted. Everyone around me fell silent so the only thing I could hear was my own heartbeat. I hadn't meant to speak aloud but now that I had it was too late to go back. "What does any of that matter? Personal growth, change, whatever. Who cares when everyone dies anyways?"

"Piper―" Keegan's voice was low and urgent. "Maybe we should―"

It was far too late.

"So what? Gabe stole cars because he had a tough time growing up. Simon did some drugs and wrecked himself. Travis is an arsonist to get back at his dad. Keegan's got anger issues. And Lily―I don't even know why she's here but it doesn't matter does it?" I looked at Derek and shook my head. "Why do you even bother? Keegan doesn't need you and you don't need to be here. What are you so afraid of that you choose to be institutionalized with a bunch of criminals? What is it about the real world that you can't handle?"

"That's enough," Evan said, voice tight.

"I agree," I exploded, "I've had enough. I've had enough circle time, I've had enough ego patting, I've had enough sob stories. Do you want to know what I think about everyone's progress? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because all the progress in the world isn't going to change the fact that we'll never be fully trusted, or that we'll always have a black mark on our pasts, or that we'll all die as criminals." I tried to swallow but couldn't quite do it. "I've had enough of pretending that we can get better and pretending that it matters if we do."

"Piper..." Evan said.

I looked up at him, tears pooling. "My mom is dead. I didn't even get to spend time with her before she died because I got arrested. The only reason I was even there that day, the only reason I was even stealing in the first place was to pay for her treatment. I only ever became a thief because I was trying to stop the world from stealing my mother."

"Because she mattered to you," Evan said. It was still strange hearing words associated with her change from the present tense to the past.

"She died anyways."

Again, I felt Keegan's hand on my arm. "Let's go outside, Piper." I let him steer me out of the room and into the backyard. He held onto me tightly, making sure I didn't trip or stumble. Before I knew it we were under the cherry blossom tree.

I recoiled instantly, pulling myself from Keegan's hold and taking a few steps backwards. Keegan looked back at me, surprised. "I thought you loved this tree, I thought it would make you happy."

I felt sick. "I hate this tree."

"But you always sit underneath it."

"As punishment," I admitted. By now, tears were flowing freely and my nose was running. I didn't have the mind to do anything about either.

"What do you mean?" Keegan's eyes were dark and sincere. He wanted to know and suddenly I wanted to tell him.

"The reason why me and my mom are alone is because my dad left her. He left and it was up to me to provide for my mother."

"Why did he leave?"

I looked up at the tree and watched as some of the petals fell, falling slowly to the ground. It was a beautiful tree, broad and strong. Dark brown branches contrasted with the light pink flowers that covered it.

"I had a tree like this in my old neighbourhood. It was the only one like it in the area so naturally me and my sister couldn't stay away."

"I didn't know you have a sister," Keegan said.

"Had," I corrected softly.

Keegan's face was full of pity and curiosity. "What happened?"

"Sarah was three years older than me and my best friend. We used to play by the cherry blossom tree after school. It was on our route home. Well, we were playing there one day after school and my mom showed up in the car. It was really strange for her to come and get us but we didn't question it. So we got in the car and it became obvious as soon as she was driving that something was wrong. She had just been diagnosed that day and I guess... I don't know... I guess she couldn't handle it or something."

Keegan's jaw clenched as he lowered his eyes. "And then?"

"She was drunk driving and it ended how almost every drunk driving incident ends. We got into a really bad accident. She didn't hit anyone else, just ran us off the road and into a ditch. The car rolled a few times and the first side to be hit was Sarah's. She died on impact. I broke my collarbone and had a concussion, my mother was unscathed. The doctors told us later that the alcohol in her system allowed her body to be less rigid and therefore less likely to be injured."

"Shit," Keegan breathed, eyes searching my face.

"I was awake when the firefighters cut Sarah out of the car, I was awake when I was pulled out too, and I was awake when they pronounced her dead on the scene." I drew in a long breath. "The funny thing is we didn't even make it that far before we crashed. I could see the cherry blossom tree from the stretcher."

"Piper, I don't even know what to say."

I pressed my hands to my stomach. "So Sarah died and my mother sobered up and she died a little that day too. My father came and was so distraught that he left the hospital and didn't show up again until years later, after my mother had already relapsed."

"What did he say when he came back?"

"He wanted me to leave her, he wanted her to die alone. He thought I was betraying Sarah by supporting her murderer. I refused him and I betrayed Sarah because I didn't want her to die alone." My voice dropped until it was nearly a whisper. "But she died alone anyways."

"I don't think you betrayed Sarah. I don't think your father was right to punish you and your mother. Nothing in life can be controlled, not even the little things. Your mother's choices, the resulting consequences, the divide in your family, none of that was in your control. I believe your mother's guilt was her punishment as well as her disease. It's a terrible situation but I think you navigated it as best as you could."

He's just trying to pacify you.

"As best as I could? I didn't get a job I turned to theft. I didn't support my mother, I hardly saw her. I wasn't there with her for her last days alive and I wasn't there when she died. I don't think I did the best I could have."

"Would you have been able to pay for your mother's care with a part time job? Would you have been able to keep her alive if you hadn't been out struggling to get enough money to treat her? You may not have been there but you are the reason she had those days at all, you are the reason she got to live."

"And what good did that do her?" I shot back. "What good was it for her to live? She spent it in pain and suffering. She was alone, with her only living daughter arrested. She had no husband, no daughter, nothing. She was simply living because she was not dead."

Keegan was suddenly furious. "Stop this. Stop speaking like this. I know what this feels like, to blame yourself over and over. To bury yourself in anger and guilt. It does nothing but destroy you very slowly. Everything you've done wasn't bad, and it wasn't in vain."

"I could've done better," I sobbed, falling into his chest. Keegan wrapped his arms around me, using one hand to press my head into his chest. He held me tightly.

"We can all do better, Piper," Keegan said, "but we can only be better for the future."

I stayed in Keegan's hold, crying and wailing until the sound of the guilt was drowned out and my throat was raw. Keegan was patient, offering me words of comfort and holding me with reassurance and love.

When it was all over Keegan walked me back to my room, stopping only to tell Evan where I was going. He tucked me into bed and stayed by my side, holding my hand over the covers until I began to fall asleep. Just before I succumbed, Keegan's words drifted back to me, circling my mind.

We can only be better for the future.

I swore to myself that I would be.

* * *

Finally! Piper's story is revealed. I plan to finish this story within the next few weeks.

Thanks for reading! (: