we began
with honesty
let us end
in it too

- rupi kaur

"Come back soon!" I yell after Jordan, Luis, and the girls as they climb into the minivan to head back to their suburban two-story.

"Oh, don't worry, we'll be back," Jordan yells, her torso hanging out the window while Luis tries to close it. "Love you, Rach!"

"I love you guys too!" I answer, still waving as their car disappears.

I stand on the curb for a moment and draw in a deep breath. With the rush of friends and family, this relocation has hardly felt real, but now it's starting to sink in. I head back up the stairs to my new apartment; Chloe is off at the farmer's market getting some fresh fruit and vegetables and Hina, our third roommate, has yet to return from a weekend away. Honestly, I'm glad she didn't have to meet me in all my sweaty, unpacking glory. Once inside the apartment, I head to my room, the first door on the left past the living room and kitchen.

The small bedroom is already starting to look like home. I've hung cheery white curtains around the windows, set up two bookshelves and a desk, and put a gray and purple quilt on my single bed. I step over a few of the unpacked boxes and climb onto the bed, falling back into the plush pillows and sighing.

I'm here. I'm really here. Right now, I feel like a visitor, like I'm going to wake up tomorrow in my old apartment with Emmalee, go to work for Tina again, and then spend the evening with Aaron. But all of that's gone. I made this decision to start over, and I swear I'm going to make it count.

I open my phone and review the twenty-three texts from Mom requesting a video tour of the apartment; I'll have to FaceTime her later this week so she can see my new place. If I don't, I'll never live it down. She also sent me a picture of fresh chocolate chip cookies, unashamedly trying to lure me home. I know she doesn't approve of me moving all the way out here, but I think she just wants to protect me. Every mom wants to protect their child from pain, and when I was nearby, she could take care of me. Now, I'm on my own again and the last time that happened, I came home destroyed.

I respond to a few texts from Emmalee and promise to call her sometime soon. Then I see a text from Aaron.

Of everyone from home, he's the only one I wish were here with me. I'm so used to telling him everything and sharing every second of my day with him that it feels wrong that he doesn't know all of the details of the move out here and exactly what I'm thinking and feeling. When I gave him the last of the things he'd left in my apartment, I told him I was moving away. Our final conversation consisted of me shoving a box into his arms and trying not to make eye contact.

But now he's texted me again, asking how the move went, and I call him back before I realize what I'm doing. I press the phone to my ear and chew on my lip, mistakes brimming at the tip of my tongue as the ring tone dials.

"Hello, Aaron Webb speaking."

I smile at his voice--soft, assured, and kind. "Hey, Aaron."

The phone is muffled for a moment as he shifts. "Rachel! Uh, hey. I didn't expect you to call."

This is a mistake. "Uh, should I not have called? I'm sorry. I just, I saw your text and I thought-"

"No, it's fine. I'm just surprised." He sighs against the phone and I feel my chest clench. "How...how are you? Have you moved yet?"

"Yeah, I just moved this weekend. Dad helped me drive my stuff out to Chloe's apartment and I'm just getting settled in, or trying to."

"That's great." A long pause passes. "I didn't...you didn't move because of me, did you?" Aaron's voice tightens.

"No. Of course not. I just, it was suffocating, living at home. And I don't think I realized that until..."

Aaron sighs and I hate myself for making him relive this. "Until I proposed."

A beat passes. "Yeah. I...I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called. I wasn't thinking."

"No, Rachel, it's alright. I texted you. You're fine."

Despite everything, despite what I put him through, I still have to fight the urge to spill my heart to him. His proposal has had a Domino effect on my entire life, revealing a four-year string of disappointed dreams and unfulfilled desires. In a sense, his proposal has set me free to try again. I almost wish I were meeting Aaron today instead of saying goodbye to him. Maybe then I could have loved him like he deserved.

"Are you moving to Massachusetts?" I ask.

"In a few weeks. You...there's nothing left for me here anymore."

Maybe we've both been set free through this heartbreak. "You'll be great there. I'm sure of it."

"So will you. I'm sorry I couldn't...I wasn't the person who could help you forget. I wanted to be."

Tears spring to my eyes. "I wish you could have been too," I answer in a whisper, "but you helped me heal, and maybe that's more important. I just...I'm sorry. I hope you know that. I didn't mean to hurt you."

Aaron sighs again. "I know. I think it's my turn to heal now."

His words bring a sense of finality, the end of an era, a goodbye to another could-have-been. Regret lingers at the edge of my reality, threatening to pull me in and taunt me with all the chances I've missed.

"Did I make a mistake?"

The words are out of my mouth before I realize I've said them aloud. I clap a hand over my mouth. Dang it. I didn't want Aaron to know that I've second-guessed refusing him, but I've never been able to lie to him, not even for his own sake.

Aaron laughs, soft and throaty. "I wish I could say that you did. Crap, I wish you'd take it back and we could do this all over again." He pauses. "But I don't think you're capable of lying to anyone but yourself, Rachel. And I think you know this wasn't a mistake. You're right. When you love someone, it should be...they should be everything to you. I just wish I could have been your everything."

My heart constricts in my chest and I close my eyes for a moment, breath trembling. He's right. Regardless of Josh, regardless of my past, we both deserve that soul-shattering, life-altering, all-consuming love. I just hope it's not too late for me. I hope I didn't miss my only chance.

"Thank you," I whisper. "Good luck in Massachusetts. I'll always miss you."

"I'll always miss you too, Rachel."

The call ends, and I know with a certainty in my soul that we'll never see each other again. Even though that aches, I also know that new beginnings often bring hard endings. Tears well in my eyes as I remember all of the firsts and lasts we shared. Those memories will forever be locked away in my vault of what-have-beens.

When I hear the front door swing open, I climb out of my bed and wipe at my eyes. I glance in the small mirror by the door and laugh at the sight of my short curls forming a frizzy halo around my now patchy face. Great.

"Hello? Chloe? What'd you find?" I call as I clamber over a box and enter the hallway.

Instead, I come face to face with a girl who I have to assume is roommate number three. "Uh, hi!" I grin at her, hoping to hide the fact that I've been crying, and shove my hand in her face. "I'm Rachel Evans."

The girl's round face transforms into a soft smile, straight black hair brushing just above her shoulders as she takes my hand. "I'm Hina Yamasaki. It's great to meet you; Chloe's told me so much about you!" Hina's sweet voice soothes my awkwardness as her obsidian eyes wrinkle in a smile.

"Welcome back," I say with an apologetic grin. "Sorry for all my crap. I'm still working on unpacking." I gesture behind me to the bedroom filled with boxes that are still very much packed.

"No worries. When I first moved here, I think I lived out of boxes for almost a year." Her smile reveals a set of perfect teeth. She tilts her head as if to ask a question but is interrupted by Chloe entering behind her.

"I'm home!" she calls, waving a handful of spring onions and a vine of tomatoes in her hands. "Hina, welcome back! You've already met Rachel?"

"I have! She was just showing me all her progress in unpacking." Hina offers me a soft, knowing smile and straightens the blush-colored sheath dress that hangs over her willowy figure.

Chloe sets the groceries on our kitchen table and glances at me. I turn my face away, but it's too late. "Rachel? What's wrong?" she demands, stepping into my line of sight.

This is one of those times that I wish I weren't such an ugly crier. With only a few tears, my face transforms into this grotesque tomato designed to frighten children and scare off men.

"And don't you dare say nothing's wrong. I know that face."

I wince and try to cover my blotchy skin. "I called Aaron."

Chloe's face deadpans and she quirks her lips. "Why would you do that?"

I duck my head in shame. "I just...he texted me and I missed him and we never really said goodbye."

Hina intervenes, touching Chloe's arm. "What happened? Is something wrong?"

I sigh. Great. Now I get to air all my dirty laundry in front of my new roommate. Hina doesn't know me, so this is definitely going to look like a quarter life crisis. I knew she would learn about my ignominious past eventually, but I was hoping we would at least have one full conversation first. I guess not.

I turn to Hina with an awkward laugh. "Part of the reason I moved out here was because my boyfriend--or, ex-boyfriend--proposed and I had to end things. We dated for almost two years and it's...well, I miss him."

Hina nods, eyebrows drawn together. "Clean breaks are hard."

"Yeah. Yeah, they really are."

"I'm going to make us some tea," she announces, moving towards a black and white speckled teapot on the stove. "Oolong alright? Anyone care for some Snickerdoodles?"

Chloe and I both chime our consent and I curl up on the floor at the base of the couch, huddling over my steaming mug despite the heat. Chloe sits beside me, knees curled underneath her and her midi skirt spread across the floor.

"So what happened, Rach?" she asks, her voice softer this time.

"We talked through things. He was my closest friend for two years. I...I asked him if I made a mistake, refusing him."

Chloe's eyebrows shoot up. "Holy crap. What'd he say?"

I shrug, picturing Aaron's gentle features and pale eyes. "He told me the truth. That I made the right decision for both of us. That maybe our relationship was what I needed to be able to start over."

Hina curls up on the floor across from us with her tea cup, slipping off her ballet flats and sinking her toes into the plush carpet. "Can I ask what happened to make you need a new start?"

Chloe and I trade a look. "Have you ever been in love?" I ask, not knowing how else to broach my past.

Hina smiles, showing a mole on one cheek. "I have." I can see the truth in her eyes, that shadow of love lost that sets her apart.

I shrug. "Me too. Four years ago. It broke me and even though I recovered, I never really moved on. I still don't know if I have. He's still...his memory still interferes with my daily life."

Hina nods. "You still compare everyone to him and what you had with him."

I look up at her, raw yearning in my eyes. How did she read my exact thoughts? I feel less alone knowing that I'm not the only one who's faced this.

"Is that wrong? That I want those same feelings again?"

"I don't think there are two sorts of the same love," Chloe interjects. "You might never feel the same way you felt for Josh."

Her words compound my worry. What if Josh was my one chance at that soul-altering love? What if those feelings that I crave to this day will never return? What if I spend the rest of my life chasing something that doesn't even exist? These questions have haunted me for four years, and I still have no answer.

"But then again," Hina says, a smile quirking at her Cupid's bow lips, "You might feel something even stronger."

~~~~~

Okay, I kind of loved Aaron, but it's time she completely let him go! Welcome to all the new readers, I hope you're enjoying the story :) Please let me know what you think so far and any predictions you have about what's going to happen next!