There is a stirring in my soul; a restless, wild anticipation.
I am staring out into the horizon as far as I can
I can't see what's beyond it--but I can feel it.
- Lang Leav

My mind whirls at the prospect of leaving the life I've lived for the past four years, my family, friends, job. The thought of starting over without any of the baggage I've been lugging behind me is intoxicating. I've tried to map out every step of my life, but it somehow still led me back to my hometown despite my best laid plans. A flurry of emotions surrounds me, but Chloe's suggestion remains. Maybe I do need a second chance.

"Are you serious?"

It sounds too good to be true, and my hopes soar. I could leave Tina and my demanding, underpaying job behind. I could move away from Emmalee and Mom and learn to be my own person again, not the shell of a human being I've become. I could leave the memories here in my hometown and try to start over.

"One hundred percent. I just--well, I miss you, and it's a good opportunity. At least think about it," Chloe says.

"I...I'll think about it. For sure." A smile takes over my face. "Thank you, Chlo. This is...you're an amazing friend. Thank you."

"Anything for you, Rachel. Let me know."

"I will. Love you."

"Love you too."

I end the call and heave a sigh, my mind skittering through the possibilities. I'm already discontent with my job. I'm only a staff writer, but I do the work of three people with no appreciation or compensation. Tina is horrible to work for, demanding, and vindictive, and I hate going into work every morning. At this point, she's taken the joy out of a job I used to love. Maybe starting somewhere new could resurrect that passion.

Plus, as much as I love my family and Emmalee, I often feel suffocated by their constant presence in my life. I don't have the room to breathe, and I've let it stifle me and keep me from going anywhere outside of the comfort zone I've built for myself. Now one piece of my comfort zone is gone and maybe it's time to dismantle the entire safety net.

The decision is made and I'm not going to second guess and overthink like I usually do. I jump up from the curb, get in the car, and drive to Thornwald Park, the only place left where I can really be alone. I have to think through everything. Am I crazy to consider uprooting my life? What kind of life even is it? Is there something better for me out there, outside of my hometown? I know the answer. I need a restart, a refresh on life.

Holy crap. I'm really doing this. God bless Chloe.

~~~~~

A few days later, I show up at my parents' front door. I already made reparations with Mom for running out on our conversation about Aaron, but I have yet to relay my biggest news. The broad oak front door swings shut behind me as I enter and find my parents sitting in the living room with Tommy playing XBox. Dad lowers his newspaper when he sees me and props his reading glasses on his forehead.

"Rachel? What are you doing here?" he asks, smiling at me.

Mom turns around from where she dusts the mantle with a rag. "Rachel."

"Mom, Dad, I've decided something."

My heart hammers in my chest and my courage fades as I consider leaving the two people who have been constants in my tumultuous life. Am I making a huge mistake? What the heck am I doing? Dad smiles at me again, prompting me on.

"I'm moving to Columbus," I blurt out, my words filling the room with their potency.

My declaration shocks everyone, including me. Mom laughs and looks at my dad as if he's going to tell her that we're playing a prank on her. He just stares at me, his mouth hanging agape and the newspaper forgotten in his lap.

"I'm moving to Columbus," I continue, voice gaining power. "Chloe's newspaper offered me a position as a reporter. I can...I'm going to move in with Chloe and start over. I hate my job here and I don't think I can live with Emmalee any more. This place is just too...I need to start over."
Silence reigns, and the reality of what I've decided sinks in. I'm going to uproot my entire existence and travel to a new place and a new job that I know almost nothing about. I start to think through everything I'm going to have to do: get out of my apartment lease, quit my job and face Tina's wrath, tell Emmalee I'm leaving, pack everything I own into my barely-drivable car.

Start over.

"Well?" I say. Mom and Dad are still speechless and shell shocked.

"Goodness," Dad says, rising slowly and pacing in front of me. He runs a hand over his bald head. "This is rather sudden, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I guess so, in some ways, but I think I've been discontent for a really long time. I just didn't want to admit it to myself."

Dad turns to face me, his warm eyes staring into mine. "This is really what you want to do?" I nod and chew on my lip. "Well, I think it's a great idea. It's just what you need, and you'll have Chloe to help get you settled in."

He steps towards me and wraps me into a hug. I melt against his chest, the old flannel shirt he wears rough against my cheek. With Dad behind me, I know I'm making the right decision.

Mom looks between the two of us like we've grown unicorn horns. "Have you both lost your minds? Rachel can't move."

"Mom," I plead with her, trying to ignore the fact that I'm being treated like I'm five. "I need to do this. The only reason I moved home in the first place was because I wanted to be here when Gramps was dying, and now, without Aaron, there's nothing keeping me here."
Mom sniffs back her tears and crosses her arms, her eyes jumping to a photograph of the five of us, my family and Aaron, that rests on the end table.

"I guess we're nothing to you now." My mom, queen of manipulation.

I sigh. "I didn't mean it like that. It's just, I don't have anything besides you guys. My job sucks. Emmalee is...well, you know how she is. And now Aaron and I are over." My voice quivers for a second and I miss his steady presence beside me, holding my hand. "I need to do this, Mom."

The tears welling in her eyes threaten to overflow as she looks back at me. "I want what's best for you, Rachel. The last time you left home..."

A shudder goes through my body. I will never forget the depressed wreck of a human being I was for the year after I finished college. Between Gramps dying and Josh breaking my heart, I was a disaster, but I'm not that girl any more. I've learned how to take care of myself, and I need the chance and the space to do it.

~~~~~

"You're what?" Emmalee screams when I break the news to her a few days later.

"I...I'm moving out," I answer, inching away from the chopping knife that lays a few inches from Emmalee's hand. I'm going to need all my fingers to type at the new job. "I got a job offer and I think it's a good chance to-"

"You're leaving. You're leaving me?" Emmalee's eyes widen and I watch as her brain tries to wrap itself around the concept. "Crap. It's my fault."

"Em, no. It's not because of you. Aaron and I broke up and my job sucks and Mom is way too involved in my life and-"

"Crap." Emmalee starts to pace, her hands catching in her braids. "I'm sorry, I know I can be a little too much to handle sometimes, but you don't have to leave. We can talk about it and work things out. I swear I'll give you your space." Under her breath, she mutters, "I knew I shouldn't have color coded all the food."

"Em!" I say, pulling her hands out of her hair and clasping them between us. Her eyes dart around for a moment before centering on me. "Listen, it's not your fault."

She sighs, pulls away from me, and sags against our formica countertop, narrowly missing a pile of chopped tomatoes. "I'm a horrible friend."

I laugh a little and she glares at me. "So am I. Sometimes I screen your calls."

Emmalee turns to look at me and a weird smile comes onto her face. "I clean your room when you're not home."

"Oh, I know," I answer, leaning on the countertop beside her. "I keep finding all my books alphabetized."

Emmalee snorts and her shoulders sag. "You swear that's not why you're moving? I know it's hard to live with me sometimes."

"Em, seriously. I know we haven't been as close recently, but that's my fault too. I'm not..." I search for the right word, and when I find it, I'm shocked. "I'm not happy."

Emmalee rotates to look at me, her thick eyebrows drawn together. "What? Really? I...I had no idea."

"I didn't either," I answer. "Not until right now."

The discontent that I've been shoving into the pit of my stomach erupts with a vengeance and I see all the ways that I've tried to silence this feeling of unhappiness. I've distracted myself with work and family and friends and Aaron, but I can't ignore it any longer. I know life isn't always supposed to be happy, but I know I'm not supposed to spend four years wallowing in discontentment. I need change.

Emmalee takes ahold of my arm and leans her head against my shoulder. "I'm sorry," she murmurs in a soft voice.

"It's okay," I answer with a teary laugh. "It's life. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows."

Emmalee pulls away from me and plasters her million watt smile across her face. "Well, you have to let me help you pack. I'm a pro."

I laugh, recalling the way her boxes included typed out lists of their contents. Each box was packed like a game of Tetris. Watching Emmalee organize is like watching art.

"Yes, please. I'll take all the help I can get."

"When are you moving?"

"Three weeks. I'll give Tina my notice, get packed up, and head to Ohio."

This is really happening.

Emmalee's dark eyebrows knit together. "Are you scared?"

"Of course I'm scared," I answer, voice dropping. "I'm always terrified when I try something new."

But it's been so long since I've tried anything new that this feeling is foreign. It reminds me, as so many things do, of Josh. It reminds me of the first day of college when I showed up for the wilderness adventure camp and was overwhelmed by Josh's friendly confidence. It reminds me of Josh's birthday when he encouraged me to jump on a zipline even though I wanted to pee my pants. It reminds me of our first kiss, the biggest risk we ever took.

"Nah," Emmalee says, pulling away from me and propping her hands on her hips. "You're brave."

~~~~~

I carry one of the last boxes down the three flights of stairs to my waiting car. I'm positive that I have pit stains and sweat has dripped into every crevice of my body. It doesn't help that the stairwell isn't air conditioned and the humidity is super high. Why I thought moving in the dead of summer was I good idea, I don't know.

Tommy bounds up the stairs beside me in a pair of gym shorts, a t-shirt, and black socks halfway up his calves. "Any more to carry?"

"A few more boxes," I say between sharp inhales.

He continues to run up the stairs like the heat has no effect on him. He somehow got all of the athleticism in our family while I ended up with asthma, a deep hatred for exercise, and a well-endowed set of love handles.

Blinded by sweat, I finally make it out of the stairwell to the cracked curb where Mom and Dad wait with both my Bug and their Ford F250. Turns out, the Ladybug couldn't hold all of my earthly possessions, so Dad is making the trip with me to take all of the stuff I've accumulated over the years in addition to a set of Norman Rockwell lookalike paintings Mom insisted would make beautiful decorations and a rocking chair that has been passed down through the generations and smells of mildew. One of these days, I really need to learn how to say no.

"Is that everything?" Dad asks as he stacks a few more boxes in the bed of the truck.

"Not quite," I answer between pants. "Tommy's getting another box and Emmalee's cleaning up the last of the stuff."

"Honey, are you sure you don't want me to come along with you and your dad?" Mom asks from under the shade of an oak tree where she sits in a bag chair sipping a glass of lemonade. "I could ride with you and keep you company."

I close my eyes and stifle a laugh at the prospect of my mother and me in the car for eight hours together. She has a lot of opinions on how I drive and makes sure to express every single one of them. I'd be tempted to pull alongside the road, open the door, and shove her onto the berm.

"You know what, Mom, I think I'm good." I watch Dad hide a smile behind a box at my words.

"Well, I've packed you guys a cooler of food so make sure you leave space in the passenger seat."

"Chocolate chip cookies?" I ask, my mouth watering.

"Absolutely. And enough frozen meals for your first week."

I give Mom my cheesiest smile. "You're the best."

She just raises her eyebrows and says, "You should remember that more often."

Tommy and Emmalee show up a few minutes later with a few stacks of boxes and before I know it, Dad and I are ready to take off. I force Tommy to give me a hug and try to ignore the overpowering odor of Axe body spray. I pull Emmalee into an embrace, a forgiveness and an apology in the way I wrap my arms around her slender frame. I hug Mom and blink back the surprising tears that sting my eyes. I don't have many words to offer them, so I hope this is enough.

I turn to the front door of my car and swing it open, offering a final brave smile and I wave as I climb inside.

Goodbye, I whisper.  

~~~~~

Who else can't wait for Rachel to move to Columbus? Leave me your predictions here, and thanks for reading!