How easy
it is
to forget
that while we
spend our time

chasing sunlight,

the darkness
spends its time
chasing

us.

-Tyler Knott Gregson

When Saturday morning comes and Emmalee pounds on my door at 7:00 A.M., I contemplate murder and wonder why I didn't hide a kitchen knife under my pillow for such a time as this.

"Go away!" I yell into my pillow.

When we first moved in together, we decided that we had to set aside a certain time every week for roommate bonding. For whatever harebrained reason, I thought Saturday breakfast would be a fun tradition, the one day of the week on which I can actually sleep in. Emmalee, of course, has made sure that we never miss roommate breakfast even when we spend the rest of our free time together.

"It's breakfast time," she says.

I sigh. "I know, but I was up late last night. I need to sleep."

I haven't told her yet about Aaron and I'm not sure when I will. I spent most of last night doing all the traditional post-breakup tasks. I gathered a box of his belongings: his bag of Colombian coffee and his owl mug, his baggy college sweatshirt that I kidnapped, a few books I borrowed but never read. I'm hoping, praying, that the sooner I root him out of my life, the sooner this guilt will fade away. So far, no luck.

"Rachel!"

I finally get out of bed, my hair plastered against one side of my head and one shoulder hanging out of my pajama top, an old debate t-shirt throwback to my teenage self. When I open the door, Emmalee is fully dressed and standing with one hip cocked and her braids draped over one shoulder.

"Emmalee, last night was one of the worst nights of my life." I fight to keep my voice calm. "I went to bed at 3:00 A.M. and I didn't sleep well. Please, just today, let me skip roommate breakfast."

For a moment she looks disappointed, but then she scooches past me and sits on my bed, kicking off her flip flops. "So tell me what happened?"

I feel a flash of surprise. I can't remember the last time she asked me about my life--or maybe she has, but I wasn't listening. Part of me wants to kick her out of my room so I can go back to sleep, but the pounding drum in my head assures me I won't get any more rest today. I curl up on the bed, squeezing a chevron patterned pillow between my knees and my chest and resting my chin on it.

"Aaron and I broke up," I mumble, my words muffled by the pillow.

Emmalee's eyebrows shoot up. "What? Are you kidding? You two were so good together! What happened? Are you okay?"

Her onslaught of questions make me laugh and groan at the same time as I bury my face in the pillow and roll over on my side. "It gets worse," I grumble. "He proposed."

When I look up again, her face is blank and her mouth is open in shock. I wait for her to say something, but then I realize that there's nothing to say. It was my decision to make, I made it, and now I have to live with it.

"And you said no."

I heave a sigh, squeezing my eyes shut as my brain replays the confused, heartbroken expression on Aaron's face. "I said no." 

"How do you feel about that?" Emmalee asks.

I feel a stab of guilt for complaining about her to Aaron so often; right now, she's empathizing with me, and that's what I need. I need someone who won't pass judgment on me or see the error in my ways; my mistakes are clear enough. Emmalee's empathy and listening ear make her a welcome friend.

"I...I mean, I'm sad, obviously. I couldn't marry him though. It was the right choice. I mean, I couldn't stop comparing him to Josh and it just...I didn't feel the same way about him, you know?"

Emmalee rolls her eyes and falls back on the bed with an exaggerated groan. "I'm so tired of hearing about Josh! Don't tell me that he's the reason you didn't say yes to Aaron?"
My face reddens. "I didn't feel the same way for Aaron."

"No two relationships are going to feel the same. Do you remember Collin?" How could I forget. Collin was friends with Emmalee and me when we worked at summer camp and I dated him for a few months before things came to a disastrous end thanks to none other than Josh. "Things were different with him, but you still ended your relationship because of Josh."

"Don't talk about Josh like that. You never even met him."

"You're still defending him!" Emmalee's dark eyes flash. "Sure, I didn't know him, but I do know what you were like after he destroyed you. I can't believe you actually want to feel like that again."

I close my eyes and remember the days when I walked around like a robot, not thinking or feeling. I remember days spent sobbing in bed because I missed him so badly that my heart eroded in my chest. But I also remember the parts of the story that Emmalee doesn't: incandescent happiness. Unending laughter. Perfect understanding.

"It was more than the pain," I croak, my throat scratchy. "He...he made me the happiest and the saddest that I've ever been. I can't just forget that."

Emmalee's expression softens when she sees the tears welling in my eyes. "I'm sorry, I know he made you happy. It's just that...now he doesn't. Not any more. Now he's keeping you from being happy even though you haven't even seen him in four years."

I look up at her, her face blurred by my tears. "You don't think I know that? You don't think I want to be happy without him? I've tried. I tried with Aaron, I just...I couldn't."

I swipe away the tears with the back of my hand and try to regulate my breathing. I've mourned enough. I'm not going to let myself be swallowed in grief again. I can't endure another journey through that kind of darkness.

"I'm sorry," Emmalee says, standing up and slipping her shoes back on. "I'll go. Uh, get some rest."

I roll over on my bed as the tears continue to fall no matter how much I try to stop them. I miss Aaron. I miss Josh. I miss so many people, but none of them are coming back and I have to figure out what to do next.

A few minutes later, Emmalee sneaks back into my room and leaves a cup of tea on a coaster on my dresser.

When I finally drag myself out of bed later that day, I text my mom to let her know Aaron won't be coming to Sunday dinner. I plan to break the news to her in person; I'm pretty sure she'll be even more devastated than I am. She keeps telling me that Aaron is her only hope for grandkids, and even though I play it off as a joke, I think she's afraid that if we don't work out I'll never be able to find anyone else. Most of the people my age are dating, engaged, or married, and I think she assumes there's something wrong with me if I'm not in a relationship as well. Granted, there is something wrong with me. I'm hung up on a relationship from four years ago.

When I tell Mom we broke up, I'm going to be bombarded with questions. "Is it too late?" "Can't you go and beg him to take you back?" "What are you going to do now?" And my personal favorite, "Do you want to die alone?"

I flop onto the bed and go to turn my phone on silent so I don't have to respond to the 50 texts I know Mom will send when I see a missed call. Chloe.

I call her back immediately. Even though Chloe and I aren't as close as we were in college, we still talk once or twice a month on the phone. She's been living in Manhattan for a few years but recently took a job in the Midwest.

"Hey, Rach!" Chloe screeches in my ear.

"Hey," I answer, my voice dismal in comparison.

"What's going on with you and Aaron? I got your text."

"He proposed and I ended things."

"That's exactly what you said in your text. What happened?"

In the next few minutes, I tell her the whole story, laying out every detail of our evening and nearly every word Aaron and I exchanged. She knows without me saying that this all comes back to Josh. He's the shadow that falls over every decision I make. Unlike Emmalee, Chloe was friends with Josh and knew us when we were dating. She understands that a bond like ours isn't easily forgotten.

"Chlo, did I make the wrong choice?" I ask her once my tale's been spun.

There's crackling silence on the other end of the line. "I don't know. I mean, you did love Aaron at least as a person, but at the same time, can anyone compare to what you felt for Josh?"

"Then how am I ever supposed to move on?" I whisper. "Do you think I even can?"

I thought I had moved on, but now I'm relapsing like Josh is an illness I can't bleed out of my veins. I thought Aaron was my ticket to freedom, but instead he's been pulled into the pain with me in this neverending cycle of hurt. This isn't even Josh's fault any more. It's mine. It's my fault for loving him too deeply. It's my fault for letting his absence dictate my happiness.

"Maybe you need to start over, somewhere away from home," she answers. "Getting out of New York was good for me. I needed the restart. You've been living back in your hometown for four years and dating Aaron for two, and maybe you need a change. Just think about it."

Chloe has always been a vagrant, moving from place to place, but this time she may actually have a point. This place, home, is tied to Josh and to Aaron and to my family and to Emmalee and to Gramps. It's tied to all of the conflict and tragedy in my life. Every inch of this town is drenched in memory, and maybe I need to escape it for a while.

"Maybe you're right," I say after a long pause. "Thanks, Chlo."

~~~~~

"Rachel Evans, what did you do?" Mom growls when I tell her, Dad, and Tommy about Aaron and me.

Her eyes narrow into slits as she glares at me as if I've somehow done her wrong. I sigh and rake a hand over my face. That's all I need right now: more guilt.

"Mom, I'm adult. I made a decision, and I--"

"Yes, you made a terrible decision," she rages. "Aaron was the best thing that ever happened to you. He put up with your moodiness and the pining over that boy from college and your busy job and everything. Do you really think you'll find someone like that again?"

I stand up from the overstuffed chair I've been sitting in. "Mom, I know Aaron was amazing. I care about him, a lot, but I made a decision. Just, please, don't make me feel worse about it."

Dad tries to placate Mom with a hand on her arm, but his soft fawn eyes turn to me. "Rachel, I respect your decision, but are you sure you and Aaron can't talk it through? You don't have to get married. You could go to Massachusetts and see if you could work things out--"
I stare at him. "Dad? Seriously? You too?"

His thick eyebrows furrow. "I'm just worried about you, Rachel. I thought he made you happy. At least, the happiest I've seen you since..."

Suddenly, I feel like I'm suffocating. All I can remember is Aaron sitting on this very chair with me on the floor in front of him, him rubbing my shoulders while we played Scrabble on the floor. The memories flood through me, and I can't take it any longer.

"I...I need to get some air," I say in a hoarse voice, grabbing my phone and keys and making a dash for the door.

"Drama queen!" Tommy calls after me with a laugh.

I think I'm going to be sick. I make it to the curb before I crumple into a sitting position, my head between my knees. Both Mom and Dad think I made a mistake, and I've always trusted their opinions, but I know I made the right choice. I also know that I have to get out of here. I can't stay in this town with these memories any more.

The phone rings and I answer it without checking who it is. "Hello?"

"Rach, it's Chloe."

"Hey."

"Um, so, you know what we were talking about yesterday? Like about moving and starting over?"

"Yeah," I answer right away. "I was actually just thinking about that."

"Well, I just moved to Columbus, right, and I'm working at this newspaper as a News Editor. I talked to my boss about job openings and he said there's a position available for a Senior Reporter here at the Post. We've lost a few people who moved to the coast, so we need new writers. I showed him some of your work, and he said that if I vouch for you, you're in. You could live with me and start next month. What do you think? Do you...do you want the job?"  

~~~~~

So did Rachel make the right decision to break up with Aaron? Should she take the job with Chloe? Let me know what you think in the comments, and thanks for reading!