She was underwater, her lungs filling up with nonexistent liquid, pushing out the air that kept her heart beating. She was drowning, suspended in silence and darkness with no sense of time or direction. Her body responded on instinct, though her mind was trapped in a cage fabricated in the wake of the news. The truth came down upon her like a knife, slicing through the reality she'd taken for granted in one swift movement. She was faintly aware of her legs pushing her from the stiff chair and carrying her through the French doors. Dean Fogg called after her, but she hadn't heard. She was overwhelmed by the sensation of her heart clenching so tightly she believed it would pop, and she'd be consumed by inevitable darkness.

The unforgiving surface of the heavy wooden doors alerted her moments before she was thrown into the chilly fall air. Her nails clawed at the delicate skin of her throat in a futile attempt to draw air back into her lungs. A hoarse strangled gasp escaped her as she finally managed to swallow a mouthful of oxygen. She put out a hand to keep herself upright as her knees buckled beneath her. A voice sounded through the roar of blood in her ears.

"Lilly? Lilly!" The light touch on her back made her look up, Quentin's concerned face took form. Her chest constricted, breathing sporadic. She was spiraling out of control, and she wasn't strong enough to stop it, "what's wrong? Talk to me!" Quentin gripped her shoulders, pulling her towards him. "Look at me, you're having a panic attack, just focus on me," Lilly tried to keep her attention on his face, voice, anything. He instructed her to control her breathing, and she fought the fist-clenching around her chest. The pain lessened, though only slightly.

"I lead him right to her," Lilly choked out, "this is all my fault," Quentin cupped her cheeks, forcing her to look at him.

"What are you talking about? What's your fault?"

"The Beast, he killed her!" She cried, wrapping her arms around her waist, trying to hold herself together.

"Who? Who did he kill?" Quentin searched her face wildly for the answer. His own panic was rising in the silence.

"My mom! He--he murdered her. My mom's dead!" She shrieked, all the anguish and grief expressed in her cry. The verbal confirmation shattered any sanity she had left, making way for a new wave of wracking sobs. She collapsed into her best friend's arms as he attempted to console her. She was scarcely cognitive enough to remember Quentin helping her across campus and back to her room. The next thing she knew, he'd wrapped a warm blanket around her shoulders and held her as she fragmented.

It was hours until she'd calmed down enough to drink the tea Quentin had brought her. She held the mug gratefully, taking comfort in its warmth as Quentin pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulders. She still shuddered and had been staring at the wall for over an hour in taciturnity. Quentin didn't push, he just stroked her hair, and whispered comforting words. She didn't have the heart to tell him it wasn't working.

"Why don't you try to get some sleep? You're already recovering from last night, and now this. You need to rest," Quentin whispered. She nodded insensibly, having no energy or will left to argue with him. She lay back against the flawlessly made bed, not even bothering to get under the covers. Quentin draped a second blanket over her before laying beside her. Lilly curled into his side, and he wrapped his arm around her. Silent tears leaked from her eyes, staining his shirt. He didn't complain. He knew how it felt to lose a parent, even if his father wasn't gone yet. Lilly had been there for him then, and he intended to be there for her now. She tried to shut out her thoughts of The Beast and her mother as she drifted in and out of restless slumber. Each time she awoke to Quentin's unwavering presence, until she sank fully into the nightmares that awaited her.

➺➺➺➺

Lilly's eyes opened groggily to a dim and empty bedroom. She stroked the space beside her to find Quentin missing. Her head pounded as she pushed herself up on her elbows and flicked on her bedside lamp. She spotted a large glass of water and a bottle of painkillers. Popping two of the tablets, she downed the entire glass in one go. She was dehydrated from both the hangover and the ceaseless tears. One thought of her mother and another round surfaced. Lighter than before, but the hollowness may have been worse. A gentle knock sounded. She assumed it was Quentin, however, he would have let himself in.

"Who is it?" Her voice was hoarse and hollow. She cringed at the sound, hoping whoever it was hadn't noticed.

"It's Penny."

"Go away," she groaned, not in the mood to speak with anyone. She especially didn't want anyone to see her in this state.

"Quentin sent me, please let me in," she didn't respond. After a moment of silence, she listened intently for his retreating footsteps. The sound never came. "Quentin has something that he thinks might help, but we need to go out to get there."

"Why didn't he come himself?"

"Because he's in the middle of something. Please, open the door," Lilly heard the knob rattle, and to her satisfaction, it was locked.

"Just leave, I want to be alone right now," she heard Penny's irritated sigh from the other side.

"I didn't want to have to do this, but-" Lilly jumped as Penny suddenly appeared in the middle of the room, having traveled past the door. His eyes found her on the bed and gave her a sympathetic look. He received a pillow to the face in response. Lilly glared at his blatant disregard for her personal space.

"I told you to leave me alone!" She shouted.

"Yeah, you did. Since when do I listen?" He shrugged, "come on, let's get you cleaned up."

"I'm fine," she grumbled.

"No, you look like a drowned raccoon, and I know my Lilly would never be caught dead looking like this. So, go take a shower, then we're going out," she didn't bother arguing, she knew he was right.

"It seems our roles have reversed. Now you're the one nagging me all the time," she chuckled humorlessly, fresh tears pricking at her eyes. He smiled lightly and pulled her from the bed into his arms. He led her into the bathroom where he started the shower and made sure everything was in order, before shutting the door on his way out.

The steam from the shower had fogged up the mirror, and she had to wipe it away with the sleeve of her shirt to assess her condition. Her deep brown eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot. Mascara had rubbed off her lashes, resulting in dark raccoon eyes as Penny had described. Her hair was a tangled mess, and she was sure she smelled like an alcoholic from the bottle of vodka she chugged the night before. Reaching into the top drawer of her vanity, she pulled out the container of makeup wipes and began to clean off the grime and salty residue. She wiped away the fresh drops of water as they fell from her eyes. Once she was satisfied, she brushed her hair through and entered the scalding shower.

Her body screamed for her to step out of the scalding water, but she welcomed the pain, as it distracted her from the agony clawing at her chest. She stood there for what felt like hours, letting the water run down her naked body as if it could wash away the truth of her reality and leave her with a clean slate.

Eyes gouged out of their sockets, nails torn from her fingers and toes, heart ripped out...

She felt like she might be sick again. Dean Fogg's words echoed in her mind on an endless loop. It had been her fault, she'd brought Penny to see her mother, and in turn, lead The Beast to his next victim. He must've seen through Penny's mind, and deemed Evelyn a worthy victim. Lilly could only hope that whatever poor mortal he possessed to do it, wouldn't remember the act. Mike had been fortunate enough to blackout, she couldn't imagine being locked inside her own mind while her body murdered someone. She shivered as her mind flashed to images of Evelyn, ripped apart. Her imagination may have been worse than what actually happened, but it was all she had. There was no body, Dean Fogg had ensured that any muggles who knew Evelyn would believe she'd died in a car accident and that Lilly had her body cremated for a private funeral service.

The truth would haunt her for the rest of her days. This was all her fault. He killed Evelyn because of her, he tortured her mother, because of her. She rested her forehead against the tile wall as her tears melded with the stream of the shower. She wasn't sure how long she stood, stuck in a silent trance, a prisoner in her own mind. The possibilities of what her mother might've felt tormented her. She was finally pulled from her catatonic state by a light knock on the door.

"Hey, you okay?" Penny.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine. I'll be out in a sec." Her tone was strained and entirely unconvincing, but he didn't question it. She promptly scrubbed her body and hair before reluctantly turning off the water. She grabbed the soft pastel blue towel from the sink, wrapping it around herself. Her reflection was foreign. Hollow, broken, nothing there to remind her of the woman she was before the news of her mother hit like a freight train. Lilly managed to pull herself away and open the door to her bedroom. Penny sat on the arm of her sofa, typing something into his phone. He looked up as she entered, a sympathetic look in his eyes.

"I grabbed some clothes out for you, they're on the bed." She nodded in thanks, unable to muster even a semblance of a smile. The clothes he had picked were simple, a pair of leggings, a tank top, and a sweater. He'd even grabbed her fresh undergarments, and she was glad she was too worn out to be bothered that he was in her underwear drawer. It was comfortable, yet presentable, precisely what she needed. She turned back to him expectantly, and he stared back blankly.

"Would you mind?" She made a twirling gesture with her finger, the other hand clutching the front of her towel.

"Oh, yeah, of course," he turned his back to her. Lilly quickly pulled on the outfit, calling out to him once she was decent again. He held out a hand, "ready?" She scrutinized his offer but made no move to take it.

"I don't-- I don't know if I can pretend right now," Penny's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "I don't know if I can pretend everything's fine. I don't want anyone to see me like this." For the first time since he'd met her, Penny saw how broken she truly was. There was no mask of perfection or smile to cover up the pain. Everything was on display.

"You don't have to pretend anymore," he whispered, so tenderly that it felt like a caress to Lilly's raw nerves, "I see you and I'm not leaving." He took a step forward, determined to get through to her. Penny lifted his hand to cup her cheek, and she instinctively leaned into the touch, closing her eyes. A few tears escaped as she did. He slowly guided her into the safety of his arms, and she held herself against his chest, burying her face in his neck. She breathed in the scent of him, trying to keep the pain bottled up. But there was no need anymore. He was there, and as long as he held her, she would be alright. "Trust me, you want to see what Quentin's done. You don't have to keep it together in front of him either, you know that. It's late, barely anyone's out right now, come on," She pulled back dubiously, nodding. He tugged her towards the door, placing his arm around her as though he could protect her from the outside world.

"Where exactly are you taking me?" She whined, growing increasingly frustrated with the trek he'd dragged her on. They'd been walking for ten minutes at least, and she was at a loss as to what the purpose of this was. They weren't headed towards any of their usual haunts, and he evidently hadn't deemed it appropriate to read her in. The activity was wearing on her, and she wished she could return to her bed, rather than be led around like cattle. He squeezed her shoulders with the arm draped across them, a silent encouragement and promise that it would all be worth it. She huffed, glancing with mild curiosity ahead as he suddenly led them off the paved path and out towards the tree line. He walked ahead, pulling aside any branches so she could walk through unscathed.

It was a few moments of fumbling around in the dark before she caught sight of the faint glow in the distance. She held tight to Penny's hand as he helped her over the countless roots and fallen branches. Through the foliage was a small clearing, lit by floating lanterns spelled to stay close to the ground. A grand, overgrown fountain sat in the middle of the clearing. It had been forgotten with time, however, the water still flowed crystal clear down the multiple stone tiers, most likely due to magic as well. Numerous flickering candles covered the fountain's edge, casting a warm glow over the beautifully arranged pile of Lilacs encompassing a framed photo of her mother.

Lilly's hand flew to her mouth in an attempt to stifle the gasp. She looked around at the faces of her friends, all seven of them had gathered around the fountain and the memorial setup. Even Ava had come and sent Lilly a sympathetic smile. Lilly's heart swelled with the love that had been expressed with this gesture. The tears returned to her eyes for the thousandth time that night and it was a wonder she had any left to shed.

"You did this?" She choked out, taking one hesitant step forward.

"Of course," Quentin shrugged as if it was no big deal.

"It was all Quentin's idea, but we helped out a bit," Alex explained, and Lilly's eyes softened as she observed Quentin, who shifted nervously between his feet. He was never comfortable being the center of attention. He stumbled back a step as Lilly flung her arms around him, squeezing tightly. It took him a moment to regain his composure, but he reciprocated the gesture with equal enthusiasm.

"Thank you," she whispered to him, "thank you all," she said, this time emphatically, looking each of them in the eye. She slowly turned to look at the photo of her mother. She was younger, much younger, "where did you get this photo?" She sniffed.

"Dean Fogg had it, it was her yearbook photo. This fountain was her favorite spot when she went here. We figured it would be a good place to hold this," Margo explained softly, placing a comforting hand on her friends back. Lilly shyly approached the makeshift dais and knelt before the photo of her mother. The others gathered in a semicircle around the memorial.

"I figured we could each say a few words, even though not many of us met her, we know you. If she raised you, she must've been a pretty amazing woman." Quentin's voice was miraculously steady. Lilly's heart clenched at the word 'been'- past tense- her mother was just a memory now, a ghost of the past. Eliot cleared his throat somewhere to her right.

"I don't know what kind of person she was, but according to Dean Fogg, she threw one hell of a party, so she's good in my book." Lilly choked out a laugh, and the others had varying reactions of amusement and disapproval. Margo, Dani, and Quentin's comments were along the same lines as Eliot's. All relating to what they'd heard about Evelyn or what they knew of Lilly's personality and skills.

"We didn't get to talk much," Ava said, much to everyone's surprise, "though, the story she told us about The Beast and the way she handled the situation with Penny, tells me she was brave. She was a strong woman and persevered despite her past. I respect that. It's horrible that she's gone," Lilly managed the slightest upturn of her lips, and Ava nodded in understanding.

"I knew her for a matter of hours, but in that time, it was clear that your mom was a woman of many colors. She was brave, compassionate, fiercely protective, and smarter than most Magicians. Having only completed three years at Brakebills, that's pretty damn impressive. We'll make The Beast pay for what he did," Alex's last words were a promise, one that every Magician in attendance made.

"She saved my life," Penny stepped towards the altar, "all because her daughter asked her to, that in and of itself was a miracle. If my parents had been that way, I'd be a much different person today. Evelyn's the reason I'm standing here. I'm just sorry I wasn't able to return the favor." Lilly looked over her shoulder to see Penny with true despair, regret, and guilt in his eyes. The others stood in silence, waiting for her to pick up the torch. She turned back to gaze upon her mother's smiling face, taking a shuddering breath in an attempt to prepare herself.

"Mom, I don't know where you are or if you can hear me, but if I can, I love you. I'm sorry I wasn't more grateful for what I had. I took everything I had for granted, and now that it's gone." She gasped as the lump in her throat grew, "I don't know what I'm going to do without you, mum." Lilly's fingers grazed the glass of the framed photo as if she could feel her mother's presence through it. "Do you remember when we would watch The Wizard of Oz together? We used to dance around the room and pretend we were the characters. I always had to be Dorothy, and you were the witch. That's one of my favorite memories. That's the stuff I'll remember, not the fight's or the moments you missed, but the times you were there for me. I just want you to know that you're not the villain of my story." Tears rolled down her cheeks as she spoke, the others watched helplessly. Lilly's voice met their ears, a soft, haunting melody.

"Somewhere over the rainbow,

Way up high

And the dreams that you dreamed of once in a lullaby

Someday I wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

High above the chimney tops

That's where you'll find me."

Her voice cracked as the grief surged inside her. She tried to go on, but her voice wouldn't come. Silence returned to the clearing, the only sound being the wind through the fiery fall leaves and her quiet sobs. A hand squeezed her shoulder, and Lilly blindly reached up to grasp it. The contact seemed to be the only thing keeping her from crumbling into a million pieces.

"Somewhere over the rainbow

Bluebirds fly

And the dreams that you dare to

Why then oh why can't I"

Lilly looked up in surprise to hear a new voice pick up where she left off. The last person she ever expected to see was Ava. The women shared a moment then, one of mutual respect and understanding. It was something neither had ever expected to find, but they saw a kinship in one another. Lilly squeezed the hand on her shoulder in silent appreciation. She turned to gaze upon her mother once more, reaching out to touch the photo in a final farewell.

"Goodbye, Mum," Lilly pushed herself from the leaf-covered ground and faced her friends once more. Alex came up and placed a comforting arm around her. She leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his torso.

"I know this is terrible timing, but we need to practice. We don't have much time," Alice pointed out, "if you don't feel up to it--"

"No, I'm fine, let's do this." The other's appraised her warily. A mask of cool indifference had formed on her face. Before any of them could argue, she stalked off towards their practice area.

"Lilly, I don't think it's the best idea for you to be-"

"The Beast murdered my mother, this is the best idea if I want to make sure we kill him. Wasting any more time crying about it isn't going to help us," her tone was cold and final. She had allowed herself those moments to grieve, now it was time to make sure The Beast got what he deserved. The others hurried after her, trying their best to keep up with her determined pace. The change in demeanor was startling to the others, but Lilly had no energy left to care.

She may have been determined to stop The Beast, but she wasn't stupid. So when the others recited the Japanese incantations to suck the emotions from their body, she, Alice, Ava, Alex, and surprisingly Penny, refrained. She wished more than anything to numb the pain too, but the aftermath was much too dangerous in her current state.

"That was a definite wobble, right?" Alice asked them, staring at the bottle they'd been trying to break for the past hour. Lilly shook her head, having seen nothing at all. They glanced over to the others, watching begrudgingly as they effortlessly dispatched bottle after bottle. Alice looked down at the empty emotion bottle apprehensively. Quentin brought it for her in case she changed her mind. She'd been unsuccessful in convincing him to abandon the crutch.

"Come on," Penny nudged Alice in the side, "we can do this, you don't need it." Lilly nodded, though she had her doubts. She stepped forward, trying her hand at one of the spells. She shoved down the pain and grief at the loss of her mother and performed the hand movements perfectly. The bottle didn't move an inch. Her irritation resurfaced despite her best efforts.

Two and a half hours later they were no closer to success. The others met their time limit and were forced to empty their bottles. The five who'd abstained watched as the crippling weight of their emotions was bestowed upon them once more.

"Thank god we don't have to do that again," Lilly mused aloud, and the others nodded, watching the predicament unfold.

"Did we really look that pathetic?" Ava asked with a look of disgust at the other's sniveling forms. Penny shook his head in amusement before turning back to the matter at hand. Lilly tried again, and again, and again. "I'm never going to get it. The Beast is going to kill us all if I can't get this right!" She cried, resting her face in the palms of her hand. Lilly crouched in the dirt, the pain of the day catching up to her all at once. Penny knelt beside her and placed a comforting hand on her back.

"You need to rest," he whispered.

"I can't rest, I have to get this right!" She shouted, "how am I supposed to stop him if I can't even use battle magic?"

"You aren't going to stop him if you work yourself to death before you even meet him," Penny pointed out, "go get some rest, we'll try again tomorrow." Lilly ran a restless hand through her hair. She knew he was right, yet again. She let him help her to her feet, sending the others a halfhearted goodnight before making her way back to the cottage. Quentin, Margo, and Elliot were gathered around the fire, nursing their emotion bottle hangovers when she entered. None bothered to look up.

"Q?" Lilly called out, "is it okay with you if I stay in your room tonight? I don't think I can walk home right now."

"Yeah, sure," he waved her off casually. Lilly dragged herself up the stairs and into his room. The bed was made, and it looked as if it hadn't been occupied in quite some time. She supposed it hadn't, given that he'd been spending the night with Alice the past few weeks. She pulled an old t-shirt from his dresser drawer, throwing it on with nothing but her underwear underneath. It looked more like a nightgown on her. Lilly curled up beneath the blankets, allowing the sweet release of sleep to take her over.

I figured it was about time Lilly got some love in return for helping everyone with their shit throughout the book. My poor baby lost her mama! This was a bit depressing and it only goes downhill from here. Only five chapters left! Buckle up kids cause shits gonna hit the fan...again. Sorry not sorry!