Too mesmerized by the tale, no one noticed the last woman come in and sit outside the group. She wore an oversized hoodie which covered much of her face. When she hugged her knees, which were hidden under the big hoodie, it was the gesture of a delicate snail retreating from a too-rough world.

At The Projectionists insistence, she stood and pulled back her hood, revealing a mass of windblown red hair.

"I'm no story teller. I'm here because I've lost my roommate." Her voice was low and the others leaned in to hear. "My best friend is a journalist who went missing right before the end... Since communication is so hard now, I go from place to place, looking for her. She never left a note or a new address."

Maaja raked a hand through her hair. "She wrote an online advice column. The last words I have from her were in that column." She stopped and bowed her head for a moment before she went on.

"She loved to advise others about love but could never find a guy herself. Then suddenly she meets someone and never speaks to me again. Am I missing something?"

ADVICE TO THE LOVE TORN

by Maaja Wentz

Dear Ms. Fay,

I address myself to you because of your great renown in questions of courtship. Witness the hundreds of grateful testimonies written by warm bloods who found in your wisdom a solution to their Romantic problems. Perhaps you can advise me in a delicate matter.

I dance like a gentleman, possess excellent hair, and have been told by many ladies that my smouldering eyes have a certain animal magnetism. Although not averse to entertaining matrons, I am inevitably drawn to sweet young things. Alas, once I get them alone, I experience unspeakable urges.

The pinnacle of my suffering is inspired by a wan, raven-haired beauty from the State of Washington. Let us call her Ella. Of late, I feel compelled to stand in her bedroom and watch her sleep, but it's not enough. Her body glows in the moonlight and when she wakes, she looks up at me with eyes like limpid pools... What is to be done?

Sincerely,

Blood Aristocrat

Dear Aristocrat,

Beware turning into a dirty old man. The female in question is a child. Even if she were seventeen or eighteen, you should think long-term. Lust is fleeting but real relationships happen when you share common ground with the object of your affection. A much younger companion won't share the memories and culture you could find on dates with your contemporaries. Stop obsessing over a girl and seek out a woman who can fulfil your emotional and physical needs. Seek treatment if you can't break this obsession with juveniles, before you wind up in jail.

Sincerely,

Ms. Fay

Dear Ms. Fay,

I have an ethical dilemma. I'm a hard-working nurse in a busy hospital. On weekends, I enjoy a girls' night out but find most men superficial and sexist. I'd almost given up dating when I met the perfect man. He's sweet and funny, and works as a school principal. A handsome man with prospects like that won't stay single long. Mr. Wonderful asked me out on a couple of dates and we've had fun but I have a big problem.

Once a month I'm just not myself. To describe my behaviour as erratic and uncontrolled would be an understatement. Normally, the only thing to do is cage myself up and not see anyone until I transform back into my usual self. So far, I've been able to put him off during my monthly madness, but now Mr. Wonderful wants to go on a March Break cruise. I'd love to but his school holiday falls during my difficult time. If I put him off, I'm afraid he'll give up and find another girl. If I go, we'll be locked up inside the same ship's cabin when I'm baying at the moon. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Harriet Scary

Dear Harriet,

The basis of a true relationship is honesty. A grownup won't expect you to pretend nothing is wrong when your body is driving you crazy. You will just end up sabotaging the relationship by protecting him from ugly reality. Women aren't fairy princesses and men aren't little boys. Your prospective mate deserves to know it if you go crazy once a month. If he's the right man for you, he will stand by you with a box of tissues and a bottle of Advil. You didn't ask to be tortured by your lunar cycles. A true lover shouldn't hold that against you.

Sincerely,

Ms. Fay

Dear Ms. Fay,

Your advice is sage but well nigh impossible to follow! Ladies today, even the mature, simply lack conversation. I tried to chat with a pretty brunette who claimed to be over thirty, but she insisted on taking what she called "selfies." Too late I realized she meant to capture my photographic image. Disaster! It made me yearn for the simple courtships of yore.

Next, I tried a blonde with striking features. I sat and listened for hours, anticipating the meaningful exchange you promised, but she spoke of nothing but the minutiae of her so-called "fitness routine."

You were right. It's the Old Ones who have something to say. I don't know why I failed to see it before. From this point hence, I shall court ladies of Baroque vintage. I just need letters of introduction and invitations to the right balls and parties. La Belle Monde has greatly changed since I gazed upon my first debutante.

Sincerely,

Blood Aristocrat

Dear Aristocrat,

I applaud you for adapting to modern dating. Rather than introductions and private balls, you could consider posting a profile on a dating site. If you look at my website, there are a series of recommended links. Just click on one and post a profile. Ladies will be able to read all about you and contact you if they are interested. It couldn't be simpler.

Best wishes with your search for a compatible mate.

Sincerely,

Ms. Fay

Dear Ms. Fay,

People are always on the lookout for me. I'm not welcome and must remain in hiding but that doesn't stop people from gossiping. One whispers that I've been spotted at the window at midnight. Another claims to have seen me standing at the side of the road. What nonsense! I'm a homebody, attached to the attic of this old house. Since I hide my old bones here and nowhere else, you might call it my favorite haunt.

My problems began when a young mother moved in. Her children don't know I'm here, but I met the mother when she came into the attic one night. She looked straight through me, but with such sad and tender longing, I was sure she sensed me and felt my attraction.

Since she noticed me that night, I have watched her pine for the spouse who left her. We're the same now, alone in the world. I without a living relative, and she without a man who cares. I couldn't help myself. I followed her into the bedroom and cuddled up to her one night. She shivered at my touch but then she rolled over to face me and smiled.

It's wrong. I should avoid this unhallowed affair which could lead to my discovery but it can no longer be denied. She loves me and I love her, despite the dreadful secrets in the attic.

Last night I gave in to her urging and agreed to take our relationship to a new, physical level. The problem is I don't know how. If I touch her, it makes her feel cold. I am physically unable to satisfy her, and fear she will tire of chilly embraces. The usual kind of lovemaking is impossible for me but I ardently wish to make her happy. What do you advise this transparently pathetic, would-be lover?

Sincerely,

The Spirit is Willing

Dear Willing,

Don't be ashamed of your condition. Many men in your situation find a cure at their doctor's office, but even if the little blue pills don't work for you, there are other solutions. Have you considered alternate means? If you love each other, sharing pleasure matters more than your ego or virility. If the flesh fails, consider investing in bedroom toys.

Have fun,

Ms. Fay

Dear Ms. Fay,

You are ingenious! At your advice, I perused dating sites looking for prey when I encountered a profile image that resembled the one on your blog. What discerning taste and culture you express through your choice of pastimes! I hope you will forgive me the presumption of contacting you here rather than on that uncouth dating site. I didn't want to get lost among the electronic lotharios. Please, meet me at midnight tonight. Say yes and I will come to you, wherever you may be.

Sincerely,

Blood Aristocrat

Dear Aristocrat,

What you suggest is quite unorthodox. I never meet up with those who seek my advice but your online profile is intriguing. You own so many properties and speak so many languages... How accomplished you are!

That said, some details are off-putting. Let's meet at my fav coffee shop at 8 o'clock and go over it together. I can instantly improve your profile, starting with your age. While it's a joke that people lie about their age on dating profiles, not everyone will share your sense of humour. 300 years is outlandish and could put women off. Also, it's a bit much to offer eternal love. Is it a typo that your idea of romantic atmosphere is dusk in a cemetery?

I'll bring my laptop so we can fix things on the spot. I can hardly wait to dig down to your true self and show you off in the best light.

In anticipation,

Ms. Fay

***

Dear faithful readers,

It is with a certain measure of regret that I must cease correspondence with you. Nevertheless, I am delighted to share the news of my upcoming honeymoon in Transylvania.

With sincerest apologies,

Ms. Fay