The roof of my room swirled as I lay looking up at it. The patterns and trim melding into my thoughts in an aggressive dance within my head. The wood and stone clashed against me, distracting me from my thoughts. The rage I had felt at dinner last night hadn't left, it just sat in the cold pit of my stomach churning and trying to devour me. That was my plan they just gave away, something I had fought for and took time to create. It wasn't the first time either, I had been joining the war meetings since I had been knighted, suggesting things since before I was a General. They never saw fit to reward my efforts with real experience though, treating me like the king's glass doll. Something to be protected.
The battle I had won my second title was not even supposed to have taken place. I begged my father for months to let me do something and he sent me to train troops. I remember arriving that day, snow crunching under my soles. We didn't realize that the Northmen had managed to find a path through the mountains yet, it was also a play to protect me. I had been sent to give motivation to the troops in training and to help with some of it, to learn values and important skills of being a leader among the lines of the troops as my father would say. My feet and an officer who was familiar with the layout of the encampment had led me to the tent of the General in charge, his name was Tarn, General Tarn. General Tarn had been my father's closest friend during his conquest of taking the kingdom, their battles legendary among not only soldiers but citizens as well. He was a role model and besides the king he was the most powerful person in the nation, he had become a lord after the battles and helped to create the Kings Council. Unfortunately the legend was also dead, this General Tarn was his eldest son Jared Tarn. He had been given the titles out of honor more than skill and sent to the encampment, much like me, to be protected. Something my father seemed to have a knack for.
I remember finding him standing in the tent talking to an older grisly man, an advisor sent to aid the young General. The General looked to be a few years older than myself, wavy brown hair fell past his ears and stubble lined his strong jaw. He was not particularly bad looking.
As soon as I caught his eyes my arm had rose, my fist touching my chest where my heart would be, as I bowed in tradition to the General. "General Tarn, Knight Nasryn reporting for duty." Usually a knight would give their lastname, however, I had none. The day I had been found the King had tried to give me his but the Queen had held him back and stated that I was family-less and therefore a family name did not belong to me. Or at least that was what I was told when I asked about it years later.
He had scoffed and turned back to his advisor. "I understand it is orders from the king but does he really have to insult me by sending more inexperienced leadership? And a girl at that?!" I held my bow and my ears didn't understand what I was hearing at the time, it was the first time I had heard anyone put my father, the King, down. Putting me down on the other hand I had experienced before.
The advisor had shushed him quickly though. "One must not speak of royalty in a bad manner young Lord." His voice had creaked like the branches of an old tree about to die.
Slowly I released my bow, my clenched fist falling to my side. "My lord, I promise not to be a hindrance, just tell me what to do and I will do it." His eyes had raised to meet mine as he scowled at me. I had dealt with people not liking me all my life, the woman who could have been my mother, adopted but still a mother nonetheless, had given me experience when dealing with them. While it wasn't something I was proud of it definitely became useful when facing someone I didn't know.
His voice had been sour when he gave me orders and as soon as he had dismissed me I ran from that tent, there was no point to place myself in someone's sights more if they were going to treat me like that. It almost made me wonder if General Tarn and the Queen had been close with the similarities in their personalities.
The officer that I had first been following led me to a tent, telling me that it was where I would stay. It was small, but looking over at other tents it seemed bigger than most the singular ones. Better than I could hope for as only a Knight. A single bland cot sat on the ground and a simple wooden chest sat next to it. The officer had then led me away from the tents where I would watch the soldiers training for the rest of the day, giving tips where I saw needed. That was what I would do the next day, the day after, and so forth until I lost count of the days. The General never spoke to me, the few times I saw him he ignored me. My eyes took in him giving orders and my head noted down what he said, saving it for a time I might need it.
It was what felt like months there, doing the same thing, before I found myself walking behind the tent I had met the General in. Voices whispered and for a moment my heart caught in my throat when I heard a creaky voice mention Natetia, the Northern kingdom. I had leaned closer to the tent expecting to hear about some battle far away but what I had heard next would shock me to my very core.
"...they come at midnight, I have placed our people on the eastern outskirt so they can slip by." A voice I didn't recognize responded shortly and then footsteps thudded and faded from my range of hearing. My breathing had stopped and I forced myself to continue walking and took a shallow breath, as my thoughts had been racing in my head. They were letting Natetia forces through our lines, the mountains had been conquered.
I kept walking through the camp that night until I had a plan. It was risky but I hadn't heard the General in that tent, I would confide in him what I had heard. I truly chanced death that night for the the first time.

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I had found the General at a campfire with his troops and pulled him aside. Luckily I was not met with a blade in my side and even though his face turned grim he gathered a group of men that followed up to the eastern outskirts. We laid in wait in the shadows, watching to see if my information had been true. The General sat next to me, both of us on our haunches. "Knight you better be right and not be wasting me time." He growled quietly and I nodded not wanting to repeat myself that I was sure of what I heard.
The eastern side outskirts were soldier tents with campfires in between them. They were where the soldiers ate, talked, and relaxed if they ever got the time for it. Tonight they had the time for it. They weren't any that I recognized from training, it was possible they were not here for training but to guard or help train themselves.
These soldiers in particular were also very talkative and we could hear them from where we sat. That night was the first night I heard someone I didn't know talk about me in a sexual manner.
My teeth clenched as I listened to their words floating through the air, they talked about my body, about what they would do to me if they ever got me alone. One even suggested following me into my tent and forcing me to undress in front of them. He talked about sticking himself inside me and how he would enjoy "forcing my pleasure". Foul words one after the other floated through the air, language a woman should never hear. It showed me a side of humanity I had never seen before.
My cheeks burned in what felt like shame and tears pricked the corners of my eyes. A hand had grasped my shoulder that night, distracting me from what was being said in front of us, and for the first time the General showed kindness to me. "If what you heard is true then those men, with what they are doing right now, have put their names on your blade, their heads belong to you." He tried to give me a reassuring smile. "And even if they aren't punished tonight I swear they will be."
My eyes blinked trying to hold back tears that I wasn't use to but one escaped and I used my hand to wipe it. "Thank you my Lord."
He nodded and turned back to watching the scene.
We sat there for what felt like hours before a dark shape slipped among the men. A hooded figure pulled back his cloak and an even more non-familar face came into view. Weapons could be seen under the cloak, the sharp hilt of what looked to be a sword poked through. The man passed what looked to be a piece of paper to one of our troops and then slowly more cloaked figures stepped into the light of the campfire, pulling off their hoods. Suddenly the General stood up and raised his sword and his voice broke through the night.
"To arms! The enemy is in the camp!" Yells rang out and all at once bodies raced towards the figures at the campfire. More cloaked figures came out of the shadows with swords drawn and I watched frozen as they collided with each other, metal clinged and the pounding footsteps of our troops and theirs matched the pounding of my own heart. Slowly, as if time had paused, I looked down at the daggers I had placed in sheaths on my belt and my hands which didn't feel like my own pulled them up, the blades glinting in the firelight. My legs shook as I pushed myself up and then there was a figure pushing through our lines and racing at me, a broadsword raised with a warcry on the man's lips and a glint of what looked to be fear in his eyes. Bushy blond hair covered his upper lip and as he made his way close I realized this was the man who had mentioned wanting to rape me in my tent. When he was steps from me I lifted my daggers and before he could swing at me I twirled, adjusting my body to be in close range of him yet not far enough from him that his sword could pierce me. My left hand plunged upwards under his armour and ribcage and into his heart while my right hand plunged downward reaching around from the back into his neck. He dropped dead within seconds, blood pooling around him, and that was the first time I killed.
Several more bodies met my blades that night, eventually I sheathed my daggers and pulled out my sword. It was a light sword that had been made and balanced for me when my father knighted me. It held no name of its own but later on it would be known as the blade of the Traitor Killer, as that would be what they called me after the battle. Nasryn the Un-named, Adopted Daughter and Knight of King Xris, Traitor Killer of the Battle of the Cloaked, that's who I became that night and later Knight would be replaced with General. My sword dripping and flinging the blood of my enemies into the air as I danced between their bodies. Eventually I found myself fighting beside the General. His own sword covered in the red liquid, pooling down and drowning his hands in it. Yet he never let go of the sword to wipe them he just let the blood continue to pool.
"General there's too many!" A voice cried out and at that point I suddenly realized we were surrounded, when had they had a chance to get around us! More and more bodies added to the mix and my sword helped to defend not only me but the others as well. My body moved on its own, slicing the neck of a cloaked figures about to impale one of our own on a spear, my hand grabbing the back of one standing over the dead body of one of ours and shoving my sword through his stomach before flinging him to the ground, using the metal to block against someone bearing down on me with a war axe before leaving him clutching at a wound that would likely kill him. If the waiting had felt like hours then this was days. The ground which was already stained red turned black and grew slippery, I had to watch my feet.
And at daybreak it was over, their bodies were being pulled to burn piles while our dead were being loaded into carts to be sent home. We had won yet part of me felt like I was missing, part of me no longer felt human.

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In the days to come it was quiet, there were no smiles, we had lost too many young soldiers to this battle. A battle none of us were spose to see for at least another half of a decade. My father might be fierce but he wasn't stupid, he wouldn't waste the lives of untrained soldiers without reason. I received word that I was to leave with several others by the end of the week to return to the castle, the King had said it was to report on what I witnessed but I knew it was just his worry over me. Before I left General Tarn had locked up the advisor and questioned him about the location of the path the Northmen had used and the troops had been busy building a wooden wall. It wouldn't last forever but I could help protect us while we waited for orders from the capital, orders that would be based on what I reported. I found myself at the Generals tent more often then, and he was more friendly then he had been my first few weeks at the encampment.
He pulled me aside the first day after the battle and I can still remember his words.
"Nasryn, thank you, if it wasn't for you we wouldnt have known and their troops would have continued sneaking through our lines to wreck havoc." He had held his hand out for me to shake and I grasped it firmly with a smile up at him.
"My pleasure General Tarn." I then dropped my hand from his.
He reached up and ran a hand through his hair. "Please, call me Jared."
"Then you can call me Ryn." At that point I had made my first and only friend among the Generals.