Cody

I didn't feel like swimming today. 

Sure, I groaned and moaned about the heavy trainings along with the others a lot. Sometimes we took our sweet time getting into the water, making coach Carta's face go red and the vein on his forehead pop. There was always a love-hate relationship going on between me and the pool. But I can't remember the last time I honestly didn't at all feel like swimming. 

My body just felt heavy. I didn't want to do anything except be alone and lie in bed, but I'd showed up at the pool's canteen thirty minutes before the training anyway. Hung out with whoever was also there at our usual table. Nobody seemed to notice I was quiet though, not even Dylan or Benjamin. They were listening to Britt. 

"I think I'm going to cut it all off and go for sassy short." Britt held a strand of her blonde hair between her fingers and frowned at it.

Benjamin looked horrified at the idea. "Your hair is so much better long!" 

"But Benny, just look at those split ends! Gosh the pool water just kills your tresses," Dylan gasped, obviously making fun of Britt, who glared at him. 

"Nah, short would look great on you Britt," Tessa, one of the younger girls with short hair, said. "I remember when mine started to literally break off. No matter how much hair product slathered on it." 

I touched my own hair. I didn't do anything but wash it, and had even caught a hint of a green colour in it sometimes. Did Mason think my hair had too many split ends? Should I start wearing a cap in the pool more often? Compared to Zoey's glossy curls, my greenish blond mophead wasn't a pretty sight. But even the best looking hair in the world wouldn't make me a girl like Zoey. If I had to blame anything, I had my gender to blame more than my hair for him not liking me.

Coach Carta was right: I would've been better off never getting 'hormonal' like the other boys and girls on our swimming team. Two days ago I didn't know what that felt like and I already didn't like it anymore. The self-consciousness and the sudden worrying if Mace didn't like me because of my stupid hair or other stupid shallow reasons sucked. Not being liked back sucked. Being 'hormonal' sucked.

At least things seemed to be working out for Mace. I don't think he saw through my smile, nor noticed that I hadn't wanted to talk about math. I didn't want to bum him out while he was happy. He was my best friend. Dumping my feelings and doubts on him after seeing that kiss with Zoey was even more selfish than secretly wishing his relationship with her wouldn't work out. 

That, and I'd chickened out. Big time. My tongue had somehow gotten stuck in my mouth when Mason looked at me, and I realised I'd only get painfully rejected. What was the point telling him, if in the best case Mason's dimpled smile would fade, followed by him awkwardly scratching his head and carefully trying to explain he wasn't gay and could only be my friend. 

Then there was the swimming regionals I knew I was supposed to worry about. It was all coach Carta had been talking about for the past few weeks. It's all I'd been working on too, and I would disappoint him and the scouts if I performed badly. But mostly, I'd disappoint myself.

I saw Coach Carta chatting with the parents of a younger, promising swimmer one table away from ours, completely unaware of what was going through my mind. Then he looked at me. 

"O'Neill, son, come over here." 

Coach Carta gestured me to come over, and I did. 

"This is Cody," Coach Carta patted me on the shoulder as he introduced me to a middle-aged couple. "He's one of the swimmers in the scholarship program. I'm sure he can share his experiences. Give you a better idea if it's also good for your daughter Tessa." 

I know exactly what coach Carta wanted of me. He wanted me to give the parents an enthusiastic, amazing story, explain to them how much Tessa would benefit, and encourage them to also have her join. 

I glanced from Tessa's parents to coach Carta. "I'll uh, share my experiences another time, sorry. The training's about to start too right?" 

Coach Carta's forehead wrinkled as he checked his watch. "You're right son, after then." 

He turned to the rest of the group and clapped his hands. "Alright kids, off your asses and to the locker room. Get moving, training starts in ten!" 

Some quickly stood and left while others, like my friends Britt, Dylan and Benjamin, slowly started chucking stuff in their bag. 

I did neither. Instead, I stood next to coach Carta. "Coach?...I'm not feeling so well." 

Coach Carta roared with laughed as if I'd just told him a hilarious joke. He gave my shoulder a firm pat. "You're a funny one O'Neill. Off to the locker room you go, or I'll throw you into the water with your clothes on." 

"Okay..." I hesitated, wondering if I should protest again or keep my mouth shut, suck it up and go. It was the argument I'd been having with myself pretty much the entire day. But before I could decide, the coach suddenly tugged on my arm, pulling me aside while my friends finished packing up.

He must've noticed something in my expression, that something was really off, because he narrowed his eyes at me, giving me his infamous intent stare.  

"What's wrong O'Neill? Still in trouble?" 

I swallowed. "Well I..." Should I tell him? Maybe it was for the better. He couldn't help me for real if I didn't talk about my real problem. 

From over the coach's shoulder I saw Britt, Dylan and Benjamin looking my way. They stood at the door, but after Britt whispered something at Dylan and Benjamin, they approached me. 

"Everything alright Cody?" Britt asked. 

"He'll be right there kids," coach Carta tried to send my friends away, but I shook my head. 

"No, it's fine coach," I said. When I found myself surrounded by four curious faces, I wasn't entirely sure of my choice anymore, though. 

Britt looked worried. The coach and Benjamin frowned, and Dylan, who kept his distance, had a more impassive face. He wasn't the best with emotional stuff. 

They wouldn't be judgemental if I told them, though. Benjamin has a gay cousin, and none of them had reacted weird to him when he visited. They'd also seen me at my best and worst in the pool. We stuck together. 

"What's going on Cody?" 

Britt put her hand on my shoulder, and something in me cracked at the simple, friendly gesture. I suddenly felt sadness pour through me, and almost out of me. Blinking rapidly, I kept  the wetness out of my eyes between deep breaths. Even Dylan' brow was now creased. 

"I might've started liking someone. Someone not a girl," I admitted, looking away from the group, down at the table.  

Everyone went quiet for a few seconds, but then Dylan recovered: "What a dude? So you're gay then?" he asked loudly, earning him an elbow between the ribs from Britt as she shushed him. 

I just lifted my shoulders. If I was gay, I accepted that. I was still making sense of it myself. Not peace, but just sense. "I dunno. I guess so. It's kind of new."

"If you want to do a dude then it's pretty clear to me," Benjamin said, raising his eyebrows. 

"He could be bisexual too," Britt said, glaring at Benjamin. "And it's okay either way." 

"Sure, bi, whatever doesn't matter." Dylan rolled his eyes. "But more importantly: who is it Cody? Is it the same person you were going on about yesterday? The one that 'fitted better with someone else?' Ow!"

Britt had elbowed Dylan again. "You can't just ask him that. God, you guys are so insensitive," she hissed "Can't you tell this is a difficult topic?" She glared at Dylan and Benjamin, then looked at me. 

"Unless... Of course you know, you want to tell us who it is." Britt shrugged casually, but I could tell she was curious too from the way her head titled to the side. 

"Yeah, tell us," Benjamin agreed, "Who's the lucky guy?"

"Don't pressure the boy, kids," coach Carta, who'd been quietly listening, grumbled. He shot Britt and Benjamin a stern look.

"Mason."

Britt, Benjamin, Dylan, and the coach immediately stopped bickering among themselves. All eyes were on me again. 

"It's Mason," I repeated. 

Britt's jaw literally dropped. 

"Damn. Mason as in your best friend?" Dylan asked, staring at me in almost disbelief. 

"Yes," I replied, my stomach sinking. "But he just started going out with Zoey. I saw them kiss and everything. I can't say anything to him now, right? I don't know how to be around him, and it's difficult to focus on the regionals." I glanced up at coach Carta. "I tried doing as you said and forget it coach. But it's not working." 

"It's alright son. It'll be alright," coach Carta replied uncharacteristically quiet. 

Turns out he could be muted after all. 

He didn't look mad at least. More thoughtful, probably trying to think of a solution for me. Though, his lack of immediate reply told me he didn't know either. He couldn't help my feelings or do anything about them and he knew that too. 

"I'm sure Mason understands if you say you need some space," Britt said. "It's only five more days until the regionals. You can avoid him for five days, right?" 

"Yeah maybe I should," I muttered. Avoiding Mason is exactly what I'd been wanting to avoid, but maybe he wouldn't even miss me if he was busy with Zoey anyway. 

As if Mason could hear me think about him, my phone suddenly buzzed in my pocket. The cheerful Mario bros tune that Mason had picked for himself to be his ringtone started playing, so I knew it was him. 

My hand automatically went to my phone. "That's Mace." 

I wanted to pick up, but Britt gently pried the phone out of my hands before I could. She passed it to Benjamin. The ringtone stopped, and Benjamin started typing something.

"What are you doing?" I asked, hearing the tense undertone in my own voice. 

Benjamin looked at me. "Relax, I'm only telling Mason you can't talk right now because you're training. Which is technically true because we're supposed to be in the pool." 

"Yeah, it sucks, but don't let this distract you," Dylan added, "You trained way too hard the past few months to let anything mess it up. Not even your best friend." 

Britt patted my knee. "We'll help you through it and you're going to rock the regionals. That's what we're teammates for right?" 

I managed a smile, not even having to force it much. Telling them had definitely been the right choice. Looking at their kind smiles and friendly faces, I already felt relieved. Simply not walking around with it alone was also indefinitely better. 

"Right. Thanks guys."