Mason

Even when rolling into the house around 4pm with huge bags below bloodshot eyes, Noel still managed to look smug. Where he'd been after the party, I really, really didn't want to know. Last time I asked him what he'd been up to when he'd stayed away all night, I learned more about his bedroom roleplaying adventures than I ever needed to know (or could brain bleach away).

"How is my smurf baby brother doing?"

There was an annoying smirk on Noel's annoying face as he practically skipped over to me and ruffled my hair. Groaning, I buried my head in the blanket I had wrapped around me, and curled up in fetal position on the couch.

"Smurf? Really? Can't think of anything better to call me?" I muffled-protested, though I suppose 'smurf' for blue hair was still an improvement from 'baboon butt' and 'tampon head' from when my hair was bright red.

Noel ignored my protests. "And how was it with sweet Cody-Wody last night, smurf boy? Did you give him a nice and long practical explanation of the birds and the bees? You're very welcome by the way. How's your ass? Sore?"

Noel gave my ass a hard smack, and I finally threw the blanket on the floor, and shoved the idiot away from me.

"Does it look like I got laid with anyone to you?" I spat, glaring at him.

It was highly unlikely I was sexy to anyone right now.

Noel found me in a very sorry state consisting of: a.) me rolled into a blanket in front of the television, b.) while watching old cartoons, and c.) all alone, feeling bad for myself.

I'd just told my classmates I wasn't coming to the park to hang out. Didn't feel like it. I was waiting for Cody to finally message me back. Come on, his swimming practice had ended an hour ago, why hadn't he messaged me back? The status of the "hey you coming over to talk holidays?" I'd sent him was seen. It said seen. I was obviously getting seenzoned, and it was all Noel's fault.

Normally, I wouldn't think much of it. Could be anything, any reason why he hadn't gotten back to me yet. But after last night I couldn't take it, and it left me a pathetic ball of anxiety curled up on the couch, with only the worst case scenarios running through my head. Cody must have somehow figured out I'd lied about Zoey, and didn't want to talk to me. And that was all Noel's fault too.

Noel had narrowed his eyes as he closely observed me.

"You don't look like you got laid," he finally concluded. "You look like you've spent last night playing video games and losing every match, and reading gay incest smut online, instead of sleeping."

His assessment was closer to the truth than I was willing to admit. In my defence, there was only a little bit of gay smut involved with last night's activities. Without incest. To cheer myself up after he made me royally screw up with my best friend and I lost an online Hearthstone match from a guy who nicknamed himself 'shitzpants.' That's when you really know you've hit rock bottom. Lower than shitting your pants rock bottom.

"No," I lied to Noel instead, "I was doing school work. Actual getting good grades and all? I know that's difficult for you to comprehend."

I don't know when Noel did his homework. If he ever did, I never saw him do it. Mom and dad didn't seem to care about grades as long as he passed his courses; they were always going on about living while you're still young. They were a bit hippie (but I shouldn't complain, because they also said nothing when I went to bed late, and they won't care about the gender of my dates - they love Cody almost as much as I do. Almost).

Evidently, Noel still hadn't decided he should start caring about his grades. He only looked confused, again ignoring my snide remark.

"Wait, but Cody was here last night, right? Didn't you guys drink tea or something?"

He squeezed my side, winking. "Did you two do a little bit of tea bagging huh?"

I growled at him and pried his hand off of me. "We drink biological herbal tea," I emphasised the importance of the tea, just so I could pettily correct him on something. "And no. Cody wasn't here. Don't you remember anything you did last night? You screwed everything up, and frankly, I'm this close to making myself mum and dad's only child."

Noel exaggeratedly placed a hand on his heart. "What? But brother smurfest, of course I remember. Mostly. And I was only doing that drinking game to get you two together. How did that not work though?"

Noel scratched the back of his head, daring to look surprised his 'genius' plan didn't work. "So, really. No sex? No kiss?"

"No. Asshole. Of course it didn't work. Your stupid scheming and stupid ideas can't make Cody gay," I snapped. No matter how great I secretly thought it would be if it could. I was only a little desperate. "I went back to the bar to kick your ass. But I found you laying little vomit pancakes on the toilet floor and decided I didn't want your puke on me."

"Really? Huh. I don't remember that part. Wait, but why would you go back? Did you just ditch Cody on the street?" Noel's eyebrows knitted together.

"Cody made me go back to the bar because he now thinks I like Zoey. Thanks to you."

"What?"

"I told Cody I like Zoey," I clarified through gritted teeth.

Noel's eyes widened in genuine surprise. "Why would you do that? You realise that's a terrible idea?"

"No, no I'm fixing your terrible ideas."

"Excuse me, my terrible", Noel made air quotations on terrible, "ideas worked out for Daniel and Lisa. They're going on a date."

"Fantastic! I'm so thrilled for these people I don't know going on their first date!" (sarcasm? what are you talking about?)

"Just proving my point."

Darn it. Noel was saying exactly what Zoey and Yue said. Zoey had laughed in my face, although she also said she understood why it'd be believable for me to crush on her - lots of boys in our neighbourhood did. Ego the size of a small planet, that girl. Yue just called me dumb. I believe she's a little offended I didn't pick her to fake crush on - she doesn't care it's not real, it's a matter of principle. 

Noel dropped himself on the couch next to me. "Hey smurf, but aside from that ridiculous monster crush you have on Cody, and speaking of firsts, you've already done it with a dude right?"

With half an eye on the television screen and his feet resting on the table, Noel casually asked me about gay sex as if he was asking me to pass the salt at the dinner table.

The first thing that came out of my mouth was a laugh so not casual, fake and awkward, it even made me cringe.

"Of course I have," I quickly lied, but I felt blood rush to my cheeks in shame. Noel caught me off guard, and my asshole was still as desolate as the Sahara desert. Then again, people actually lived in the Sahara desert. My ass was more like outer space: no man had ever boldly gone there. Or gotten near it.

Everyone at school thinks I'm a manslut. At least, not a virgin. I never had a hard time chatting up people, so they probably assumed I had lost it (with a girl), somewhere along the way. In a party tent, or even inside a portable toilet at a festival... because those also happened to be a few of the stories I had fabricated to not look bad in front of guys at school and Zoey, Yue or Noel whenever the topic was sex and they asked my experience. If there's anything I learned from conversations, it's that guys are better off not broadcasting in public that they're virgins.

Cody knew I'd never done it. But Cody hadn't either, and that was cool. Cody could say anything to me, and I could say anything to Cody. Except, of course, this small detail of my huge crush on him. 

Noel would care. He'd use anything as fodder to make fun of me. Nothing was sacred and I didn't need to give him more ammunition--

"Oh my God you haven't!" Noel exclaimed sounding as if I'd just announced that I'd drank the last beer in the fridge.

Fuck, I think I have just given him a lot more ammunition.

"But you're gay. So wait-- hang on, that portable toilet story you told me. That was with a girl, and you're gay..." Noel shot me a suspicious glance. "Is that story even true?"

"Yes it is!"

"Oh my God it's not!" Noel exclaimed, now sounding as if I'd just told him he couldn't drink beer for an entire month. "You've not been with girls because you're gay, and you've not been with a guy either? You've never done it!"

"Hey, it's hard to find a boyfriend if the entire boyfriend market doesn't know you're interested, alright?" I hissed, attempting to defend myself. "Calm your tits. I came out like a week ago to you, Zoey and Yue."

Except, it was not at all difficult to find a one night stand. There'd been fleeting crushes, and lots of guys I thought were hot. Mostly straight as an arrow, but if I wanted to sleep with someone I would have. Chances enough. Chances I'd chickened out of, or passed up on, because Cody would call me or smile at me or breathe air in my general direction. He wasn't always around, but knowing he existed made me not want to do it. Nobody compared favourably to his warm smile, his split ends, those funny expressions he made when he was concentrating, and his ridiculous collection of teas.

"Well then." Noel jumped to his feet. "Seems like I was wrong. It's not Cody who is about as sexless as a pillow, with the libido of a dead panda bear. It's you. You've really been living it up in the nightlife scene huh? No wonder you never made a move on Cody in, I dunno, years."

"And it's not gonna happen anymore either thanks to your meddling," I snapped. "It says seen. The message says seen, and his practice ended and he's not messaging me back."

I threw a pillow at Noel's face.

Noel unfortunately caught it, and pushed it to his chest, pretended he was making out with it and groping it. "Oh Codykins! Oh, I love you Codykins! I want you to be my first!"

"Shut up!"

I hurled another pillow at his face, but Noel continued making kissy noises.

Another noise blended in with the disgusting smacking Noel was producing. It took me a moment to realise that was my phone ringing on the table. Cody's happy, excited face ( it was after he won a big freestyle competition) stared at me and Noel from the phone's screen as the caller ID.

Noel promptly stopped molesting the pillow and looked at me. And I looked at Noel.

Then we both made a dive for the phone.