I'm afraid to move. I'm afraid this all was just my imagination. I let the tears roll down on my cheeks. The world fades and I can't see anything, I can't hear anything, I can't smell anything anymore. All my pain, that has been buried

deep

  deep

    deep

down under that layer of ice, is suddenly rushing into my body. Now I can't move because of it. Memories come back flashing in front of my eyes. Memories of my mistakes.

Every.

Single.

One.

The reasons I lost my treasure.

Things were going great, to be honest. I took Percy out on several dates after I finally got permission from his father, and soon enough I approached Sally too. That was terrifying too, but she handled my request (as in allowing me to date her son) quite well, and wished us luck and happiness. (Even though she might've threatened to kill me in several ways, in case I hurt Percy, something I'd just never do) 

After that she treated me as a family member, and since I visited really frequently, I started to feel more at home in the Jackson Residence - as I liked to call it. A few weeks had passed without us noticing how fast time flew by, and suddenly Percy's birthday came. I have been thinking about what to give him for his birthday, but everything seemed so shallow and lame and so unworthy. 

I had thought of many things like one of Hephaestus' phones, that would attract no monster - pretty useful, but I didn't think it was enough; or a car like mine - I thought he would be happy for that, considering just how much he was in love with my sun chariot, in the form of a Maserati - but then he wouldn't have needed me anymore, if he wanted to drive somewhere (big no if you ask me); or just a nice wellness weekend for the two of us somewhere far from here, maybe in Europe - but I doubted he'd like to go back to Europe, and we weren't quite phisically close to each other yet, for that to happen. (Which surprised myself too, but after being Lester for so long, I was seeing the world with different eyes, and didn't feel like getting it everyday anymore. Well I never actually got much physical and intimate with someone after I became a god again, so it was a pretty long streak for sure. Oh how my fellow Olympians would laugh at me, if only they knew...)

I wanted to have a simple date on the beach, or an extravagant on Olympus, or to just give him 1000 roses (specifically blue, of course) or bake him some blue cookies (but I could never make better ones than Sally) or take him surfing and to do things that he must like. I had thousands of ideas and none seemed right. 

In the end I decided to go for a bigger gift and maybe take him on a date and ask him, whether he wanted to actually be my boyfriend or not. I was just so stressed for days, I wanted everything to be perfect. I didn't want to move him out of his comfort zone too much, but going to the same pizzeria, where we go on every friday seemed too cheap for something like this. I wanted it to be unforgettable and perfect, so I chose a fancy restaurant on O'ahu and booked it so no one else would be there that day, just the two of us and a minimal amount of staff. Our table would be outside, looking at the ocean and candles would provide us light. After that we could take a nice walk on the beach in the moonlight (I'd hat to ask Artemis to be extra nice that night), and then and there I could finally ask the question. It all seemed perfect in my head but in reality I was dreading that moment. 

What if he says no? 

These past weeks I've spent so much time with him, that I fell for him even harder. There was no going back from here now, and I felt like if he said no, that would break me forever, and I'll never be able to love again. It was so fresh and new, and I kind of forgot how vulnerable love made me feel, and I didn't like it. 

I was terrified. What were we even doing? I was a god, while he was just a demigod. He even refused godhood and made it clear, that he'd never want to be immortal. He'd never stay with me, but that way I'd have to watch him die.

And what if he came back to his senses and realized that? What if he realized that, he would probably not have children with me, he'd not have a normal life with me? And that was something he needed. He often expressed it, just how much he enjoyed this new peace, where he could just stroll around in New York, enjoying to be a normal kid. 

And what if he realized, that he still loved Annabeth, and decided that he couldn't live without her, after everything they've been through? 

He had explained to me after a few days of starting to court him, how they had broken up, because being near one another made everything harder. How they reminded each other of the awful things that happened to them in Tartarus, or what they've done in order to survive. They couldn't look at each other without those crucifying memories and feelings. They stayed friends of course, but in these months he never mentioned her name again, and never met her either. 

I've heard that she stayed in New Rome, and that's why Percy came back to New York, well also because he wanted to spend time with Estelle and his loving family, but that's different.

So all in all I felt exhausted and I dreaded the upcoming event. I asked for Sally's permission for everything I planned ahead, and she reassured me that it was a lovely plan, and everything would be just fine.

"Really Apollo, you need to stop worrying that much" she laughed, offering me a plate of hot blue cookies. I happily took one and started mounching on it. "It's not good for your skin. Or do you want to be all wrinkles for the big day?"

"What big day?" I heard Percy's voice from behind me, and soon he sat next to me and grabbed a handful of those amazing chocolate wonders. He's been showering just before, so he wore nothing, but a towel around his waist, waterdrops still trickled down his beautiful abs down to his v-line, where they'd disappear into the clothing. I almost choke on my bite, and he glanced even more curiously at me. 

"Well, it's just, you know, some uh- some amazing party on Olympus tomorrow." I fiddled with the hem of my shirt, as I tried to come up with something believable. "Yep. That's it. Some godly stuff."

Sally frowned at me and shook her head, but I ignored it and felt courageous enough to flash a smile at Percy. He stopped chewing and looked at me for a second, then shrugged and focused on the dessert instead. I felt the mood sink, and desperately tried to stir toward better topics, but I couldn't think of anything, instead just asked:

"So what are you planning for tomorrow?" 

"Oh nothing. I'll be here all day long." he replied quickly, avoiding eye contact, and sounding a tad bit disappointed and sad. Good job Apollo, now he thinks you totally don't care and don't know about his birthday tomorrow. He then soon added. "I hope you'll have fun. I guess I'll see you then later."

And with that he rushed to his bedroom, leaving me alone with a very unimpressed Sally.

Word count: 1315

I don't really like this chapter, but I had to get the next story arch going  so I wrote this. Not long, almost no dialog. EW.

I hope I'll write the next one better.

Love

Lianna