Last night I thought I could gather my thoughts the next day and know what I have to decide on, but that didn't happen.

I feel so weak, empty and once again...alone.

I buried my face into my soft pillow and didn't move an inch nor do anything.

I want this day to end as fast as possible, even though I knew the next day is probably going to be the exact same as today...
...like shit.

Stopping the same train of thoughts I also had while in school not that many years ago, I finally stood up and went to the bathroom.

I took a quick glance at myself in the mirror.
I looked tired and even more pale than before.
I got back into my warm bed and pulled the blanket over my body.
In that moment I felt a stabbing pain in my stomach and let out a painful gasp.

I was going to bed without eating something last night, which was a bad idea, but I just couldn't think of anything else than Anna and Chase.

It was nearly two o'clock in the afternoon and because I didn't get much sleep last night, I closed my eyes and took a nap.

After some hours of getting some rest, I went down for something to eat. It has gone eight now and I started thinking about it...a lot of thinking.

The thought of him kissing and touching Anna the same way made me feel sick.

Or was it the same way? Like Anna said, they were drunk, so he didn't have much control on what he was doing and he mayb-

No...

I always try to find a way to forgive people for what they did and for how they made me feel.

I tried to give others a chance, because I know how it feels like, that you fuck up something badly and you sometimes regretting it afterwards, wishing you wouldn't have said or done that.

I don't want to be the one making people feel the that way.

...

Some people though, could use that to their advantage.

They would not feel bad and keep on doing what they like, not thinking about how you would feel to their behavior,
because you forgive that person.

You think about that person,
but they don't think about
you.

Their selfish mind, leading them blindly in someone's life, not caring if they hurt the other person,
just if they themselves are alright and not hurt.

People who forgive others is like letting your guard down, making it easier for them to hurt you
and that is why some people only give others only one chance.

It definitely does not mean that those people who don't give others a chance are selfish, it means that they got their trust broken a few times or many times and they don't want it to happen again.
Also, if they haven't gotten their trust broken, they don't want it to be in the first place.

The question I have now is
Do I forgive or don't I?

I turn around when I heard a loud knock on the door.
I rushed to the door, after taking a short glimpse at the mirror, seeing if I looked somewhat presentable for whatever reason there is.

I opened the door and saw Ethan standing with, in my eyes, a cold and distance in his expression that he made.

I don't know why, but my first thought was just closing the door, but he had his foot there to keep the door open.

I gathered all the strength and bit of courage I had left and said, "C-Come in".
After just leaving him last night I felt really bad.

We sat down, not saying anything for some time.
He was waiting for me to explain my behavior last night and so I did...kinda.

Repeating what Anna said, I told him about it and about Chase.

Sadness overtook me and with teary eyes, I finished my sentence and looked directly into his eyes.

"Jessica, I'm sorry what happened, but you could have told me. Why didn't you? Do you have that little trust in me that you couldn't have just told me?"

Not being able to answer him, I looked away.

"I think we should take a break..."

I froze up.
The sentence most people in a relationship or just dating, hate hearing...'we should take a break'.
It echoed in my head, not leaving my thoughts.

No...no,
please...

He headed towards the door and just when he was about to open it I had to say what was on my mind...

"E-Ethan?"

He turned back to me and asked, "What?"

I would be the one, forgiving others, but I really didn't expected me on the same side as Anna right now, making it of course harder for me not to forgive her...

Hot tears running down my face, reddening my cheeks, I wanted to know something before he leaves...

"Do you think we can still workout together?"

"Let me think about, ok?
You told me that you have to think about you and Anna, if you talked and made a decision, we can sort things out, is that ok for you?"

I nodded. I was a bit happier that there is still a glimpse of hope left and after that he got closer to me and gave we a quick kiss.

"I will wait for you."

After saying those nice few words, he left.