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I hated the holidays. I hated not seeing Ben and I was counting down to the resumption date of school.

Ben and I kept in touch over the phone and we were always chatting on the WhatsApp messenger. Whenever he went offline, I would be sad and when he came back online I would be happy.

To me, Ben and I were already together. To me, I was already his girlfriend but I had to be sure. So I asked him.

‘What are we doing? What is this?’

‘That’s a tough question.’ He had said. ‘I think we are getting to know each other.’

That wasn’t the reply I had been hoping for but I still took it and I was looking forward to the day he would call me his girlfriend though we had exchanged I love you a couple of times.
                                              
                      ____________
I was devastated. That was officially my first heartbreak. Ben had asked me to come online and I did. He told me that he hoped I would one day forgive him for what he was about to do. I got scared.

‘What is going on?’ I enquired.

‘I don’t think this thing between us can go any further. I think it’s better if we just remained friends.’

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. I stared at my phone and I prayed he would tell me it was just a prank; that he was just pulling my legs but he didn’t. He meant every word.

‘If that is what you want, then it’s okay. Please don’t feel bad because there is really nothing to forgive.’

I was hurt but I wasn’t going to let him know that. I ended the chat and I entered my bathroom and cried. I had no idea why it hurt so much but it did and I felt every bit of the pain.

Ben and I went back to being just friends. I tried hard to deal with my pain without him knowing.

It was easy acting unaffected and cool because I wasn’t seeing him. It was only a phone chat.

Ben confided in me that day. He told me he was talking to me about his problem because I was his friend and I was matured in my reasoning.

He told me he was torn between going back to an ex that broke his heart and dating someone new. I already knew the ex was Linda but I didn’t know who the new girl he wanted to date was.

‘She was my classmate back then in secondary school. I had a thing for her while we were in school’ he explained.

I felt bad. Here I was, pining over him and I wasn’t even among his options. It was painful and I couldn’t do anything about it.

‘The devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know. Just follow your heart’ I told him.

‘I’m scared my ex will break my heart again.’

‘Just follow your heart.’ I advised him.             
                     ______________
‘Have you ever said the words I love you without meaning it?’ I asked him as he chose truth in our online truth or dare game.

‘Who are you trying to make uncomfortable?’ he asked me.

I asked him because I wanted to know if he meant it when he told me that he loved me but he didn’t answer me and that brought an end to the truth and dare game.    _________________
Ben came to my house. We were in the veranda. He pulled me close to himself and made me sit on his laps.

He then caressed my face. We laughed and laughed some more. I saw how much he loved me and I looked at him with so much love in my eyes. I was content.

This was happiness but it wasn’t real. It was only a dream. I sighed as I woke up. It felt so real.

I told Ben about my dream.

‘Do you still have feelings for me?’ Ben asked me.

‘I chose not to answer that.’ I told him.

‘I just want us to be on the same page, that’s all’

‘You have nothing to worry about’
                                                       
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John was my friend. We spent time together sometimes. We became close when he was going after my roommate Danny.

Danny wasn’t interested in him and after trying all he could to win her affection to no avail, he gave up. I was surprised when John told me that he had feelings for me and that he wanted me to date him. I didn’t know what to tell him and so I told him to give me time to think about it and to wait till school resumed.

Deep down inside me I knew I was not going to date him. Not while I was still crazy about Ben. I did not say no immediately because I felt it would be nice having someone to help take my mind off Ben.

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