Thank you for reading.
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After I found out about Grace and after I came back home, things were still not alright between Ben and I.

I was still willing to try. I still loved him and I still wanted us. But it appeared he had given up, it appeared like we didn’t want the same things any longer.

I love you I had told him in a text.
I have heard you he replied. He didn’t tell me that he loved me too.

It began hitting me that what Ben and I had might actually be over. I remember I asked him why he didn’t say he loved me back and he asked,

‘Do you want me to lie?’

I just had to give up. Despite all that had happened between us, despite all the mistakes we both had made, I still loved Ben. I was still head over heels in love with Ben.

I gave him three days to really think and be sure of what he wanted. On the third day, he told me that he didn’t love me any longer. He didn’t say it directly but he implied it and I got his message clearly.

That means it’s over between us. I hate you and I never want to hear from you again. I regret you.
These were the words I typed into my phone and sent to him.

I deleted his number from my phone even though I couldn’t erase it from my head.

I unfollowed him on Instagram and blocked him on WhatsApp. I felt hate for him and I felt I had lost so much of myself in my relationship with him.

I was fine that night. I tried to keep myself very busy so I wouldn’t think of him.

As the days went by, I began to miss him. The hate I once felt for him melted away each day revealing my intense undying love for him.

I cried myself to sleep every night and I wondered if he missed me and if he felt bad that we were not together anymore.

I remember one night that I drank myself to stupor just so I could block thoughts of him from entering my mind.

The heartbreak was massive and it appeared as though the pain grew worse each day. It was during this period that I started my blog el diario de Dee.

Writing on my blog and on other forums made me feel better but only during the day. Nothing could take away the penetrating pain I felt at night and early in the morning.

It was new year’s eve and I wanted to enter the new year feeling better and letting go of all the pain and grudge I held in my heart for people, especially Ben.

So I sent him a message.
Hey. So I am trying to make up with everyone that I had issues with this year. I forgive you for all the hurt and pain you caused me and I hope you can forgive me if I hurt you in any way. I just hope we can be cool. Hope you are doing okay.
                                                Dee.

I unblocked him on WhatsApp and sent him a message.
I hope we can still hook up even though we are not together anymore. I wanted to take the message back immediately I sent it. I sounded very pathetic.

I am sorry for the message. I know it sounds pathetic. I sent again.

It’s not pathetic. It made me smile. Ben replied.

We began talking again. We were just friends and I felt relieved and slept more peacefully.

‘I heard you started a blog’ he had told me.

‘Yeah. I did it to cope’ there was no need lying to him. I had nothing to lose.

‘How have you been?’

‘It’s been hard. Being without you. I have done everything to forget you. Sex, writing, alcohol. But nothing quite worked a 100%’

‘Everything?’

‘Apart from drugs’ I was trying to be funny.

‘Who did you have sex with?’ he asked

‘Jerry’

‘How was it?’

I had no idea why he cared but I still answered him.

‘It was good. Good sex.’

Ben please don’t enter into another relationship until we are sure it’s completely over between us. Unless you already found someone new. I had sent to him one day. I had no pride with Ben and I just couldn’t help but be completely honest with him.

I am not that heartless. He had replied.

We talked for days and it was like the closeness we once had shared returned.

‘Why did you break up with me?’ I had asked him.

‘Because we were not driving me crazy like before’

‘That’s what time does to a relationship’. I didn’t want him back at that time, I was just stating a fact.

‘You just stopped trying’ I added. ‘I always knew I had the greater love and it was fine with me. I knew I brought a 60% and you brought a 40% but you did so well with the 40% you had that it almost felt like a 100% and then you just gave up’. I didn’t know what I was saying or why I was saying it.

‘It wasn’t fair to you’. He said.

‘I was happy. Yes. I know I can be dramatic but you used to treat my drama as childish tantrums and whenever I got upset, you would just say you are sorry or say that you love me and I would calm down. Ben you gave up. You just stopped trying.’

‘What if I had sex with someone else?’ he asked. I wasn’t expecting the question.

‘I wouldn’t judge you. I am not a saint myself’

‘What if you are the one I want to have sex with?’

‘I would probably have no objections’

‘Why?’ he asked.

‘Why what?’

‘Why won’t you have any objections if I wanted to have sex with you?’

‘What do you want to hear?’

‘The truth’

‘I would have no objections because I would rather have a part of you than not have you at all. There. That’s your why’ I was irritated.

‘Calm down’ he said.

‘I am sorry. This situation is just depressing.’

‘What is depressing? That you love me? Or that it’s you that I want to have sex with or that I am crazy about us again?'

‘What exactly are you trying to say?’

‘I want you. I want us. I missed us.’

Our breakup lasted for less than two weeks. I wasn’t sure what I felt about Ben and I being back together. I was happy but I still felt uncertain.
  ___________
I had business to do in Ben’s state of residence. I had no money to stay in a hotel and so I asked Ben if I could stay with his family for the short period of time I had to stay there.

He got permission from his parents and I was on my way to his place. I hadn’t seen Ben since the hotel. It was almost two months and it felt nice that I was going to see him again.

Ben’s family was nice to me. His mother was beautiful and she seemed very kind. Ben had mild resemblance to his father. I felt so at home.

The next day, when everyone had gone out, Ben and I made love. It was beautiful. Passionate. I had missed him so much. As he kissed me, my entire body shook with need. I wanted every inch of him. My wetness surprised me and at that moment all that mattered to me was Ben inside of me. His thrusts were deep and fast and nothing else in this world made sense.

We made love to each other quite often throughout my stay in his house and it was incredible each time.

I was cleaning up the sitting room when I saw his phone on the center table. A greater part of me wanted to go through his phone to find out if he was cheating on me or not. The remaining part of me wanted to trust him. The greater part won.

I grabbed the phone and began going through his messages and I got the shock of my life. I found out Ben and Grace were still in a relationship from the messages on his phone.

I was heartbroken and I asked the Lord for wisdom to handle the situation. I copied Grace’s phone number and chatted her up.
Ben was in the kitchen and I went to him.

‘Are you still seeing Grace?’ I asked him.

‘Why are you asking?’

‘Because we broke up and you probably started dating her again’. I didn’t tell him I already knew the truth. I just hoped he wouldn’t lie to me.

‘No. There is nothing between Grace and me. We are just friends’. 

I felt bad. He lied. Ben looked me in the eyes and lied.

From my chat with Grace, I realized she was a good person. She was only being played by Ben. She had no idea Ben was in a relationship with me and they never broke up to begin with as Ben made me believe in the hotel.

She said she was going to leave Ben alone for me.
When Ben found out I knew the truth, he was confused.
Grace broke up with him and he showed me the text she sent.

This keeps burning in my heart, you can't stay again. Dee your girlfriend chatted me up yesterday, and told me that she doesn't like trouble and she needs me to stop, saying you told her that what happened between us was infatuation and you were confused, told me you said you broke up with me and we're not seeing each other anymore. Now that's really very surprising that I trusted you completely whereas you've been lying to me, everything you've been saying was all a Lie. How dare you tell me that you were going to Uncle's place, when you went to Dee's, How dare you tell me that you Love me when you've been lying?

I felt pity for Grace but Ben was my man and I wasn’t going to share him with any girl and so I was pleased that she ended things with him.

Ben told me he didn’t mean to cheat on me. He said he was fooling around with her and before he knew it, he was already dating her and he didn’t know how to leave her without hurting her.

‘I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you and I didn’t break up with her because I didn’t want to hurt her. I just wanted her to get tired of the relationship and breakup with me by herself’ Ben had said.

‘Did you have sex with her?’ I asked him.

He looked at me for a while as if he was searching for something on my face before he finally said ‘No. We didn’t have sex’

He told me his feelings for me were greater than anything he felt for her.

I didn’t leave Ben and I forgave him. It was easy to forgive him because I had my own shortcomings and he always forgave me whenever I did something to hurt him. So I just let go.

I had gone back home. I felt guilty because I hadn’t told Ben about my fling with Jerry. So that night, I decided to tell him.

‘Something happened between Jerry and me. I knew he wanted me and I did nothing to stop him. I encouraged him. It was nice, having a guy trip for me like that. We became pretty close and I sort of developed feelings for him. I felt something for him. I knew I loved you and I knew I would never give you up for him. I was very confused.  I can't call what I felt for him love because if it were love, I'd still feel it till now’.

‘You sure?’ Ben asked.

‘Yes. I'm sure. It was just very exciting and getting to know him thrilled me. And then I saw you again. At the hotel. And things were just weird between us. We were just dull. And it made me even more confused’

‘Because someone else was making you happy.’

I ignored his comment and continued. ‘Then that afternoon that you slept. I watched you sleep. Then I realized what I feel for you is love because it's unwavering and I realized it was you that I wanted and I couldn't bear the thought of losing you. Funny enough, the day I made that decision was the day I found out about Grace. And the whole thing was just crazy’

‘What are you driving at?’ He asked.

‘I just felt guilty today for judging you when I did the same thing to you. I felt I should tell you about this. Tell you that I liked someone else too. I'm sorry for calling you a liar because I lied too’

‘It's okay. Now my turn’

Ben’s confessions took me unawares.

‘I kind of sort of slept with Grace.’ I blinked continuously as I read his message.

‘I wanted to tell you but I didn’t know how you would take it. You may have left my house when you heard it’. He continued

‘How many times did it happen?’ I asked

‘Two times. I’m sorry’

‘Is there any other thing I need to know?’ I was acting cool even though what he told me broke my heart to bits.

‘When we were in school, I kind of did mess around with Linda. We didn’t have sex. We just made out.’

‘While we were together?’ Tears had already started flowing down my eyes. I felt betrayed. I felt like a fool. Linda must have thought I was a fool. She must have laughed in her mind each time she saw me with Ben.

‘Yes. I’m sorry’

‘How many times?’ I asked again.

‘Can I chose not to answer that?’ He asked.

From his question I figured it happened several times but he told me it happened four times when I insisted he gave me an answer.

‘So you and Linda made out four or more times while the both of us were together’. I stated. I needed to state it for me to believe it.

‘I’m sorry’

‘I think my heart is about to get used to this painful feeling of it always getting broken. It's too painful for me and I'm not saying it to make you feel bad. I don't know which breaks my heart more, you and Linda messing around and you keeping it from me all these while or you sleeping with Grace. I used to be the girl that had no idea what heartbreak felt like but I'm now a regular customer. I'm not even sure of your feelings for me’

‘I’m sorry for hurting you and I’d understand any of your decisions’

‘Why do u always say that like you are just waiting for me to break up with you?’ I asked.

‘What do u want me to say?’

‘Ben, I appreciate that you told me these things. I appreciate the honesty even though it was long overdue. I need you to search yourself and tell me the honest truth. Don't butter it up. Just tell me the plain truth. Do you really love me?’

‘Yes. Yes I do. A lot.’

I thought about it for a few seconds.
‘I forgive you. No more lying for the both of us. We do something wrong, we own up immediately. Please be faithful to me. Who would have known being with you would be this trying.’ I said.

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