I tried to rein in the wave of apprehension as forcibly as possible. Taas noo akong bumalik sa Studio D na hindi tinitignan si Dean na sa panandaliang pagsulyap ko ay nakitang katabi si Wilmer at kausap pa ito. 

Paunti-unti ang paghupa ng ugong ng kanilang usapan sa aking pagdaan. With the way they watch me walk in the room, it's like the whole world is waiting for me to trip on my foot or make a mistake.

Nag-alinlangan tuloy akong umupo sa silya at kung hindi lang iyon minuwestra ni Skyler ay tatayo na lang talaga ako sa tabi niya. Without them having to announce it, I could feel that Dean deserves that seat. Hindi sa akin na aplikante bilang personal assistant. Tawag sa isang class A version ng isang utusan.

Cashiel and Marcus both faked a cough. Naging awkward ang sitwasyon. Ngayon ay nagkakatinginan na lang kami sa isa't isa. What now?

"Are we still waiting for someone?" dominanteng panimula ni Dean na bumahid ang inip sa tono. Marahan ang kunot noo at umiigting ang matalas niyang panga.

Nakadekwatro siya at manly na sinusuri ang kanyang kuko. His other foot is tapping, sinasabayan ang mahinang kanta sa laptop. Why, he couldn't get rid of that combat boots is beyond me. Ang tupi sa manggas ng kanyang jeans ay mas nagpahaba pa yata sa kanyang binti. 

"Oh, uh..." muling tikhim ni Marcus at tumayo nang tuwid sabay lagay ng mga kamay sa bulsa.  "I think we'd have to dismiss the tautologies then and just cut to the chase."

"Better. So why am I being summoned here?" Dean's vocal chords is being monotonous and dismissive.

Even knowing that I am going to be chewed by the aversion through his eyes, I still  found myself looking at him. It's hard not to do so when he's gifted with the kind of charm that would suck everyone's attention. He has aged seven years to damn perfection.

"This is only a trial balloon. I mean, we've already expected for your violent reaction before you know it but, you know, we're testing the waters." Nagkibit si Wilmer na parang wala lang.

"Goddammit Will!"  Bahagyang napausaog sa gulat si Wilmer. Matalim ang tingin ni Dean sa kanya. "Why am I even here? Why is she still here?!"

Dean's near outrage thundered in every solid surfaces of the room. Tinuro niya ako ngunit hindi ginawaran ng sulyap.

We all kept our vow of silence. I'm pulling every calming molecules just to soothe the beating of my chest. Umiinit na ang dibdib ko sa matinding kaba. Somehow, his impatience made a way to my memories when we're still teenagers. The fights he had caused. The insistencies he had made. The assurances he had asked, all led to this trait that no matter how it made no sense to me, I still get to adore it.

Hindi ko alam kung mangangamba ako o ngingiti dahil may mga bagay pa talagang hindi nagbago sa kanya. Maybe he is still the same Dean, just coated with the paint of his abhorrence.

Bumuntong hininga si Wilmer, madaling nakabawi sa inasta ng kaibigan.  Tinukod nito ang kamay sa likod ng silya ni Dean.

"Patrick here  suggested that Ruth is going to be your personal assistant. Do you mind giving her a copy of your rider's list?"

Umawang ang bibig ni Dean ngunit wala akong mabasang gulat sa kanya. His tongue is playing with his upper molars.

Sa kabila ng aking kaba ay nagawa  itong mapaamo ng guwapo niyang mukha. That instead of escalating my heartbeat with fear, it doubled in wonder and adoration. Lalo na noong nag-angat siya ng kilay. The angle seems to be pointing high to the ceiling

"I was expecting all of you to be sensitive when it comes to this intimate part of my life." His growl is menacing. "You know my response to this. Bakit niyo pa ako tinanong?"

"We just want to make sure—"

"It's a sure no," putol ni Dean kay Wilmer.

"We couldn't squeeze a time exploring all avenues to find the perfect P.A for you, Dean. Next week's going to overwhelm us with guestings and city tours," pahayag ni Patrick. I don't know what he does in the band.

Binagsak ni Dean ang likod sa silya.

"If so, then let her do a research of my demands. What in the name of fuck am I still doing here if you have already decided to have her as my damn P.A, then?"

Hindi lang ako ang napangiwi sa lutong ng pagmumura niya. Poor Patrick retreated his steps at mukhang gusto nang maging bahagi ng pader. Dean's cursing has got to mean something.

Sa kabila ng tensiyon na pumapaikot sa amin, nagawa ko pang tumawa.

Dean, I may be in love with you that would likely border into obsession, but never in my lifetime would tolerate your monumental ego and other bullshits. I'm gonna tame you, Dean. Ako man ang maging utusan mo, pero ako ang magpapaamo sa 'yo!

"Your notoriety doesn't always mean that everything about you is being broadcasted in the internet, amigo.  Let alone a rider's list! " angal ni Skyler.

Tinaliman siya nito ng tingin. The kind of look that says no one can defy his wants or go against his wishes.

Yumuko si Sky at mukhang maiiyak, nagsisi yata na nanlaban pa. Mahinang nagmura si Wilmer at tinabihan ang kapatid at inakbayan.

I hope this doesn't blemish their friendship. Mahaba na rin ang pinagsamahan nila but I don't get why they seem to be scared of him as if he owns the world, let alone their lives!

Or maybe this is just part of it. Hindi naman talaga maiiwasan ang bangayan sa pagkakaibigan at sa banda. I hope it would stay as just a small misunderstanding and nothing else beyond that.

I like to comfort Sky dahil mukha talaga siyang nasaktan. I'd like to think that she's sticking up for me o baka hindi lang talaga siya sang-ayon sa sinabi ni Dean. But be that as it may, I still appreciated it and if ever she is indeed defending me on my part, there's no need to. I can handle this.  I can handle him. I've dealt with several patients worse than Dean's assholery. 

Sa katunayan ay mukhang nacha-challenge ako nito. This all the more fuels my want to fulfill my plan.  I'll take the risk no matter what. Even his anger that would equal to a whole planet.

"Mr. Ortigoza," magalang kong sabi. Highlight the sarcasm, Dean. "If you want me to do my part, then let me do my research right now. And that entails your full cooperation since you are the direct source of the facts. Hand me the list of your backstage demands so I could implement a thorough appraisal and have every single thing prepared as soon as possible. So by the time you appeal for your needs to be met, there wont be any delays."

I coud have heard a pin drop by the total absence of sound. Ang ingay galing sa labas ay tila nag aantabay rin sa mga susunod na kaganapan.

Nagbabantang kidlat at kulog ang itsura ni Dean habang tinututukan ako. I answered his storms with my sarcastic sunshine. A smile!

"Let's welcome personal matters to the exit door and work professionally."I added. "And in working hand in hand for you to fullfill your demands, cooperation is the key. Hindi naman siguro ako magbe-baby sit na dapat ako lang ang magpapakilos sa 'yo. You have to move by yourself, too. Like moving on, right? Unless..." panunuya ko sa huling salita.

"Oh my God. You're my queen," bulong ni Sky sa tabi ko.

I don't know what to make out of Dean's thoughts right now as he went on glaring at me. Parang mas tumulis pa bawat edge ng kanyang mukha.

Kung relax at parang pinaglalaruan ko lang siya ngayon ay lulubus lubusin ko na ito. Dahil sa oras na sasabak na ako sa totoong trabaho, I know what kind of fresh hell I'm going to go through. Relaxation by that time would likely to be an extinction.

Pinagbabantaan na nga niya yata ako sa tingin na iyan. O minumura na.

Yeah,  he's probably cursing me in his thoughts right now while I am here imagining our wedding. Damn, Ruth. Ngayon ka pa talaga nag isip niyan!

"You're a nursing graduate, right?"

Hindi ko naagapan ang daloy ng kuryente sa halong gaspang at lamig ng kanyang boses. Even in that case, I still tried to spend a cent of smile and a bill of sarcasm.

"Oh why, thank you! Nag-research ka rin pala tungkol sa akin. Alam mo rin bang one time taker ako sa board exam? That earned me my license. I would like to add that to my credentials," I uttered with faked pride and confidence.

"You don't make the cut," agap niya. As if he has done this before. Interview apprentices. "Tell me about your administrative and managerial experience then I might give you some re-consideration."

He broke eye contact nang lumapit si Wilmer sa kanya at may binulong.

Sadness and why's wormed their way into my system. Si Wilmer na may kontribusyon kung bakit kami nagiba noon ay kaya niyang kausapin nang kaswal at nakikipagtawanan pa. He was abe to move on from that? From what his best friend did?

Habang sa akin...he can't even talk to me without preceding a growl and a deep frown that makes it no secret of his abhorrence towards me. 

Or it could be that their friendship is thicker than anything else that no girl can try to knock it down.

Mas matimbang nga siguro ang kanilang pagkakaibigan kesa sa ibang bagay. They've been friends prior to our first encounter so that makes their friendship outweigh his trust on me. This trying to resolve everything. I focused my energy to that understanding.

Sa singhap ni Dean ay may laman nang protesta. I don't have to guess about his verdict.

"She's working only as a staff, not as a manager!"

Huminga ako nang malalim. Him making a big deal out of this is beyond me. Naiintindihan ko pa ang pagkaayaw niya sa akin pero ang trabaho ko ay parang minamaliit na niya. I can't contain it. It gashes my ego. Parang sinasabi na rin niyang isang malaking pagkakamali ang mga naging desisiyon ko.

Because all my life, I've been deciding for myself alone. Gumagabay lang ang mga nakakatanda sa akin pero ako ang nagpaplano lahat para sa sarili ko. I've never been this sensitive, or maybe I'm just really desperate for Dean's approval. 

Sa panay na angal ni Dean ay mukhang sumusuko na nga si Patrick na nagkakamot ng batok. Si Marcus ay malalim ang hugot ng paghinga at napailing.

Tanging si Wilmer ang may tapang na sagut-sagutin si Dean.

"Dean..."

Natabas ang mahinang pagtatalo nila at sabay akong nilingon. Tumalim muli ang mga mata niya. I shivered. I saw his mouth bitterly twitched as I mentioned his name.

I need to get everyone's attention. Dahil sa sasabihin ko, ayaw kong siya lang ang makakarinig. I know that everyone but him will support me with my statement so they have to hear me. If I get the majority's approval, hah! Pasensiyahan na lang tayo, Dean. Dadaanin ko 'to sa utakan at diskarte.

"I don't think I need to have an experience that is compatible with the position  that I am being applied for as long as I have an employment history related to the job such as working in voluntary groups and event organizing. That being said, I am no stranger to these scopes of activities," kampante kong sabi.

"That's other people's qualification. Sa ibang tao ka ba magtatrabaho? You are going to work for me. I don't spare a room for mediocrity, Miss Simeon," giit ni Dean. 

Mediocrity. But he looks so lazy in that chair. Kahit effortless ang kasupladuhan niya ay kayang-kaya niyang ibaon ang saksak ng insulto ng mga salita sa 'kin.

May binunot siyang papel sa kanyang jeans at hinampas ito sa katabing desk. Inabot iyon ni Cash at binigay sa 'kin. I unfolded it only to be welcomed by his demands. It's the rider's list.

Kumunot ang noo ko sa mahabang listahan. Eighteen year old Dean Ortigiza would have bitched out and puked on this paper.

"Bakit kailangan mo pang mag require ng isang may experience?" tanong ko 'tsaka nag angat sa kanya. I pointed at the almost crumpled paper.

"Someone with or without a background skill can identify what a coconut water is! Lemon tea with honey? Mahirap bang alamin iyon? Does this list have to be read and understood by someone who only has a managerial experience? Can someone with no administrative work history incapable of taking calls? Or can't be as skillful as someone who had gone through shits with these jobs? If you still haven't been knocked by some sense, then at least, make this as my first real experience in this line of work!"

Kung pang ilang buntong hininga ko na ito ay hindi ko mabilang. Their silence made way for me to say more.

"Ang dapat mong hindi i-qualify dito ay iyong hindi marunong magsulat, magsalita, at magbasa. God! I'm overqualified!" maarte kong dagdag saka inikutan siya ng mata.

"Slay!" bulong Sky bago humagikhik. Cashiel joined her.

Their support is a drop of pride and confidence to me. I saw Marcus smirked at Dean. Patrick whistled. And Wilmer...well, as usual. Ngumuso lang siya at tinataasan ng kilay ang palaging hot lion mode niyang kaibigan.

Matagal siyang tumitig, or let's just say na parang hindi siya nagbibitaw ng tingin. Marahil sa isip niya ay naghahagis na siya ng mga puting rosas sa kabaong ko.

Kalaunan ay yumukod siya't tinukod ang mga braso sa binti. His semi wide deep sets pressed into slits.

"Why do you want this job, then?"

Natigilan ako. Suddenly uneased. I didn't expect the question actually. I only realized the importance of the question now that it is being asked to me.

"Kailangan ko pa bang sagutin iyan?" natatawa kong sabi dahil wala talaga akong masabi. I don't feel brave when I have nothing in my mind for any words to say.

It's easier to lie, so that's what I'm gonna do. Hahaba lang ang usapan kung sasabihin ko ang totoo. Oh, as if he doesn't know the truth already. Everyone knew!

"A mention about money will just sail you farther from the job. You're not financially impaired so think again before you say it."

Ngumuso ako. Parang nabasa niya ang nasa aking isip kaya inunahan na niya ako.

"So you're aware about my financial status, too. I wonder why. Nag-research ka rin pala tungkol doon?" balik alindog ng panunuya ko.

"Why do you want this job, Miss Simeon?"  He's stone-cold serious his face couldn't be wounded by a single throw of a rock. His head slightly tilted. "Or...shall I address you another surname now?"

Inayos ko muli ang aking pagkakaupo. Namumuo na ang pawis sa aking batok at malapit nang kumulo ang init sa aking mukha. I made adjusting my position an excuse so I can think of  a proper explanation. Iyong mabulaklaking mga salita.

But why ask about my surname? He didn't just assume that I'm married, right?

"I'm still Miss Simeon. And to say that I want this job, " is a lie. "Let's say I do." Whatever, Ruth. "Yet it entails a personal reason. Let's just leave this as me knowing that I can be the only one who can handle demands as complex as yours, Mr. Ortigoza. I am flexible, quickly to adapt to surroundings, I can multitask and I am wholly aware of my exemplary organisational and communication skills."

Nasa dulo na ako sa pagkilala ng aking kahihiyan kung hindi ko lang narinig ang impit na tili ni Skylar. I kind of regretted not knowing her more when we're still in highschool. She seems to be a fun person. I like her.

"I believe in her ability to make our lives easier," biglang sabat ni Cash na mapaglarong nakangisi.

We all turned our attention to him. Saglit silang bumaling sa akin nang minuwestra niya ako at nagbalik muli sa kanya.

"Well, she's every rockstar's fantasy, yah know. And her to be their P.A must be more than what pizza and sex can do shaming every faint memory of your orgasms. Every rockies are willing to be at her mercy, Dean. " He chuckled. Lumingon siya sa 'kin. "So Ruth, sugar, I'm hiring you. Be my P.A instead."

Hampas ng drumstick sa ulo ang natanggap niya kay Skylar.

"You're the least busy among us, lazy ass!"

Ngumuso lang si Cash at hinihimas ang parte ng ulong natamaan ni Sky. Somehow, their distrraction lighted up the mood.

"Is she the only applicant, Marc?"

Umikot ang mga mata ko. I almost let them hear me huffed and groan! Dean is really going to push this so as not to make me get through. Bahala siya. Gagawin ko rin naman lahat.

I thanked this new found determination of mine dahil kung wala ito, siguro ang gagawin ko'y ang umalis na sa lugar na 'to. Had they not only offered me the job, yeah, that's what I would have probably done. 

"Hindi na nga kami nakapagpaskil ng hiring announcement. Who knows what those groupies can do! They'd fake their id's and documents! And besides, Dean, I kind of actually like her for this position. She's got the guts! And..."Pinasidahan ako ni Marcus. Ngumisi siya. " The goddamn goods, my friend. One asset a P.A should have to drive groupies away." He chuckled.

Masaya na sana ako sa guts. Nilagyan pa ng malisya. I just hope that if I'm going to work with him, hindi niya ako pagsasamantalahan. He looks so decent in his neatly pressed light blue polo, khaki pants and clean-cut hair.

"She's an obsessed fan over my looks and fame, Marc. Which makes her one of those who faked their id's, docs and tits!  How the fuck did you forget the mad scene she did  infront of everyone?"

Suminghap ako. Ang bugso ng rebolusiyon sa dugo ko ay kumukulo at nag-uumapaw!

Obsessed fan? Over his looks and fame?! Haha!  I'm sure you can do better than that, Dean! Hindi ako nainsulto. Try harder!

But...the tits. My God! I have...very natural boobs! Tangina lang, huh.

Pinapanatili ko ang aking poise habang tahimik na humihingal. I still don't think I'd take the liberty to act like I'm part of them dahil hindi pa nga ako natatanggap. O baka hindi na.  But who says I'm gonna let it stay that way?

"At least she didn't do it amidst the band's performance. And that was after the show! Don't make a big fuss out of this just because you two have a history!"

Napatango ako sa sinabi ni Marcus na halata na ang matinding frustration. His playful side has left him.

"Why am I here then kung kayo lang din naman ang masusunod?" 

"Oh c'mon!"Marcus dramatically groaned. "You're full of shit, Dean Oh.  She'd be worth the royalty's payroll, I tell you. I know one when I see one. With your history or not, I know she can handle every living fuckeries being handed right at her through you. And goddamn!  With you alone?  You'd turn my glistening sweat into fucking creamy blood! Mabuti nga't si mama natiis ka. I can't handle all of you all at once so You. Need. Her. Period!"

Tumalikod si Marcus at pinasidahan ang buhok. The other hand on his waist. Panapos na iyon ng usapan.

"I don't need her. "

In Dean's dead cold tone being laced around his statement, I tried not to get insulted. Pero wala e, bumaon pa rin. I may look chill and poised but my heart's convulsing, trying to stay alive and connected with the ties of life.

Sa kanyang pagtayo ay tila huhusgahan niya kami sa aming paglalagyan. Purgatoryo o impyerno?  His hands on his dark jeans pockets, mabagal siyang naglakad patungo sa pinto at balik na naman sa pinanggalingan.

His slow menacing footfalls sounded like a threat for our dying day.

Damn what every little move he does can make me feel. 

"But fine. To hell with this. Kung sa tingin niyo kaya niya ako. Let her start this Monday, four a.m in the morning, with breakfast, Tim Horton's brewed coffee with two scoops of sugar and no cream prepared in a black cup. No styrofoam products. Six bottles of Jack Daniels should already be in my fridge.  First strike if my condo has a trace of any juice and soda shits and any sweet damn things. I hate sweets to death."

Namilog ang mga mata ko sa dire-diretso niyang pagsasalita habang mabagal na pumaroo't-parito. Hindi pa ako nakabawi ay nagsalita muli siya.

"A bowl of Ricola cough drops should come in handy, Orbit gum for my smoking witdrawal. And if you want to make me a sandwhich, no mayonnaise, I loath it. And since this Monday we'll have..." Huminto siya at binalingan ang acting manager. "Ano nga iyon Marcus?"

"An Acoustic night show for your new album—"

"An Acoustic night show for our new album." He resumed walking. "So lemon tea with organic honey is a must before the show, and a whiskey in a corkcicle whiskey wedge glass during and after. If the aforementioned glass is not available, have it in blade runner or Waldorf men's bar crystal glass. The ice should be in cubes."

Hindi ko alam kung alin ang hahabuin. Ang mga sinabi niya o ang karera ng puso ko. We all fell silent, agaped, as all our eyes are following his every step.

"Clothes? No polo shits and suit craps on my closet. I'll take kindly to casual suits but they should all be in black. No leather pants, just all denim, faded or dark, ripped or not, I'm cool with it."

I hope the list ends there.

"Uhm..." Tumikhim si Patrick. At sa maliit niyang tinig, "Isn't it on the backstage rider...Dean?"

Nilagay niya ang mga kamay sa likod saka siya huminto. His smile seems to be molded by a spawn of Satan. Devilish and hot red. "Nope. Those are my new list of demands. Suck it up.  Deal with it."

"Wow...sa tingin niya nalista ko iyon lahat?" bulong ko sa sarili.

"You're the P.A."

"Holy shit." Mariin akong napapikit. He heard me!

"Saan na ang sinasabi mong multitasking kung hindi mo naman iyon napanindigan? Should I fire you right now, then?"

Hindi ko siya makuhang tignan. Nairita sa naramdamang ilang at pagsuko. I can't wait to get out of here so I could scream everything outside. Nag-suicide na ang tapang ko ngayon. Pinaglalamayan na nga.

Ang mga yapak na papalapit ang nagpabaling sa akin doon. His combat boots halted right infront of me. Nanatili ang tingin ko roon.

"Felicitations, Miss Simeon. And good luck.  Welcome to hell."

Nakakabinging katahimikan hanggang sa siya'y nakalabas na ng studio. I could feel the eyes pointing at me right now. The pressure is burning in my chest. Iba't ibang imahe ng paghihirap na ang naglalaro sa isip ko, and it burned my chest even more.

Bakit sa tingin niya ay dapat akong pahirapan? That he was able to think that I should experience hell. Damn it! Now that I think about it, a realization transpired that he'd only thought about his pain. He is that selfish! He is that self-centered. He doesn't have an idea about mine! Bakit? Nagtanong ba siya? Ni hindi niya nga ako kinamusta. He just  gorgeously proceeded into minding his hate on me. Asshole!

Padabaog akong tumayo at nagmadaling lumabas upang maabutan siya. He's already outside the studio building. Kasing sidhi ng sinag ng hapong araw ang pagkamuhi at frustration ko ngayon.

"Tell me."

Huminto siya nang magsalita ako. His back tensed. His arms moved as he clench his fist.

"Ano ba talagang ginawa ko sa'yo kung bakit galit na galit ka sa 'kin ngayon? Siguro kapag malaman ko, tulad ng gusto mo ay aalis na ako rito at hindi ka na guguluhin pa. Just let me know why, Dean. Bakit? Why do you hate me so much?"

Sa kabila ng pagpipigil ko'y nagawa ko pang makabuo ng luha. Inipit ko ang bibig upang paatrasin ang umaakyat na hikbi.

"And have it easy for you? No. You want to work for me, I'm giving you your chance."

"Stop being a bitch and face me as a man." Matapang kong asik.

Right now is not the time to regret my words. Umatras ako sa mabilis niyang pagharap sa 'kin. At mas umatras pa sa mas mabilis niyang pag abante hanggang sa ang puting pader na ang nararamdaman ko.

We were under the shade of the roof from the other buiding that blocked the sunlight for us. Ngunit sa kabila niyon ay damang dama ko ang init sa galit ni Dean na ngayo'y humihingal.

I could feel the rise and fall of his chest. That's how drastically pressed his hard, heating and tensed body is to mine. Pinangangapusan na ako ng hangin. 

Ilang sandali kaming ganoon. Exchanging hot breaths that maybe contained silent accusations and swear words, regrets and blames. Pinagpapawisan na ang aking mukha at batok.

Ang mga hingal niya ang tanging pag asa ko na may sasabihin siya ngunit hindi pa rin siya nagsasalita. He's like he's waiting for me to find out on my own kaya umiling ako. I really don't know.

Ang mabigat at marubdob niyang pagtitig ay nanatili. Pareho nitong tinutunaw ang kaninang naramdaman dahilan kung bakit nauwi ako sa gagawin ko.

I cupped his face and instantly felt the sharps and roughness  of his in my palms. Kumunot ang noo niya sa ginawa ko. A raging war has embarked around hs eyes.

"Whatever it is that I did to you...forgive me." Tumingkayad ako, inabot ang kanyang labi at hinalikan.