Hindi na ako makahabol sa usapan at mas pinagtutuunan ang kalabog ng aking puso. This has nothing to do with the loud active speakers. Every beat feels like an omen. Pansamantala kong itinigil ang pag-inom ng beer at baka ito pa ang dahilan ng aking nerbyos.

We're at the Rivero twin's residence for the after party. Nasa iisang table ang grupo namin na dating magkakaklase at schoolmates noong highschool. Ang ibang hindi nakapunta sa concert ay dito na dumiretso.

Mariin kong inipit ang aking labi nang maalala ang kaganapan kanina sa madilim na backstage. Upon reminding myself, the rise of my panic heightened. This could be the mainspring of my unease. Someone could have been there! Hindi na ako magtataka kung bukas ay may kumakalat ng video scandal!

Mas umusad ang aking pangamba. Several images made a playground out of my mind as they played; Flashes of camera, character assasination, cyber bashings, Dean's denial about us...Mabilis ang aking hininga sa walang katapusang lubid na mga imahe. Namamawis ang aking likod at kamay na aking ikinuyom.

But for what it's worth, you enjoyed what happened Ruth. Damn right. Nakakahiya mang aminin pero iyon ang totoong nagsusumiksik sa aking dugo. Gigil akong kurutin ang sarili nang maalala ang alingawngaw ng aking iyak at...si Dean.

I was drawn away from my trance when I felt a warm and almost bony hand on mine. Tinulak ko sa himig ng kasalukuyan ang aking diwa.

"And what was in Dean's mind bringing himself in to that liar? She was this sophomore nerd who turned into a swan because of her parents' eminence in the network!"

To my utter surprise, hindi ko inasahang manggagaling pa mismo iyon kay Lucia. Every soul in here knew how we were during highschool. Maybe this is part of maturity? It occurred to me that when we mature, it is easier for us to move on from the past. Pagtatawanan na lang namin iyong nakaraan na tila walang tapunan ng bola sa ulo ang nangyari. But she will always be the bitch I know. And I know she won't mind if I say it straight to her pretty face.

"The kinds of people that most of us chose to believe, Lucia, are the popular ones and those who we thought were the sweetie good girl. " one of her sidekicks before said, "And those who have a squeaky clean record of misbehaviors."

"Turns out, sila ang dapat mas hindi pinagkakatiwalaan." Sinilaban ni Lucia ng lighter ang nakaipit na sigarilyo sa kanyang labi. "Dark motives should be hidden behind an angelic exterior. That's how traitors work."

Hinawi ko ang binuga niyang usok na sa akin pa talaga dumaan. Lucia smirked at me before she made another inhale of the stick.

"But why's Dean not saying anything?" tanong ng kaklase kong nasa aking tabi.

"Dean doesn't talk. He hates explaining things. We know that he sings and acts for the truth so..."Muling humawak si Lucia sa aking kamay. "You just gotta trust him, amiga. I know I was a bitch to you before but so were you to me. Just so you know I've always liked your non plastic behavior unlike that nerd."She rolled her eyes. "'Di ba inaway pa 'yun ng kapatid mo? I learned to love your sister because of that." She chuckled.

Tumango ako nang maalala iyon. I remember how I was torn on who to defend but I ended up justifying for the fallen one.

Mali pa rin naman kasi ang ginawa ni Sue. But now that I have arrived to this knowledge of what that girl can do, maybe I should have not kept my sister from talking shit to her. Oo na, ako na masama.

Trust isn't that easy to find so as justice. The two always go hand in hand like inseperable rebellious couples shying away from the people who needed them the most. Palagi kasing naaabuso kaya pinagtataguan na rin tayo. Funny how I came to be friends with a used to be archenemy while I became enemies with the one whom I thought was a family.

"Let's forget about it, hon. You got Dean, I got my man, so we're cool." Tinapik ni Lucia ang aking kamay. Muli, ay naligaw na naman ako sa usapan.

"An Australian with a six-pack, Lucia?" The girl from my left gushed.

"Uh-huh! And I got the whole lot of goods, too!"

Nagtama ang kanilang mga bote kasabay ang maaarteng hagikhikan. Hinintay kong huminahon ang tawanan ng mga boys sa 'di kalayuan bago ako umimik.

"Congrats," bati ko kay Lucia nang makita ang tumatagingting niyang engagament ring.

So that was the purpose on why she put her hand on mine. Napailing na lang ako sa napagtanto. She will always remind me of this blonde queen bee in the movie.

"Cheers, Ruthzielle." Nilapit niya ang ashtray sa harap niya at pinagpag doon ang sigarilyo. Gusot ng pagtataka sa aking mukha nang dinikit niya ang silya sa aking inuupuan.

I tried to move my chair, baka kasi nasisikipan lang siya sa lugar niya. I stop myself when she cleared her throat.

"You've heard that Dean and I were rumored to be a thing before, right?" anito, tila sa akin lang gustong iparinig.

I don't know where she's getting with this but I nodded. May pag aalinlangan sa kanyang tinig na tila ba hindi sigurado kung importante pa bang malaman ko ang tungkol sa kanila noon.

"We kinda' are a thing but when it came up to me that he was seeing you as an official girlfriend, naisip ko na baka ginamit lang akong fling ni Dean noon para mapansin mo siya."

Kumunto ang noo ko. That sounds absurd.

"In what way? Lahat naman napapansin si Dean noon."

"Well, did you? You only dated guys outside the school, college boys at that. Dean tried his luck but your mind doesn't work like most of the girls, Ruth. Ang mga may gusto sa kanya noon, nangumpisal ng kanilang mga damdamin nang napabalitang kami. You were not one of them so, he stopped flirting with me. He tried other ways instead."

I licked my lower lip as I struggled to remember how I became close to Dean. The previous years made the memories turned so vague that I failed to bring out a certain memory.

Ang naalala ko lang na unang encounter namin ay sa kina Cashiel at mula doon, palagi ko na siyang napapansin. Not because he was being linked to Lucia.

"And my theory is, those rumors about him with other women are just to keep up the sensationalize rockstar reputation. The holy trifecta of sex, drugs and women. O siguro, mga napaasa lang din sila ni Dean, pero hinding hindi niya nasubukan. You know what I mean?" She darkly chuckled.

Nang-aasar niya akong tinulak sa braso. Iling ang sagot ko at sinubukang itulak ang usok sa ibang direksyon.

"Why not, Lucia? He's a man. He has needs," sabat ng babae sa tapat ko. I'm not close with her but she's a schoolmate.

"Well he can satisfy that need with himself. Are you seriously forgetting that he's got talented hands? Every girl he touches ignites and goes in heat, bitches!"

Maingay ang tawanan sa buong table pagkasabi niyon ni Lucia. As much as how I love catching up with the group, iba pa rin kapag nandito iyong mas malapit sa 'yong kakilala.

And speaking of, she's responsible for my phone ringing right now.

"Hello, Erika?" Tumayo ako pagkasagot. Sinuyod ko ang paningin at hinanap si Dean.

"You're in Cebu! Ba't di mo sinabi?" She sounded like a spoiled kid. Gusto kong matawa.

"Well how do you know I'm here?"

"It's on the news! The homecoming concert. Dinumog daw. And you didn't tell me!"

"Hindi rin naman kasi kita isasama. You're pregnant. And I'm sure you're husband would not allow you to travel."

"Heyyy...I heard Erika's name." Biglang sumulpot si Lucia sa aking tabi at inakbayan ako.

Sa bigat ng braso niya at sa muntikan nang pagkakahila sa akin patumba ay nasisigurado kong nahihilo ito sa walang humpay na pag inom. And her breath stinks of that chocolate scented cigaratte while she's laughing in my ears.

She whispered to me to have the phone on loudspeaker so I did.

" The highschool playgirl has finally settled down now, huh."

"The fuck? Who is this?"

"Cool...Hinulaan mo pang ako ang unang mabubuntis just because you thought I was a slut in highschool. But look who's preggy now who cannot come and drink and have a good time with the oozing hot boys who are practically getting naked right now wetting themselves with beer." Hiyawan ng mga babae sa table namin ang sumunod.

Lumipad ang paningin ko sa mga boys na tila may conference sa ilalim ng malaking puno. Beers in their hands, may ngilan nga sa kanilang wala nang pang-itaas. In the sea of testosterone, I still couldn't find Dean.

"Oh, shut up Lucia! I have a husband."

"Is he big?"

Agaran ang lingon ko kay Lucia sa tanong nito. Isa sa mga kasamahan niya ang natatawa siyang tinulak sa braso dahil sa diretsahang panguusisa.

"Oh my God, are you serious? Of course he's big!" Erika declared.

Puno ng tawanan sa buong table. I heard Erika's extended ropes of complaints as more people greeted her on the phone.

"Hey, kayo muna mag-usap. I'll get more drinks."

"Ruth naman! You're teasing me. I want to drink so bad."

"Manganak ka muna. Ire! Bilis!" asar ko bago ako tuluyang lumayas doon at tumungo sa drinks section.

Pagdating namin kanina ay walang kapantay ang saya ni Dean nang makita ang mga dating kaklase kaya hinayaan ko siyang sumama sa kanila. And now I ended up looking for him!

But time and again, familiar people kept calling my name asking for some deets. Kaway at ngiti ang tinugon ko. I couldn't engage properly when my mind's off to somewhere else. To someone, rather.

"Hey Ruth! Kamusta? Gumanda ka lalo, a."

Uminit ang aking pisngi, naging awkward bigla sa papuri. "Okay lang, enjoy the party!"

At lumusob sa panibagong batch na mga nanguusisa.

"Ruth, totoo ba iyong kay Dean at Jaillin? Akala ko ba kayo noong highschool?"

Gusto kong sagutin ang tanong nito pero hindi ko alam kung ano ang tamang itutugon. If their truth was that naging kami ni Dean ay hahayaan kong iyon ang katotohanan para sa kanila.

Umiling ako at ngumiti. "Kuha muna ako ng drinks."

Agaran akong nag iwas para hindi makita ang disappointment sa kanila.

Marami pang tumawag sa akin ngunit dire-diretso ang aking lakad at nagkunwaring nabibingi sa tugtugin galing sa speakers. Sinasabayan ko ang kanta para mas effective.

I scanned the available liquids in the table. I'll choose something to relax my nerves. 'Di ko akalaing mas marami pa palang mang-uusisa rito kesa doon sa Maynila. Truly, we're caged in by these gossips.

"Nandito daw brother ni Dean? Ba't di ko siya nakita?"

Nilinga ko ang nagsasalita sa 'di kalayuan. Two women sitting together in one table and weren't familiar to me. I'm sure the band knows them dahil kilala nito si Kiefer.

I strained my ears against the loud EDM music habang pinupuno ng tubig ang aking baso.

"Yeah, I saw him nung dumating siya. He's with his army friends. I think he went straight to his brother."

Uminom ako ng tubig. Mas nilapit ko ang sarili sa kanila upang humugot ng impormasyon. The crowd is getting louder, lalo na iyong grupo na pinapaligiran si Cashiel.

"You know what? I saw him three days ago when I had my vacation in Bohol. Ugh! He looked so damn good in his army uniform! A huge man, girl! Matatapon niya ako pabalik sa bahay namin mula dito sa isang sampalan lang!"

Kita kong pinakita nito ang kanyang cellphone. Perhaps she took a stolen shot of Dean's brother.

"Wow...with those arms, I bet he could."

Parang iyan lang ang tanging magiging paksa ng kanilang usapan kaya umalis na ako. I caught Sky laughing with her carribean blue-haired friend. Hinanap ko sa kanila si Dean at tumuro ito sa loob ng bahay.

Nothing's monumental inside but a few people lazily catching up. Nahagip ko ang tatlo sa gilid ng spiral staircase at nalulunod sa panlalaking usapan. It was like the GQ models are holding a conference with the sight of the three.

Si Dean ang nagsasalita at tanging may hawak na whiskey glass. Umiiling si Wilmer at mukhang natatawa samantalang si Kiefer ay nakahalukiphip at nakangiti ang mga mata habang umiinom sa beer bottle.

The younger brother saw me first. Mabilis nitong naibaba ang bote nang ako'y ngumiti. Binalingna niya si Dean at siniko kaya naputol ang pagkukuwento nito.

Bago pa niya ako malingon ay nahablot ko na ang baso ng alak mula sa kanya at pinalitan iyon ng baso ng tubig.

"Drink that. Kanina ka pa alak nang alak. Kakanta pa kayo mamaya."

Matagal niya pa iyong tinitigan bago nagawang inumin. He licked his lips then smirked at me. Pinulupot niya ang braso sa aking baywang at dinikit ako sa kanya.

Uminit ang pisngi ko nang maramdaman ang kamay niyang lihim na pumipisil sa aking baywang.

"Remember her, Kai?"

Umangat ang dulo ng labi ni Kiefer. I could see the amusement seeing me and his brother together again.

"Who wouldn't? She obviously grabbed your eyeballs the first time she walked in the hallways of your classroom. Freshmen year, recess."

"Oh, shut up,"Dean groaned.

Tiningala ko si Dean na hindi makatingin sa 'kin, namumula ang mukha niya na kumalat sa leeg. Rinig ko ang pagngisi ni Wilmer.

"Hi, Ruth. Musta?"

Nilihim ko ang aking pangingilabot nang marinig ang mas malalim na niyang boses. Naalala ko tuloy si Erika at ang pagkagusto nito. I definitely should call her.

Nilahad niya ang kanyang bote, tinama ko roon ang whiskey glass na hawak ko.

"Hey, soldier."

He arched his brows as he went back to Dean. "But I heard the rumors, kuya. Don't mess this up. I mean you got your girl, man."

Umiiling ito habang inaangat ang bote sa nakaawang na niyang bibig.

"Mas mukha ka pang kuya kesa diyan,"ani Wilmer.

We still haven't talked about what happened the last time he was in Dean's condo.As if he wants to engage in a conversation with me knowing we never liked each other. At mukhang hindi pa rin siya kinakausap ng kapatid ko.

"With these arms alone,"sabay pisil nI Wilmer sa braso ni Kiefer. "You really got ripped, bruh. Any tips? Ilang benching ba ang ginagawa mo sa kampo? You don't take any steroids, do you?"

"225? And holy fuck, no. No steroids."

Tumawa si Dean, inaanod niya ako sa galaw ng kanyang balikat. "Fuck Will, kung makapisil ka sa braso ni Kiefer ay para kang hind nakabuntis ha?"

"Wait, what? You got a girl pregnant?!" Kiefer stepped back and turned to Wilmer.

Natawa ako sa ekspresyon nitong hindi makapaniwala. Para bang inamin ni Wilmer na nagpakasal siya sa isang lalake.

Ngumiwi si Will " Natural. That's a man's contribution. We produce offsprings."

"He knocked Ruth's younger sister up and the kid's going seven this year." Sinubukang agawin ni Dean ang whiskey glass ngunit nilayo ko ito sa kanya na hindi siya binabalingan. He chuckled and pulled me closer.

"Holy shit! All this time, akala ko si Dean ang makakabuntis nang maaga."

"Fuck you!" Dean playfully punched his brother's arm.

"Dean, tone down the curses. Para kang sinusuwelduan ng presidente sa tuwing nagmumura ka," mahina kong saway sa kanya.

Tumawa lang ito ngunit mabilis ring napalitan ng simangot. Tinatapik tapik niya ang aking likod at kung hindi pa lumalim ang pagtatagpo ng kilay ay iisipin kong may kahulugan ang kanyang kinikilos.

"You're sweating..." aniya, he crumpled the clothe of my shirt to confirm it.

Nagkibit lamang ako. Everybody sweats and I don't get why he sounded like this should be a big deal.

Dean excused himself after he told me to stay put. Hindi pa ako nakapagsalita ay nakaalis na siya. The two didn't seem to mind and just carried on with their manly conversation.

It didn't take long for him to come back. I thought he went out to grab another drink pero sa halip niyon, napanguso na lang ako nang makitang may dala siyang white towel.

Wala akong imik nang hinawakan niya ako sa balikat at pinatalikod sa kanya. Kaharap ko sina Will at Kai na biglang natigil sa pag uusap upang panoorin si Dean na nilalagyan ng towel ang pawisan kong likod.

"You're effin' into deep, bruh." Kiefer chuckled while drinking his beer.

"Keep talking."

He tapped my back once again as if trying to set the towel in place. Hindi ako makaiwas sa init na sumanib sa aking mukha nang niyakap niya ako patalikod at suminghot sa aking buhok. He squeezed me then put his chin on my shoulder. Flashbacks of the things we did in the backstage turned out to be the gasoline of the fire and speed of my heartbeat.

"Now, where were we?" He asked the two playfully. Ang hininga niya ay sinasayaw ang buhok ko na kumikiliti sa aking leeg.

The night was still young from that moment. May naka set na maliit na stage para sa pagperform muli ng banda. Wilmer didn't come back, maliban sa panay na ang hikab nito, Dean said he went to see my sister and Arrow. I made a call to the driver prior to that to send him to our house at pinabalik ulit sa Guadalupe para ihatid kami sa hotel. I lose track of what time the party ended.

I didn't consume alcohol. That's what I know. I didn't even finish my beer due to my almost panic attack.

Naalala kong sinauli ni Lucia ang aking phone at bago ko pinutol ang tawag ay nilahad ko pa iyon kay Kiefer para mag-usap sila ni Erika. Echoes of laughters and teases wrapped around my whirling brain. I hope her husband didn't mind. That was a drunk move but I wasn't drunk.

Aware of my withered limbs, I stared at the ivory white elegant ceiling. Pilit kong sinariwa ang mga kaganapan na nagpauwi sa akin sa ibang kwarto at nabungaran si Dean na nagpu-push up sa balcony.

Dinadaing niya ang bawat pagbibilang. And God forbid how that raspy voice reminds me of so many obscene images. Isipin ko pa lang ay sinasakop na ako ng pangingilabot. A particular heat pooled at the very core of my being.

Mariin akong pumikit ngunit umigting lamang ang mga imahe sa madilim na paningin kaya dumilat na lang ako at tumunganga. Hindi ako makalingon at hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kinakalma ko ang sarili.

Mata ko lang ang iginalaw ko na bumaba ng tingin sa aking suot. A relieved breath washed over me seeing I am still in my clothes from last night. I would have been embarassed myself if I wear different clothes or with nothing at all, to think that I could hardly remember how I ended up here.

Kinukusot ko ang antok sa aking mata at nilingo ang balcony. Dean's leaning gorgeously against the frame of the sliding glass door. Ang manipis na puting kurtina roon ay inuugoy ng sariwang hangin at ganoon din ang buhok ni Dean. The room we're staying in is beach-fronted.

"Morning..." he greeted, his low-lidded eyes are smiling.

Binati ko rin ang kahihiyan sa sarili ko nang pinasidahan ko siya mula ulo hanggang paa. His checkered boxers was hanging low and was very short for a tall man like him. Nahagip ko ang daloy ng pawis sa de-tattoo niyang dibdib.

My eyes made a trip to every ink, trying to read them one by one but looks like they're from a different language except the capital V, a Roman numeral of number five— inked on his left pelvis.

Nang magtama ang paningin namin ay umangat ang kaliwang kilay niya. He tilted his head to the side with his narrowed eyes, as if asking me if I'm done checking him out.

Kahit hindi naman ako sigurado ay uminit pa rin ang pisngi ko kung iyon man ang sa tingin niyang ginagawa ko.

Well, iyon naman talaga.

" I should be in the other room. May ginawa ka ba sa 'kin?"

Natawa siya sa sinabi ko. I fought my smile to come out and be his laughter's playmate.

Hinila niya ang sarili sa pagkakasandal at lumapit. Dahan-dahan na rin akong umupo upang sana'y salubungin siya. My heartt raced when he finally neared and caged me in between his hands locking on each side of me in the bed. I can only stare at his androgynous face set on a hard angled canvass.

Namumungay ang kanyang mga mata habang nakatutok sa nakaawang kong labi. A strand of dirty blonde hair decorated the side of his face.

Kaagad kong tinikom ang bibig ko, nahihiya nang maamoy ko ang mabango niyang hininga. His breath already smelled like mint mouthwash while mine reeked of death!

"I only did this last night..."Dinampian niya ako ng halik sa labi. Tikom pa rin ang aking bibig. " You fell asleep in my shoulder so I carried you here."

Hinila ko ang aking mukha at tinakpan ang aking bibig. "Hindi ako naggising?"

His mouth curved downwards when he shook his head. "I don't want you to, anyway. So you could sleep beside me."

I rolled my eyes. Of course you would do that, Dean. You will always find a way. But I suddenly remember what Marcus said.

"Marcus? Cash..." I trailed off. The instant bout of worry of who might have seen us, of Dean carrying me inside his hotel room, threw me to the edge of dull mood.

"Umuwi si Marcus ng Lahug. Cashiel...he's with Sky in the other room." Kinawag niya ang kanyang kilay. Hinaplos niya ang aking pisngi at pinatakan ako ng halik sa ilong. "Hungry?"

Umiling ako, tipid na ngumiti. I'm already full just by eating worry; sa pagbisita kay Dad, mga tsismoso, at limitadong oras namin dito sa Cebu bago kami bumalik sa Manila.

"By the way, baby zoo called." Kinuha niya ang phone ko sa bedside at binigay sa 'kin. Tumalikod na siya at binalikan ang pagwo-work out.

His sexy bed hair makes my heart act crazy and wild I can't put the beat to a calm pace. Para siyang galing sa ano...basta. It's attractive for me.

Hindi ko pa rin maitatawag na tuwid ang kanyang tindig ngunit nag-aangat ito ng otoridad na kayang magpahila ng atensiyon. He still has this confident and arrogant stance that only him could possessed. It would seem like an impersonation from someone who has the same stance as him. He is the original.

Mabilis kong niyuko ang ulo sa phone nang tumingin siya dito. My hands trembled while trying to get to the message icon. Sa text ni Sue ang mata ko ngunit sa tawa ni Dean ang atensiyon.

"What?" pagalit kong tanong.

He was grinning like a lovesick fool. His arms crossed against his chest with sheer confidence . Nainingkit ang berde niyang mga mata sa maliwanag na sinag ng araw.

"You're staring at me..." And he seems so sure about that.

"Hmp! Hindi kaya. Assuming ka, Dean."

Umirap ako at ngumuso. Ano ba 'tong text ni Sue?

"Really? I could tell, Ruth. Hindi kita nababasa but I could feel your stare."

I made an animated face. "May mata ang tattoo mo? Amazing."

Lalo siyang natuwa. He's already in plank position and is ready for another set of push-ups. My stomache waved together with how the muscles in his upper arms flexed as he pushed himself up and down. Tila umaalon din ang Equals sign tattoo niya sa braso.

"Please cut your hair , " sabi ko nang mapuna ang nakatali na niyang buhok. "Ayokong mas mahaba pa iyong buhok mo kesa sa buhok ko."

Huminto siya at tila ang lalim na ng iniisip nang bumaling sa akin. He pulled himself to stand. Pinagpag niya ang mga kamay bago nilagay sa balakang at tinitigan ako.

"I'll think about it. I actually love how it felt when you pulled my hair when I ..."

Hinagisan ko na siya ng unan bago pa niya matapos ang sinasabi. Tawang tawa siyang nakaiwas at hinagis pabalik ang unan sa kama. Kinuha ko ito ay niyakap, naging karamay ko sa kanyang pang-aasar.

Binagsak ko ang sarili sa pahiga kama habang patuloy pa siya sa kanyang kaaliwan. I get to finally focus on my sister's text message sent an hour ago.

Sue:

You could have seen dad's face when I told him about Wilmer as Arrow's father. Akala namin ay susugurin ulit namin siya sa ospital. Thank God we're able to calm him down. We're in talking terms now after dad punched him. Anyway, how's the concert?

Me:

Akala ko nasabi niyo na?

I turned to Dean while waitng for Sue's reply. Mouth slightly parted, he's looking up to the sky as if he's in a tv ad for summer. Tumatalsik ang pawis niya nang iniling ang kanyang ulo saka pinasidahan ang buhok.

His muscles waved along with his movement. Nanuyo bigla ang lalamunan ko.

I wondered about his other work outs. A man doesn't just acquire that perfect V-line without a heavy activity. At hindi lang naman siya inire ng ina niya na may ganyan nang nakaukit sa kanyang katawan. He must be into something like some mixed martial arts that I haven't heard of.

Sue:

Change of plans. We decided to tell him last night, kung before sa concert kasi ay baka magtaka ang mga tao sa bruises niya sa mukha. He can't just look like a beat-up kid on the day of their concert.

Imbes na mag-reply ay hiniga ko ang phone sa dibdib ko.Wala sa sariling kinakagat ko ang aking kuko, nagdadalawang isip sa mga sasabihin ko kay daddy.

Maybe there was really nothing to tell after all. Maybe...this isn't important to us anymore. Tinatanaw ko ang sarili na kaharap si dad. Pakiramdam ko wala namang magbabago dahil kahit anong mangyari, mananatili kaming tatlo lamang sa iisang pamilya. Matagal ko nang naintindihan kung bakit hindi nagawang ipaglaban noon ni daddy si mama, at mas naintindihan ko lang ngayon sa mga nalaman ko. I even understood why he lied about it and I never found a piece of anger towards him. My father is after all, a righteous and a very strong man.

Nagawa ko pa rin siyang bisitihan bago ang flight namin mamayang alas diyez ng gabi. He's done a lot for us, and I will do this keeping for him. Ayokong ma-disappoint siya na alam ko na. Ano pa bang silbi ng paglilihim niya kung malalaman ko lang din naman? So I decided to just pretend that I knew nothing.

"So you're working with that American guy?" tanong ni daddy habang kumakain kami sa aming back garden.

Sa gilid niya si Arrow na naglalaro ng games sa tab. Wilmer must have gave that to him.

"Dean, dad. Yes, I'm working with him," I said.

Kung bakit hindi niya mabanggit ang pangalan ni Dean hanggang ngayon ay palaisipan pa rin sa akin. Though, he never showed any ill-feelings towards him.

"Buntis ka rin ba, Ruth?"

Nabilaukan ako at agad inimnan ng tubig. Sumabog ang tawa ni Sue sa paligid na nagpaangat ng tingin ng anak niya sa kanya.

"Hindi po!" nauubo kong tanggi. "What made you think I'm pregnant, dad?"

Kinakabahan nga ako isipin ko pa lang iyon. At the same time, I couldn't help but imagine Dean carrying a baby. Our baby!

"Bubuntisin pa lang daw siya." Si Sue. Tinaliman ko siya ang tingin.

Dad tore a piece of bread and fed it to Arrow. "If ever you're pregnant, sabihin mo sa akin nang hindi naman ako mabigla. And tell me about the father , too. Baka doon mo pa lang sasabihin na nakapaglakad na ang bata.

Nang-aasar kong nilingon si Sue na ngayo'y nakayuko at pinaglalaruan ang pagkain.

"Okay dad...but I'm not pregnant, okay?" I assured.

"At least, not yet," dad said, as if he knew it's going to happen soon. I don't know why I'm not even scared.

Puro song recordings ang nilalaman ng mga sumunod na araw. We're in the Vinyl's recording studio back in Manila trying to figure out some tunes for the songs they're going to include in the deluxe edition of their current album.

The cheating rumors about Dean has not yet subsided, pero may panibago na namang tsismis tungkol sa kanya. Dean told me to pay no mind so that's what I've been doing.

"Mas maganda kung A-minor, e. You try it Cash," si Wilmer.

Dean's infront of the piano. Lips pursed, he's scratching his rough-looking jaw. Ang focus nito ay hindi na sa dalawa. He is in his deep-thinking expression.

Nagmumukha siyang napaka-seryosong bata na naa-out of place sa isang grupo at wala siyang pakialam doon.

Hindi niya ako nakita nang lumabas ng studio D. I just recenty purchased their album and I am currently playing them on my phone.

Umupo ako sa dulo ng hagdan nang nagsimula ang intro ng last track. The slow acoustic guitar strumming made me smile and cry at the same time. Nagkaroon ito ng beat pagkatapos ng first chorus. Then the rhythm guitar plucking entered on the second chorus.

The undertone of piano exudes pain and heartbreak. Manhid na ako kung wala akong maramdaman lalo na noong medyo pumaos ang kanyang boses nang mag-falsetto. It's as if the pain made him sing it less.

On the whole, the song has ansgt, pain and was melancholic. But I was taken aback at the reversed part of the song where Dean was screaming.

"Si Dean nakaisip niyan. I don't know how he was able to come up with that idea," ani Patrick.

Siya agad ang pinuntahan ko dahil abala ang lahat sa recording. Isa rin kasi siya sa likod ng soundboard sa tuwing nagre-record ng vocals si Dean kasam si Marcus pero nagpaiwan muna ito sa Cebu.

"What do you want me to do?" he asked.

"Reversed it. Why did Dean come up with that reverse the lyrics idea?"

Patrick shrugged, prente siyang nakaupo sa swivel chair. "I don't know. He likes the style, maybe? And so far, sila pa lang ang banda na nakagawa nito sa bansa. They totally make history on every album."

I agree. But I still want the song reversed so I can understand the lyrics.

It was an easy task. Naka-save pa ang original song sa PC. They attached a reversed effect on that particular part of the song. Maganda naman itong pakinggan pero kuryoso pa rin talaga ako sa kahulugan nito kapag ire-reverse ulit.

"Here." Pinasuot niya ako ng headphone upang marinig ito nang mas malinaw.

Beside the white tower

Guiding lights for sailors

Crashing waves on cliff hangovers

Sixty three seconds and three hours

"What?" I whispered. Am I hearing this correctly?

I adjusted the headphones. Baka nagkamali lamang ako ng rinig. Paulit ulit kong binalikan ang parteng iyon. I know this is just a song but I know Dean enough. Dito niya sinasabi ang hindi niya kayang sabihin sa pag-uusap. He sings his feelings, of what he actually mean with everything that he wanted to say.

But I came up with the same "Three hours..."

A wave of cold crashed in my system. No, this is not true...I was there!

"Oh no..." I shook my head, trying to deny what I am hearing.

Marahas kong tinanggal ang headphone at halos itapon na ito sa mesa. I wish that thing is dysfunctionalat mali lang iyong narinig ko!

"Print the original lyrics," I strictly commanded Patrick.

"What?"

"Do it."

Huminga pa siya nang malalim bago ginawa ang inutos ko. Inip akong naghintay at nang matapos ay mabilis kong hinablot ang papel.

"Ruth, what are you doing?"

Nag martsa ako palabas ng studio at hindi na siya nagawang sagutin. Mas nanlamig lamang aking kalamnan. Ano 'to...is Dean lying? At kailangan pa niyang itago sa pagbaligtad ng lyrics? Walang ibang laman ang isip ko kung 'di ang pagkumprunta sa kanya!

Gumapang ang lamig pababa sa nanginginig kong tuhod at mga paa nang pinasok ang Studio D.

"Everybody out! I want to talk to Dean." I screamed. Matagal bago sila tuluyang huminto at binalingan ako.

" We're recording—"

"Out!" I cut Wilmer in and pointed to the door. "Dean, stay," mariin kong utos.

Unang lumabas si Skylar na halatang nagimbal ko. Cash tailed after her and the stubborn Wilmer was the last to follow.

Tahimik at seryoso ang paninitig sa akin ni Dean habang papalapit ako. He's unperturbed by my angry advances. He appeared so serious and calm while I am on the verge of breathing fire!

"What do you mean by this?" Tinapon ko ang papel sa piano.

Tumitig pa siya sa akin bago nagawang kunin ang papel at basahin ang nakaprintang lyrics.

"Why do you have to lie about that?" I accused.

"Tell me more. What should I lie about?"

"Sixty three seconds and three hours?" I asked incredulously.

I couldn't read him. He didn't even seem bothered and just lazily dumped the paper as if it was the most inconsequential thing in the world!

Buntong hininga niya akong tiningala. He looked tired. Pakiramdam ko ay pagod rin siyang makipag usap at mas gusto na lang niyang mag-isip.

"The lyrics is in reverse. No one should know about it."

"Bakit? Dahil hindi iyan totoo? Of course it's not!" Walang aliw akong tumawa. "Dahil nandoon ako! I looked for you but there was no sign that you waited for three hours, Dean!"

Umatras ako nang padarag siyang tumayo at umikot sa piano upang mas maharap ako. His look of exhaustion a while ago got quickly promoted into annoyance.

"I thought we've settled this already? Kaya hindi na kailangang pag usapan. We're done with this issue and I wasn't mad that you weren't there—"

"Nandoon nga ako!" giit ko. "Hangga't paniniwalaan mo na hindi ako sumipot ay hindi ko 'to titigilan. I was there, Dean! I went to the lighthouse!"

"Paano ako maniniwala kung hindi kita nakita?" mahinahon ngunit tunog nang-aakusa. "And it's true that I waited for you for three motherfucking hours under the damn pouring rain!" His voice thundered around the room.

My growing submission for him silenced me. Yumuko ako sa kahihiyan kahit hindi ko pa napatunayan na ako ang mas nagsasabi ng totoo. But Dean seems so sure that he really waited for me.

"I don't understand," I whispered more to myself. "I was there...five o'clock on a Sunday."

"Why on a Sunday? Saturday was the plan."

Napaangat ako sa lamig ng boses niya. I looked at him in utter confusion. Dean was staring at me like he was also finding it so hard to understand why I went there on a Sunday.

"Y-you texted me. May video call ka galing Berklee, so you had the wedding cancelled and move the date to Sunday instead."

Umigting ang panga nito. Parang akong nauupos na kandila sa biglang pagdidilim ng kanyang ekspresyon. His intense eyes, the way his thin lips shutted tight, ang humihigpit nitong mukha tila pinipigilan ang sariling manakit, everything in him...fuels me to acquire a series of phobia. I fear him now.

"I did not text you."

Naramdaman ko ang sariling nasalo ang hininga. Wala akong maisip na sabihin sa kanyang kumpirmasyon ngunit may nanaig na isang katanungan.

"I. Did not. Text. You." A growl rumbled in his chest.

I know that now.

"Who sent me the message on that day, then?" tahimik kong tanong, nanghihina sa nalaman at galit para sa kung sino man ang gumawa nito.

Dean didn't speak. Huminga siya nang malalim at ibinaling ang paningin sa pader. He is looking at it sharply, as though he's ready to attack on whoever barges in. Tila iniipon niya lahat ng pagmumura sa panga nitong umiigting.

"Goddamn it!"