"Dean, tara na! Hindi na iyon sisipot. Gabi na!"

Hinayaan ko si Wilmer sa kanyang mga sinabi. Kailangan niyang sumigaw dahil sa lakas ng buhos ng ulan. It's true that it is already night time. The priest has left an hour after the rain started. But still, I am hoping.

What hope could do to a desperate heart.

My wet button down is now sticking to my skin. Tinatahan ko ang sarili sa agresibong hampas ng alon sa malalaking bato habang nakasandal sa pader ng parola, nakahalukiphip at nilalabanan ang lamig.

"I can't contact her! Puntahan na lang natin sa kanila—"

"N-no. She's not here, so that only means she doesn't...want this..."

At mahirap iyong tanggapin. Noong una pa lang ay tumanggi na siya. I should have considered that but I forced her anyway. Kilala ko ang mga takot niya at gusto kong samahan siya kung paano harapin iyon lahat. I'm willing to risk with her fears, too if she'd only let me. This kind of commitment was one of those and I want to prove to her that we will make it all the way together. Doon ko rin mapapatunayan sa sarili ko na mali ang prediksyon ng karamihan tungkol sa akin.

Hindi naman siya bibigay kung hindi niya gusto ito. So there is this silver lining that somehow she wanted this, too.

Pero bakit? Bakit ganito? Why are you doing this to me, Ruth? What are you doing?!

"There must have been an emergency—"

"A phone ring could have been of help." I turned to Will. Malabo ang bulto niya sa aking paningin dahil sa bagsak ng ulan. "She didn't call."

His face is unreadable as he stared. Whatever he is thinking, I'm sure he'd rather not voice it. Dumidikit na rin ang basa niyang buhok sa kanyang ulo.

"Anong balak mo?"

Gusto ko pang maghintay kahit nilalahad na sa akin ang pagsuko. Ang tingin ko lang sa sarili ko, ay ang tanga tanga ko! Babae, naisahan ako? Ginawa sa 'kin 'to?!

I exposed myself to the heavy ranfall and kicked out of nowhere. Hinarap ko ang pader upang suntukin nang ilang beses. Sumigaw ako sa galit! Sa sakit. Sa kawalan. Marahas kong hinilamos ang basang mukha at kinagat nang mariin ang labi hanggang sa malasahan ang dugo.

Damn you, Ruthzielle. Damn you!

Pagod ang naramdaman nang binagsak ang likod sa pader. I could still wait. Five minutes. No, make it ten...Or one hour...one more hour...

"Dean, it's five past eight, " tahimik na sabi ni Wilmer. I could tell the underlying afterthought based from his face.

Ilang sandali kong pinapakiramdaman ang ulan. Sa madilim na paligid na hindi naaabutan ng kaunting ilaw ng poste, maaaring nagtatago siya roon.

"Ruthzielle!" sigaw ko.

She might be hiding in the dark places, on those corners. Kasi hindi ko pa rin tanggap na gagawin niya sa'kin 'to! Hell! Did I ever cheat for her to do this to me? No! What made her think that I deserve this? Ruth, why?

"Dean, tama na. Hindi na siya darating..." Tinapik ako ni Will sa balikat, tahimik akong kinakaawaan.

Umigting ang panga ko nang unti unti iyong rumehistro sa akin. Kung may plano man siyang sumipot, she should have been here hours ago. Hindi niya paaabutin ng tatlong oras!

Clearly, she has no intention. There is no way I would accept that.

I dug for the ring into my pocket.

I watched how it falls to the concrete ground.

Tinalikuran ko ang lahat sa gitna ng ulan.

The loud ring of my cellphone jolted me out of my nightmare. Sandali akong tulala bago nilingon ang ingay sa aking bedside. Nahagip ko pa ang oras. Four' clock in the fucking morning! Bwiset.

"Who's this?" inis kong bungad. Pumikit ako at hinihilod ang sentido.

I couldn't help the irritation as I sank back on my bed, heavily exhaling the pressure.

"Jillian."

Kumunot ang noo ko at sinilip ang phone. She's calling from the Philippines and why is that?

"How did you get my number?"

"Uhm...I asked this from your mom. Hmm, friends kasi sila ng parents ko so...you forgot? May dinner pa nga noon—"

"Magkaibigan ang mga magulang natin pero tayo hindi. So I don't see why this call is that important."

"Because it's about Ruth."

I froze midway from massaging my temples.

"What about her?" malamig kong tanong.

Inasahan kong nagtatanong siya tungkol sa akin. Inasahan kong humihingi siya ng tulong dito sa kapatid niya upang makausap ako. Heck! I expected for her to regret for ditching me and take me back!

"I saw her with someone, a guy..."

Humalakhak ako. "Bullshit , Jillian."

"W-what...?"

Huminga ako nang malalim at buong inalay ang katawan sa kama. Umiling ako. Damn...how I hate pathetic girls.

"Hindi nga ako binabalitaan ng mga kaibigan ko tungkol sa kanya pero ikaw na hindi ko kaibigan ang magsasabi pa sa 'kin nang ganito? Seriously, what are you up to?"

Gusto ko nang putulin ang tawag. But for some reason, I can't.

"Y-you're assuming things, Dean..."

"Or you are..." patuya kong sabi. "Why are you telling me about her being with someone? A guy, you say?"

"Because you have to know."

My eyes narrowed at the ceiling. Do I really have to? Pwede namang hindi na ipaalam sa akin, 'di ba? Unless there is a motive.

Why do most people think I'm stupid? I'm not dumb, Jillian. I could be an asshole but I am definitely not dumb!

Ruthzielle is still my fiancee. Oo at nagalit ako sa hindi niya pagsipot ngunit hindi rin iyon nagtagal. I may have left the country but I never broke things with her. Dahil kung ginawa ko iyon, ibig sabihin ay mapapakawalan ko siya.

I ended her freedom the day I saw her at Cashiel's house and we shared a small talk. Sa mga taon na tinatanaw ko lang siya, doon ko siya hinahayaan sa mga gusto niya upang hilain at ikulong sa akin sa huli. Because I know right now we are in our right age.

Which means, akin pa rin siya. May ugnayan pa rin kami. And I mean to go back to say sorry for feeling angry towards her.

And I will ask her hand again in marriage.

Yet in going back, I was met with a scenario that gave me years hell worth of nightmares and heartache.

Bumuhos ang masidhing poot sa aking puso. Ganon kadali para sa 'yo, Ruth? Tangina wala pa ngang isang taon! But who am I kidding? She didn't, not even a shadow, show herself in our wedding! So siguro sa mga araw na inaasikaso ko ang kasal namin ay may balak na siyang indyanin ako para diyan sa lalake niya!

To call her obscene names sat comfortable at the edge of my tongue. Kaya naiirita rin ako sa sarili ko dahil hindi ko magawa! Nanginig ang mga kamao kong sumuntok. Lalo na't kitang kita ko ang bawat lapat ng mga labi nila sa harap ko! Tangina!

Sinundan ko sila. Mariin ang pagpigil nina Wilmer sa akin ngunit hindi nagtagumpay. I shouldn't be talking to him right now but I changed my mind when I found out that he was rushed to the hospital for I beat him two days after kissing Ruth.

He has served his punishment, alright.

At ngayon,may bago na naman akong bibiktimahin.

Finding out about her father's condition could have subsided my anger but didn't when I caught her and that boy together inside the ICU. She was sleeping, with her head leaning on the asshole's shoulder.

And he was holding her hand like a real lover.

I brought the storm as I walked out of the room. I don't know what to think of her anymore. Is this her plan in the first place? To ditch me in our wedding after making me think she agreed to it? I am here, back again after three months to ask her once again but I guess even the thought of marriage itself has already sailed as far as possible a long time ago.

"Ortigoza!"

I stopped. So the motherfucker followed me. And he knows me, how?

I turned and thought to waste a bit of my time on him. Pinasidahan ko siya. Damn , this guy is familiar. Pinadaan ko ang dila sa ibabang labi at nang-iinsulto siyang tinawanan.

"Ex boyfriend ka lang , 'di ba? You shouldn't be here"

"I am an intern, " he boasted.

I quickly raised a brow. I see. Kita naman sa purong puti niyang suot na ang sarap mantsahan ng dugo niya.

"And it's only a matter of time before she comes back to me. Lalo na't malapit na akong magtapos. In no time, I'm going to be a doctor. The kind of guy Ruth wanted to introduce to her father..."

"Gago ka." Parang dinudurog na ang ngipin ko sa panggigigil. Endless curses are wrapping around my brain.

Sumilip ang mapangutya niyang ngisi. "Iniwan mo kasi. And now, she's willing to give it another try. With me."

"Son of a bitch!"

Lalo akong nairita dahil nahila na ako palayo. Wilmer's bigger built made it unlikely for the fight to happen. Sa higpit ng pagpigil sa akin ay hindi ko matamaan ng suntok ang lalake sa harapan na umatras lang at nakapamulsa.

How I would love to wipe that shit eating off from that asshole's face. Babalik sa 'yo si Ruth? Sige, magsama kayo! Consider yourselves gone for real!

"Just go back to where you came from, young boy. Hayaan mo na kami ni Ruth. Your break up speaks for something, don't you think? Whoever initiated it, it doesn't matter anymore. She's with me now, and that's the only thing I care about..."

Umabante siya. I tried to shrug off Wilmer's annoying muscles stopping me to no avail. Wala akong ibang magawa kung 'di ang dumaing sa galit.

"A man, Ortigoza. That's what Ruthzielle needs. Not a boy. Not a kid. And definitely not like you." He sneered. Fuck.You to the depths.

A man, you say? Just you see to it. To everyone who has underestimated me. To all of you who have discredited my potential. Just you all damn see to it, fuckers! I'd be a successful man living at the peak of my dreams. And you...you, Ruthzielle, will go after me and I will never. Ever! Look at you the same way again.

"So you're over her?"

I watched the waterfall-like cascade of amber liquid in my corkcicle wedge glas.

"Over who?" Of course I know who. I just have to play my game.

"You know..." The woman with a timeless beauty sensually chuckled infront of me.

Tinuro nito ang kamay na may hawak na kopita sa kawalan. Ang pag-aalinlangan sa sasabihin ay tinatakpan niya ng ngiti.

"You know who I'm talking about."

Oh, I sure as hell do.

"You still can't say her name? I wonder why is that..." I probed, pulling the brim in my mouth and licked a taste. Ngumiwi ako at binaba ang baso. This is not my kind of usual.

"Oh please, huwag mong ibahin ang usapan." Muli ang marahang tawa ng ginang. "Are you over...Ruthzielle?"

Bumuga ng hangin ng iritasyon ang babae sa tabi ko. Nilapag ko ang inumin sa coffee table saka inalay ang likod sa backrest ng sofa. These two haven't changed. At all.

"I can't see why not. It was a juvenile affection so it's only right that I am through with her."

"So..." Binalingan niya ang katabi ko. Excitement traced the roundness of her eyes. "Finally you could give my daughter a chance?"

Delivering a sweet smile, I turned to the woman at my side. With her hopeful eyes, is the new and improved Jillian Lopez sans nerd glasses. But she's nothing new to me. A face too common straight out of the magazine. Not the face that I always find myself losing in.

"Sure. I accept your offer, Mrs. Lopez."

"As your new manager, or as Jillian's..." I know what's after that. As always!

Ganon ba talaga kapanget ang tingin niya sa anak niya na siya pa mismo ang kailangan maghanap ng boyfriend nito? I mean, I know this pathetic one has been making heart eyes at me. And it even seemed like they were forcing me to like her. I have been attracted with girls for the past years but it was never in my spirit of consideration to include Jillian in my list. She's way out of it since day one.

But then, they've been asking for this. As a half-assed gentleman, and someone who's known to entertain people, I'll give them the show they want...

Only for them to regret asking for it in the end.

"Why can't it be both?" I have to sound like I'm game for it.

Hindi nakatakas ang impit na tili ni Jillian sa aking tabi. Her mother reflected a look of satisfaction as she stared at me, tila pinapasalamatan ako sa 'king pagpayag.

Oh, maliit na bagay. They could have seen me roll my eyes had I not been pretending.

Clear as day, they don't know how to spot a Judas. As the saying goes, keep the enemies closer. But as for me, I keep my victims closer. Kaya kung may motibo ka, magpanggap kang kakampi. Magpanggap kang kaibigan. Magpanggap kang may nararamdaman.

"Mas maganda na ba ako sa kanya?"

Tinitigan ko siya nang matagal. I could see the hope in her eyes and the blush in her cheeks. But sorry to break your heart sooner, sweetheart.

"You look...pretty."

She giggled.

"Let's go?" Her sweet voice stung my ears. Dumulas ang kamay niya mula sa aking braso pababa sa kamay ko at pinagsiklop.

I remember those days when I was still a college boy in Spain. Panay ang pagpunta roon ni Jillian. I've been rejecting her too many times but she just won't pause. She said we could be friends? But I knew better. Does she really think I'm an easy dog that could be tied in a leash just because I was once being a slave of her half-sister?

But what urged me to put up this show is the way she blab these things about Ruth. Parang ako na rin kasi ang iniinsulto niya.

"Mas maganda naman ako sa kanya, 'di ba? Why did you even like her, Dean? There's nothing special about her. She's nothing special at all."

Because I don't only look at a pretty face, Jillian. Hear that? I want someone with substance. While you...You're wearing insecurity as a pink top, and desperation as a black skirt.

Besides, a woman being beautiful won't make a man stay. A man wanting to be kept would. Sounds simple, but you have to work for it.

This wasn't supposed to be a plan. But that day her mother offered me this opportunity, given his husband as the owner of a station network company, I discussed the negotiation with my bandmates. Ginamit ko ang pagkakataon na ako lang naman ang gustong i-handle ni Elena. She did it for the sake of her preferred daughter.

Two years after our band reach the high note of success, Jillian entered showbiz. All because of me. At habang patuloy nila kaming pinapasikat, gumagalaw na ang motibo ko.

And mind you, it was not just for the hell of it. I am seriously avenging.

"You're only wasting your time Dean. Walang silbi iyang paghihiganti mo!"

Wilmer sounded worried more so than I expected. Since when did he care about my plans? He'd be the last person I expected to object. But knowing him, inaalis niya lahat ng balakid. He tried, at least and I've forgiven him for that.

"I want them to pay, Wilmer. Not in cash, of course."

"For God's sake, Ruthzielle's not dead!" bulalas niya na tila isa itong kahibangan. "She's working as a staff nurse right now. Happy. Healthy. And definitely not dying. Dean! And I thought you hate her? Tapos makikita ko na lang na gumawa ka pa talaga ng ibang account para makapag-like sa mga pictures niya sa social media? You have even saved some of her pictures! For what? For jacking off?"

Nahinto ako sa pag-strum ng gitara at matalim siyang binalingan.

Walang aliw siyang natawa. "Oh don't look so surprised."

"Umuwi ka ng Cebu?" Because how the hell did he know about Ruth's job?

Kumunot ang noo niya at madilim ang ngisi bago binalikan ang paggigitara. We are working on some songs we want to play live in a private acoustic show in the U.S.

"Stop acting like you've never checked her statuses, Dean. You've been stalking her life...social medially."

I stared at my guitar, tracing its curve is a trigger of a memory. Fine. Tahimik ko iyong inaamin. She looks even better right now. But I still hate her for not being mine.

"Wine, sir?"

Saglit kong nilinga ang server bago nilahad ang aking baso. "May whiskey?"

"Uh..." Luminga siya sa kanilang station at tinawag ang kasama.

"Nevermind. Punuin mo na lang."

"Sure ka, sir?"

Hindi pa niya binubuhos ang wine ngunit nakadikit na ang bote sa baso.

Nagkibit ako. "Baka gusto mo iyang buong bote nalang ang ibigay mo sa'kin."

Tumawa siya at ginawa na ang gusto ko.

I sipped on my third serving of Merlot while watching the cake cutting of the newlyweds.The chosen guests gladly participated as per the emcee's requests. Pati mga imbitadong media ay pili lang. Royal blue almost took up the whole Chateau By the Sea back here in Cebu since it was the motif of the wedding.

But goddamn it. It wasn't my wedding. Iyon din kasi akala ko na mangyayari, e.

I looked down on my wine only to clearly remember how I used to replace her with inebriants way back. Jack Daniels, the most. A must have. Only that images of her piles up into my dreams and nightmares as I fall asleep. It has never reached a level that could tantamount to distraction.

Umihip ang maaliwalas na simoy ng hangin. Malamig man ay pinapainit ng inumin ang aking lalamunan at kalamnan. Dusk came gradually. Series lights started to beautify the place.

"Cornelius, that's your third already..."

I wasn't able to finish the last shot. Dumating si Ruth at kinuha ang baso upang ilapag sa mesa kung saan nag iisa lang akong nakaupo. I was at the darkest corner, moping alone.

Her eyes narrowed in humored reprimand. Umirap ako ngunit nilingkis ang braso sa kanyang baywang upang ibagsak siya paupo sa aking kandungan.

I hugged her from the back while she's sitting in my lap. Her maid of honor's dress hiked up to her smooth thighs.

"You gave way to your sister again. Bakit sila ang pinauna mo? Ako ang unang nag-propose. Tsaka...tayo ang nauna. Mas matanda ka kay Sue." Ngumuso ako. I kissed her exposed shoulder. Akin lang 'to.

Hindi ko alam kung magtatampo ako sa kanya o mas lalo pang mahuhulog. I fell in love with how haughty she is. But with her selflessness, I am falling even more.

Kinuha niya ang aking kamay at hinalikan. Tila alon na bumaba ang tampo ko.

"They've already been in a relationship even before you pursued me, Dean. At may anak sila."

Inuntog ko ang aking ulo sa kanyang likod. Pumaibabaw ang kamay niya sa kamay kong nasa kanyang tiyan.

Sana pala binuntis na kita noon. Kung natuloy lang iyong kasal natin, e 'di may pitong anak na sana tayo ngayon, Ruth. Kung 'di naman ay walo kasi gusto ko may kambal tayo.

But fine, oo na lang. At least I still get to make love to her every night. Day, sometimes. And what we did a while ago before going to the church put a very big smile on my face and a true test of willpower right now in my groin—

"I have a surpise for you later..."

Napatingin ako sa kanya. Surprise? Wala akong makitang dahilan upang isurpresa ako ngayon.

"Hmm...you've rent a room for us for one night?" Hindi ko alam kung bakit iyon agad ang pumasok sa isip ko.

Damn it! I feel so immoral since this morning. Kanina ay ginawa namin iyon bago sa simbahan at ngayon, pagkatapos naman?

"Anong gagawin sa room?" inosente niyang tanong.

Mas nilapit ko pa siya sa akin, as if the space between us wasn' t enough. Humaplos ang kamay ko sa kanyang batok. Her lips parted, she slowly gasped a breath and I smiled.

I know what my come-hither stare is doing to her. And I take advantage of it dahil gusto ko rin namang nanghihina siya dahil sa akin. Gusto ko bumibigay siya. I do feel the same way to her.

Only a bite on her lip, then she can already turn me on. And her smiles drive me to fucking madness. Ano na lang kaya kung tumatawa na siya? E 'di baliw na ako.

Just you wait after this party, Ruthzielle. I tell you.

Naglaho ang ngiti ko nang mahagip ang paparating na si Wilmer. Muli ang pagbangon ng inis sa laki ng kanyang ngisi. Nagawa pang mang asar dahil ginawa akong bestman. Kainis talaga.

"Ako pa rin talaga dapat nauna, Wilmer." Mabilis kong kinuha ang wine at tinungga.

Nagtawanan sila. Ruth wrapped her arms around my neck to comfort me.

Panay ang iling ko. Inangat ko ang baso at sinitsitan ang wine server. Mabilis itong lumapit dahil na rirn siguro sa nakikitang inis sa mukha ko.

Kung alam ko lang talaga. Pero siyempre hindi ko iyon magawa dahil alam kong ayaw ni Ruth. She' s going to hate me for sure. Or not.

"Ate saluhin mo ang bouquet!"

Nabigla ako sa mabilis na pagtayo ni Ruth kaya hindi ko siya nagawang pigilan. She caught the bouquet without any effort. Mukhang mas nag-effort pa nga si Sue sa paghagis.

Wait, I thought there's this tradition game about bouquet tossing with the bridesmaids? E bakit parang binibigay lang iyon ni Sue?

Tumayo ako at hinarap si Wilmer. "Akin na iyang garter! Bilis!"

Natatawa pa iyong binigay ni Wilmer sa 'kin. Hinagip ko ang kamay ni Ruthzielle at hinila siya sa gitna. May nakahanda na roong silya. Naghahalakhakan ang mga nakakita sa ginawa ko. Ngumiti ako at winagayway ang garter.

I turned to the sound of my woman's laughter and smiled. As usual, sa mga labi niya talaga ako unang tumitingin. Her pink lipstick was lightly applied also the nude colors in her eyes. There's a floral clip in her french bun. I can already picture how she would look in our wedding.

"Hey, sugar. I missed you..."

I haven't really lived with my last words. Dahil sa huli, puno man ako ng galit, may mas nanaig pa rin. The way I have been defending her, avenging for her pain, willing to hurt these people that caused her heartaches. Despite my hate, one thing remains the same. The hate wasn't enough.

Leaving is overrated, so why can most of us do the uncommon thing which is to stay? To stay not just on the same ground but in love. To remain with your feelings until love gives up on you. Love, that may have been a mainstream thing too, but it is what the most of us have commonly malpracticed.

If love is that so easy to forget, then I'd remain with my hate 'cause that' s much harder to neglect. Kaya walang taon kong hindi pinapaalahanan ang sarili sa araw na inaakala kong nakuha na siya ng iba. I was ready to sacrifice everything for her. Name it; the band, my college degree, every single fucking thing that she wanted me to give up and still, I would live without the regrets. Dahil siya...isang Ruthzielle lang, iniipon na iyon lahat ng pangarap ko. Mga pangarap ko sa katauhan niya.

If my leaving ever did anything, it was the distance that has even enraged the longing. Is she married with that medical boy now? Mga katulad niya ba talaga ang hilig niya? Not like me who's exposed to the public eye? Not like me who is an unideal man? Am I unideal for her?

For seven years, I am still bound under the steel cuffs with the brand of R.E.S. Because in hate and in love, they are all about her.

But I maintained being livid. I've perpetuated that code with stoic resolve. Until...

"Sons of guns and motherfuckers!" My thunderous voice boomed across the backstage walls.

Sinipa ko ang upuan na tumilapon sa kung saan. It created a noisy thud against a solid thing. Sumigaw ako at marahas na hinubad ang aking shirt at pinalo sa mesang halos buhatin ko na upang itapon kung hindi lang ako napigilan.

I'm so damn frustrated! She...just—goddammit!

"Dean kalma! Ano bang nangyayari sa 'yo?"

You don't get to shout at me like that, Marcus. I am damn calm, don't worry. Bagay pa lang iyang pinatumba ko. Just you wait ' til I kick a cat!

"Siya iyon, 'di ba?!" nagngangalit kong tanong, nanginginig ang daliring tumuro sa labas. "Tell me I'm not just imagining things!"

"It's her."

Nilingon ko si Wilmer na siyang malamig na kumumpirma nito. Sunod na pumasok sina Cash at Sky na halo ang pag-aalala at takot. Maybe they heard me who's just shouted like Hulk.

"Sino ba iyon?" The out of place Marcus, asked.

Nang makita ang pagbulong ni Cashiel sa kanya ay tumalikod ako at napahilamos sa mukha. All I see is red. Hindi maipagkakaila sa umiinit kong mukha at ulo.

Mariin kong kinagat ang aking labi, kinukulong ang mga pagmumura. How dare she made me sign in her...damn it! Kung ibang rakista ako, doon din siya magpapapirma? Just—damn her! Malaman ko lang na may pumipirma ring artista diyan sa balat niya...

And why is she here, by the way? Why did she have to show her flawless face again and call me this name that I used to...fuck it! Just the memory of her breathe on my skin already made me shiver and I wanted to curse her even more!

"Dean, please kausapin mo ako."

That just blows my recovery to smithereens. Ang pangungusap sa mga mata niyang wala pa ring pinagbago. Deep rich brown and round lined with dark eyelashes that are always longer than her patience. Her bushy eyebrows are naturally done. Lush lips, a pinkish seduction awaiting to be kissed and worshipped.

And as if the flawless face wasn't enough— Curves in all their perfect places. Legs for days where I had once left my handprints on. But something has changed. It's like she had went through something and had survived it.

Akala ko ay iyon na ang huli. The last encounter has not yet done driving me into madness until she showed up again this time, in the recording studio.

"Why are you here?"

You're doing it again, Ruthzielle. That expression of yours that always means to seduce. 'Di ba ayaw mo na sa kin? Pinagpalit mo na ako? Bakit ka pa nagpakita? Bakit ganon ka magmakaawa sa akin? Your heart has finally filled with remorse because I'm famous now? Hah! Well this is for you!

"W-we have to talk about...years ago. Mali ang..."

Oh no, sugar. You don't get to tell me that 'cause I knew. Sa lahat ng ayaw ko ay iyong paulit ulit! Wilmer has murdered the repeat button of honesty from what happened that day.

But you...you just desperately sailed through the crazy crowd, fought against the bouncers just to talk? Kung hingin mo na lang kaya ang kamay ko ay pag iisipan ko pa. Pero kung pakikipag-usap lang naman pala ang ipinunta mo rito ay hindi kita pagbibigyan!

Seriously? She just wants us to talk? Talk?!

"Hmm...?"

I closed my eyes and inched my face close to hers. Tumama ang dibdib ko sa kanya sa bawat paghinga. I knew how she was deeply affected. I could hear her fear, her intimidation and desperation.

Goddamn...she still feels the same. Hearing your gasp and breathing when I do this is like an endless instrumental sound, Ruth. Kulang na lang, tugtugan ko ng gitara para maging musika. And it's going to be my anthem. With your heartbeat, it's going to be my song.

Tanggap ko pa kung kasikatan na lang ang gugustuhin mo sa akin basta ba't bumalik ka lang at magpapasikat pa ako nang husto. But if you're here just to talk, then forget about your intentions. I want you to claim me again, not just to talk to me! Wala na akong pakialam sa ginawa mo basta sa akin ka!

"It's been years, Dean..." her pleading voice harmonized with the studio's cold air.

Ruth was never soft-spoken, but there's something in her voice that makes me want to record it.

"If you still hate me up to this day, tatlong taon at magiging dekada na iyang galit mo sa akin. It's not healthy. No..."

Tinutulak ng pagsusumamo niya ang pagtitiim bagang ko. What are you really trying to beg for, Ruth? A talk, or me?

I'd rather you pick the latter.

"Can you just...m-move on..."

Nandilat ang mga mata ko. I never wanted to laugh so hard in my life but I want to punch that damn wall behind her at the same time! Move on?

Well, believe me, Ruth. I never really tried.

If she thinks that I wasn't yet a better man in highschool just because of my supposed immaturity preceded by a marriage proposal, then see me now, Ruthzielle. Seven years and still...When everyone we know believed that we're about to make a mistake. That we would fall out of love as fast as how we would fall out of it. But here we are. Here I am! At kahit yata sa kabilang buhay ay patuloy akong sawi sa 'yo. This is what you call consistency!

And now she's asking me to...

"Move on? "

Well, fuck!

Because what? She has finally gotten over me? And for her to walk herself out from the guilt, she wants me to move on, too?

"Never...." Pinagdiriinan ko ito sa kanya.

Never will I ever get over you, Ruthzielle.

"Made her sign a contract," malamig kong utos kay Marcus.

I had this flight back to Cebu to personally check the artwork album myself. I was set to go back immediately the day after.

And I am calling for this after that meeting. Tignan natin kung hanggang saan ang kaya mo, Ruthzielle. Hanggang saan ang desperasyon mo para sa pagpapaamo ng galit ko. Heck! I've never seen her so desperate like that to the point of allowing herself to submit under my demands.

"A contract..."

"An employment contract, Marcus," I pressed impatiently, hindi na yata alam kung ano ang kontrata. Perhaps, he needs Google.

"You have never issued a contract before..."

"I want to now. I'll send to you the should- be terms and conditons via email. Have them printed at the very last page..." Dahil alam kong hindi iyon babasahin ni Ruth. Hanggang first page lang siya tapos ay pipirma na.

I smirked as I ended the call. Let's see the limit of your patience, temperamental Ruthzielle.

I'm keeping you.

Tinignan ko ang kamay niya at hinaplos ang singsing bago binitawan at inalalayan siyang umupo. Nakatingin siya sa akin at nakangiti , hindi na iniirapan. Para bang excited na siyang suotan ko ng garter.

Don't worry , Ruthie. We'll get there. In fact, we might even do more. It's a private matter you would like us to share together.

I love it when she started to become so clingy to me, unlike in our teen years na kulang na lang magpatali ako sa leeg para lang masundaan siya kahit saan dahil siya itong panay na lumalayo.

I smiled back, but was mentally punching myself on how I caused her pain when I could have used all those times to make up for our wasted years of not being together. But as always, to regret is useless.

My insistence of keeping her out of the job was because I don't want her to be my P.A. Why? That would equal to her exposure to the limelight. A beauty like hers could drag a multitude of offers!

Good thing she's not into the business. Dahil kung oo man, ipapasara ko talaga lahat ng station network companies sa bansa!

But if being my assistant would call for her to stay...

Only that I have to hold the Iine of my anger. Kailangan kong magalit galitan dahil kung hindi, asa pa akong maghahabol iyan. I have to keep her chasing. I have to keep her wanting me and not just a conversation alone! Lalo na't gusto lang naman pala niyang makipag usap. Because what's next after she has settled her intentions? She'd just gonna leave? Like I would allow that to happen.

Lumuhod na ako sa kanyang harapan. She was offering me her teasing smile. Nakatitig rin ako sa kanyang saka dahan-dahang isinuot ang garter.

The people were loudly cheering. Pumapangibabaw ang boses ni Cash at sipol ni Wilmer. Nakangiti lamang ako buong magdamag.

Ganito ako dapat humingi ng tawad sa kanya noon. I want to keep up her smiles radiating her happiness. Babawi ako sa lahat, Ruth. Kahit gaano kaliit na sakit, buong buo akong babawi sa 'yo.

"Sorry..."

I knew she was awake that night. Hindi naman ako magsasalita kung hindi ko alam. I just want her to hear me. Naiintindihan kong ayaw niya muna akong harapin o makausap sa ngayon.

Ang makita siyang paulit-ulit na umiiyak dahil sa kanila ay pagguho ng mundo ko. Mga luha niya'y ulan at bawat hikbi ay kulog at kidlat sa aking dibdib. I can't keep this act for the long haul. My queen is breaking and it is my fucking death!

With the amount of pain from the abandonment of her mother, from the hurtful things people have told her , does she still deserve this...from me? God, no...

"Wala akong babayaran na utang na loob sa inyo. Kung naging mabait man ang anak niyo sa akin, it's not because I told her. I didn't ask her to like me. As it happens, I've been trying to get rid of her ever since. Pero pinalandi niyo pa rin sa akin iyang anak niyo."

"At nilandi mo rin pabalik ang anak ko!"

Malalim na hininga ang aking hinila upang mag ipon ng kakalmahan. I'm struggling to keep myself from laying a hand on either of them. Mangiyak ngiyak ang ginang na inaalo ang humihikbing si Jillian.

Nanatili akong nakatayo at matalim silang dinudungaw sa sahig, nakahalukiphip. I don't want Ruth to see this so I brought her outside. Baka pigilan niya ako at hindi ako magdadalawang isip na sundin siya.

"I only gave her what she wanted, Mrs. Lopez. So that's what she gets. A heartbreak." I smiled evilly. "It was entertaining while it lasted."

"Minahal lang naman kita, Dean!" cried Jillian.

Basang basa ang mukha niya sa luha at namumugto ang mga mata. Tumayo siya at nilapitan ako. Her knees are trembling, I noticed. I didn't budge from where I was standing.

"I threw myself into this career for you! So I could be with you..." she cried harder, halos hindi na maayos ang pagsasalita dahil ginugupo ng iyak.

All I could do is watch and blink. Wala akong maramdamang awa. Bakit kaya?

"I didn't ask you to," I said coldly.

Umawang ang bibig niya. Another tear fell from her eye and yet it still didn't matter to me.

"Pati ba ang kapal ng mukha ay pinaretoke mo na rin, Jillian? Pinadagdagan? Who do you think you are posting in the social media about Ruth going in between our inexistent relationship, huh?"

" Dahil pinaramdam mo sa akin na may tayo—"

" Oh those were lies, missy." Mabagal ko siyang nilalapitan. "Sa talino mo, hindi mo man lang ba naisip na sa ilang beses na kitang tinanggihan ay ganon na lang ako biglang magkakagusto sa 'yo?"

Huminto ako sa harap niya. Hindi siya makatingin sa akin habang tahimik na humihikbi. Nilapit ko ang aking bibig sa kanyang tenga.

" You're as fake as the lashes that you wear, Jillian. I will never like you, not in a million years..." I whispered.

Naibaon niya ang mukha sa mga kamay at humagulhol. I'd like too think she' s just overreacting. May parte rin sa akin na gustong makonsensiya. Ngunit isipin ko pa lang ang maaaring ginawa niya kay Ruth dahilan ng sugat nito sa pisngi ay pinirmi ako sa aking galit.

Marahas akong suminghap at mariing pumikit. I turned my back as I pulled my own hair and I kicked a chair because I couldn't kick them!

"Dean..." nanginig ang boses ng kanyang ina.

Huminga ako nang malalim bago sila muling hinarap. Hinila ko ang parte ng aking shirt sa dibdib at braso dahil tila sumisikip at halos hirap na akong makahinga.

"My Jillian is better with you, Dean. Please, bawiin mo ang mga sinabi mo," humihikbi na si Mrs. Lopez. Her make up is already a mess. "Tell me it's not true...my daughter's hurting..."

Pu.tang.ina.

At nagmamakaawa siya sa akin na bawiin ko ang sinabi ko? Noong nagmakaawa si Ruth, pinakinggan ba niya? This woman has lost her goddamn mind.

Umiling ako, matalim ang tingin sa kanya. And I was nowhere near apologetic when, "Too bad I meant everything I said, Tita Elle."

Napuno ng poot ang mga mata nito. Ngunit kung ano man ang nais niyang sabihin ay hindi na nagawa. Her breath was labored and her mouth is trembling maybe for the unspoken words.

They don' t deserve her. Ang lahat ng pagkukulang ng mga taong inasahan ni Ruth na magbubuhos sa kanya ng pagmamahal ay pupunuin ko. Hihigitan ko pa.

"Apologize to her. Kneel if you have to. And you, Jillian. Isang maling balita ang ipagkakalat mo...God forbid but I'm gonna do something unforgivable, I tell you," I uttered with a growl and in gritted teeth." I am very provoked, Jill. I could be an asshole. You don't want to be at the receiving end of my assholery."

Those were my parting words to both. They did what they should have done from the very start. To keep themselves away from Ruth and me and mind their own motherfucking businesses.

"Kuya Dean, I will wear that to tita Ruth...Dada gave me this garter..."

Nasa kalagitnaan pa lang ako ng hita ni Ruth nang kumalabit sa akin itong si Arrow. I was biting the garter while wearing it to her smexy thighs! My head was under her dress.

Nilabas ko ang aking ulo at tinignan ang ngumungusong bata. This kid is Wilmer's exact replica. Dinig ko pa ang halakhak ng ama niya sa paligid.

Annoyed, I tried to find them. Ngunit nahagip agad ng paningin ko ang hawak ni Arrow. A smaller garter! At saan naman pinulot iyan?

"Arrow Leviticus," tapik ko sa kanyang balikat, "I am going to marry your tita Ruth so you can't do this to her. Besides, you're her nephew. It's incest!"

His face crumpled and before I know it, tumalikod ito at umiiyak na tumakbo sa daddy niya.

"Anong ginawa mo Dean?" parang matatawa si Ruth.

Nagkibit ako at susuong na sana muli sa damit niya.

"Ba't mo pinaiyak anak ko?" sigaw ni Wilmer. The people laughed.

Hinanap ko siya at nakitang nasa elaganteng wedding stage lang pala. Kinakarga na niya ang umiiyak niyang anak habang inaalo din ni Sue. Ngumisi ako.

"Gantihan lang iyan!"

I received a middle finger but everybody was just laughing it off.

I stood by and watch the progress of the ceremony. Buong magdamag lang din akong may hawak na wine, halos hingin ko na nga ang buong bote. At sa kabila ko namang kamay ay siyempre, ang baywang ni Ruth.

Nilingon ko siya at pinagmasdan. She's teary eyed watching Sue and their father dancing. Inangat ko ang kamay ko at pinahid sa aking daliri ang luhang naglandas sa pisngi niya.

Kumurap siya at nilingon ako. She didn't seem to notice her tears. I pulled her to me and kissed her forehead.

"Sabi ko naman sa 'yo dapat tayo na lang ang unang kinasal," I whispered.

She laughed, and God knows how that drives me mad everytime to the point of being mental. Ngumisi ako sa kanya at dinala ang bibig ng kopita sa labi ko.

The music changed that only means it's time for everyone to dance. Malalim akong huminga at tamad na binagsak ang likod sa silya nang humalakhak si Ruth at hinawakan ang kamay ko.

I know this. Of course!

"No..." I groaned. Lalo lamang siyang natuwa! Her laugh can't stop making love to my ears until it reaches eargasm.

"Sige na, sayaw na tayo..." Tumayo na siya at hinila ang kamay ko.

I caught her waist and pulled her to me only to bury my head in her stomache. Hindi niya nakakalimutan na ayaw ko talagang sumayaw but she always teases me about it.

Sa huli ay nagpatianod ako. I lazily walked behind Ruth holding my hand. Saglit kong pinaunlakan ang isang miyembro ng media at nanghingi pa ng picture naming dalawa ni Ruth. Sunod ay kaming tatlo.

The buzz about Jillian has been dead since our last encounter. After her interview, minsan na lang ang appearances niya sa tv. The showbiz reporter only asked me about Wilmer finally settling down and our band plans after the tour.

" You really love to torture me, huh?" I drawled, nararamdaman ko sa sarili ang bumabagsak kong mga mata sa rami na siguro nang nainom ko. But there's no way I'm drunk.

I found a love for me

Darling just dive right in

And follow my lead

I adjusted my hands on her waist and so as her arms around my neck. Unti-unti nang pinupuno ng mga tao ang gitna ng dance floor.

"When was the last time you danced?" she asked as the slow tune started.

"Prom. With you..."

I don't have to remember. It was a knee-jerk reflex of memory.

"How about sa mga after parties niyo?" she pouted, mukhang may naglalaro nang mga imahe sa isip niya.

Tss. Nagmukmok nga lang ako noon sa gilid habang umiinom.

My hands tighten on her waist as I drawed her closer to me. Halos magtagpo na ang mga ulo namin sa lapit.

"I never danced with anyone Ruth..." Hinilig ko ang gilid ng aking ulo sa kanya.I smelled her hair.

As I've said before, though non-verbatim, I only like to dance with you and only you, Ruthzielle...

Cause we were just kids when we fell in love

Not knowing what it was,

I will not give you up this time

"And I've never been with anyone..." Wala sa sarili kong sabi, parang hinihele na ang sarili ng mga salita.

Sa tunog ng kanyang ngisi ay ayaw niya yatang maniwala. Tinignan ko siya.

"You're a rockstar, Dean. Hindi mawawala ang mga babae sa karera mo."

"Well, exclude me." I shrugged.

Nahagip ko si Cash na tahimik na umiinom at matalim ang tutok sa kung kanina. Hindi ko na natignan kung sino nang magsalita muli si Ruth.

"Paano iyong....I mean you never?" She looks so lost. Ngumuso siya. Nakakahawa kaya pati ako ay napanguso rin.

" I'm familiar with your stamina, Dean..."

Humalakhak ako. I think I know where this conversation is going!

"Do you wanna ask if I have pleased other women, Ruth? I can do it with just a smile and taking my shirt off without having to fuck them—"

"Bibig mo!" Pinandilatan niya ako.

"Hahalikan mo?"

She rolled her yes and I hugged her more, chuckling. Inuugoy ko kami, at parang kami lang yata ang nagyayakapan dito habang sumasayaw.

I have faith in what I see

Now I know I have met an angel in person

And she looks perfect, no I don't deserve this

You look perfect tonight

Kung kailan patapos na ang kanta at kailangan na naming bumalik ay saka ko pa naisip ang gustong sabihin. Ruth's arms started to lose its grip on my neck. Pinigilan ko iyon.

I caught her meetng brows. I only stared at her, oh how I can easily lose myself in her beauty. Nasa gitna kami ng maraming tao kaya mahirap sa aking hindi siya mahalikan ngayon.

I licked my lips before I spoke. Pinigilan kong ngumisi nang makita kong nakatingin siya sa labi ko.

"You know that I never really wanted to hate you, right?" I said, nagbalik ang paningin niya sa aking mga mata.

Her eyes narrowed and her lashes almost meet. "Hindi ko alam. It's normal that you hated me back then. Bakit mo nasabi?"

My mouth twitched. Tipid akong umiling. "I just want to assure you something."

We fell silent. Bumab ang tingin niya sa dibdib ko at mukhang naghahanap ng sasabihin. Pinalitan ang music ng mas mabilis na tugtugin habang kami ay nanatili pa ring mabagal na nagsasayaw sa gitna.

Now lifting my right hand, I framed the other side of her face. Iyon ang nagpabalik ng paningin niya sa akin.

"Hating is closest to feeling, Ruth. So I let it breed in me 'cause I'm afraid to feel nothing and be empty. And I know for a fact that I only love once. I'm scared to love someone else other than you. Sa'yo lang ako hindi takot magmahal. Ikaw lang ang gusto kong mahalin."

I started to panic when the unshed tears in her trembled. Pati ang mga labi niya ay nanginginig. Oh, God. I don't want to her make her cry again. But when my thumb caressed her cheek, tears fell.

"So you don't have to worry about third parties, flings and ex's. Those girls can go fuck themselves while I am here breathing you, Ruth." I kissed her forehead.

Kaya kahit manantaili man ang galit sa isip ay patuloy magmamahal ang puso. Kahit paulit-ulit mo akong tanggihan, paulit ulit naman kitang tatanggapin. Kung sa una ay nasa iba ka, sa huli, sa akin ka.

"Ate..."

Kapwa kami lumingon sa tawag ni Sue. I helped her wiped her tears as we pulled lightly from each other so she could face her sister. Kinunutan ni Sue ang pagsinghot ng kapatid saka ako binalingan at tahimik na pinagbibintangan. Behind her was Wilmer, carrying the rest of her bridal gown.

Tumuro si Sue sa wedding stage. Tila may namumuong usapan sa pagitan nila gamit ang mga mata lang.

Kakanta ba si Ruth? Frustrated singer pa naman siya. Baka ito iyong surprise na sinasabi niya sa akin. Kay Wilmer naman ay wala akong nakuhang sagot at ningisihan lang ako.

Ruth nodded at her sister before turning to me. Magkahawak ang mga kamay namin. I can't help but smile as my thumb caressed the engagement ring I gave her.

"Magko-concert ka na ba? Finally?" I joked.

Tumawa lang siya at hinila ako papunta sa stage. Nakaabang na roon ang baklang emcee na ang laki ng ngisi habang papalapit kami.

"Everyone, let's pause the dancing for a while and hear the sister of the bride for a special announcement."

Binigay niya ang mic kay Ruth saka pumwesto sa gilid para kami naman ang nasa gitna. The guests are starting to direct their full attention to us.

I fronted a rock band, played various concerts in arenas, met a millon of people and shake their hands and has listened to their stories about how they discovered our music. But I don' t understand why I feel so uncomfortable standing here infront. Siguro ay dahil karamihan sa nandito ay mga kamag anak ni Ruth.

"Good evening," panimula niya. Tuluyang natahimik ang mga tao. "I didn't mean to steal the spotlight from our newly weds but when I told my sister, which is siya ang unang sinabihan ko tungkol dito, she insisted to have this be announced right here, tonight."

Nagsimula nang magbulungan ang mga tao. May mga tumili, maybe her cousins, at may sinisigaw ang mga hinala nila.

Dala ni Ruth ang ngiti nang nilingon ako. Maybe checking if I am still breathing? Tumikhim ako at binaon ang mga kamay sa aking bulsa.

Kita ko ang panginginig ng mga kamay niya habang binubuksan ang maliit niyang purse. She's digging something. It was a white box with a green ribbon. I was smiling at the same time confused when she handed it to me.

Tinanggap ko ang box. Inalog ko pa ito malapit sa aking tenga bago dahan-dahang binuksan.

"What is this, huh..." She chuckled at my teasing drawl.

I successfully opened the box. Ngumiti ako nang makita ang sobrang liit na white t-shirt na nakatupi pa sa loob. Inangat ko ito upang makapa ang ilalim. It's a solid thing.

My smile faded as I finally pulled it from the box. Hindi agad rumehistro sa akin ang maliit at puting bagay na hawak ko. My eyes...napuwing yata ako.

"Get the shirt, Dean," Ruth whispered happily.

Bumuga ako ng hangin at ginawa ang sinabi niya. I lifted the tiny white shirt from its box and realized that there is a phrase being printed on the cloth.

'Hi, Daddy. I can't wait to meet you.'

My lips parted. I don't think I am breathing anymore as I was looking at Ruth who is now announcing about it. Nagingay na ang mga tao at pinuno kami ng pagbati. Sa sobrang saya ko ay hindi ako makangiti.

I pulled her by the waist when she was done talking and I kissed her. As always, when she grips me on my arm, I kiss her even deeply. I bit her bottom lip and sooth the bite with my tongue before sucking it. I don't care about the people anymore. I only care about her and the two of us right now.

"Please, let's go home and celebrate alone..." I whispered.

In just her seductive chuckle, I know she agrees.

I've always known that I deserve not just a good one but the bad sides and the in betweens. I always see it in Ruth. I see her sharps and smooths. Heaven and hell. Her storms and calm waves. While being good is just the half truth of who we are, she has shown me her frowns and angers, her screams and eye rolls. Her mess and frustrations. Ruth, you can love me and hate me for all you want, all at once. 'Cause I want your everything. With your flaws, perfections and being real...Indeed, there is no truth without Ruth.

She's my first everything. From love to heartbreak. From heartbreak to forgiveness. From forgiveness to reconciliation. And love in between those phases of separation.

And as I am kissing her lush lips while gently setting her down in our bed, this mouth I remember the first time she talked to me.

"Wala sa itsura mo ang marunong mag-bake." My eyes slid down too her smooth-looking legs.

In her ordinary clothes, she still looks like a goddess who could rule anyone. She likes to be praised but gets shy when being complimented. Iyon bang namumula ang kanyang pisngi at umiiwas ng tingin upang maitago ang ngiti.

Ngumuso ako nang binaba niya ang manggas ng kanyang shorts. Oh no, sugar. I've already seen that part right there.

I always wanted to be near her but I reined myself in. Dahil sa oras na malapitan ko siya, alam kong wala nang atrasan. Ikukulong ko siya panigurado. Katulad ng ginagawa ko ngayon.

"Pero nasa itsura mo ang maging pag-aari ko."

At matagal ko nang tinakda iyon sa bibliya ko.

"Dean..." She moaned my name.

While hers was etched on my skin, scarred in my heart, a downpour in my mind.

Huminto ako at dinungaw siya. Her smiling and content face illuminated from the hue of the moonlight. Her dark hair sprawled like a crown around her head. She caressed my face, while my hand glided down and stopped right in her stomache.

"I am never going to be Ruthless again..." I whispered.

Umiling siya. She pulled my head to hers and lightly dropped a kiss on my lips. "Never. Not anymore, Dean..."

Ngumiti ako at muli siyang hinalikan. Slowly and deeply. Oh and how her moans and laughters are music to my ears.

__________________________________

Thank you for jamming along with my beloved Dean and Ruthzielle. See you in Obsidian Issues Series. Godspeed. Rock and Roll.

Daghang salamat!