PART I

I pushed this nameless woman against the wall and ravished her neck. Somewhere in Europe, I'm with a groupie. I could feel her hands working on my belt and just when I started to get down to it,  I stopped.

A recalled visual of a brown eyed beauty consumed me. The image of her, firm in my mind's eye.

Bumitaw ako sa baywang ng babae at tinukod ang mga kamay sa sinandalan niyang dingding. My mind's in knots and my breathing is chaotic. Goddammit. It has always been like this! It has never gone right.

"Dean, what's wrong?" The breath of the woman's warm lust caressed my skin. Seeking hands still touching me. But I can't feel anything.

Humihingal, nag angat ako ng tingin sa kanyang mukha. First, I saw her lips. There's a slight bulge at the lower center portion of her upper lip that makes her whole mouth round and plumpy, a meaty cupid's bow.

"Ruth...?" I was confused. Or is the alcohol talking?

But this is what her mouth looks like.

"Dean...come on." She desperately grabbed the waistband of my jeans now with my shirt being discarded on the floor.

Pumirmi ako at hindi nagpahila. My brows deepened recognizing the difference. Tila namulat sa realidad ay nalaman kong ibang babae ang kasama ko. This is not Ruthzielle.

Maingay akong suminghap at tinulak ang sarili palayo. Frustrated and mad, I raked my hands on my hair. Nang huminto sa dulong hibla malapit sa batok ay sinabunutan ko ito.

"Get out." The growl rumbled in my chest. May kontrol pa ako sa sarili dahil hindi ko siya nasigawan na parang kasalanan  niya ang lahat.

"What?" I don't have to see if she looks stunned. "Dean, we've just—we're almost there..." And she sounded so brokenhearted, too.

Tumungo ako sa bar counter at nagsalin ng Cognac sa aking kopita. This should fucking calm me down. Only that in the end, I would make a fool of myself.

"Fix yourself. You know your way out. This can't go in public. Find someone else if you're really that horny." Then I chugged on the amber liquid.

Ilang sandali ang pagdaan ng katahimikan na nilibing ng tawa niyang walang lasa. I could hear the disappointment and ire that lingered along with the laugh.

"I guess what they said is true. You have a dirty mouth. Rude and crass, Dean Ortigoza."

Kung makapagsalita naman ay parang sineryoso ko siya. When I've only just met her a while ago.

My lips lifted for a sneer. Yes, I am living with that reputation. I could feel the loath radiating from you, hon. Sa nararamdaman ko ngayon ay wala na akong panahaon na pakialaman ang damdamin mo at ng ibang tao. To hell with your feelings when I could not even fix mine. 

Tinitigan ko ang kopitang pinaikot-ikot ko sa aking kamay. The nameless woman's  heels barbarically stabbed the tiles in her every step out of the door until it closes with a bang. Not a jumping nerve in my body has reacted as I lose myself inside the amber liquid. 

This drink always brings me warmth. As much as how she has always make me feel...

"These violent delights have violent ends, And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, Which, as they kiss, consume. The sweetest honey is loathsome in his own deliciousness.  And in the taste confounds the appetite..."

It took me three reads on this stanza alone before I got a good grip of its meaning. Hindi malaman kung bakit doon ako mas nagtagal, tumuloy ako sa kasunod na stanza. And sweet Lord! Why does this bother me so much?

"Therefore love moderately. Long love doth so. Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow."

Maingay akong nagpawala ng hangin sabay sara ng paperback. I don't understand mom why reading Shakespeare is a good punishment for me. Well fine, maybe because I'm not into reading. How grueling it is when you're told to do things outside the line of your preference.

Tumuwid ako ng upo saka pinatunog ang nangangalay kong leeg. Nag-inat at binend ang likod. My back hurts like a son of a bitch!

Nilingon ko ang tumatawang si Wilmer sa tabi ko. Nakayuko sa notebook niyang nasa hita.

"Ano na naman ang ginawa mo?"  Pinirmi nito ang page na inaanod ng hangin.  He knows how I am being punished.

Muli ang pagtanaw ko sa harapan at wala sa sariling pinaglaruan ang aking labi. Lunch time, kaya naniningkit ang mga mata ko sa sikat ng araw. Mula dito sa ilalim ng puno ng mangga ay ginala ko ang paningin sa nagkalat na mga estudyante sa quadrangle ng St.Louis campus.

"Pinatawag sa office. Cutting class." Another sigh. Inantok ako bigla.   

He chuckled. Mukhang nasa inaaral ang kalahating atensiyon.

"Huy!" maingay na agad ang pagdating ni Cash at umupo sa kabilang side ni Wilmer. "Puro ka aral diyan, mag-aasawa ka na ba? Ayaw mo talaga ibigay number mo sa classmate ko?" Siniko niya ito sa gilid.

"Classmate mo? 'Di ba grade 5 ka pa lang?"

Nagkibit so Cash at niyakap ang bag sa kandungan. "She's older, though. Ka-age niyo lang. Hmm...thirteen?"

"I'm fourteen," sabat ko at tinukod ang braso sa balikat ni Will. " ' Tsaka Cash, nag-aaral iyong tao, 'wag mong guluhin!  Kapag iyan hindi makapasa sa quiz namin mamaya, aba't bagsak din ako! Kaya aral lang Will, ikaw ang sagot sa kinabukasan ko."

"Tss..."

"E, parang isang oras na siya sa page na iyan,a? Ano bang inaaral mo diyan, porn? Tutok na tutok e."

"Nag-iisip ako!" depensa ni Wilmer.

"Ng porn!" 

Sinalubong ko sa ere ang kamay ni Cashiel sabay tawa. Will being a young brooding man is fun to tease. Pero ayos na rin sa akin ang tahimik niyang ugali para wala akong katulad. Boring kapag ganoon. There has to be a variety. 

In a snap, a fun moment has gone downhill seeing Kiefer with his elementary friends. Binalikan ng utak ko ang parusa sa 'kin ni Mom. Now I have to think of an insightful explanation about Shakespeare's passage. That's the only way to cast down my punishment. 

"Romeo is emo, mom!"

Kita ko kung paano siya nagulat sa sinabi ko.

"And he fell in love with Juliet as fast as how he changes his boxers.  Isang iglap, Rosaline's forgotten? Well, kung may boxers man sa panahong iyon."  Nagkibit ako at pinagpatuloy ang pag-kain.

Nakatulala si mommy sa akin. Si Kiefer sa tapat kong silya ay naudlot ang pagsubo sa pagkain. Dad's seriously wiping a table napkin on his mouth, a sure sign that he's deep thinking about a reprimand for me.

Dapat hindi na sila nagulat. They should have not expected to hear deeper things from a shallow Dean. I'm not a deep person. But I can go deep. Smirk.

I'm happy and content in this family. Niisa ay wala akong namana sa kanila. Being adopted is not a big of a deal since I embrace my distinction and I am the kind who dares to be one.

Ang pahirapan ang sarili ko'y labag sa akin kaya hindi ko na hinanap ang totoong mga magulang. I'm easy to deal like that. They don't like me, fine. It's their lost anyway. I think I am being a good son and they will never be able to have a taste of it.

Madrama akong nagbuntong hininga habang hinihiwalay ang gulay sa karne ng aking plato.

"Kung bakit ba kasi iyong may trahedya pa ang pinapabasa niyo sa dinami-daming namamatay sa mundo? Why not make me read books with happy endings? Scratch fairytales.  Iyong may action din ba. Sherlock Holmes!" I sounded so excited. " or The Count of Monte Cristo."

"Dean Cornelius," Mom exhaled my name as if it's carbon dioxide. "I don't  know what to do with you."  Hinilot nito ang sentido.

"What? Opinyon ko lang iyon, mom. And when I mean opinion, that's how I perceive things. That's how I see Romeo.He's really emo and sappy." 

But less to my expectations, binawi ko rin ang mga sinabi ko. For mom dragging on that punishment from my incessant offenses, gradually, I became to love the metaphoric style in classic novels. 

"Metaphorical..."  Dinikit ni Wilmer ang upuan niya sa akin upang mabasa iyon nang malapitan.

Hindi ako nakikinig sa discussion tungkol sa mga scientist at gumuguhit lang ng lettering sa blankong page sa likod ng Science book.  Papa-revise ko 'to kay Indie mamaya. Magaling iyon, e.

"What's that for?" bulong ni Will sa tanong.

"Band name." Nilingon ko siya, isang beses kinawag ang kilay. "Game?"

He nodded once before returning infront for the discussion.

That's Wilmer. Sumasang ayon sa mga luho ko. Kung may maaasahan man akong kanang kamay, siya iyon. Hindi salawahan at madaling kausap.

Huling klase ay nagpaiwan ako upang makapaghanap na bagong pagbibigyan sa English drive chip. I' ve been holding this for two straight days now. Meaning, three point demerit each day. I would have six if the day ends with me still keeping the damn flat wood.

Pinauna ko si Wilmer sa baba. May activity daw kasi eh dapat mamaya pa iyon kasi recess namin ngayon. Tatlo na lang kaming nasa classroom at tahimik kong sinisilid ang mga libro sa bag. I am seriously in need of a locker.

Hindi nagtagal ay lumabas na ang dalawa. Deep breath, I let out that hope in that deep breathe.

"You still have the chip?"

Tamad kong nilingon ang kapatid ko. Knowing why he's here, bigo kong binalik ang paningin sa labas. Umupo ako sa gilid ng bintana saka sinandal ang ulo sa railings nito.

"Mom would go bonkers," dagdag niya habang lumalapit. 

Binagsak niya ang bag sa kalapit na silya, binuksan at inabot sa akin ang panibagong babasahin. Shakespeare again.

"Unless you won't let the cat out of the bag. So chill, bruh." Inisang tapik ko siya sa braso gamit ang libro. 

Umiling siya. Ang seryoso nito. Kaya siya mas napagkakamalang kuya, e. And is he even thirteen with that body? I would have thought he's older than me by five years.

"Do you have extra ballpen? I lost mine."

Humihikab ako habang sinisiksik ang libro sa bag. I heard footsteps coming from the corridor kaya nanahimik ako sa pag-aakalang teacher o roaming CAT officer.

Without knowing what to find out, I turned my head to that sound.

Hindi na ako nakabawi ng tingin.

I heard a bomb pounding in my ears. Or is this beating in my chest?

Nakakulong ang mga mata ko sa naglalakad niyang imahe. The shivers in my spine, the feel of my rough skin are indications.  Long hair even in ponytail fell down to what looks like her slender waist.  Nakayuko siya sa cellphone, porcelain fingers violently hammering on every keypad. Mukhang galit sa ka-text. But all of that was in slow motion for me.

In side view, I outlined her sharp nose, the elegant curl of her dark lashes and the end of her bushy eyebrow.

Pero, Dean, marami ang maganda lang kapag naka side view. Malay mo ba kung ano ang itsura niya kapag nakaharap. You don't want to get dissappointed, do you? 

Ngumuso ako at kakalas na sana ngunit tumigil siya sa pinakadulong ledge—na kaharap lang ng classroom ko—saka sumandal rito. She slowly turned to face her whole front in my direction while holding the phone near to her jeweled ear.

It was a mid-morning on a Wednesday. Isang ordinaryong araw lang ito sa mga nagdaang taon sa buhay ko ngunit hindi ngayon. Today is when the brown world clashed against the green paradise. Today should make history.

"Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night..."  A Shakespeare passage echoed around my brain.

She stared at me for a long time that I begin to assume things but I know it's not about me. Kinunutan niya kasi ako ng noo kahit wala naman akong ginagawa. I was just...staring, too.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya tinitigan na nagsanhi ng ganoong reaksiyon. When she blinked, her eyes have already flicked to the other direction like I am just someone unimportant.

Malakas ang hatak ng pagngiti ngunit kailangan kong pigilan. I pouted. Magtaka pa si Kiefer at isumbong ako nitong baliw kay mommy.

Pakiramdam ko mas tumatag ang paniniwala ko sa Diyos sa sandaling iyon.  Damn! I feel like I could already lead the holy rosary!

Dinungaw ko ang palapulsuhan upang tignan sana ang oras, ngunit mas napansin ko lang ang panginginig ng aking kamay. My lips felt numb so I licked and bit them.

Muli ko siyang binalingan. I watched how those rose pink lips pursed on every word she says.

"Bakit ka pa tumawag? Yes, we're done. Hindi ka naman kawalan!" She rolled her eyes at no one.

Wait, what?!

Ilang taon na ba siya? Are we of the same age? Year level? Is she in elementary? But her unifrom screams highschool

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kanyang ID. The casing is in green. She's a Freshmen. Batchmate ko!

And she has a boyfriend? Or ex from what I heard? Gusto kong magwala!

"Dean!"

"Oy!" Napatayo ako at hinarap ang nagtataka kong kapatid. Nilapit niya sa akin ang ballpen niyang hihiramin ko.

Tumikhim ako at kinuha iyon. Sinulypan ko muli ang babae ngunit agad ding nag iwas. I'm scratching my hair that isn't even itchy. Saan ko nga ba ilalagay 'tong ballpen?

"Should I report her? She's not speaking English."

"Don't!" I growled. "Don't you dare, Kiefer." Tinutukan ko siya ng ballpen. That caused his silence and fear that he paled.

Ganyan nga. Walang gagalaw sa kanya.        

Sa ilang taon kong pagtanaw sa kanya sa malayo ay parang kilala ko na siya. Hindi na rin kami tumatambay sa ilalim ng puno ng mangga dahil doon sila kumakain ng kaibigan niya na mukhang chinita na hindi.

If not under the mango tree, she eats her lunch with her under the narra tree. Pansin ko kung paano niya kagusto ang pamumulaklak nito ng kulay dilaw. I heard her laughters everytime those flowers fall on her hair like snow in the summer. 

"Hi, Mina..."

Sinusundan ko ng tingin ang babaeng binati ni Cashiel. Kahit bawal ang makapal na make up dahil nasa Catholic school kami, parang ningudngud lang sa dugo ang nguso nito. But fine, may itsura naman siya,  'tsaka curves.

"Type mo iyon? Parang kamukha ng mommy mo,a?"

Tinawanan ko ang komento ni Wilmer. Cash's mom is fucking hot at her early 40's. Pero hanggang doon lang ang masasabi ko.

"Kailan mo ba ako ipakikilala sa mommy mo, Cash?" biro kong tanong.

"Gago! Wala akong balak maging anak mo uy!"

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "Itanong mo muna sa'kin kung may balak akong magpaka-ama sa'yo."

Maingay na nagtagpo ang kamay namin ni Wilmer at humagalpak. Lately naging maingay na siya. Dahil na rin siguro sa akin. But still, grade conscious pa rin at ayaw mag-cutting kasama namin ni Cashiel.

"Hi, Dean!"

Another babe passed by infront of us. Sa akin siya nakatitig. I'm not new to that world of females eyeing me the way she does.  Ironic how we are in a Catholic school but these girls are just so...promiscuous.

I am blatantly doing a once over, looking for something that might interest me.  

In her hand was a compact mirror which only means that she always checks her face in it. Red lipstick, long straight hair, foundation sa mukha, pulbo sa leeg... Girls of her caliber wanted to be complimented. 

And how the fuck did I know? They are predictable like that.

"New shoes..." sabi ko, nakatingin sa makinis niyang black shoes na may design na bulaklak sa strap.

"You noticed!" she giggled, and so as her sidekicks.

Tipid ang aking ngiti at tango. Yeah, I noticed. But I have no time for your feelings, sweetheart. I bet hearing that kind of statement would knock even the most assured ladies down a notch.

Tumikhim si Cashiel sa gilid ni Wilmer, while the latter was fake-reading his notes. Baligtad naman ang notebook.

Dahil ang babae sa harap—not interested with her name— ay pinapaikot-ikot na ang buhok sa kanyang daliri. That's a sign of flirting. Her sidekicks on the other hand, ay pasulyap-sulyap kay Wilmer habang si Cashiel naman ang kinakausap.

"Are you free later, Dean? Or...you're busy? Because you know..." Her eyes flittered on Will and Cash before returning to me. "Maybe you have your band practice..."

"I'm going to eat," I answered without asking why she' s so into my schedule.

Well, I mean, I appreciate these girls  who are bravely charming their graces into me but, they are just not the kind to have a long and worthy conversation with. There can be no doubt about what I want. And this is not it.

"Eat? Ng Snacks?" She asked dumbly.

"Dinner."

"You're so funny!" Maarte siyang tumawa habang mahinang hinampas ang braso ko.

And here I am wondering where is the punch line.

It took their leaving for me to breathe rightly. Sa muli kong pagdungaw sa puno ng Narra ay nakaalis na sila ng kaibigan niya patungong canteen. I followed their vacating tracks until an exiting group of seniors consumed them.

"Ba't di mo ligawan? Mukhang type mo naman."

Nanindig ang balahibo ko sa tanong ni Cash.

"S-sino..."  Is he talking about Ruth?

Ninguso niya ang tinahak na daan ng mga babae. Oh, she's not talking about my Ruth.

Pairap akong nagbalik tingin sa harap at nakita ang paparating na sina Indie at Skylar.

"Ba't ko pa liligawan? Hindi ko naman seseryosohin?"

"But you praised her! 'Di ba kapag pinuri mo, type mo? Nagagandahan ka?" inosente niyang tanong na parang striktong patakaran ito sa buhay.

Haay ang batang 'to. Palibhasa kasi, bunso. He's got a lot to learn from me.

"Sinabihan ko lang na bago ang sapatos niya, type ko na? Cashiel, hindi ganon." Mahinahon kong sabi sabay iling, para bang napakatino kong kuya. "Girls live in compliments, gusto nilang pinupuri sila. Kaya kahit hindi sila kagandahan, maghanap ka na lang ng katangian na kapuri-puri sa kanila. That's how you get the girls, Cash! Compliments!"

"But you're eye fucking her!" giit niya.

Inakbayan siya ng katabing si Wilmer. Kung ako ang katabi niya ay nabatukan ko na iyan.

"Natural lang naman na ganon tumitig si Dean. Kaya nga ang daming umasa diyan, eh. Akala nila may gusto siya sa kanila. Remember Pamela?"

Sinilip ako ni Cash at hinatid ang kunot noo niya sa akin. "Siya ba iyong nagkalat na niligawan mo raw dahil lang sa naging text mates kayo?"

"To think na siya ang nanghingi ng number ko!" Pinitik ko ang mga daliri.

"You texted her back."    

Tamad akong nagkibit. "Anong masama? Eh, may load ako."

Inaway pa ako ng kapatid ng babaeng iyon dahil pinaiyak ko raw. I mean, they're the ones who gave themselves hope. I never did. So why do those girls blame me for their feelings? At iyong iba, ngingitian ko lang, pinaasa ko na? Ano iyon?

Tsk. Bad image na tuloy ako kay Ruth. Kaya siguro hindi niya ako pinapansin. She has never, as in never! Ever bat an eyelash at me. Kahit sa paligid namin ay sinisigaw na ang pangalan ko.

"Dean!"

"Ortigoza from Section A I love you!!!"

She doesn't belong to the crowd of girls screaming my name to get my attention. I've been told that she doesn't do relationships inside the school. Alam ko rin ang mga naging boyfriends niya sa mga universities at may minsan pang sinundan ko iyon. Matitino naman. I'm sure those were her kinds of guys because they're all the same. Preppy.

Regardless, I stayed above the weather as I won't stop on hoping. Titigil lang ako kapag napasakamay mo na. Then after, I'd do the keeping. Oo, kung mangarap man ako ay lulubus lubusin ko na. Pero hindi ako hihinto roon. Katamaran ang mangarap lang. Dapat gawin mo.

I will let you enjoy your youth for now, Ruth. I will let you explore and have your boyfriends—just not under my watch, please. 'Cause at the end of the school year, I'll make sure that you're already mine.

At isa pa, kung ngayon ako magpapapansin sa'yo, baka hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili ko't ibilanggo ka sa akin nang buong buo. Alam ko na sa sarili kong marupok ako sa edad na 'to. If I were a complete asshole, baka wala pa akong dise-otso, magtatawag na ako ng pari para ikasal tayo.

"Iyon Dean, o.  Chicks!" sabay turo sa babaeng nadaanan namin. "You might want to tap that..."

Ang daming binubugaw sa akin ni Cashiel. Wala namang pumasa. And there were times when they make me look like a fucking dick in motion just because...

Or maybe, my eyes has already been set on someone and so far, no one has yet taken her place. That's why I write off relationships. It has not yet shed some light in my spirit. I don't incline to it for now but rather on music. My first passion before infatuation. 

Lumukot ang ilong ko. Tinuloy ko ang pag-strum ng gitara isang hapon after ng dismissal. Cleaners si Wilmer kaya hinihintay namin.

"Masyadong mabait," sabi ko.

"Ano pala gusto mo? Demonyo?"

I laughed a bit.

Well my friend,  that's because if I have to like a girl, I should like everything about her. Not just because she' s pretty. But I'd be a hypocrite if I say that I don't consider the superficial aspect. These days,  it's rare to find the right face with the right attitude that you're looking for. Ayoko lang ng basta maganda. Ayoko lang ng basta mabait. I'm not even into goody good girls na kulang nalang gawin akong santo sa kabaitan. I like girls with attitude. Fiery ones! And those who aren't easy. It's not that I like the challenge. Ang sa akin lang, kapag ganoon ay hindi siya mabasta basta. Iyong kapag magkakalayo man kami, sa paguwi ko, ako pa rin. Kasi nga, hard to get siya.

"Masyadong seryoso kuya kung hanap mo sa edad na 'to ay loyalty. You're just what? Kaka-eighteen mo lang, a?"

Binalikan ko itong usapan namin ni Kiefer.  He's the first one to know about Ruth.  Pinabugbog ko kasi sa kanya iyong isang nagtangkang manliligaw pero sa huli, lolokohin lang pala. Son of a bitch. 

"We all want loyalty, Kai. Even in friendship. Pero iyon nga, kung sino pa iyong loyal, sila pa iyong iniiwan at hinihindian."

Tumawa ako nang umirap siya. He hates relationship talks. Corny daw.

"Crush mo nasa canteen."

I was pulled out of my reverie in a sudden by that. Nasa likod na kami ng canteen building.

Mataas ang bintana pero dahil matangkad ako, hindi ako mahihirapan. All jalousie windows are closed, kaya pinagtaka ko kung paano siya nakita ni Cash.

Nagbukas ako ng isang bintana at sumilip. Nandoon nga siya, nakapila.

"Ang daming naghahabol sa'yo, bakit hindi ka sa kanila mamili eh magaganda naman sila. Kesa sa kanya na hindi ka naman pinapansin."

"Maganda lang naman sila. Siyempre gusto ko whole package na." Hindi ko na tinatantanan ang pagtingin kay Ruth. Dahan dahan kong binababa ang gitara.

Mukhang iritado na siya sa tagal bumili nang nasa harap. Bumuga siya ng hangin pataas at umangat ang kanyang side-bangs. Ngumisi ako.     

Pagkaalis ng lalake ay inirapan niya ito. Tumawa ako. Akala ko ako lang tinatarayan niya, lahat naman pala.

"Ang taas nga naman ng pangarap mo, Dean." si Cash na naman, maingay ang keypad niya habang nagte-text.

"Siyempre, ba't hindi ko pa tataasan ang pangarap ko eh libre na nga lang."

Ngumuso siya at tinabihan ako sa bintana. "Sabagay...ako nga gusto ko maging doktor..."

"Mababa lang iyan, Cash. Taasan mo pa. Libre lang 'to kaya pangarapin mo na lahat."

Habang tahimik siya ay sumagi sa akin ang isang pag iisip na hindi ko kailanman inasahan. Siguro dala lang ng mga pinagsasabi ko, but no...this doesn't even sound like a joke.

"Ako..." sabi ko habang nakatanaw sa kanya, "Siya ang magiging ina ng mga anak ko."

Natawa si Cash. "Ba't hindi mo muna pangarapin na maging asawa niya?"

Kinunutan ko siya. "Siyempre kasama na iyon dun! Hindi naman ako bubuntis ng babae na hindi ko asawa!"

Tumawa siya. Dean, ang daming nagtetext sa'yo. Padala pa ng letters, minsan mga pagkain, tapos kinukuha pa ang libro mo para magpapansin...nakalahad na ang mga choices mo pero pinapahirapan mo pa sarili mo diyan. Pero rinig ko sa classmate ko na nililigawan mo raw siya? Totohanan na ba iyon?"

Nalito ako. Wait. Kailan pa ako nanligaw?

"I'm courting your classmate?" Tumango siya. Umirap ako at binalikan ang pagsilip. "Sila ang nagkalat ng balita tungkol sa akin, Cash. Hinayaan ko na. Kawawa naman. Pangarap din naman siguro nila iyan."

"Sira ulo ka talaga."

Umalis na kami doon nang tumapat ang alas singko. My eyes lingered on her for a moment. Sinara ko ang bintana. Makikita ko naman siya mamaya paglabas niya ng canteen.

"Sky! Kailan ka pa naging member ng Spice Girls?" hagalpak ni Cash. 

Tadyak ang inabot ni Cashiel kay Sky. Natawa na rin ako. She's in her double pig ponytail while Indira fashioned a double bun, Nagmukha iyong tenga ni Mickey mouse.

"Wilmer, o inaasar ako," sumbong ni Skylar sa kambal. Sabay sabay silang dumating.

Hinila siya ni Wilmer at inakbayan habang tinatawanan ang kapatid.

"Eh, isa ka pa. Tanggalin ko na nga lang!"

"Huwag. Cute naman, a." Si Wilmer, nagpipigil ng ngisi.

"O, Dean. kamusta iyang mga sidekicks mo?" Hindi talaga papayag si Indie na maapi. I know this move. Gumaganti iyan.

"Sidekick you mean...iyong tinatadyakan lang sa gilid?"

Nagtawanan kami at high five. Binaha ako ng sapak nina Will at Cash na siyang mas mas nagmukhang natadyakan na tuta. Skylar was loudly mocking him and her brother habang tinuturo sila. Damn kids. I feel old at eighteen.

Isang imahe ang nahagip ng aking paningin. Finally!

But she's alone, walking her way out of the canteen doors. Umigting agad ang panga ko dahil kitang kita ko kung paano siya lingunin ng mga lalake. I saw one motherfucker being pushed by his friends, maybe encouraging him to talk to her.

I can't blame them. A beauty that could sail a thousand ships only can prompt that. 

Mga kamao na ni Kiefer ang bahala diyan malaman ko lang ang mga pangalan nila. 

Tumayo ako at inakbayan si Indie. Inikot ko siya upang makita niya ang ituturo ko. If I were to have a female counterpart, it'd be her. I always think she's my long lost sister.

"Indie, may ipakikilala ako sa'yo. Kapalit mo. Ayaw mo kasi akong sagutin, e."

"Gago ka talaga." Hinampas niya ako sa tiyan. "Hot at guwapo ka Dean pero hindi kita type!"

Akma siyang lalayo ngunit hinila ko siya pabalik sa akbay ko.

"Maka-gago ka naman! Naging tayo?" Tumawa ako nang muli niyang pinalo. "Kita mo iyon?"

Nasa corridor siya sa ground floor at nakasandal paharap sa ledge. She's eating popcorn while watching a noisy game in basketball. Walang kamalay-malay na  nakatanaw lang ako sa kanya.

Binaba ni Indira ang nakaturo kong kamay.

"Iyong Simeon ba iyan?"

"Oo!" I sounded so happy that she knows her.

"Four years na niyang pinapantasiya iyan, Indie. Ang bagal talaga, hanggang ngayon hindi pa pumoporma," sabat ni Cash mula sa likod.

"Sigurado ka bang crush mo lang siya, Dean?"

May tono sa boses niya na nagpatahimik sa akin. It's like I have to asses my feelings first before acknowledging that this is how I really feel. 

"Kung may paa lang iyang mga mata  mo kanina pa iyan nilalayasan ang  bungo mo para sundan si Ruth hanggang bahay nila. And you're telling me that she is just a crush. Hmm... do you even know what you're talking about? Baka nadala ka lang sa infatuation mo. I mean, we don't take those feelings seriously at this age."

"But I'm serious." At pinaigting ko iyon sa aking mukha at boses.

"Or you're just horny."

Sandali akong natigilan. I seriously cannot believe that this is what they thought about me. So this is how most of the people underestimate the essence of young love. I am somehow offended. Because I am not a believer of the ideals but the actual feelings. Para na rin tuloy mababa ang tingin nila sa nararamdaman ko. Ruth doesn't deserve a shallow affection from anyone, kaya hindi ko tanggap na minamaliit nila ang damdamin ko.

Or am I really shallow? Is it the truth when they say that young feelings are shallow the reason why most of them are just being taken for granted? Didn't they find the time to consider that there are several sides of youth? I am on the serious side. The kind who doesn't take feelings for granted!

Binasa ko ang akong labi bago sumagot.

"If I were horny,  I would have fucked half of the girls in and out of the campus. And godammit! Not just a fuck, Indie! May narinig ka bang nakikipag-ano ako sa kanila? Like what your ex-flings did? Wala, 'di ba? I'm a proud virgin, baby."

Humagalpak si Wilmer, narinig yata ang sinasabi ko. Tinuro ko siya. 

"Iyaaan ang hindi na virgin!" sigaw ko at nagmadaling tumakbo nang tumayo siya't hinabol ako. 

"Asshole!"

Na-report kami dahil doon. Which means ... another classic book for me.

Those were just some of the easy parts of juvenility. Tawa doon, tulog dito, tugtog ng gitara, langoy sa agos ng musika...I don't know with other teens but as a young guy speaking, I want everything to be easy flowing so that's how I consider life would be. And I find my every day smooth but it's probably because I always choose to do the easy things.

I came to think that it is the adults who complicate things. Kung may madali namang paraan, bakit doon pa sila sa mahirap gawin? But then I realized that in order to achieve, you need the hardwork. If you enjoy the effort, that's call passion. If you tire out from it, then it's purely just an obligation. Para masabing may ambisyon ka.

So I need that effort to achieve Ruthzielle's attention. Lately, it has become a passion for me. To earn just a slight of her smile sounds like a survival game that I want to win. It's like she will never look at my way. Ever. She will never look at me that way.

But if everyone thinks that I would resort to courtship. Damn wrong. I hate how common it is that it bores me to fucking death!  I always dare to be different. Iyong walang katulad. Kung ano ang panlasa ng karamihan ay sasanggain ko't ang salungat sa karaniwan ang kahihiligan ko. 

Mahaba ang pila sa canteen kaya sumingit lang kami sa isang pwesto na malapit sa silya ng inuupuan nina Ruth.

It's always a wonder to me if she has ever gain a friend. I never saw her engaged conversations with other people apart from her one friend. Siguro totoo ang sinasabi nilang mataray siya. Hindi ko naman kasi nalalaman lahat sa pagtanaw lang.

I licked my lips and bit the lower one. Let's see, then.

Nakatalikod siya sa akin. Ang mabango niyang buhok ay naiipit sa sandalan ng puting plastic chair kaya kanyang pinalaya at dumausdos. Bumulong ng haplos sa kamay ko ang hibla nito. I saw my hairshafts stood by the contact. 

Inabot ko iyon at sinubukang hilain ang dulong hibla nang tinapik naman ni Wilmer ang kamay ko.

"Anong ginagawa mo?" mariin niyang bulong.

Nilingon ko lang siya at pilyong ngumiti. Tinuloy ko ang balak ko.

"Bahala ka nga diyan." Mukha siyang natatawa.

Hinila ko ang dulong hibla ng buhok ni Ruth. Noong una ay kinamot niya ang kanyang ulo. Ngumiti ako at tumingin sa harap. Tahimik na tumatawa si Wilmer sa likod.

Sa pangalawang beses ay lumingon na siya nang bahagya. Mabilis kong tinago ang kamay ko sa aking likod at tinanaw ang dulo ng pila.

"Hoy bagal anubayan gutom na kami!" sigaw ko at sumilip sa kanya. Hindi man lang siya lumingon dito.

Nalaman kong medyo madaldal siya. A source of mine said that she's quiet in the class. That's how I see her too sa tuwing nakikita ko siya sa kanyang classroom. Doon ako dumadaan kesa sa stairway na katabi lang ng classroom namin. Tahimik siyang nakikinig sa teacher nila at mukhang palagi siyang bored. Parang gusto na niyang umuwi.

Tinulak ako ni Wilmer sa balikat. "English bro!"

Tumikhim ako at inayos ang uniform. Pake ko sa rules. May demerit na rin naman ako.

"We're hungry. Faster, please."

"Tangina, mapapahamak tayo nito." Bulong niya at yumuko, nagtatago sa likod ko habang kinakamot ang noo.

The line started to move, it's like the gate has opened for me to have a glimpse of her whole face in broad daylight. Hindi niya pansin dahil nasa usapan ng kaibigan niya ang kanyang atensiyon.

May mga bagay na dapat ikonsidera ng mabuti at isa na doon ang pagpili ng babae.Well, that's for me at least. I' m picky, to be honest. Hindi ako basta basta lang nagkakagusto. I have my standards, of course. I know my worth, so I should choose a girl who only deserves my worth. Hindi naman kasi ako pipitsugin lang noh.

Pansinin lang talaga ako nitong babaeng gusto ko matatahimik na ang buhay ko.

Iniipit niya muna ang labi at doon pa lang siya ngingiti kapag pinapakawalan na. I noticed a fatty portion at the low middle part of her upper lip which makes it so kissable. Iyon siguro ang basehan ng mga nanliligaw sa kanya. Ang mapang-akit niyang mga labi.

Mabuti na lang pala  hindi ako marunong manligaw. Dahil kung oo man, aba'y hindi na mga bulaklak at matatamis ang ihahandog ko sa iyo kung 'di mga halik ko, Ruth. Kung malaman mo ito, magpapasalamat ka. Unless, gusto mong maghalikan na lang tayo. 

Sinuklay niya ang buhok gamit lang ang daliri saka napangiti sa sinabi ng kaibigan. She doesn't really laugh that hard. She just...smiles, like a behaved queen. And she knows she is.

Tumingin siya sa direksyon ng mga maiingay sa isang table at inirapan ito. But I think that's only a natural gesture, she doesn't mean it. Hindi naman siguro siya nang iirap nang walang dahilan.

"Bakit ba ang hilig mo sa mga isnabera?" si Wilmer na tila pansin ang paninitig ko. Mahina niya akong tinulak upang humakbang dahil sa pag-usad ng pila.

Nakahalukiphip ako. Hindi nagtatanggal ng tingin habang sinasagot ang tanong niya,  "Hindi naman sa mahilig. It's just..." Her.

Parang lahat kasi tumitiklop sa kanya. Kung makapag utos ay gusto mo na lang sundin. She has that air to hold sway. Iyong parang reyna ba. It's like she doesn't allow anyone to rule her.

I want all the boys to envy me because I have her as my girl. Siya ang tipong pinagmamayabang. At parang kahit anong bara mo, talo ka. She's gonna burn you 'til you're toast! Sa paraan ng paninitig niya ay parang iniinsulto ka na niya nang palihim.

Irapan lang niya ako, buo na araw ko.

"O, may sumisikip, Dean?"

Anak ng—Inabutan ko ng suntok sa braso si Cashiel. Puro kahayupan talaga ang lumalabs sa bibig.

If I am being perceived as strong by others, it might have been the fact that I'm never scared of commitments. Speaking as an eighteen year old, what I am scared of is to fall out of love on someone I considered my life. It's like being detached from the world of mortality.

If love comes, what's the point of avoiding something inevitable? My adopted parents taught me that. Hindi dahilan ang pagiging lalake upang magmatigas ka pagdating sa pag-ibig. I am actually beginning to accept that I am turning into sappy Romeo now. Thanks,  Shakespeare.

Ako lang naman din ang mahihirapan and I know it myself that I hate complications. I always find the easy route out of a hurricane. To avoid being chased, to avoid running is just to simply face tha fact that ...you' ve felt it. I have felt it.

Umuulan noong isang hapon at naabutan ko siyang papalabas pa lang ng school gate. Mukhang nakauwi na ang kaptid niya at kaibigan.

She's alone again. Ayaw ko na mukhang okay iyon para sa kanya. I want her alone, and I don't want her to be alone at the same time.  

"Bok! Pahiram payong bilis!" sigaw ko habang tinatawid ang sidewalk .

Medyo nababasa na ako ng ulan. Good thing mom made me brought my leather jacket.

"Ha? Uuwi na ako, uy!"

Inagaw ko ang payong bago pa siya makapanlaban. Nerd to eh, takot 'to sa 'kin.

"Uy, Dean naman..." Nakanguso siya at kinakamot ang batok.

"Tsk." Dumukot ako ng pera at inabutan siya ng twenty bill. "O, bili ka ng kapote sa tindahan. Akin na 'tong payong mo!"

Wala na siyang nagawa nang tumakbo ako palabas ng gate.

Isang pasida sa buong harapan ay natagpuan siyang sumisilong sa tindahan. The rainfall could still reach her so she has to squeeze in the small space.  Damn! She looks so hopeless!

Wala akong pakialam na naputikan ang aking sapatos at pants . Sumulong ako sa binabaha nang daan.  I let Kiefer use my Tacoma since knowing that Ruth's into pedicabs.  It came to me that she was born with a silver platter so it's beyond me why she has to settle with this. Ganon ba siya ka-humble? 

"Wala kang sundo?"

It took a monumental gut for me to ask that easy question.

Kasing gaan ng tanong niya ang kanyang tugon. Tahimik na iling.

Bumaba ang mga mata ko sa labi niyang bahagyang nakanguso. Unconsciously, my tongue wet my lower lip before I lifted my eyes back on her brown ones. The curve of her lashes is one of my damn weakness.

And with that, I've just got a boner in my heart, and an erection of affection. 

Okay lang ang tipid mong sagot. At least pansin mo na ako. At least, ganito na tayo kalapit. At least, natitigan kita nang mas matagal nang ganito. God, I sound so desperate in my own ears. 

I do, I think I've always been the desperate one ever since. 

"Please, dad, mom..."      

Nakaluhod ako sa kanilang harapan. Kuyom ang kamao sa gilid upang pigilan ang umaalsang emosyon.

My mother was sobbing beside my father who's standing infront of me. Looking down on me as if I am a disgrace to this family. I let them feel that way because that's expected. Bago ko pa hinarap 'to ay hinanda ko na ang sarili ko sa pagtanggi nila.

"Do you....even hear yourself talking?" my old man slowly growled, every word spoken firm and angry enough to sink in my bones.

Nagpipigil ako ng singhap nang bigla niyang hinila ang aking kwelyo upang ako'y itayo. Nanatili akong nakayuko, I can't look at the fury in his face but my chest hurts hearing my mom's cry of plea.

"Magpapakasal ka?" Ang hindi makapaniwala niyang tono ay isang babala sa namumuong bagyo. "For pete's sake Cornelius what the hell are you thinking?!" His voice thundered in every corner of our house.

Niyugyog niya ako bago tinulak. As weak as I felt, nagpakatatag ako upang matagpuan ang balanse kaya naiwasan ang pagkatumba. Dad grabbed my collar again, pulled me to face him only to see his fist drawing closer to my face. 

"Denson, that's enough!"

"Dad!"

Pinigilan siya nina mom at Kai bago pa man tumama sa aking mukha. Mariin akong pumikit, mahigpit ang tikom ng bibig  at hinihingal sa kaba. But I am less scared of the fists, dad. I'm here to shut that fear off  and that is to let me marry Ruthzielle so she'd be mine till kingdom come.

"Stay at your room Kiefer!"

Bumitaw si Kiefer sa kamay ni dad na susuntok sana sa akin ngunit hindi siya umalis.

"Ayaw kong ganito ang makita at marinig mo galing sa kapatid mo na hindi dapat tinutularan. We didn't raise you both just to be a bad influence. Of all people, Ikaw pa Dean? The older son who should have been the one to realize more what responsibility looks like!"

Lumapit si mommy sa akin at hinawakan ako sa braso. Sinandal niya ang kanyang ulo sa nagaalsa-baba kong balikat.

"You're telling me that you're going to get married when me and your mom kept on being called by the high-up's office for your offenses.You cut classes!  Not to mention these rumors about girls you are being linked with. You cannot even stay long in a relationship! Ilang taon ka na ba sa tingin mo? You're just eighteen Dean, not twenty eight!"

I am tired of hearing this proverbial statements about youth.  Maybe in age, it is where we get to base the limits and restrictions. Pero kung damdamin na ang pinaguusapan, may limitasyon pa rin ba dahil sa edad? 

"We let you have your way with almost everything. The band, your misconducts, shenanigans... But this, what you're pleading for? I don't think we would accede to  this permission of yours, Dean. We will not condone this for you and for her. Not that I am against Ruthzielle. Heck! I don't even think that she would agree to this!"

Kinagat ko nang mariin ang aking labi at umiling. Isipin ko pa lang iyon ay umiinit na ang ulo ko. As much as how I would want to honor her wish just in case she won't agree, I'll try as hard as I can to convince her.

"As a consolation, yes I must say that she is good for you..." mas mahinahon na sinabi ni Dad. "We saw how you changed, in academics and in your attitude. But not enough to marry her, Dean. Give some consideration to your individual dreams. Mga bata pa kayo. Wala ka pa ngang trabaho. And I bet you have yet to decide about your college education for your band is taking up the most of your time—"

"I will take a music business course." I cut into his words, the reason of their silence.

"Pardon. And you look at me whe I'm talking to you, young man!"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin at maigi siyang tinignan. Sa determinado kong mga mata, nilalahad ko sa kanya ang mga plano ko. I marry Ruth, I study abroad while we're married. Kung makahanap man siya ng iba ay wala naman siyang kawala dahil mag-asawa na kami.

Then after four years, we will re-marry in the church with her dream wedding, and not a year longer, her dream family. And I will teach our children how to play music. Habang siya ay nasa likod ng mga anak namin, ningingitian ako. Proud and happy Ruthzielle.

"You choose whatever you want me to take, Dad."

With that, I've risked my one last drop of hope.

"If you want me to take business, since that's what you've always pushed me to pursue in the first place. I'll take it, then."

"All for marriage, kuya?" 

Nilingon ko ang kapatid ko. Hindi ako sumagot. They already know the answer.

Hindi ko maipaliwang ang saya ko nang pumayag sila. Dad was the toughest to convince so he was the last one to finally agree. As long as I conform to what he wants me to pursue, the marriage would take effect. 

"You're going to marry...my daughter?"

I can say that Ruth got her eyes from her mother, as the shock I am seeing from  the woman infront of me reminds me of her. Kailangan ko pala siyang itext. I still have yet to send her a 'How's my bride's day?' message.

"Me?"

Nilingon ko si Jillian. The unbelievability in her face and voice  is so evident. Sa gulat ay napasapo pa siya sa kanyang dibdib.

Umiling ako at bumaling kay Mrs. Lopez. "No. Your other daughter, I mean."

"But I am the only daughter..."

Ahh...I already know  this girl's attitude. The nerdy glasses wouldn't deceive me.

Kita ko ang pagtango ni Mrs.  Lopez na mukhang sumangayon sa sinabi ng anak.

I am offended. I couldn't blame Ruthzielle's resentment towards her. Kung ako pa nga lang ay umiinit na ang ulo ko. How dare her! How dare they do this to her! Wala akong papayaganan na sinumang manakit sa kanya. Any kinds and ways of pain inflicted on my queen is unacceptable!

"Just so you're aware, you have another daughter. Ruthzielle Erelah Simeon is her name. Ang unang anak na hindi mo na binalikan." I can't stop myself from being rude.

Napamaang ang ginang sa harap. I have to stop thinking that she looks like Ruth because I would rather be it not.  Good thing she didn't stick with her because a girl like Ruthzielle deserves all the love, not even a slice of rejection.

Tumayo ako at huminga nang malalim. I shouldn't have come here. Kung bakit ba kasi siniksik pa sa akin ang tema ng respeto?

"Thank you for your time, anyway. Sa ngalan na lang ng respeto kung bakit ako nandito.  As my future wife's mother,  I am only here to inform you that I am marrying your...other daughter."

"Mommy..." Jillian's pulling her mom's arm. Mukha siyang natakot nang tinitigan ko.

"Can you give us a minute?" si Mrs. Lopez. " May ipapaliwanag lang ako sa anak ko."

Tumango ako at pinagmasdan silang pumasok sa magarang kitchen.  Hindi ko pinansin kung ilang minuto bago sila nakabalik. I was just stunned for a while when Mrs.Lopez tried to borrow my phone.

"I just have to send a text message to my husband. Jillian's been crying over this book that she wants to purchase. Naiwan ko kasi ang phone ko sa opisina niya,"  she laughed vapidly.

Sinilip ko ang batang anak na tinutukoy niya na ngayo'y umaakyat na sa hagdan. Huminto lamang upang lumingon dito. Sa akin. Our eyes met for several seconds before she looked away and ran her way up to her room.

"Okay lang po, Madam..."

Mrs. Lopez smiled.

"Call me tita Elle," sabay abot niya pabalik ng aking cellphone.

____________________________________________

End of PART I